Is it actually possible to change your sexual orientation?

Just wondering how you think you have the right to interpret God and His intentions unless you're claiming to be on His level... 😉

placidwolf2 said:Thanks for the input. 😘 I get where you're coming from, and I've actually considered that possibility. Maybe I didn't make this clear enough, but when I fall for a woman, men basically cease to exist in my mind—I just don't perceive them anymore. 😕 It feels like an all-or-nothing situation for me; there isn't much middle ground. The real issue is what happens if I actually commit to a woman after having physical experiences with one. That pull is obsessive, yet at the same time, it absolutely terrifies me.

I know the general consensus is that sexual orientation mostly solidifies during adolescence, and back then, my feelings definitely leaned toward guys. That’s why I’m so conflicted. If anyone here knows the clinical take on this: is it actually possible to suddenly realize you're homosexual right as you're hitting thirty? When you're young, you just drift along without overthinking things like I am now. I'm scared to dive into something REAL that could completely overhaul my life, because part of me keeps telling me this is all just some temporary phase.🙄

Here is the reality: you accept yourself as gay, then you fall for a guy, and suddenly women aren't even on your radar anymore.

You sound bisexual to me; why pick a side? In my view, bisexual people have the most freedom when searching for a soulmate. It's the most advantageous position to be in.

placidwolf2 said:Thanks for the input. 😘 I get where you're coming from, and I've actually considered that possibility. Maybe I didn't make this clear enough, but when I fall for a woman, men basically cease to exist in my mind—I just don't perceive them anymore. 😕 It feels like an all-or-nothing situation for me; there isn't much middle ground. The real issue is what happens if I actually commit to a woman after having physical experiences with one. That pull is obsessive, yet at the same time, it absolutely terrifies me.

I know the general consensus is that sexual orientation mostly solidifies during adolescence, and back then, my feelings definitely leaned toward guys. That’s why I’m so conflicted. If anyone here knows the clinical take on this: is it actually possible to suddenly realize you're homosexual right as you're hitting thirty? When you're young, you just drift along without overthinking things like I am now. I'm scared to dive into something REAL that could completely overhaul my life, because part of me keeps telling me this is all just some temporary phase.🙄

I've said it a hundred times before and I'll say it again: sexuality isn't black and white.
It's made up of a million different shades.
A huge number of people experience attraction to the same sex without being able to put a label on it themselves. Some act on it, others just keep it as a fantasy. All I can tell you is to figure out what you actually want. If you want to feel a woman's touch, then go for it. If you think it's just a passing whim, then wait. Don't just rush in or drive yourself crazy overthinking it. People end up feeling miserable (like the OP here) when they realize they aren't strictly straight—not because they're "afraid" of themselves, but because we live in a society that still treats being gay as something unnatural or shameful. This is your life and your desires. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that YOU are happy, not the judgmental crowd surrounding us. Good luck! 😉

Drew Morgan Asks:
I think it’s actually possible—you just fully embrace being gay. Once you truly accept that part of yourself and fall for a guy, women just sort of... stop existing to you. It’s like they fade into the background entirely.

Man, you actually got me laughing with that one. Seriously, I was tearing up. 🤣 I'm just not so sure I could pull off those kinds of sudden pivots myself. 🤷

Brian Murphy3 Asks:
I feel like I’ve said this a hundred times already, but I’ll say it again: sexuality isn't some black-and-white issue. It’s made up of a million different shades and nuances.

Look, Dušo, I’m not exactly looking at things in black and white, if that’s what you think. That’s actually the whole reason I’m asking these questions—I'm trying to figure out what kind of colors I actually have inside me. I can't seem to uncover them on my own, or maybe I’m just colorblind. 😵

Brian Murphy3 said:I've said it a hundred times before and I'll say it again: sexuality isn't black and white.
It's made up of a million different shades.
A huge number of people experience attraction to the same sex without being able to put a label on it themselves. Some act on it, others just keep it as a fantasy. All I can tell you is to figure out what you actually want. If you want to feel a woman's touch, then go for it. If you think it's just a passing whim, then wait. Don't just rush in or drive yourself crazy overthinking it. People end up feeling miserable (like the OP here) when they realize they aren't strictly straight—not because they're "afraid" of themselves, but because we live in a society that still treats being gay as something unnatural or shameful. This is your life and your desires. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that YOU are happy, not the judgmental crowd surrounding us. Good luck! 😉

Look, I’m trying to give you some constructive advice here. I’ve been chewing on this for a long time, but honestly, how am I supposed to just sit around and wait? This has been my reality for years now, and I've already cycled through seven or eight of these "crushes" that went nowhere. 😕 That’s the core of my struggle—this constant impatience and the way I miss out on opportunities because I’m always overthinking everything. I can't help but wonder if being this cautious actually counts as bravery, or if I'm just stuck. But what really keeps me up at night is whether all this mental gymnastics will eventually cause me to lose feelings for my boyfriend. We have this deep connection, and I’d hate to let my own neuroses get in the way of that. Maybe you have a point about how toxic society can be. It’s possible that my subconscious is holding me back, not because I’m actually afraid of changing my life, but because I’m terrified of the judgment from everyone around me. I worry about how my choices might affect him, or how my friends will react. Honestly, I’m spiraling a bit. I need to take a step back and process all of this. Thanks for the input. 😘

placidwolf2 said:I feel like I’m constantly battling this identity crisis. For the longest time, I’ve always been exclusively into guys, but then there are these phases where I find myself falling for a woman. It usually happens out of nowhere—just a passing thing—but then suddenly she’s all I can think about for days, and I’m just counting down the minutes until I see her again. Meanwhile, everything with my boyfriend seems totally fine, except maybe when we're being intimate; I catch myself imagining his touch is actually hers, though he has absolutely no clue what's going on in my head. Then, just as quickly as it started, the feeling fades. I can't really explain it. I just know I don't have the guts to approach any of these women I find attractive, even though a part of me really wants to. I'm terrified that if I actually tried, I might find out I actually enjoy physical contact with them, and that scares the hell out of me. I’ve always told myself I was only attracted to men, and I’d really prefer to keep it that way. Things are great with my boyfriend, and I tend to view these feelings as just some passing phase that might eventually disappear on its own, so why risk everything? What do you guys think? Is it worth taking the leap to figure out who I really am, or should I just keep playing it safe and stay the course as I have been?

Oh man, reading this... it hits way too close to home. Honestly, it sounds so much like me. When I'm totally wrapped up in a guy, I'm only looking at dudes. But the second I'm caught up with a girl, it's strictly women. I don't even know how to put it into words, it's so hard to define those vibes. One day it's one way, the next day it's totally different, the third day it's somewhere in the middle, and the fourth day I'm a whole different person again. It’s just... asymmetrical. Everything is just a total mess, honestly...

placidwolf2 said:

Drew Morgan Asks:
I think it’s actually possible—you just fully embrace being gay. Once you truly accept that part of yourself and fall for a guy, women just sort of... stop existing to you. It’s like they fade into the background entirely.

Man, you actually got me laughing with that one. Seriously, I was tearing up. 🤣 I'm just not so sure I could pull off those kinds of sudden pivots myself. 🤷

Brian Murphy3 Asks:
I feel like I’ve said this a hundred times already, but I’ll say it again: sexuality isn't some black-and-white issue. It’s made up of a million different shades and nuances.

Look, Dušo, I’m not exactly looking at things in black and white, if that’s what you think. That’s actually the whole reason I’m asking these questions—I'm trying to figure out what kind of colors I actually have inside me. I can't seem to uncover them on my own, or maybe I’m just colorblind. 😵

Look, I’m trying to give you some constructive advice here. I’ve been chewing on this for a long time, but honestly, how am I supposed to just sit around and wait? This has been my reality for years now, and I've already cycled through seven or eight of these "crushes" that went nowhere. 😕 That’s the core of my struggle—this constant impatience and the way I miss out on opportunities because I’m always overthinking everything. I can't help but wonder if being this cautious actually counts as bravery, or if I'm just stuck. But what really keeps me up at night is whether all this mental gymnastics will eventually cause me to lose feelings for my boyfriend. We have this deep connection, and I’d hate to let my own neuroses get in the way of that. Maybe you have a point about how toxic society can be. It’s possible that my subconscious is holding me back, not because I’m actually afraid of changing my life, but because I’m terrified of the judgment from everyone around me. I worry about how my choices might affect him, or how my friends will react. Honestly, I’m spiraling a bit. I need to take a step back and process all of this. Thanks for the input. 😘

Honey? 😁
Look... the biggest issue here, in my opinion, is that you're already in a relationship. Now that I've realized that, I can't exactly give you advice like, "Go out and try dating that girl." 😁

slyraven9 said:Oh man, reading this... it hits way too close to home. Honestly, it sounds so much like me. When I'm totally wrapped up in a guy, I'm only looking at dudes. But the second I'm caught up with a girl, it's strictly women. I don't even know how to put it into words, it's so hard to define those vibes. One day it's one way, the next day it's totally different, the third day it's somewhere in the middle, and the fourth day I'm a whole different person again. It’s just... asymmetrical. Everything is just a total mess, honestly...

Fortunately, things aren't a complete disaster every single day for me, so I can catch my breath. If it were constant, I’d probably lose my mind. 😳It mostly follows some kind of predictable rhythm every few months. I’ve noticed I’m most drawn to women during the spring and especially in the summer. 🙄During the winter, I’m happy just being with my boyfriend; girls aren't even on my radar then. Honestly, I’m a bit of a mess. I was lying awake last night thinking that maybe I’m just envious of how good they look in all those breezy summer dresses—yum. 😍Envious yet obsessively attracted... I don't know if there's a clinical term for that specific phenomenon. It actually crossed my mind to just take my boyfriend's last name and see what happens next. ☕

@redharbor9 - thanks. if my brain starts acting up again, I'll be back. 😍

placidwolf2 said:Fortunately, things aren't a complete disaster every single day for me, so I can catch my breath. If it were constant, I’d probably lose my mind. 😳It mostly follows some kind of predictable rhythm every few months. I’ve noticed I’m most drawn to women during the spring and especially in the summer. 🙄During the winter, I’m happy just being with my boyfriend; girls aren't even on my radar then. Honestly, I’m a bit of a mess. I was lying awake last night thinking that maybe I’m just envious of how good they look in all those breezy summer dresses—yum. 😍Envious yet obsessively attracted... I don't know if there's a clinical term for that specific phenomenon. It actually crossed my mind to just take my boyfriend's last name and see what happens next. ☕

@redharbor9 - thanks. if my brain starts acting up again, I'll be back. 😍

Yeah, because that’s when they start showing more skin...😂 maybe that's why you're subconsciously drawn to them more in the summer... or what?

Good grief, this is textbook homophobia, pure and simple.🤦

What if you all just stopped being so obsessed with everyone's anatomy
and actually tried spending time with the person you're falling for—or whatever it is you're doing—instead of constantly stressing over why they were born with one set of parts rather than another?

First off, I have to respond to this... blah
Look, I’m Catholic—raised with a rock-solid faith, Sunday school, Mass, prayers at home, all that stuff. I went through the whole motions and believed blindly for a long time... and while I still believe today, it’s a bit different. I believe in God, but I have my doubts about what people *claim* is God. After all, people wrote the Bible, priests are just men, bishops are just men, and honestly, even the Pope is just a man. 😬
I won't drone on, but if you truly believe in God, then you believe He created you, right? And you believe He somehow guides your life? And that He is perfect and infallible? Okay, now I’m intentionally exaggerating a little...
Main point being, I think it's safe to say everything you just wrote is pretty much nonsense. I’d use a more precise term, but I don't want to get banned.

Furthermore, I’d bet half those priests are actually attracted to men. We've seen all kinds of scandals involving homosexuality behind church walls; some of them just can't suppress their sexuality, and eventually, things explode. Just imagine what goes on behind those closed doors when you consider everything the Church has managed to hide throughout history—and who knows what they're still hiding today...

And from what I know, guys confessing homosexual sins are often advised that celibacy is the only solution. They suppress their sexuality, and in that way, they end up joining the clergy. I don't think that's particularly healthy, though I suppose I believe some people can suppress their urges and stick to celibacy for life, since it isn't equally intense for everyone. Personally, thank God I figured out early enough that I want to sleep with people—at least I was sure about that. 😬

slyraven9, here’s a bit of my own experience—maybe it’ll give you some perspective if you find it useful. I went through a very similar path to what you’re dealing with right now, and honestly, I’ve reached a pretty peaceful place regarding it all. I’m certainly no scientist specializing in human sexuality, but since I see you’re looking for some guidance, I figured I’d share my story as a sort of real-world validation for some of those tips you've been reading.

I was born and raised in a small, conservative town, in a strict Catholic family and all that... to make a long story short, I didn't even really hear the word "homosexual" until I was about 12 or 13, and I probably didn't truly grasp the reality of it until I was 15 or 16. But back then, I had absolutely no clue that I was gay myself.
Looking back at my childhood, though, I can see that I was always gay in some capacity. When I sit down and actually analyze certain moments—even looking at my younger brother and seeing reflections of myself in him—it all becomes clear. (Off topic: it’s a shame we don't live closer, because I wish I had a better way to support him. I’ve known for years that he’s gay too, but since he’s just going through puberty, he might not be fully aware yet. He’ll have to walk this same path, which I suppose is inevitable, though maybe it'll be easier for him since he's 15 years younger than me and everything is just... different and more normalized nowadays).
Now, don't get me wrong—it wasn't like I gave it away by wearing makeup or playing with dolls; that would have been too obvious. It was more about who I was drawn to and where I was looking. I guess over time I just learned how to look at girls because that’s what "normal" looks like in high school. I was quite the sensitive soul, too—I spent three years pining over a girl, writing her love letters and all that nonsense. I was head over heels, had physical contact with girls, and even stayed in a relationship with one for ten months. In my early twenties, I had a fairly active sex life, almost like a stallion in his prime, 😬 but even during all of that, I knew—or rather, I knew but refused to accept—that I was gay. Before that long hetero relationship, I’d had a few homosexual experiences, but clearly, I wasn't "in love" enough to stop running from the truth. During that longer relationship, I finally realized it wasn't right for me, though I couldn't quite put my finger on why at the time. After we broke up, I tried to distract myself by exploring both genders through various short-term flings and sexual encounters. That’s when it clicked: guys really turn me on. As for women, I adore them; I love my female friends because they tend to be more emotionally expressive than the straight guys, and I find it much easier to talk to them. They’re great fun, too, and honestly, they weren't nearly as much of a "drama queen" as the gay guys I was meeting back then—they actually annoyed me more in the beginning than they do now.
I struggled with it, and I struggled for a long time... I went through one gay relationship that lasted about a year and a half, where I mostly convinced myself it was just about the sex. I accepted some of the emotions, sure, but I still held onto this fantasy that I’d eventually marry a woman, have kids, and have that perfect traditional marriage. Cheating or being promiscuous was never really my cup of tea—though, admittedly, things were different when I was single. I felt this frantic need to find *someone*, which I think stemmed from my own insecurities, a lack of self-confidence, and this desperate need to prove something to myself. I suspect most people who act promiscuously do it for those exact reasons.
Anyway, luckily, about ten months after that breakup—once I had finally cleared my head from the previous situation—I fell into a new love. It was incredibly intense: a three-year relationship, two of which we lived together. It was an exceptionally high-quality relationship, despite all the usual stresses that come with daily life. I have plenty of straight friends, and many of them deal with the exact same issues in their relationships—the same stupid arguments, the same stuff... honestly, hardly any problem we faced was unique to us; my straight friends have dealt with almost every single situation we went through.
Ultimately, within that relationship, I completely accepted myself and the reality of my orientation. I don't struggle with my conscience anymore because I know I'm attracted to men, not women. I don't spend time thinking I'm "not normal" or that it's my fault, or any of those other lies you and most young people go through when facing these kinds of "problems."
And yet, I still face challenges. I blame some of those factors for why my last relationship ended. The issue was hiding—not physically, because we lived together for two years and never had an issue with that. We went out, we went on vacations; our neighbors either thought we were roommates or just ignored it. We didn't make a scene in public or in hallways; we never encountered any negative reactions. For instance, when we were at the beach, it might have looked a little odd to see two guys sharing an apartment, but nobody ever reacted... it was fine. The problems were psychological, at least for me. I couldn't tell all my friends; I didn't hide him from them, but they just thought we were buddies, so they had no idea we were living together. For example, if I hosted a party, most of the invited guests assumed he was just there as my friend. It sucked; I felt like I was betraying him. My sister didn't even know we were living together; she’d come over for Sunday dinner every week, and he’d just head over to his parents' house for lunch. She thought we were just friends—and she still thinks that. I haven't even introduced him to my parents because we don't live in the same city. Basically, only a handful of my gay friends knew, along with a few straight friends. Almost all of his friends knew, and his parents seemed to just overlook it; I met them, but only as a friend, not as his partner.
Why did I mess this up so badly? It’s like I was trying to hide him—or even worse, betray him—almost as if I were ashamed. I don't really know how to put the feeling into words, but it tears you apart. At least, it's tearing me apart. I always told myself I was someone with deep, intense emotions—a lifelong idealist, I suppose—but nothing about it felt ideal. Because when you actually love someone, you should want to shout it from the rooftops and brag about them, right? 😬 I honestly can't describe the depth of that regret any better than that.
I’m writing this part because I want you to see just how much your environment shapes you. So much of how we act is just a manifestation of what we were taught growing up, mixed in with our actual feelings. If you try to suppress those feelings, you just end up acting closeted or repressed. But if you can learn to accept your feelings as valid—not deny them, but actually explore what truly turns you on—then you'll finally know for sure if you're gay or straight. You just have to be strong enough to reconcile your desires with reality in a messed-up society, and face down everything you were conditioned to believe. I can't really offer you much help here, though, since I'm still in the middle of the struggle myself and I have no idea how this all ends. Let's just say I'm hoping that by the time I hit 30—which gives me a few years of breathing room—I'll be clear-headed enough to just live my life and be fully present in a relationship...
If you can learn anything at all from my mistakes and my experience, then I'll consider it worth it...

Chris Howard4
Okay, let me drift off-topic for a second here—I can only imagine how tough it was growing up in a family like that. Honestly? I believe God exists and I have respect for Him, but I’m just not buying into organized religion. To me, God is just another being who makes mistakes. I mean, nobody is perfect, right? If perfection actually existed, life would be flawless—no murders, no disasters, nothing. So, I figure even He probably messed up a few things along the way. 😛
And man, looking back at priests from a hundred years ago... they were so dedicated to their faith, unlike what you see today. Now, you just see them in the news, driving around in their BMWs and stuff... It feels more like they're chasing the paycheck than anything else, though I'm not saying there aren't people hiding things, per se. I remember seeing some news about a church tax thing where all the clergy just absolutely lost their minds... but anyway, that's a whole other rabbit hole.

Now, about the other thing. Regardless of how much guys might turn me on, I fall in love with women. With guys, it’s strictly physical for me—just sex and that's it. But when I catch feelings for a girl, I look into her eyes and I can see an entire lifetime ahead of us, from the very first date until the very end. I’ve totally embraced who I am. It’s like my body says one thing, but my heart says another. I don't care what society thinks; this is who I am, take it or leave it. I'm really glad you’ve accepted yourself, too. From what I’ve read and gathered, our situations are similar, even if they aren't identical. I’m not denying my feelings at all—that’s literally what I'm saying. Why on earth would I lie about this when I'm actively trying to figure it all out, you know?

Look, I don't mean to turn this thread into a deep dive on religion or spirituality—that’s probably not what we're here for. Personally, I tend to view what people call God as more of an energy, or perhaps just some force greater than ourselves... I suppose everyone has their own way of looking at it.

Moving on, though—none of us are identical, and our life experiences aren't exactly carbon copies of one another either. I didn't lay out all that personal stuff about myself just for you to try and map it onto your own life; based on your posts, it seems to me you're quite capable of thinking for yourself, so I really just wanted to give you some food for thought.

Here is a little more...
I deal with certain desires regarding the opposite sex—it’s hard to put my finger on it. I know I'm gay, but sometimes I feel this strange sense of nostalgia for things I'm missing out on because of that... specifically when it comes to having children, though there's more to it than that. I wonder if it's just leftover conditioning from how I was raised as a kid, or if it's a genuine, underlying need. Usually, I quickly realize that I wouldn't be able to settle down with one woman for the rest of my life. I actually had the chance to have sex with a woman recently... everything was great, very high energy, a bit of fun, I was definitely turned on, and honestly, I could have gone for it—but I didn't. I wish I knew why I didn't... I just don't know.

It seems to me that what's bothering you is that gap—that disconnect—between what you actually want or need and the behaviors you were taught or accepted as "normal"... I used my own experience to illustrate that point. It might not be exactly the case for you, but it's something to consider.

I'd love to see redharbor9 join the conversation. It feels like no one has approached the topic from this specific angle yet, and given his expertise in that field, he'd likely have some pretty insightful things to say. 🙏

slyraven9 said:Chris Howard4
Okay, let me drift off-topic for a second here—I can only imagine how tough it was growing up in a family like that. Honestly? I believe God exists and I have respect for Him, but I’m just not buying into organized religion. To me, God is just another being who makes mistakes. I mean, nobody is perfect, right? If perfection actually existed, life would be flawless—no murders, no disasters, nothing. So, I figure even He probably messed up a few things along the way. 😛
And man, looking back at priests from a hundred years ago... they were so dedicated to their faith, unlike what you see today. Now, you just see them in the news, driving around in their BMWs and stuff... It feels more like they're chasing the paycheck than anything else, though I'm not saying there aren't people hiding things, per se. I remember seeing some news about a church tax thing where all the clergy just absolutely lost their minds... but anyway, that's a whole other rabbit hole.

Now, about the other thing. Regardless of how much guys might turn me on, I fall in love with women. With guys, it’s strictly physical for me—just sex and that's it. But when I catch feelings for a girl, I look into her eyes and I can see an entire lifetime ahead of us, from the very first date until the very end. I’ve totally embraced who I am. It’s like my body says one thing, but my heart says another. I don't care what society thinks; this is who I am, take it or leave it. I'm really glad you’ve accepted yourself, too. From what I’ve read and gathered, our situations are similar, even if they aren't identical. I’m not denying my feelings at all—that’s literally what I'm saying. Why on earth would I lie about this when I'm actively trying to figure it all out, you know?

Ahhhh man, at that age, regardless of your orientation, it's pretty hard to envision a real future with anyone if we're being honest🙄.

As far as having sex with guys goes, sex and emotions are definitely intertwined.

I used to tell myself the exact same thing—that guys were just for sex—until this incredible guy came along. We had this mutual spark where our emotions just completely overwhelmed us, and before I knew it, I found myself with him sleeping on my shoulder (after plenty of making love—not just "sex") and I was just thinking, wow, thank God I got to experience this too...😍

Sure, if you can change your eye color...

The fact that both Catholicism and Islam—even Jewish leaders—condemn gay orientation might actually be some of the best proof that there’s nothing wrong with it. Just think back to when people insisted the Earth was flat. Actually, they didn't just insist; they *knew* it. And anyone who dared to say otherwise? They were burned at the stake. Nowadays, they'd probably just get canceled on Twitter...
It's a biological reality that a certain percentage of the population is homosexual—it always has been, it is, and it pretty much always will be. Case closed.

Cheers from LA

Chris Howard4 said:Look, I don't mean to turn this thread into a deep dive on religion or spirituality—that’s probably not what we're here for. Personally, I tend to view what people call God as more of an energy, or perhaps just some force greater than ourselves... I suppose everyone has their own way of looking at it.

Moving on, though—none of us are identical, and our life experiences aren't exactly carbon copies of one another either. I didn't lay out all that personal stuff about myself just for you to try and map it onto your own life; based on your posts, it seems to me you're quite capable of thinking for yourself, so I really just wanted to give you some food for thought.

Here is a little more...
I deal with certain desires regarding the opposite sex—it’s hard to put my finger on it. I know I'm gay, but sometimes I feel this strange sense of nostalgia for things I'm missing out on because of that... specifically when it comes to having children, though there's more to it than that. I wonder if it's just leftover conditioning from how I was raised as a kid, or if it's a genuine, underlying need. Usually, I quickly realize that I wouldn't be able to settle down with one woman for the rest of my life. I actually had the chance to have sex with a woman recently... everything was great, very high energy, a bit of fun, I was definitely turned on, and honestly, I could have gone for it—but I didn't. I wish I knew why I didn't... I just don't know.

It seems to me that what's bothering you is that gap—that disconnect—between what you actually want or need and the behaviors you were taught or accepted as "normal"... I used my own experience to illustrate that point. It might not be exactly the case for you, but it's something to consider.

I'd love to see redharbor9 join the conversation. It feels like no one has approached the topic from this specific angle yet, and given his expertise in that field, he'd likely have some pretty insightful things to say. 🙏

Look, as a gay guy, I know people think I'm biased in this thread, but whatever...

Not sure what I should even weigh in on... the parenting side or the wife side?

Parenting—specifically the "why" behind it—breaks down into four main drivers: altruistic, fatalistic, narcissistic, and instrumental.

It was written by a rabbi (you can look up the details online).

That last category gets split into four parts: self-validation, continuing the family line, maintaining marital stability, and patriotic motivation.

I'm not saying someone fits into just one bucket. It's more like a mix of different motives that vary in intensity from person to person.

As for those fantasies about a future with a wife... from what I've seen, the people chasing that are almost always dealing with internalized homophobia. They haven't fully accepted their sexuality, so they lean into those social expectations and obligations instead. Guess it's just easier for them to find an excuse to deny who they really are.

@redharbor9

I was actually hoping you’d weigh in on this... I wanted to pull you into the conversation, specifically regarding what I wrote about that gap between learned social norms—those rigid patterns we're taught to follow—and our raw, primal needs and desires.

(I'm not entirely sure if I'm articulating this clearly, so please bear with me since my background is in a completely different field altogether)

Let me try to be a bit more specific....

My own sense of longing—that occasional ache over not being straight—really boils down to two things:

1.) I want a child, mostly because of the emotional security inherent in that kind of bond. The love a parent feels for a child doesn't really fluctuate much; I have this drive to care for someone, to provide love, and ultimately to receive that same devotion in return. I know everyone's experience is different—for instance, I haven't lived with my parents since I turned 18, and we live states apart now, though we share this unbreakable, almost cosmic connection... It isn't the kind of pain you feel when you lose a partner; it's something mutual, unconditional, and seemingly limitless. That alone makes me want a child, which is why I find myself drawn to women—because, let's face it, no guy is going to give me a biological child, and adoption in America still has its hurdles... I'm sure you're familiar with how that goes.

2.) The reality is that life just seems simpler for straight people, and honestly, I wish mine were that straightforward too. I can't think of just one example to prove it; there are a million equally valid ones.

So, does this mean I don't accept myself? Am I somehow internalized homophobic? Hmm... I don't think so, though maybe to a small degree since I'm not out to everyone. But I view that as a calculated choice—it's simply easier this way. I worry that people might eventually look down on me or treat me differently as a colleague or a peer, and I refuse to give them the satisfaction of diminishing me. In my line of work, I can't exactly find a niche where I won't run into someone like that... whereas maybe a doctor working at a major hospital in New York City could afford to be more open.

There was a time when I considered telling my immediate family, but I didn't get the support I needed from my boyfriend back then. He kept pushing the decision onto me, essentially saying he didn't want to be there when I told them... So, I've concluded that it wasn't homophobia, but rather a lack of courage. Or maybe—and I wonder this myself—is it actually a bit of both?

As for me as an individual, I'm fine with who I am. I know what I am, and I've managed to sort through most of the pieces in my head—even if I've perhaps placed a few of them in the wrong spots. I'm not living under the delusion that I'll suddenly become straight; I know I won't, and I know I'll never marry a woman. I'm certainly not dreaming of some idealized version of the traditional American nuclear family... If I do dream, it’s about finding that perfect partnership and having a child—ideally my own, which is nearly impossible, or perhaps through adoption in an environment that wouldn't judge a child for having two dads.

slyraven9 said:Man, I’ve been wrestling with this one thing for what feels like forever, and honestly, I just don't know how to fix it. Looking at my own orientation, I’m either gay or bisexual—it kind of fluctuates—and it's starting to really get under my skin. Every single day, walking down the street, I hear people shouting things like, "What's wrong with those queers?" or "Someone should teach them a lesson," or "How can they even show their faces in public?" Look, I try to brush it off, I really do. I tell myself, "Hey, they're just being hateful, but hey, those people are still humans, even if they are the way they are." At first, I was fine with it. Just thought, *whatever, it is what it is, right?* I figured I just had to toughen up and deal with the noise. But after a while, it started eating at me. It created this constant, restless anxiety inside my chest. I see couples everywhere—just happy, totally in love—and I start spiraling. Like, why? Why did this happen to me? Why can't I feel what everyone else feels, you know? That spark with a woman? God, I just want to have a girlfriend. Not a boyfriend. I want to start a normal life, not... whatever this is. Did I even get a choice in the matter? Heck no! Eventually, I just hit a breaking point and told myself, "I don't want this." I don't want to be who I am. I just want a regular life with a girl who loves me, someone I can protect and look after. I want to love her, I want her body to drive me crazy, I want to be a man who loves women. But no matter how hard I try, it feels like I’m tethered to the ground. Like it's some impossible dream I'll never reach. Honestly, I’d rather not exist than keep living like this. I’ve been fighting this battle for so long now. I’ve tried watching lesbian porn—strictly girls—trying to ignore men entirely, doing my own thing to nothing but women, trying to figure out what makes their bodies exciting to me. After months of pure misery and struggling through it, I thought I finally made progress. I started feeling something for women, but it’s mostly just affection; their bodies only turn me on a little bit. Now everything is just a massive, confusing mess. Sometimes it's guys, sometimes it's girls. I'm totally lost and I don't know where to go from here. I know it sounds silly or unrealistic, but that’s truly how I feel. Right now, I just feel like the most pathetic creature on earth. I’m desperate.

So, I guess what I'm asking is... is it actually possible to change your sexual orientation?

Has anyone else ever gone through something similar? What does it even take to make a change like that?
How much time does it actually take? Has anyone ever truly succeeded? Please, seriously, any info would help me out. I honestly don't care if I end up being a firm bisexual or straight, as long as I'm not gay.

It IS possible to change one's sexual orientation. That isn't just my take on things—it's backed by scientific and professional consensus. Now, that doesn't mean every single person who wants to make that shift will succeed, but it is doable.
If you're living near Zillow, for instance, you could head over to Reebok; they have an excellent team of psychologists there, some of whom specialize specifically in matters of sexuality, orientation, and identity.
Plus, being in your adolescence actually works in your favor if you decide to pursue this path...

I see some people here claiming it's impossible. In my view, those folks are either uninformed, unprofessional, or simply biased.
The clinical reality is this: the DSM used to classify homosexuality as a deviation. Of course, that stance was abandoned long ago, and today's DSM-4 includes categories regarding "unspecified sexual disorders," which deal with "persistent and significant distress caused by one's own sexual orientation."
So, I'm not saying that's necessarily the case for axe_bobo, but he's the only one who can find out by sitting down with a specialist.

Good luck, axe_bobo, whatever you decide to do... 🙂

Carol Thompson said:It IS possible to change one's sexual orientation. That isn't just my take on things—it's backed by scientific and professional consensus. Now, that doesn't mean every single person who wants to make that shift will succeed, but it is doable.
If you're living near Zillow, for instance, you could head over to Reebok; they have an excellent team of psychologists there, some of whom specialize specifically in matters of sexuality, orientation, and identity.
Plus, being in your adolescence actually works in your favor if you decide to pursue this path...

I see some people here claiming it's impossible. In my view, those folks are either uninformed, unprofessional, or simply biased.
The clinical reality is this: the DSM used to classify homosexuality as a deviation. Of course, that stance was abandoned long ago, and today's DSM-4 includes categories regarding "unspecified sexual disorders," which deal with "persistent and significant distress caused by one's own sexual orientation."
So, I'm not saying that's necessarily the case for axe_bobo, but he's the only one who can find out by sitting down with a specialist.

Good luck, axe_bobo, whatever you decide to do... 🙂

Thanks for the advice, Anne Hathaway. 🙂
It’s almost been two weeks since I started this thread.
I've been taking some of the advice people gave me here, and things are... let's just say they've improved a little bit. First and foremost, I've started finding the female body attractive. I notice breasts—you know, that softness, the curves, how they move when women walk—and butts and legs too. I won't go into graphic detail, but yeah, I'm more attracted to women than I used to be. It isn't quite the same kind of arousal I feel toward men, but it's definitely stronger than before. Even my attraction to men has dipped, which I didn't really expect—not a total wipeout, but definitely noticeable. It's tough, though. It feels a bit like giving an addict exactly what they crave most, but if you've made up your mind that you want to be "normal," you just have to fight for it. I had a few slip-ups at first, but the further I go, the easier it gets. You just learn how to live with it and manage it.

EDIT:
Just so we're clear, it's not like this is possible in such a tiny window of time. If I'm managing it, it doesn't mean everyone can just snap their fingers and do it. I have to emphasize that I've actually been wrestling with this for several months now, like I mentioned in my very first post.