Guilt and Regret: How do you deal with it?

So, I’ve been scrolling through some threads on the forum and now I'm stuck thinking about how guilt just hangs over me... It feels suppressed, but it’s always there. Even after I fixed my mistakes as much as I possibly could, I still haven't shaken this feeling...

I used to deal with some pretty heavy depression, and while that long stretch is finally over, I can't seem to wash away this sense of guilt and regret. Even though I don't dwell on the specific things I regret, I still find myself triggered by some random memory at least once a day that brings it all back... It's like I can't function without it. Honestly, it doesn't feel normal, and I have no clue how to move past it...

Thinking about it now... I'm sure everyone deals with guilt or regret at some point. But my impression is that "normal" people feel it, bury it deep inside, and then move on because they don't need to keep revisiting it. For some reason, I feel obligated to remember. It's not like I enjoy it, but maybe it's just become a habit. If I'm not actively overthinking it, it just bubbles up subconsciously while I'm walking or doing something else...

What do you do to get rid of this feeling? I don't know if it's normal to carry this around for old mistakes, or if I should be able to function like everyone else and let those feelings go when the time comes...

Hopefully, I'm making sense here. This isn't just about one single thing that makes me regretful—it's more general than that. There's a whole mountain of stuff, unfortunately... haha😁😁 Is it just my self-critical nature? I'm the type of person who sits and overanalyzes everything until I find a solution. Part of me thinks (maybe I'm wrong) that if I stopped constantly feeling this guilt and regret over the past, I might actually function better as a person. You wouldn't notice anything on the surface, but I feel it deep down...🙂

Any advice? Recommendations? Personal experiences? A way out? 😁

Jesse Peterson5 said:So, I’ve been scrolling through some threads on the forum and now I'm stuck thinking about how guilt just hangs over me... It feels suppressed, but it’s always there. Even after I fixed my mistakes as much as I possibly could, I still haven't shaken this feeling...

I used to deal with some pretty heavy depression, and while that long stretch is finally over, I can't seem to wash away this sense of guilt and regret. Even though I don't dwell on the specific things I regret, I still find myself triggered by some random memory at least once a day that brings it all back... It's like I can't function without it. Honestly, it doesn't feel normal, and I have no clue how to move past it...

Thinking about it now... I'm sure everyone deals with guilt or regret at some point. But my impression is that "normal" people feel it, bury it deep inside, and then move on because they don't need to keep revisiting it. For some reason, I feel obligated to remember. It's not like I enjoy it, but maybe it's just become a habit. If I'm not actively overthinking it, it just bubbles up subconsciously while I'm walking or doing something else...

What do you do to get rid of this feeling? I don't know if it's normal to carry this around for old mistakes, or if I should be able to function like everyone else and let those feelings go when the time comes...

Hopefully, I'm making sense here. This isn't just about one single thing that makes me regretful—it's more general than that. There's a whole mountain of stuff, unfortunately... haha😁😁 Is it just my self-critical nature? I'm the type of person who sits and overanalyzes everything until I find a solution. Part of me thinks (maybe I'm wrong) that if I stopped constantly feeling this guilt and regret over the past, I might actually function better as a person. You wouldn't notice anything on the surface, but I feel it deep down...🙂

Any advice? Recommendations? Personal experiences? A way out? 😁

Well, you’ve already taken the first step: you realized how this guilt is messing with your life. It’s pretty obvious to you now that it’s excessive and just holding you back.

It gets resolved... slowly. In any specific situation where your conscience starts stinging because you did X instead of Y, try to comfort yourself. If you messed up—hey, nobody is perfect.

It takes time to learn how to give yourself credit every time you actually do something right. So, when that guilt hits you over example X, counter it with example Y—something you can genuinely be proud of.

These feelings are toxic. They don't make us "better" people. It's just a reflection of being too hard on yourself, which, ironically, keeps you from actually improving.

That whole concept was basically invented just so people could make others feel like crap.

It’s a miserable feeling when I just completely screw myself over—that specific brand of misery where nobody else is at fault, and honestly, I can't even point a finger at myself either...

In those moments, I just snap. I want to lash out, bite, tear things apart.
I end up feeling frustrated in about ≈ 2.356194490192344928846982537459627163147877049531
(hint: three major US corporations)

Nicholas Gomez27 said:That whole concept was basically invented just so people could make others feel like crap.

It’s a miserable feeling when I just completely screw myself over—that specific brand of misery where nobody else is at fault, and honestly, I can't even point a finger at myself either...

In those moments, I just snap. I want to lash out, bite, tear things apart.
I end up feeling frustrated in about ≈ 2.356194490192344928846982537459627163147877049531
(hint: three major US corporations)

How on earth did you conclude that conscience is purely a human invention? You honestly believe its only purpose is to manufacture guilt? And nothing else? Conscience isn't a "defect." It’s only labeled as such when it stops you from "blending in with the crowd."
Jesse Peterson5, who in your family actually operates with a sense of conscience like that? What’s your religious background?

My mother... life really did a number on her, and now I just sit here watching her, staring at my own reflection like 😢
As for religion... it’s a mixed bag in my family. Some people are believers, some aren't. Me? There's something there, but I can't quite put my finger on it. 🙂 Though, honestly, after the absolute chaos of the last three months, I’m refusing to believe in anything that isn't just myself. 🙂

Jesse Peterson5 said:My mother... life really did a number on her, and now I just sit here watching her, staring at my own reflection like 😢
As for religion... it’s a mixed bag in my family. Some people are believers, some aren't. Me? There's something there, but I can't quite put my finger on it. 🙂 Though, honestly, after the absolute chaos of the last three months, I’m refusing to believe in anything that isn't just myself. 🙂

Bingo.

Any advice? Recommendations? Experience? A solution to the problem?

No.
But I should add that we're in the same boat—my guilt stems from the fact that I haven't solved the problem. Because I simply don't know how.
Your "self" is composed of your fears, your beliefs (or lack thereof), your upbringing... that's why the conflict within you is so intense. It's impossible to separate the self from everything else. Even if you managed to do it, what would be left of you?
And do you have a solid grasp on concepts like good vs. evil, justice vs. injustice, morality, and so on? Or is that where you're getting stuck? I assume it's the latter, given that you've spent the last three months rejecting everything else.

Nicholas Gomez27 said:That whole concept was basically invented just so people could make others feel like crap.

It’s a miserable feeling when I just completely screw myself over—that specific brand of misery where nobody else is at fault, and honestly, I can't even point a finger at myself either...

In those moments, I just snap. I want to lash out, bite, tear things apart.
I end up feeling frustrated in about ≈ 2.356194490192344928846982537459627163147877049531
(hint: three major US corporations)

I agree.

According to Freud, guilt and that sense of culpability stem from an oversized superego. You probably had a mother who was way too strict, someone who mostly criticized or punished you rather than offering what a parent should actually provide—which is unconditional love.

We basically end up sabotaging ourselves.

Nobody ever became a "better" person because of excessive guilt; instead, people just become neurotic or alcoholics. You can never satisfy a strict mother, no matter how hard you try.

Once we grow up, we have to learn how to fix this. It’s like unlearning bad parenting. We need to realize that human beings aren't perfect, which means neither are we. We have to learn to forgive our own mistakes and set realistic goals. If your mom wanted to be a Nobel Prize winner or a star athlete, but her life got derailed by having you—well, that should stay her problem, not yours.

stormyheron20 said:Bingo.

Any advice? Recommendations? Experience? A solution to the problem?

No.
But I should add that we're in the same boat—my guilt stems from the fact that I haven't solved the problem. Because I simply don't know how.
Your "self" is composed of your fears, your beliefs (or lack thereof), your upbringing... that's why the conflict within you is so intense. It's impossible to separate the self from everything else. Even if you managed to do it, what would be left of you?
And do you have a solid grasp on concepts like good vs. evil, justice vs. injustice, morality, and so on? Or is that where you're getting stuck? I assume it's the latter, given that you've spent the last three months rejecting everything else.

No. You aren't your fears or how you were raised... you are you. You're that inner being that actually lives and loves. The fears and the guilt are just things that stop that being from living and growing naturally.

stormyheron20 said:Bingo.

Any advice? Recommendations? Experience? A solution to the problem?

No.
But I should add that we're in the same boat—my guilt stems from the fact that I haven't solved the problem. Because I simply don't know how.
Your "self" is composed of your fears, your beliefs (or lack thereof), your upbringing... that's why the conflict within you is so intense. It's impossible to separate the self from everything else. Even if you managed to do it, what would be left of you?
And do you have a solid grasp on concepts like good vs. evil, justice vs. injustice, morality, and so on? Or is that where you're getting stuck? I assume it's the latter, given that you've spent the last three months rejecting everything else.

hmmm... yeah, I can reflect on my "self" pretty well, but I can't dwell on it too much, otherwise I'll end up having a total meltdown... 😁

I understand good and evil, right and wrong, morality and immorality, all that stuff... so well that I'm honestly just hypersensitive to it. If I do something I consider unfair to someone else, I just can't forgive myself. My conscience won't let me. It takes up so much headspace that it's always there. I don't need to think about it intensely, but I know it'll pop up at some point during the day... as silly as that sounds, I think it does.😁

Today I read this beautiful sentence: "we feel guilt
only in relation to the moral standards we have sincerely embraced"
And now I'm thinking... maybe I messed up a standard I actually hold dear. Take lying, for example. I hate it with a passion, though I have lied a few times in my life. But there was this one time where the lie came from deep within me... and even though it was three years ago, I still regret it. I think about it at least once a week because I react to other things that trigger that same sense of guilt. It's crazy.
So I'm sitting here thinking: my moral code is honesty, yet I lied, and that's why I feel the guilt...
Now there's the first solution: I could follow the crowd and😁 adopt a moral standard based on lying, which would technically work as a blueprint for solving all my problems... but my personality just won't allow it. Even though I see everyone around me functioning perfectly fine under that system...
The second solution is to get rid of that feeling to a healthy degree—so it doesn't weigh me down every single day. But I haven't found a way to do that yet.
When I do something "x," I can't find some "y" to make me feel better or offset the mistake. My focus stays entirely on "x," and then the guilt kicks in...

As for the last three months... honestly, I've been struggling my whole life.😁😁😁 Not even exaggerating. But I'm used to it, so I don't pay it too much mind anymore. Instead, I focus on how to solve the problems in front of me. But truthfully, life would be a lot easier if I didn't feel this level of guilt so intensely...

Jerry Martinez5 said:No. You aren't your fears or how you were raised... you are you. You're that inner being that actually lives and loves. The fears and the guilt are just things that stop that being from living and growing naturally.

... or so they say. 😬

Self-indulgence—that’s just the inner child at work, if you ask me. Or perhaps our true nature. Quincy argues that we need to satisfy those impulses ourselves rather than letting them define us. Don't identify with your fears, your cravings, or your depression...

Jesse Peterson5 said:hmmm... yeah, I can reflect on my "self" pretty well, but I can't dwell on it too much, otherwise I'll end up having a total meltdown... 😁

I understand good and evil, right and wrong, morality and immorality, all that stuff... so well that I'm honestly just hypersensitive to it. If I do something I consider unfair to someone else, I just can't forgive myself. My conscience won't let me. It takes up so much headspace that it's always there. I don't need to think about it intensely, but I know it'll pop up at some point during the day... as silly as that sounds, I think it does.😁

Today I read this beautiful sentence: "we feel guilt
only in relation to the moral standards we have sincerely embraced"
And now I'm thinking... maybe I messed up a standard I actually hold dear. Take lying, for example. I hate it with a passion, though I have lied a few times in my life. But there was this one time where the lie came from deep within me... and even though it was three years ago, I still regret it. I think about it at least once a week because I react to other things that trigger that same sense of guilt. It's crazy.
So I'm sitting here thinking: my moral code is honesty, yet I lied, and that's why I feel the guilt...
Now there's the first solution: I could follow the crowd and😁 adopt a moral standard based on lying, which would technically work as a blueprint for solving all my problems... but my personality just won't allow it. Even though I see everyone around me functioning perfectly fine under that system...
The second solution is to get rid of that feeling to a healthy degree—so it doesn't weigh me down every single day. But I haven't found a way to do that yet.
When I do something "x," I can't find some "y" to make me feel better or offset the mistake. My focus stays entirely on "x," and then the guilt kicks in...

As for the last three months... honestly, I've been struggling my whole life.😁😁😁 Not even exaggerating. But I'm used to it, so I don't pay it too much mind anymore. Instead, I focus on how to solve the problems in front of me. But truthfully, life would be a lot easier if I didn't feel this level of guilt so intensely...

Let me try to tackle this from my own perspective and based on what I've lived through. For me, it feels like my conscience was always tied directly to this heavy sense of unfulfilled expectations. I’m a bit of a perfectionist by nature, so I tend to give everything my absolute all—or at least, I try to. I’m constantly second-guessing myself, hunting for mistakes just so I can fix them, and I always carry this nagging feeling that I could be doing more or doing better. When you operate like that, people around you start to take it for granted; they assume your high standard is just the baseline. But eventually, we all slip up, or maybe we just decide we want to head in a different direction. Usually, when you don't meet those unspoken expectations, you're met with resentment or pressure from the very people you were trying to impress. That triggers a wave of guilt and dissatisfaction. And if you ever try to stand your ground again, that past experience of "rebelling" makes the guilt feel even heavier.

It was even more intense for me because I’m a bit of a rebel at heart. I find it nearly impossible to just accept a situation that feels wrong, yet at the same time, I have this deep-seated need to please everyone around me and avoid hurting anyone. This creates these massive internal conflicts, and that's exactly where the guilt creeps in. It ends up completely draining any sense of happiness or satisfaction I should be feeling from actually doing what I wanted to do.

I quoted your sentence because I think it serves as a perfect starting point. You have to begin building your own "moral compass"—one that actually reflects who you are, your values, and your realizations. 🙂It's easy to say, but incredibly hard to pull off. I'm nearing 30, and I can finally say I've somewhat navigated this issue (though I doubt it's ever truly "finished"). It has been grueling, exhausting, and mentally taxing... lots of overthinking, anxiety, and hundreds of tiny battles with myself. And I have a very strong, stubborn personality. I can't imagine how much harder it must be for someone with less willpower. 🙂

I started looking at it this way: life is short, and it's already difficult enough as it is. There's no reason to make it even harder on myself. Plus, between bad luck and dealing with certain people, 😁...I'd at least like to grant myself a little peace of mind. 🙂 Then there was the lesson we all learned back in elementary school: you can't please everyone, and honestly, that isn't a tragedy. Third, the world isn't going to end if we make a mistake; most things can be fixed.

One more vital thing:

- If someone expects you to act against your own nature and betray who you are, they are being selfish and inconsiderate. You shouldn't let them trigger your conscience.

Good luck. Constant self-work and a genuine will to change actually pay off. 👍

Jesse Peterson5 said:So, I’ve been scrolling through some threads on the forum and now I'm stuck thinking about how guilt just hangs over me... It feels suppressed, but it’s always there. Even after I fixed my mistakes as much as I possibly could, I still haven't shaken this feeling...

I used to deal with some pretty heavy depression, and while that long stretch is finally over, I can't seem to wash away this sense of guilt and regret. Even though I don't dwell on the specific things I regret, I still find myself triggered by some random memory at least once a day that brings it all back... It's like I can't function without it. Honestly, it doesn't feel normal, and I have no clue how to move past it...

Thinking about it now... I'm sure everyone deals with guilt or regret at some point. But my impression is that "normal" people feel it, bury it deep inside, and then move on because they don't need to keep revisiting it. For some reason, I feel obligated to remember. It's not like I enjoy it, but maybe it's just become a habit. If I'm not actively overthinking it, it just bubbles up subconsciously while I'm walking or doing something else...

What do you do to get rid of this feeling? I don't know if it's normal to carry this around for old mistakes, or if I should be able to function like everyone else and let those feelings go when the time comes...

Hopefully, I'm making sense here. This isn't just about one single thing that makes me regretful—it's more general than that. There's a whole mountain of stuff, unfortunately... haha😁😁 Is it just my self-critical nature? I'm the type of person who sits and overanalyzes everything until I find a solution. Part of me thinks (maybe I'm wrong) that if I stopped constantly feeling this guilt and regret over the past, I might actually function better as a person. You wouldn't notice anything on the surface, but I feel it deep down...🙂

Any advice? Recommendations? Personal experiences? A way out? 😁

You deal with guilt by repenting for a specific action or mistake and trying to fix it, if fixing it is even possible.

But honestly, I wouldn't say your issue is actually guilt. It sounds more like a sense of shame and an inability to forgive yourself. That's a massive difference. Real regret sets you free, but shame and refusing to forgive yourself just traps you and messes with your head.

And when it comes to being self-critical, you have to be careful not to fall into scrupulosity or total moralism.

stormyheron4 said:You deal with guilt by repenting for a specific action or mistake and trying to fix it, if fixing it is even possible.

But honestly, I wouldn't say your issue is actually guilt. It sounds more like a sense of shame and an inability to forgive yourself. That's a massive difference. Real regret sets you free, but shame and refusing to forgive yourself just traps you and messes with your head.

And when it comes to being self-critical, you have to be careful not to fall into scrupulosity or total moralism.

Look, it’s not just about guilt or refusing to forgive yourself at some therapy center... I mean, yeah, that’s part of it. They’re basically designed to trigger that guilt trip—that feeling of "I can't live with the mistakes I made." I won't deny that. But the thing is, I hold myself to the same standard I'd expect from everyone else. If someone screws me over, I don't dwell on it. I’m pretty laid back; I don't waste energy getting worked up over people with bad personalities. I just draw a line and distance myself.
If I go against my own principles, I spiral. It’s not just a minor slip—I get hit with this heavy wave of disappointment and depression because my personality just can't handle being a hypocrite. If I demand certain standards from people, I have to live by them too. Usually, I make things right. I step up and fix the mess. But even when I do, that nagging guilt doesn't just vanish. I repent, sure, and maybe making amends takes some of the weight off, making me feel a little lighter than before, but it’s never enough. It’s never quite "fixed." I don't know how else to put it: just because I recognized a mistake and corrected it doesn't mean the guilt disappears. I saw what I did was wrong, I dealt with it, but the fallout lingers. That guilt stays with me on two levels: first, as a constant question of why I betrayed my own values, and second, because honestly? I just struggle to forgive myself for being human.

copperfox22 said:Let me try to tackle this from my own perspective and based on what I've lived through. For me, it feels like my conscience was always tied directly to this heavy sense of unfulfilled expectations. I’m a bit of a perfectionist by nature, so I tend to give everything my absolute all—or at least, I try to. I’m constantly second-guessing myself, hunting for mistakes just so I can fix them, and I always carry this nagging feeling that I could be doing more or doing better. When you operate like that, people around you start to take it for granted; they assume your high standard is just the baseline. But eventually, we all slip up, or maybe we just decide we want to head in a different direction. Usually, when you don't meet those unspoken expectations, you're met with resentment or pressure from the very people you were trying to impress. That triggers a wave of guilt and dissatisfaction. And if you ever try to stand your ground again, that past experience of "rebelling" makes the guilt feel even heavier.

It was even more intense for me because I’m a bit of a rebel at heart. I find it nearly impossible to just accept a situation that feels wrong, yet at the same time, I have this deep-seated need to please everyone around me and avoid hurting anyone. This creates these massive internal conflicts, and that's exactly where the guilt creeps in. It ends up completely draining any sense of happiness or satisfaction I should be feeling from actually doing what I wanted to do.

I quoted your sentence because I think it serves as a perfect starting point. You have to begin building your own "moral compass"—one that actually reflects who you are, your values, and your realizations. 🙂It's easy to say, but incredibly hard to pull off. I'm nearing 30, and I can finally say I've somewhat navigated this issue (though I doubt it's ever truly "finished"). It has been grueling, exhausting, and mentally taxing... lots of overthinking, anxiety, and hundreds of tiny battles with myself. And I have a very strong, stubborn personality. I can't imagine how much harder it must be for someone with less willpower. 🙂

I started looking at it this way: life is short, and it's already difficult enough as it is. There's no reason to make it even harder on myself. Plus, between bad luck and dealing with certain people, 😁...I'd at least like to grant myself a little peace of mind. 🙂 Then there was the lesson we all learned back in elementary school: you can't please everyone, and honestly, that isn't a tragedy. Third, the world isn't going to end if we make a mistake; most things can be fixed.

One more vital thing:

- If someone expects you to act against your own nature and betray who you are, they are being selfish and inconsiderate. You shouldn't let them trigger your conscience.

Good luck. Constant self-work and a genuine will to change actually pay off. 👍

As for me, here's a quick profile...😁 😁 I tend to be a bit rebellious. Not in a negative way, but exactly like you described. To be honest, I rarely feel "happy." I'm naturally a smiley person, but it's hard to tell what's actually going on inside because I don't want my face to give anything away—so I just smile. A close friend once asked me, "Are you ever actually happy? What makes you happy?" and the worst part was, I didn't have an answer. I just don't feel it. Happiness feels too fleeting for me to dwell on; I'm usually too busy finishing tasks according to my own principles and meeting my own standards (and I don't mean stepping on people to get there 😁). But man, I feel guilt. A lot. The hardest part is looking around and seeing people I care about acting completely normal while I'm struggling. Since they're close to me, I can't just ignore it or cut them off. That's the downside of this 🤣: I don't want them to feel guilty, but it's like they have zero awareness of their impact. It's hard to explain, but it really wears me down. Sometimes I live with that guilt as a habit, and other times, because I'm a chronic overthinker, I start spiraling and it gets even worse. That's why I hesitated to start this thread. I knew once I started talking about it, I'd have to start thinking about it seriously 😁

Jesse Peterson5 said:Look, it’s not just about guilt or refusing to forgive yourself at some therapy center... I mean, yeah, that’s part of it. They’re basically designed to trigger that guilt trip—that feeling of "I can't live with the mistakes I made." I won't deny that. But the thing is, I hold myself to the same standard I'd expect from everyone else. If someone screws me over, I don't dwell on it. I’m pretty laid back; I don't waste energy getting worked up over people with bad personalities. I just draw a line and distance myself.
If I go against my own principles, I spiral. It’s not just a minor slip—I get hit with this heavy wave of disappointment and depression because my personality just can't handle being a hypocrite. If I demand certain standards from people, I have to live by them too. Usually, I make things right. I step up and fix the mess. But even when I do, that nagging guilt doesn't just vanish. I repent, sure, and maybe making amends takes some of the weight off, making me feel a little lighter than before, but it’s never enough. It’s never quite "fixed." I don't know how else to put it: just because I recognized a mistake and corrected it doesn't mean the guilt disappears. I saw what I did was wrong, I dealt with it, but the fallout lingers. That guilt stays with me on two levels: first, as a constant question of why I betrayed my own values, and second, because honestly? I just struggle to forgive myself for being human.

As for me, here's a quick profile...😁 😁 I tend to be a bit rebellious. Not in a negative way, but exactly like you described. To be honest, I rarely feel "happy." I'm naturally a smiley person, but it's hard to tell what's actually going on inside because I don't want my face to give anything away—so I just smile. A close friend once asked me, "Are you ever actually happy? What makes you happy?" and the worst part was, I didn't have an answer. I just don't feel it. Happiness feels too fleeting for me to dwell on; I'm usually too busy finishing tasks according to my own principles and meeting my own standards (and I don't mean stepping on people to get there 😁). But man, I feel guilt. A lot. The hardest part is looking around and seeing people I care about acting completely normal while I'm struggling. Since they're close to me, I can't just ignore it or cut them off. That's the downside of this 🤣: I don't want them to feel guilty, but it's like they have zero awareness of their impact. It's hard to explain, but it really wears me down. Sometimes I live with that guilt as a habit, and other times, because I'm a chronic overthinker, I start spiraling and it gets even worse. That's why I hesitated to start this thread. I knew once I started talking about it, I'd have to start thinking about it seriously 😁

But let's be honest, nothing ever just falls into your lap. 😁

Sigh...😍 🙂
Here we go again—another perfectionist drowning in guilt because the rest of the world doesn't fit her specific, rigid mold. Or rather, she fails to meet her own standards—though she’d never admit to having any—and to avoid showing actual anger (God forbid she displays a real emotion; that would shatter the illusion of her own flawless composure), she’d much rather retreat into a corner with a faint, patronizing smile and a heavy dose of self-reproach—unconsciously playing the part of the quiet, composed aristocrat...
So, Jesse Peterson5, what is it you're actually afraid of? What's scarier than this pointless self-flagellation?😢
Because let's be honest: guilt is one of the most useless emotions a person can harbor. It achieves nothing beyond self-destruction—which, believe me, is never pretty—and it solves absolutely nothing. If anything, it just keeps you spinning in circles. Feeling guilty won't fix things, and it certainly won't change people. They’ll stay exactly the same, whether you’re feeling guilty or not—get it?
And really, why is expressing an emotion so terrifying to you? What are you hiding from?😢
This whole perfectionism thing is just a mask worn by people who haven't made peace with themselves—and by extension, don't love themselves. Since they lack a sense of their own worth, they hunt for external validation... but satisfying everyone else is an impossible task. You have to be perfect to do it!😳
The roots of all this usually go back to how we perceived our surroundings growing up...😢
In general, guilt is merely a symptom. You need to find the cause. What you described is just stirring up the silt at the bottom of the pond—it makes the water murky. Finding the actual source isn't pleasant; it's exhausting. It requires courage and willpower... but it's worth every bit of effort.🙂

👋

wiredmoose3 said:Sigh...😍 🙂
Here we go again—another perfectionist drowning in guilt because the rest of the world doesn't fit her specific, rigid mold. Or rather, she fails to meet her own standards—though she’d never admit to having any—and to avoid showing actual anger (God forbid she displays a real emotion; that would shatter the illusion of her own flawless composure), she’d much rather retreat into a corner with a faint, patronizing smile and a heavy dose of self-reproach—unconsciously playing the part of the quiet, composed aristocrat...
So, Jesse Peterson5, what is it you're actually afraid of? What's scarier than this pointless self-flagellation?😢
Because let's be honest: guilt is one of the most useless emotions a person can harbor. It achieves nothing beyond self-destruction—which, believe me, is never pretty—and it solves absolutely nothing. If anything, it just keeps you spinning in circles. Feeling guilty won't fix things, and it certainly won't change people. They’ll stay exactly the same, whether you’re feeling guilty or not—get it?
And really, why is expressing an emotion so terrifying to you? What are you hiding from?😢
This whole perfectionism thing is just a mask worn by people who haven't made peace with themselves—and by extension, don't love themselves. Since they lack a sense of their own worth, they hunt for external validation... but satisfying everyone else is an impossible task. You have to be perfect to do it!😳
The roots of all this usually go back to how we perceived our surroundings growing up...😢
In general, guilt is merely a symptom. You need to find the cause. What you described is just stirring up the silt at the bottom of the pond—it makes the water murky. Finding the actual source isn't pleasant; it's exhausting. It requires courage and willpower... but it's worth every bit of effort.🙂

👋

I’m not quite the perfectionist you’re making me out to be. If I actually were, I wouldn't be crawling to people on a forum for advice; I’d already have the whole thing mapped out in my head, demanding everything look exactly how I envisioned it. Plus, if I were that intense, I probably wouldn't view everyone else as perfect beings like you do—but I don't see it that way. I guess I am a perfectionist in the sense that I hold myself to high standards. I know what I'm capable of, so it messes with my head when I don't hit the mark or even give it a real shot. Honestly, I think most of us should react that way. Missing out on things because we're afraid to try, or lowering our standards just to play it safe—or worse, convincing ourselves we aren't good enough—doesn't seem healthy to me. To me, that’s a much bigger issue than my version of "perfectionism."🙂

I don't feel guilty just because the world doesn't bend to my will or meet my expectations. I only feel bad if I fail to live up to my own principles—but that doesn't give me any right to demand everyone else follows them too. We all have our own set of rules, whatever they may be. Honestly, the worst thing you can do is claim "I think exactly like you," because let's face it: that's impossible.

I know what I expect from myself, and honestly, sometimes I just fall short. I’ll feel down for a couple of days, but then I get back to work on it. I deal with guilt regarding my actions, but there's a distinction there—my expectations are strictly about me, whereas my actions involve other people. Failing myself isn't the same thing as letting down someone I actually care about. It's easier to let myself down because I know I can pull myself together and fix it. But disappointing someone else? That’s different. No matter what you do, you can't undo that. My guilt comes specifically from asking myself why I didn't step up when I had the chance, and that feeling stays with you.

4. My emotions—I rarely show them because I think it’s just plain crazy to start screaming at someone just to prove a point like, "Hey, look, I'm pissed off." 😁😁 It doesn't make sense to me—just because I don't act a certain way doesn't mean I'm not feeling anything. If I'm happy, I’ll show it. If I'm pissed off, I’ll just laugh in their face until they walk away. If I'm confused, I'll just say, "Yeah, I'm lost." I still show emotion; I just do it on my own terms. 😉Sometimes I think I’m too impulsive with my emotions. Honestly, I can't stand crying in front of people. If I’m going to have a breakdown, I do it on my own. I don't see the point in dragging someone else down with my tears when, at the end of the day, I know I'll get over it and I'm not going to be sobbing for the rest of my life. It's not like I have some perfect image of myself to maintain. But I do push myself to meet the goals I set, mostly because I feel like I deserve them—especially if they're vital for my future. Personally, life wouldn't even feel worth living if I didn't have expectations to chase. That said, I refuse to step on anyone else to get what I want. I'll always find a way to hit my targets without trampling over people to get there.

5. My behavior hasn't been an attention grabber before because there’s just no point in it. What I feel, I feel for myself—not to put on a show for anyone else. I think everyone needs to sort their own feelings out internally before bringing them to others. Honestly, trying to get attention by acting out isn't worth the effort if what you're doing isn't actually meaningful.

6. I can handle most things right now, but I can't escape that gut-wrenching guilt that hits after I mess up and have to face the music. If someone hurts me, or if it's some trivial nonsense, I don't feel guilty. But if I violate a core moral principle I actually live by—especially if my actions cause someone else pain—that feeling is intense. In those moments, I just want the ground to swallow me up; it sticks with you. I try to make amends as best I can, but that weight stays because I feel like I let myself down.

7. To me, guilt isn't some useless emotion. If you do something wrong, you're supposed to feel it. Take a heavy example: if someone kills someone incredibly close to you, would you really care whether they felt guilty or not? 😕 The outcome is the same because your loss is still there, but you won't feel the same way inside. It's impossible. When you've done wrong and you repent, the person you hurt feels that weight (unless they're the type who thinks guilt is pointless), and seeing that remorse provides a sense of closure. People who don't feel guilt, in my view, just don't care about others. They act like it doesn't matter if they mess up or not since the end result remains the same anyway. 👎

8. My perfectionism isn't about meeting other people's expectations; it's strictly about how I hold myself. I've mentioned this before. Sure, if you set massive goals for yourself, it's hard for others to watch you fail, but that's not my issue. My issue is being too restrictive with myself. I still love and respect who I am, but I deal with daily guilt. It's hard to explain how that affects my self-love. It's probably because when I meet my goals, everything is fine, but when I have to fix a mistake, it leaves a "mark"... it's a bit complicated to put into words. 🤷

9. I'm looking for the root cause, too. Most of the time, I find it, and I try to work through it on my own. I'm keeping this discussion general, though, because listing every single mistake a person has ever made in their life would be a bit much. 🤣.

Jesse Peterson5 said:I’m not quite the perfectionist you’re making me out to be. If I actually were, I wouldn't be crawling to people on a forum for advice; I’d already have the whole thing mapped out in my head, demanding everything look exactly how I envisioned it. Plus, if I were that intense, I probably wouldn't view everyone else as perfect beings like you do—but I don't see it that way. I guess I am a perfectionist in the sense that I hold myself to high standards. I know what I'm capable of, so it messes with my head when I don't hit the mark or even give it a real shot. Honestly, I think most of us should react that way. Missing out on things because we're afraid to try, or lowering our standards just to play it safe—or worse, convincing ourselves we aren't good enough—doesn't seem healthy to me. To me, that’s a much bigger issue than my version of "perfectionism."🙂

I don't feel guilty just because the world doesn't bend to my will or meet my expectations. I only feel bad if I fail to live up to my own principles—but that doesn't give me any right to demand everyone else follows them too. We all have our own set of rules, whatever they may be. Honestly, the worst thing you can do is claim "I think exactly like you," because let's face it: that's impossible.

I know what I expect from myself, and honestly, sometimes I just fall short. I’ll feel down for a couple of days, but then I get back to work on it. I deal with guilt regarding my actions, but there's a distinction there—my expectations are strictly about me, whereas my actions involve other people. Failing myself isn't the same thing as letting down someone I actually care about. It's easier to let myself down because I know I can pull myself together and fix it. But disappointing someone else? That’s different. No matter what you do, you can't undo that. My guilt comes specifically from asking myself why I didn't step up when I had the chance, and that feeling stays with you.

4. My emotions—I rarely show them because I think it’s just plain crazy to start screaming at someone just to prove a point like, "Hey, look, I'm pissed off." 😁😁 It doesn't make sense to me—just because I don't act a certain way doesn't mean I'm not feeling anything. If I'm happy, I’ll show it. If I'm pissed off, I’ll just laugh in their face until they walk away. If I'm confused, I'll just say, "Yeah, I'm lost." I still show emotion; I just do it on my own terms. 😉Sometimes I think I’m too impulsive with my emotions. Honestly, I can't stand crying in front of people. If I’m going to have a breakdown, I do it on my own. I don't see the point in dragging someone else down with my tears when, at the end of the day, I know I'll get over it and I'm not going to be sobbing for the rest of my life. It's not like I have some perfect image of myself to maintain. But I do push myself to meet the goals I set, mostly because I feel like I deserve them—especially if they're vital for my future. Personally, life wouldn't even feel worth living if I didn't have expectations to chase. That said, I refuse to step on anyone else to get what I want. I'll always find a way to hit my targets without trampling over people to get there.

5. My behavior hasn't been an attention grabber before because there’s just no point in it. What I feel, I feel for myself—not to put on a show for anyone else. I think everyone needs to sort their own feelings out internally before bringing them to others. Honestly, trying to get attention by acting out isn't worth the effort if what you're doing isn't actually meaningful.

6. I can handle most things right now, but I can't escape that gut-wrenching guilt that hits after I mess up and have to face the music. If someone hurts me, or if it's some trivial nonsense, I don't feel guilty. But if I violate a core moral principle I actually live by—especially if my actions cause someone else pain—that feeling is intense. In those moments, I just want the ground to swallow me up; it sticks with you. I try to make amends as best I can, but that weight stays because I feel like I let myself down.

7. To me, guilt isn't some useless emotion. If you do something wrong, you're supposed to feel it. Take a heavy example: if someone kills someone incredibly close to you, would you really care whether they felt guilty or not? 😕 The outcome is the same because your loss is still there, but you won't feel the same way inside. It's impossible. When you've done wrong and you repent, the person you hurt feels that weight (unless they're the type who thinks guilt is pointless), and seeing that remorse provides a sense of closure. People who don't feel guilt, in my view, just don't care about others. They act like it doesn't matter if they mess up or not since the end result remains the same anyway. 👎

8. My perfectionism isn't about meeting other people's expectations; it's strictly about how I hold myself. I've mentioned this before. Sure, if you set massive goals for yourself, it's hard for others to watch you fail, but that's not my issue. My issue is being too restrictive with myself. I still love and respect who I am, but I deal with daily guilt. It's hard to explain how that affects my self-love. It's probably because when I meet my goals, everything is fine, but when I have to fix a mistake, it leaves a "mark"... it's a bit complicated to put into words. 🤷

9. I'm looking for the root cause, too. Most of the time, I find it, and I try to work through it on my own. I'm keeping this discussion general, though, because listing every single mistake a person has ever made in their life would be a bit much. 🤣.

First off, I hope you didn't take my previous post as a personal jab or an attack...😳
I have to admit, I didn't quite follow your logic—mostly because you're being incredibly contradictory without even realizing it. Look at the sentence I quoted... doesn't it seem wildly inconsistent? 🙂
I’m fairly certain you’ve fallen into the rationalization trap—it’s what people do, subconsciously, when facing emotions that are just too painful to touch. You think, and think, and think—approaching the issue from every possible angle until you find a solution—but damn it, you still don't feel better. Where’s the catch? You have to process the emotional component, too. You've buried it deep, deep down behind a wall labeled "I am thinking about this." It's invisible to you. As I mentioned before, the root of your struggle likely lies in the environment you grew up in and how you perceived it—you even brought up your mother having similar issues...
Don't get me wrong, reflection and analysis are great—up to a point. They lead us to the cause... and the cause is always emotional. Always. At that stage, you have to actually act—face the pain—and logic won't help you there...
You're fighting your battles, and credit to you for trying, but you're fighting on the wrong field. It’s draining your strength and keeping you in this loop—for years now, hasn't it? 😢
Your defense mechanisms are strong, even if you're trying to tear them down... do a little digging on the subject; there are some excellent articles out there.😉
And please, don't take my last post too literally. I'm analyzing your situation based solely on what you write—I don't know you, after all. But that doesn't mean I can't draw conclusions from what I read, especially since I have the luxury of emotional distance. To some people—and perhaps to you—I might have just written a pile of nonsense. Maybe I offended you or belittled you, but your forgiveness won't matter nearly as much to me as my own self-forgiveness😉... I'll be smarter next time. 😁

🙂🙂 nice post 🙂
No reason for me to feel awkward about what you said. It’s your opinion, and honestly, there’s some truth in it—some solid advice on how to build yourself up...
Look, I’m a rational person and I try to stay that way. I used to be completely different, and I realized that just doesn't work. Sometimes I hit that sweet spot where my emotions and logic balance out, but mostly I just try to cut the emotions out entirely so I can stay objective. Deep down, I know being this clinical isn't necessarily "healthy," but it works for me right now—even if I probably only brought this up because of my emotional side in the first place.
I get what you’re getting at... I’ve spent years circling around trying to pin down the core issue and fix it. I don't always have that subconscious intuition to know exactly what's wrong, but when I do, I don't want to mess around with it; I just want to solve it. But it's always the same 🙄 either I try to forget it, which I can't really do because of the guilt, or I overthink it until I'm exhausted... that's just how I am..
As for those restrictive measures... I was mainly talking about that sense of guilt
Yeah... I know I can sound contradictory, but I guess that happens when you're trying to put words to something that's just incredibly hard to explain...🙂

Jesse Peterson5 said:So, I’ve been scrolling through some threads on the forum and now I'm stuck thinking about how guilt just hangs over me... It feels suppressed, but it’s always there. Even after I fixed my mistakes as much as I possibly could, I still haven't shaken this feeling...

I used to deal with some pretty heavy depression, and while that long stretch is finally over, I can't seem to wash away this sense of guilt and regret. Even though I don't dwell on the specific things I regret, I still find myself triggered by some random memory at least once a day that brings it all back... It's like I can't function without it. Honestly, it doesn't feel normal, and I have no clue how to move past it...

Thinking about it now... I'm sure everyone deals with guilt or regret at some point. But my impression is that "normal" people feel it, bury it deep inside, and then move on because they don't need to keep revisiting it. For some reason, I feel obligated to remember. It's not like I enjoy it, but maybe it's just become a habit. If I'm not actively overthinking it, it just bubbles up subconsciously while I'm walking or doing something else...

What do you do to get rid of this feeling? I don't know if it's normal to carry this around for old mistakes, or if I should be able to function like everyone else and let those feelings go when the time comes...

Hopefully, I'm making sense here. This isn't just about one single thing that makes me regretful—it's more general than that. There's a whole mountain of stuff, unfortunately... haha😁😁 Is it just my self-critical nature? I'm the type of person who sits and overanalyzes everything until I find a solution. Part of me thinks (maybe I'm wrong) that if I stopped constantly feeling this guilt and regret over the past, I might actually function better as a person. You wouldn't notice anything on the surface, but I feel it deep down...🙂

Any advice? Recommendations? Personal experiences? A way out? 😁

I think you’re definitely overthinking it. Constantly living with that weight of guilt and a nagging conscience isn't healthy for anyone. There are much better ways to spend your headspace than just beating yourself up.