My father committed suicide. How do I cope?

granitesurfer36 said:Five days ago, my father took his own life. Pain, despair, bitterness, guilt, anger—even shame... those are just a few of the things I’ve been carrying around. During the day, I can hold it together, but at night, the memory of what he did haunts me. I find myself constantly replaying it in my head. I’m actually scared to go to sleep because even when I finally drift off, I wake up thinking about it all over again. How can I help myself get through this?

I am so incredibly sorry. I know exactly what you're going through—my brother ended his life the same way. Please, reach out to a psychologist. Talking it out and getting some professional guidance can make a massive difference... even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

granitesurfer36 said:Thanks for the kind words. I really don't want this label to follow me forever, and I know that's entirely up to me.

Look, you’ve just gone through a fundamentally traumatic life event, and how you choose to handle it right now is everything. If you don't set a healthy foundation immediately, you could be looking at psychological fallout that haunts you for decades. To get that footing, you need professional guidance. Whether it’s a therapist or a psychiatrist doesn't matter—what matters is having someone model for you how to actually process the tidal wave of emotions and thoughts hitting you. You aren't crazy; what you’re feeling in your head and your heart is a completely natural response to an unnatural situation. You have to invest the time in yourself and seek help now, simply so you don't reach a breaking point.
I totally get where you're coming from. My partner's father was caught in a blast—suffering from severe PTSD. My partner was only 17 at the time and didn't get the support he needed. Fast forward 11 years, and he’s still dealing with mental fog and constant short-circuiting in his brain. He isn't "crazy," but trivial things hit him hard when they shouldn't, and honestly, he's much more scattered than someone his age should be.
The reality is, you’ll likely carry the stigma for life because you’ve been marked by your father's actions. That's just human nature; there's no escaping the social fallout. But while you can't change the mark, you can learn how to navigate it.
Stay brave, stay rational, and put all your focus on yourself right now. There is nothing left for you to do regarding your dad, but there is plenty you can do for yourself.

granitesurfer36 said:Five days ago, my father took his own life. Pain, despair, bitterness, guilt, anger—even shame... those are just a few of the things I’ve been carrying around. During the day, I can hold it together, but at night, the memory of what he did haunts me. I find myself constantly replaying it in my head. I’m actually scared to go to sleep because even when I finally drift off, I wake up thinking about it all over again. How can I help myself get through this?

I completely understand where you're coming from. I lost a close friend that way, and about a year and a half ago, a colleague—only 26—did the same. I've navigated all those emotions and stages myself, though I did struggle with the shame. She left a goodbye note for us
colleagues, which I am deeply grateful for. Our company even brought in
a specialist to help us process it. Once you accept that this was her personal choice—that you aren't responsible for her actions—you'll eventually find a way to let go.
I still have one specific image stuck in my mind, something I probably won't ever be able to erase
: the day before she died, I caught a glimpse of her eyes—there was this hauntingly empty stare
that I didn't connect to anything tragic at the time.
She never sent any signals; she never hinted that she was struggling. Looking back at her note, it's clear she had been planning this
for a long time.

😢

Three years ago, I lost my son—and I was completely numb, drifting through a haze of sedative injections and disbelief until reality finally hit me. I started seeing a psychiatrist, but no one could truly touch my pain; it’s just been this solitary, internal battle that I have to carry alone.

Drew Morgan said:Forget calling FEMA; they need to start long-term psychotherapy instead.

When you're dealing with immediate shock or an acute situation, you go to a crisis center. Psychotherapy is a different matter entirely; it’s more about the long game, which becomes relevant much later. It's a bit like breaking an arm—your first priority is getting the fracture set at the ER, and only after that do you worry about physical therapy. I'm not quite sure why there is such a drive on these forums to offer unsolicited medical advice.☕

I can totally say I get where you're coming from
my dad took his own life about two months ago
it was an explosion at the house—pretty violent stuff
I went through the exact same thing—nightmares, fear of the dark, jumping at every little sound—but honestly, it all passed, and it actually happened pretty fast

all those panic-mongers kept telling me I needed to see a psychiatrist right away and whatnot, but when I finally called one, he basically said that normal grieving and processing trauma takes a few months, and everyone just deals with it in their own way
if things don't improve after, say, six months to a year—though it's different for everyone—that's when you should look for help

and to all you panickers in here who are trying to rush her off to some clinic... give it a rest. They aren't even going to treat her until she gets through this initial grieving phase and everything settles down

also, a word of advice: stay away from sleeping pills. They won't really make you feel better and you could easily end up hooked; I ended up having hallucinations from them and decided I was done
if you're too scared to sleep alone, ask a friend or someone close to you to crash with you. That helped me a ton because it made me feel safer and stopped that horrific mental movie from playing on loop in my head

if you ever want to talk about it, feel free to shoot me a DM or whatever else works

hang in there

Angela Newman33 said:I can totally say I get where you're coming from
my dad took his own life about two months ago
it was an explosion at the house—pretty violent stuff
I went through the exact same thing—nightmares, fear of the dark, jumping at every little sound—but honestly, it all passed, and it actually happened pretty fast

all those panic-mongers kept telling me I needed to see a psychiatrist right away and whatnot, but when I finally called one, he basically said that normal grieving and processing trauma takes a few months, and everyone just deals with it in their own way
if things don't improve after, say, six months to a year—though it's different for everyone—that's when you should look for help

and to all you panickers in here who are trying to rush her off to some clinic... give it a rest. They aren't even going to treat her until she gets through this initial grieving phase and everything settles down

also, a word of advice: stay away from sleeping pills. They won't really make you feel better and you could easily end up hooked; I ended up having hallucinations from them and decided I was done
if you're too scared to sleep alone, ask a friend or someone close to you to crash with you. That helped me a ton because it made me feel safer and stopped that horrific mental movie from playing on loop in my head

if you ever want to talk about it, feel free to shoot me a DM or whatever else works

hang in there

Why would she even bother reaching out after you already laid it all out for her? Let her sit with it for a year or two; if she finally hits a breaking point then, maybe she can give you a call.😳

Look, honey, you're confusing being mentally ill with simply experiencing psychological trauma. There's a massive difference. Besides, mental fortitude isn't distributed equally among everyone. That’s why we have specialists who deal specifically with these issues. You've even got licensed therapists who aren't necessarily psychologists or psychiatrists, but they've gone through specialized training to help someone navigate a crisis like this so they can find their footing and handle the aftermath in a healthy way.

Thanks to everyone for the advice and for being so understanding, but Angela Newman33 is completely out of the loop. It’s been 16 days now and I'm feeling so much better 🙂...the shame and guilt have faded, along with that constant loop of wondering why, how, or if we could have seen it coming and stopped it. I’ve finally accepted that it was his decision, and there was nothing we could have done to change it. The human mind is a strange thing; I've always relied on psychoanalysis to understand my own actions and attitudes to find a way toward healing. This time was no different... thanks again, everyone.

Angela Wright said:Why would she even bother reaching out after you already laid it all out for her? Let her sit with it for a year or two; if she finally hits a breaking point then, maybe she can give you a call.😳

Look, honey, you're confusing being mentally ill with simply experiencing psychological trauma. There's a massive difference. Besides, mental fortitude isn't distributed equally among everyone. That’s why we have specialists who deal specifically with these issues. You've even got licensed therapists who aren't necessarily psychologists or psychiatrists, but they've gone through specialized training to help someone navigate a crisis like this so they can find their footing and handle the aftermath in a healthy way.

And you clearly haven't been in this position yourself, or at least didn't think to ask an actual expert what they thought about it.

I already mentioned that I talked things over with a few psychologists after everything went down (not just for my own sake, but for everyone involved), and they all said the exact same thing: you need to wait a while before you start digging into it.

Everyone handles stuff like this differently, and you have to let them try to process it on their own terms before you start pushing them toward doctors and specialists.
Because, honestly, those pros can't really do much until a person has first tried to deal with their own headspace.

Angela Newman33 said:And you clearly haven't been in this position yourself, or at least didn't think to ask an actual expert what they thought about it.

I already mentioned that I talked things over with a few psychologists after everything went down (not just for my own sake, but for everyone involved), and they all said the exact same thing: you need to wait a while before you start digging into it.

Everyone handles stuff like this differently, and you have to let them try to process it on their own terms before you start pushing them toward doctors and specialists.
Because, honestly, those pros can't really do much until a person has first tried to deal with their own headspace.

And you, sweetie, clearly aren't reading with any actual comprehension or attention. Your implication that I obviously haven't found myself in a similar spot isn't fair. People deal with all kinds of chaos on a daily basis, and nobody has the right to claim their problems are somehow different, bigger, or harder than anyone else's. For your information, if you actually looked at my profile, you'd see I deal with one particular, highly traumatic situation quite frequently, working with people and their families from the very moment they receive a diagnosis.

Like I said before, and I’m repeating it now: she doesn't need clinical treatment; she needs guidance on how to carry herself through this entire crisis. Other people have reached out to her with that exact kind of support.
I have no idea what specific psychologists or psychiatrists you're citing, because I don't know what questions you actually asked them. It’s pretty clear you were asking them about treatment, rather than guidance on how to handle things right now. For God's sake, crisis intervention centers weren't dreamed up by accident. They were designed by experts for a very specific purpose. Look at American movies based on true stories, like those dealing with school shootings. Crisis teams of psychologists and therapists arrive on the scene immediately to work with the survivors, talk through everything, and facilitate support groups. Why do you think that is?
And please, just accept once and for all that psychologists and psychiatrists aren't just there for people with chronic mental illnesses; they exist to prevent those very illnesses and disorders from developing out of intense, high-stress situations. That’s why getting that help and guidance as early as possible is absolutely critical.

The girl came looking for advice and she got it. She made her decision fully informed. She says she feels better, which is great—let's just hope that holds.

Angela Wright said:And you, sweetie, clearly aren't reading with any actual comprehension or attention. Your implication that I obviously haven't found myself in a similar spot isn't fair. People deal with all kinds of chaos on a daily basis, and nobody has the right to claim their problems are somehow different, bigger, or harder than anyone else's. For your information, if you actually looked at my profile, you'd see I deal with one particular, highly traumatic situation quite frequently, working with people and their families from the very moment they receive a diagnosis.

Like I said before, and I’m repeating it now: she doesn't need clinical treatment; she needs guidance on how to carry herself through this entire crisis. Other people have reached out to her with that exact kind of support.
I have no idea what specific psychologists or psychiatrists you're citing, because I don't know what questions you actually asked them. It’s pretty clear you were asking them about treatment, rather than guidance on how to handle things right now. For God's sake, crisis intervention centers weren't dreamed up by accident. They were designed by experts for a very specific purpose. Look at American movies based on true stories, like those dealing with school shootings. Crisis teams of psychologists and therapists arrive on the scene immediately to work with the survivors, talk through everything, and facilitate support groups. Why do you think that is?
And please, just accept once and for all that psychologists and psychiatrists aren't just there for people with chronic mental illnesses; they exist to prevent those very illnesses and disorders from developing out of intense, high-stress situations. That’s why getting that help and guidance as early as possible is absolutely critical.

The girl came looking for advice and she got it. She made her decision fully informed. She says she feels better, which is great—let's just hope that holds.

I feel like you aren't really listening here because you've been acting incredibly arrogant and condescending from the start.

I'm just reporting what the psychologists told me when I called them regarding this exact same situation she's facing right now.

I only called because, from the second it happened, everyone around me started hysterically screaming for professional help (not because of me, but because of my brother, who witnessed everything).

And the clinicians and other specialists told me exactly what I've written here.

Unless there's an immediate pathological condition, they said there's no need to rush to a psychologist—sometimes a person just needs time to process everything mentally.

They told us to check back in a few months.

So, we're talking about a crisis situation involving a traumatic event... the experts knew the situation and gave me the advice I'm simply quoting.

So, don't attack me. You can disagree with how certain psychologists work, sure, but don't make this personal.

And being "ill" and committing suicide are definitely not the same thing... when someone is truly ill, it's a completely different trajectory that a person has to navigate to accept.
You can prepare for what's coming, you have free will in how you face the problem, the family is involved in the process, and so on.
This is a totally different type of issue, and trying to lump it all together is just lazy, sweeping guesswork about an unknown situation.

P.S. I've lived through your version of this too, so I know exactly what I'm talking about.
Maybe ask my brother if the feeling is the same whether a parent dies of cancer or takes their own life... I'm sure he'll have something to say about that.

I feel like you're blurring the lines between actual crisis intervention and long-term support here

Look, obviously if someone is in total shock after something horrific happens and they can't even function—they need immediate help... and that’s when you see those specialized teams on TV stepping in

In the US, we don't really have mobile psychology units that just roll up to help a family dealing with a suicide. Usually, you'd just call your doctor and ask for a referral to a clinic somewhere

Sure, there are family counselors and stuff like that, but that isn't meant for an acute crisis situation

Traumas that don't completely paralyze your ability to live your life aren't treated the same way as, say, the immediate shock following a major car accident

That's why a psychologist is going to grill you about the person's state—whether they're talking normally, eating, all that kind of thing
If there aren't any red flags suggesting something needs to be tackled right this second, they'll probably just suggest you ride out the stages of grief (which can last anywhere from a few months to a year, depending on the person) and then reach out later if you feel like you need it
Some form of therapy is usually a good idea because the trauma definitely sticks around—even with things much less intense than losing someone to suicide

p.s. And no, I'm not confusing treatment with management

🙄🤦
Angela Newman33,
I'm honestly stumped as to why you’ve decided I'm being arrogant or stuck-up; I have no clue what gave you that impression.🤷
Whatever. I laid out my perspective and the facts as I see them, and I think I made myself perfectly clear.
I'm not interested in getting into a petty back-and-forth with you, trying to outsmart you, or wasting breath overexplaining things.
Best,

Angela Wright said:🙄🤦
Angela Newman33,
I'm honestly stumped as to why you’ve decided I'm being arrogant or stuck-up; I have no clue what gave you that impression.🤷
Whatever. I laid out my perspective and the facts as I see them, and I think I made myself perfectly clear.
I'm not interested in getting into a petty back-and-forth with you, trying to outsmart you, or wasting breath overexplaining things.
Best,

Look, regardless of how you feel about me, you could always just lay out what exactly this "expertise" of yours is regarding this issue.

I'm sure there are people here who'd actually find it interesting—just so they know who's giving advice and what they're actually talking about, since you write like you're some kind of expert on the subject.

granitesurfer36 said:Thanks to everyone for the advice and for being so understanding, but Angela Newman33 is completely out of the loop. It’s been 16 days now and I'm feeling so much better 🙂...the shame and guilt have faded, along with that constant loop of wondering why, how, or if we could have seen it coming and stopped it. I’ve finally accepted that it was his decision, and there was nothing we could have done to change it. The human mind is a strange thing; I've always relied on psychoanalysis to understand my own actions and attitudes to find a way toward healing. This time was no different... thanks again, everyone.

You didn't mention your father.
How are you feeling about him?
Do you empathize with him at all, and do you agree that what he went through was incredibly difficult?😢

In my experience, suffering has a way of waking us up; it leads to a genuine understanding
of ourselves and others that feels much deeper than any joy ever could.

Beyond that,

Love is, (among other things), finally being able to grasp the suffering of another soul.🙂

Angela Newman33 said:Look, regardless of how you feel about me, you could always just lay out what exactly this "expertise" of yours is regarding this issue.

I'm sure there are people here who'd actually find it interesting—just so they know who's giving advice and what they're actually talking about, since you write like you're some kind of expert on the subject.

I could, but it would be off-topic. We are talking about a father's suicide here. Every single trauma or crisis where you're suddenly forced to face a fundamentally devastating situation demands an immediate, urgent response.
I already pointed you toward my signature if you want to dig into my credentials.

My father took his own life. I get what you’re all saying, I really do, but everyone processes this kind of thing differently, I guess. It only started helping when I forced myself to look at it from his perspective: he was struggling, he couldn't carry the weight anymore, and he just decided to let go. Maybe it sounds harsh, but once I started respecting his choice, I finally found some peace...

I just stumbled onto this... didn't read everything, honestly. I mean, everyone looks at things through such different lenses, right? We’re all our own people. Some folks need help right this second, some need it later, and some... well, they never seek it. I actually went through something similar myself this past summer when my dad took his own life in the exact same way. All these emotions... they're still swirling around inside me. I keep telling myself things will get better with time, but nothing ever feels quite the same again, and who knows if it ever truly will? Of course, before you even think about seeing a therapist, having your friends show up for you is absolutely huge. For me, the ones who really held me together were 😍
But gosh, what else can I even say? The pain is still just... there. It's constant. The nerves, the fear, everything. And the insomnia? That's the absolute worst part, honestly. It's driving me crazy.
And sometimes, those "comforting" words people say... they hit so hard. Like when they tell you your father finally found peace, or that it was his own choice to leave.

granitesurfer36 said:You're talking like I'm some kind of psychiatric patient...

You aren't... but you could be.

I was in the exact same spot... except I was the one who found him. I was 12.
The first two years, I thought it was funny. Didn't care. Then I started getting angry at him—how could he just leave us? Then came the hatred. Then I couldn't stop thinking about it. Then the depression hit. Eventually, I actually did become a mental case.

@Boston, could this actually be a psychological case study?

Um, yeah... an old friend of my dad's once told me about how both his parents took their own lives. He was young back then, right around your age, so he didn't really grasp the gravity of it immediately. It wasn't until he hit 18 or even his early 20s that things started getting heavy... but hey, he worked through it all. Totally moved past it.

From what I can tell, we’re all riding the same emotional rollercoasters at the exact same time. It’s wild. Like, you’ll be feeling sadness, and then suddenly it's bitterness, then anger, then guilt, then just pure embarrassment (I remember feeling that way once at a funeral—just a huge crowd staring at me while I desperately wanted to vanish into thin air)... it's weird. But it's real.
So, look, it’s been four months since that awful thing happened. People try all sorts of ways to cope and heal, but, well, I haven't turned into a total psychological wreck just yet... and I'm really hoping I won't!

Anyway, Boston, how old are you now? And what makes you think you're some kind of "case study"?