My partner's past

Hit me up if you need anything else🙂

redharbor9 said:What am I even doing here...

I never said you were the only one insisting it's a woman—I said everyone replying is acting like it's a woman...

2. Honestly, even after my third post, you still haven't grasped what I'm asking.
I want to know WHY the partner's gender matters for this thread, but you're dodging the question.

To you (obviously), this thread means some broad debate about the topic, but to me, it's about answering the OP, not having some massive theoretical discussion. My take on how this forum works is why I answered the way I did. 🙂 Basically, the opening post sets the tone and direction. In this case, it’s about a specific relationship between the author and their partner, not some general lecture on relationships...

so why do you keep quoting me then? 🤣

redharbor9 said:What am I even doing here...

I never said you were the only one insisting it's a woman—I said everyone replying is acting like it's a woman...

2. Honestly, even after my third post, you still haven't grasped what I'm asking.
I want to know WHY the partner's gender matters for this thread, but you're dodging the question.

To you (obviously), this thread means some broad debate about the topic, but to me, it's about answering the OP, not having some massive theoretical discussion. My take on how this forum works is why I answered the way I did. 🙂 Basically, the opening post sets the tone and direction. In this case, it’s about a specific relationship between the author and their partner, not some general lecture on relationships...

Look, when the OP goes ghost for this long, the thread basically turns into a total wasteland of context. It just loses all its meaning.
whatever, back at it again. even if I'm just obsessing over what the author is dealing with right now, it’s got nothing to do with anything else. 🤷
Whatever. We clearly aren't seeing eye to eye on this one, and honestly? That's fine by me. End of story.

mistyraven said:Keeping an eye on this thread—glad to see the conversation picking up.

You're right, though—the whole thing boils down to the fact that I have a boyfriend (I'm gay, mentioned that somewhere already).

Anyway, I talked to him. Laid it all out there. He’s known for a long time that I can be obsessive and jealous—not just about exes, but just in general, I guess.

He knows I deal with depression, that my self-esteem and confidence are pretty much non-existent, and that's where my insecurity comes from. Which, naturally, leads back to the obsession and jealousy stuff.

I really need to just accept things for what they are. Dwelling on the past is useless. He’s seven years older than me, so yeah, obviously he’s had more life experience before we met.

But, he’s never actually been in a relationship before—those were just surface-level flings, since he couldn't really commit to anyone. He wasn't in love with anyone before me.

Every single day he tells me he loves me and how much I mean to him.

The guy literally treats me like royalty. He says the sweetest things, and honestly, I know he’d do absolutely anything for me based on how he acts.

And I feel bad about it, because after everything, I end up acting this way and my negative attitude just ends up hurting him and myself.

I’ve got to work on myself. It would be such a waste if these three amazing years together just went down the drain because of my own bullshit. Not many gay couples make it this long.

We’ve been through it all—traveled everywhere, summer trips, ski trips... at the end of the day, I love him so much I’d give my life for him.

Because he was there for me when nobody else was. He has never once turned his back on me, no matter what. And God knows how many times I’ve hit rock bottom during my depressive episodes.

By the way, thanks everyone for the advice!

Glad you finally found someone, 🙂
honestly, I’d suggest looking into some therapy just to work on the jealousy stuff and building up some actual self-confidence... sometimes it's just too much to deal with on your own. You never really know if you're handling things right or just spiraling, so having a pro there to help put everything into perspective can be huge.

I went through the exact same thing once and ended up screwing everything up because of my own jealousy, insecurity, and constant overthinking about whether they actually liked me or not. Really hoping you don't end up making the same mistakes.🙂

rapidranger61 said:If someone's still dragging old baggage, I guess that’s not even the past anymore—that's just their present.
But if we're talking about some guy she hooked up with years ago who means zero to her now... honestly, I don't see why that should bother her partner at all.

I mean, we don't actually know the full story here, so it's hard to give a real opinion. Could be anything. Just my vibe, though... feels like the OP is stressing over stuff that shouldn't even matter.

Nobody's saying the past isn't important. It shapes who we are today.
But if I can't handle certain things, I'll just ask upfront. I'm not going to spend years in a relationship and then suddenly start throwing things in my partner's face that they clearly can't change. So, sure, I'll ask about the basics, but whether or not I care about their old relationships or sex life? 😁 Not really. It would bother me if it 😁

It's kinda funny how the ego struggles with romantic history... yet I've never heard anyone say, "My partner was a thief or a dealer or a scammer—I just can't deal with that." 😁

...it's obvious that any guy planning a peaceful future acts the way I did back then...🤷...however, my wife—who was my girlfriend at the time—let some details slip later on. I honestly thought I was mature enough before we tied the knot to take everything as it was, leave it in the rearview mirror, and move toward a happy future together. She didn't see it that way. And since I'm the type of person who realizes things were left unsaid, I occasionally dig for personal confirmation just to be sure....and after ten years of marriage, I find out she had a one-night stand with a married man, whom she actually knew from before (they were close like teenagers but without the sex; he was essentially her first love).
The thing is, once I accept something, I accept it completely. But right now, I'm just hurt because she wasn't honest. She didn't trust that I could handle the truth, or maybe she just wasn't confident in my love....I feel like absolute crap...

I get you. I’ve noticed my jealousy fluctuates based on one thing: the person I’m with. If my gut tells me something is off, I’m usually right. If there's no reason to doubt, I don't. It sounds pathological, but I’m just a normal person reacting to reality. For example, I once dated this guy who owned several high-end restaurants in Chicago. Every woman from age 20 to 80 was throwing themselves at him because of his bank account, but I was never jealous. I knew he was a grown man and wouldn't cheat. If he ever decided to walk, he'd tell me to my face. :))) Then I had this other guy, an old wreck who swore he loved me—blah, blah, blah—but I was insanely jealous of him. Turns out, he was a total player. :-)

My guy has a kid from a previous relationship. Occasionally, I feel some jealousy toward the mother, but it's rare. My solution is simple: Look, honey, if she were actually any good, they'd still be together. He's with you now, so stop stressing about it. 🙂

Honestly, using the word "fuck" solves most problems. Give it a shot. :-)

People change from one relationship to the next, that’s just a straight-up fact... whatever you found out about the person you love is basically ancient history at this point. Try looking at it like they’re a totally different person who has zero connection to who they are now or to what you two have going on. Honestly, I’ve been there too—I did some digging into my ex’s past and let me tell you, it wasn't exactly a fun ride finding out certain things... but it also made me realize all the stuff *I* did back in the day that I'm not proud of. It’s not even worth dwelling on because we were young, and honestly, he’s probably thinking the exact same thing about his own past. Just focus on yourself for a second... look at how much you've grown, how much you've changed, and think about the mistakes you made before. Would you even do them again? Probably not. And your partner is likely feeling the exact same way about their own journey...

mistyraven said:I'm spiraling over my partner's past.

Look, I get it—the present is what matters, and exes are exes for a reason. But still...

Yesterday, during a conversation, I found out something I really shouldn't have. I know, I know—it’s ancient history, and we’ve been together for three years now. But somehow, this jealousy just flared up out of nowhere. Picturing the person I love doing... certain things with someone else? Yeah, not exactly a great feeling.

We were just talking about our past relationships versus how things are now. Then they dropped something on me that totally floored me. I didn't even want the details, but there it was...

I basically just stood up, grabbed my stuff, and walked out. No words. I know it wasn't the right move, but I don't know why I'm struggling so much to accept that there was a whole life before me.

Now I'm a mess. I can't even bring myself to be physical with them—it's like their past makes me feel physically repulsed.

Is this just being possessive? Or am I looking at some kind of pathological jealousy?

To be brutally honest... you're being weak.
We can argue about it all day, but that's just the reality.
You lack self-confidence, and at least subconsciously, you're comparing yourself to them—or you're worried your partner is comparing you to their exes, and it's getting to you.
Look, what happened, happened, and that's healthy. If you can't stomach that, then I don't know what to tell you.
Unless they were out there living a wild lifestyle🙂... if not, why does it matter? Even if they were, if they are a good person😁 and they love you and aren't doing those things anymore... where is the actual problem? 🤷

nimbleviper142 said:worked up 😁
you're right, I'm losing sleep over this 🤣
haven't gotten an actual explanation yet so I'm just gonna assume you're just talking nonsense

so clearly some people care about gender, but why? 🤷 personally, I don't see any reason why, or how the whole thing would change if it were a same-sex relationship. but hey, I guess that's somehow become a factor in this mess.

Looking back at your posts, you really did react exactly like someone who was genuinely worked up. It was quite a comical display of frustration. 😂

"And why on earth does the gender of the partners even matter in this whole situation? Who cares?!? Does that actually change anything? Absolutely not, yet you all are clinging to it like a lifeline... "

well, obviously it matters to some people, but why? 🤷 personally, I can't see a single reason why, nor how the entire situation would be any different if it were a homosexual relationship. but I guess that's somehow become a major factor in the discussion.

But we are talking about a homosexual relationship here. 🤣

Gender does matter. First, it's because men and women frequently approach certain problems from entirely different perspectives, whether that's due to their upbringing or other various factors.

Second, it's simply out of respect for the original poster and the specific issue they are facing.

I stumbled upon this thread while browsing some forums. I’m a guy, and while I know this isn't everyone's priority, I’m dealing with the exact same thing. We’ve been together for about two months now. I know there were other guys before me—I'm fully aware of that—and I really value how hard my partner tries to be honest with me. I love that we can talk openly about this stuff. I’ve had relationships before, but I’ve never felt anything quite like this with her. I know she feels the same way; she’s proven her trustworthiness a thousand times over during these two months. We’ve actually known each other for five years and I've always liked her, but for one reason or another, we just couldn't admit our feelings until recently.
I know honesty is the foundation of any relationship, but certain things about her past are really hurting me. I was in a long-term relationship that ended two years ago, and back then, her past didn't bother me at all. Now, for the first time, I'm hitting these emotions and I don't like it one bit. It feels like I'm turning into someone I've spent my whole life looking down on. My girlfriend was completely transparent with me. After I pushed her (and honestly, I don't know what possessed me to be so tactless and blunt), she told me exactly how many guys she'd been with. Her number was two—which isn't even high by any stretch of the imagination—but in that moment, it hit me hard. She was visibly shaken by my reaction; she felt dirty and insulted, thinking I was judging her character. I feel terrible for putting her through that, but at the same time, her past is causing me genuine pain. I'm actually scared of myself. Is this normal? Am I just obsessing over nothing? The fear comes from the fact that I've never felt this way before. Can anyone help? It was clearly an emotional outburst triggered by jealousy, and I'm struggling. Please, I need some advice.

denisv, did you actually forgive her for that whole "one-night stand" thing?

What exactly is bothering you? Is it the fact that I've only been with two men? You strike me as an incredibly insecure individual who clearly lacks even a shred of self-confidence. Honestly, I was fully expecting you to come at me with some inflated number like twenty or more guys, but to find out it’s ONLY two🤣

So, you're talking about size, man... honestly, it's not even that big of a deal.👍

restlesstiger102 said:What exactly is bothering you? Is it the fact that I've only been with two men? You strike me as an incredibly insecure individual who clearly lacks even a shred of self-confidence. Honestly, I was fully expecting you to come at me with some inflated number like twenty or more guys, but to find out it’s ONLY two🤣

Exactly... I don't see an issue here at all. In fact, having only been with two people practically makes her a virgin by comparison.😬

Honestly guys, that’s exactly how I was feeling. Maybe I was just dealing with some insecurities, but it’s finally clicking for me now!!
Thanks so much!!!

Look, the way you’re acting right now—and how you're feeling about it—is more than just a momentary lapse. It’s actually a pretty big indicator for both of you regarding what kind of partner you really are. I think deep down you know that by pushing her so hard to say that specific number, and then reacting the way you did afterward, you really shook the foundation of what was otherwise a great relationship.

Don't try to force yourself into being someone you aren't—honestly, if you find yourself doing things that feel totally out of character, just stop. Because if this behavior *is* actually who you are at your core, then we’ve got a much bigger issue on our hands.