How mindful are you of the world around you?

I’m curious to see how much consideration people actually show to those around them.
The reason this is on my mind is because I’ve spent basically my entire life in conflict with three specific people, mostly due to their total lack of awareness for anyone else—not just me, but everyone.

First, there's my brother. He basically steamrolls over everything and everyone without a second thought. He thinks he's entitled to snap at anyone who gets in his way, but God forbid anyone looks at him the wrong way. His life is sacred; nobody is allowed to comment on it, even if it's something positive.

Then there's my boyfriend. His job drains him mentally to an almost absurd degree. Even my mom, who’s a surgeon, wasn't as physically or mentally exhausted after her toughest surgeries in 25 years of practice.
I don't have a single legitimate excuse for being late or missing a deadline, yet he’s almost always running behind and can't stick to a plan to save his life—and it's not just with me. It’s happened a hundred times where he’s just lying at my place, napping, totally forgetting about a meeting, and then I hear him on the phone lying through his teeth, claiming he's already driving there. But of course, he feels entitled to criticize everyone and pick fights with anyone.

And finally, my friend. She wouldn't lift a finger for anyone. She’ll go out of her way to stir up drama just to shut me down, but if I do something without consulting her first, she stays mad for three days. I've realized she lives for the manipulation, but honestly, I'm just tired of playing along.

Look, I'm a pretty good person... blah blah blah, but I truly cannot wrap my head around how someone can be so oblivious that it starts feeling like actual masochism.

So, let's see how many toxic people are hanging out on this forum.

I’d like to think I’m a pretty tolerant person! I always try to step into someone else's shoes and keep from judging them. My whole motto is basically just treating people the way I want to be treated. I'm never late for meetings, either—honestly, the only thing that really gets under my skin is when other people show up late. I don't feel like it's my job to judge anyone else.
The people you're talking about? I bet one of these days it'll finally click for them. They'll realize that if they keep acting this way, society won't accept them, and they'll end up totally alone without a single friend left.
Anyway, that's just how I see things...😛

coppermason said:I’m curious to see how much consideration people actually show to those around them.
The reason this is on my mind is because I’ve spent basically my entire life in conflict with three specific people, mostly due to their total lack of awareness for anyone else—not just me, but everyone.

First, there's my brother. He basically steamrolls over everything and everyone without a second thought. He thinks he's entitled to snap at anyone who gets in his way, but God forbid anyone looks at him the wrong way. His life is sacred; nobody is allowed to comment on it, even if it's something positive.

Then there's my boyfriend. His job drains him mentally to an almost absurd degree. Even my mom, who’s a surgeon, wasn't as physically or mentally exhausted after her toughest surgeries in 25 years of practice.
I don't have a single legitimate excuse for being late or missing a deadline, yet he’s almost always running behind and can't stick to a plan to save his life—and it's not just with me. It’s happened a hundred times where he’s just lying at my place, napping, totally forgetting about a meeting, and then I hear him on the phone lying through his teeth, claiming he's already driving there. But of course, he feels entitled to criticize everyone and pick fights with anyone.

And finally, my friend. She wouldn't lift a finger for anyone. She’ll go out of her way to stir up drama just to shut me down, but if I do something without consulting her first, she stays mad for three days. I've realized she lives for the manipulation, but honestly, I'm just tired of playing along.

Look, I'm a pretty good person... blah blah blah, but I truly cannot wrap my head around how someone can be so oblivious that it starts feeling like actual masochism.

So, let's see how many toxic people are hanging out on this forum.

Masochism is when you let people walk all over you. Did you check out the thread about salaries on Lonely Hearts? I think you'd find it useful.

You aren't being considerate toward your boyfriend or your friend. Why would you even call someone a friend if they "wouldn't lift a finger for anyone"? Haven't you heard that friends are the people who actually love you and are happy to help?

Maybe you care about them, but that doesn't make you a considerate or good person—it just means you're letting those close to you treat you like a doormat. In other words: masochism. A total lack of self-respect, etc. 😢

It's nice to be considerate and mindful of other people's opinions and needs. But if you do that while ignoring your own needs and letting others trample you, that's bad. It would be healthier to just tell them to fuck off and find people who will actually treat you well. Let them go look for new victims to humiliate with their lateness, canceled plans, and drama...

bluefalcon122 said:I’d like to think I’m a pretty tolerant person! I always try to step into someone else's shoes and keep from judging them. My whole motto is basically just treating people the way I want to be treated. I'm never late for meetings, either—honestly, the only thing that really gets under my skin is when other people show up late. I don't feel like it's my job to judge anyone else.
The people you're talking about? I bet one of these days it'll finally click for them. They'll realize that if they keep acting this way, society won't accept them, and they'll end up totally alone without a single friend left.
Anyway, that's just how I see things...😛

I'm on the same page and I try to live by that, but we're talking about people here. These guys in their thirties... seriously, if it hasn't hit them by now, when the hell will it?🤷

coppermason said:I'm on the same page and I try to live by that, but we're talking about people here. These guys in their thirties... seriously, if it hasn't hit them by now, when the hell will it?🤷

Why would your boyfriend change his behavior if you just sit there and tolerate it? I guess it doesn't make much sense. Maybe he won't.

Some people just never change. I guess once you finally unlock the door and walk away, they just find someone even more pathetic to tolerate their constant lateness, neglect, and disrespect. Maybe that’s just how it goes.

Quentin Tarantino

Jerry Martinez5 said:Masochism is when you let people walk all over you. Did you check out the thread about salaries on Lonely Hearts? I think you'd find it useful.

You aren't being considerate toward your boyfriend or your friend. Why would you even call someone a friend if they "wouldn't lift a finger for anyone"? Haven't you heard that friends are the people who actually love you and are happy to help?

Maybe you care about them, but that doesn't make you a considerate or good person—it just means you're letting those close to you treat you like a doormat. In other words: masochism. A total lack of self-respect, etc. 😢

It's nice to be considerate and mindful of other people's opinions and needs. But if you do that while ignoring your own needs and letting others trample you, that's bad. It would be healthier to just tell them to fuck off and find people who will actually treat you well. Let them go look for new victims to humiliate with their lateness, canceled plans, and drama...

Quentin Tarantino

Jerry Martinez5 said:Why would your boyfriend change his behavior if you just sit there and tolerate it? I guess it doesn't make much sense. Maybe he won't.

Some people just never change. I guess once you finally unlock the door and walk away, they just find someone even more pathetic to tolerate their constant lateness, neglect, and disrespect. Maybe that’s just how it goes.

It’s pretty obvious to me that people are only going to treat you the way you let them. And let's just say, if we're being honest, I’m usually the last person to set any kind of boundary.Total garbage.I don't know what the term is for this phenomenon, but I honestly can't wrap my head around why people act this way. It’s not just me, either—I only brought them up because I actually know them, but they treat everyone with that same level of disrespect. They tend to run into similar types over and over again, too. Depending on the person, they either cut them off entirely or just let the relationship fizzle out into nothing, and those rare few who actually stay close usually end up in constant conflict. So, I'm genuinely curious if anyone here knows what drives someone to be that incredibly tactless. Like, seriously, why?

I tend to be so considerate of others that, honestly, it sometimes leaves me feeling pretty drained and down on myself.

coppermason said:Quentin Tarantino

Quentin Tarantino

It’s pretty obvious to me that people are only going to treat you the way you let them. And let's just say, if we're being honest, I’m usually the last person to set any kind of boundary.Total garbage.I don't know what the term is for this phenomenon, but I honestly can't wrap my head around why people act this way. It’s not just me, either—I only brought them up because I actually know them, but they treat everyone with that same level of disrespect. They tend to run into similar types over and over again, too. Depending on the person, they either cut them off entirely or just let the relationship fizzle out into nothing, and those rare few who actually stay close usually end up in constant conflict. So, I'm genuinely curious if anyone here knows what drives someone to be that incredibly tactless. Like, seriously, why?

Let's just breeze through the "-isms"—you know, narcissism, egoism, sadism... then we'll toss in a little lack of empathy, zero self-respect, a total absence of healthy self-love... throw in some psychological compensations, projections, and deep-seated frustrations... give it all a good shake, subtract a little here and add a little there... and—voila!
😁😍

coppermason said:Quentin Tarantino

Quentin Tarantino

It’s pretty obvious to me that people are only going to treat you the way you let them. And let's just say, if we're being honest, I’m usually the last person to set any kind of boundary.Total garbage.I don't know what the term is for this phenomenon, but I honestly can't wrap my head around why people act this way. It’s not just me, either—I only brought them up because I actually know them, but they treat everyone with that same level of disrespect. They tend to run into similar types over and over again, too. Depending on the person, they either cut them off entirely or just let the relationship fizzle out into nothing, and those rare few who actually stay close usually end up in constant conflict. So, I'm genuinely curious if anyone here knows what drives someone to be that incredibly tactless. Like, seriously, why?

- because his inner circle lets him get away with it
- because he doesn't know any better
- because that's how he was raised; that's how his family treated him
- he has zero self-respect, so obviously he won't respect others either
- honestly, he's just miserable, because happy people don't go around hurting others

The real answer—why a specific person acts that way—probably needs a professional. You aren't going to find it based on a few posts on an internet forum.

If your boyfriend realizes there's a problem and starts therapy, he might change (it'll take time, maybe a year or two). If he doesn't, and he probably won't, your only real option is to break up with him. Or just endure it. You'll likely choose the latter, though, since it isn't just him bothering you, but your friend too. Plus, you were probably raised to think it's normal to be mistreated, that you should be "considerate" instead of standing up for yourself.😢

Jerry Martinez5 said:- because his inner circle lets him get away with it
- because he doesn't know any better
- because that's how he was raised; that's how his family treated him
- he has zero self-respect, so obviously he won't respect others either
- honestly, he's just miserable, because happy people don't go around hurting others

The real answer—why a specific person acts that way—probably needs a professional. You aren't going to find it based on a few posts on an internet forum.

If your boyfriend realizes there's a problem and starts therapy, he might change (it'll take time, maybe a year or two). If he doesn't, and he probably won't, your only real option is to break up with him. Or just endure it. You'll likely choose the latter, though, since it isn't just him bothering you, but your friend too. Plus, you were probably raised to think it's normal to be mistreated, that you should be "considerate" instead of standing up for yourself.😢

I know exactly why my specific cases act the way they do.
My brother, for instance, is like this because ever since he was born, being the first and only boy among three kids, he was basically coddled to death. It wasn't that he wasn't loved; it was just too much love and way too much tolerance. Then life gave him a reality check, so he ended up with a girlfriend who basically runs his life and does all his thinking for him. It makes total sense that he’d vent his frustrations on whoever is closest. As for the guy, I won't say anything derogatory about his background, but if he hadn't had the mother he needed, combined with the crowd he chose later on—people who are just as arrogant and rude to one another—it explains a lot. Same goes for my friend; she's going through a phase because of some past trauma.
I wouldn't say they're "bullying" me, because then I'd sound like a pushover, and that's not it. I intentionally mentioned in my opening post that I'm a tolerant person and blah blah blah, just so I didn't come off like I think I'm perfect. I work with small children, so I probably have a professional bias where I don't take every little cry, whine, or tantrum too personally. Instead, I try to handle things with a conversation or by distracting them, whether it's with kids or adults. And look, I love and respect all three of them unconditionally, and they respect me too—that's proven. Honestly, I'm just sharing this to get it off my chest and show what it looks like from my perspective.
It’s clear to me that we all have our outlets; in a way, they are mine. I get why they filter things this way; I see that they do it because they're weak and pathetic. But what I don't get is why a person feels no need to help themselves or pull themselves together. Their way of "solving" problems actually just creates a whole new one, making things worse with their families and everyone else.

Regarding psychiatric help, with all due respect to the doctors here in the States, I don't think a psychiatrist can provide the kind of help he actually needs. I'm basically acting as his therapist without the antidepressants or the nonsense a doctor would prescribe just to send him home... but that's a whole different topic.

rowdyotter65 said:I tend to be so considerate of others that, honestly, it sometimes leaves me feeling pretty drained and down on myself.

I mean, I could say the same thing about myself, but honestly, when I see the payoff for all my patience, let's call it that, it gives me enough fuel to keep going.😉
Every once in a while, people finally realize they're being jerks and we're actually the decent ones—it's like their conscience finally kicks in. That’s a win. Being kind is one thing, but having the self-control to stay chill when others aren't? That takes way more energy than trying to control everyone else.😁

coppermason said:Quentin Tarantino

Quentin Tarantino

It’s pretty obvious to me that people are only going to treat you the way you let them. And let's just say, if we're being honest, I’m usually the last person to set any kind of boundary.Total garbage.I don't know what the term is for this phenomenon, but I honestly can't wrap my head around why people act this way. It’s not just me, either—I only brought them up because I actually know them, but they treat everyone with that same level of disrespect. They tend to run into similar types over and over again, too. Depending on the person, they either cut them off entirely or just let the relationship fizzle out into nothing, and those rare few who actually stay close usually end up in constant conflict. So, I'm genuinely curious if anyone here knows what drives someone to be that incredibly tactless. Like, seriously, why?

People act that way simply because they can.

And yeah, you can change it, but you have to start with yourself.
There’s no shame in speaking up when something bothers you. 🙂

quietpilot87 said:People act that way simply because they can.

And yeah, you can change it, but you have to start with yourself.
There’s no shame in speaking up when something bothers you. 🙂

Look, I say my piece too. I rebel, and sometimes I react pretty aggressively, but the problem is they change so incredibly slowly that it feels almost pointless.

coppermason said:I know exactly why my specific cases act the way they do.
My brother, for instance, is like this because ever since he was born, being the first and only boy among three kids, he was basically coddled to death. It wasn't that he wasn't loved; it was just too much love and way too much tolerance. Then life gave him a reality check, so he ended up with a girlfriend who basically runs his life and does all his thinking for him. It makes total sense that he’d vent his frustrations on whoever is closest. As for the guy, I won't say anything derogatory about his background, but if he hadn't had the mother he needed, combined with the crowd he chose later on—people who are just as arrogant and rude to one another—it explains a lot. Same goes for my friend; she's going through a phase because of some past trauma.
I wouldn't say they're "bullying" me, because then I'd sound like a pushover, and that's not it. I intentionally mentioned in my opening post that I'm a tolerant person and blah blah blah, just so I didn't come off like I think I'm perfect. I work with small children, so I probably have a professional bias where I don't take every little cry, whine, or tantrum too personally. Instead, I try to handle things with a conversation or by distracting them, whether it's with kids or adults. And look, I love and respect all three of them unconditionally, and they respect me too—that's proven. Honestly, I'm just sharing this to get it off my chest and show what it looks like from my perspective.
It’s clear to me that we all have our outlets; in a way, they are mine. I get why they filter things this way; I see that they do it because they're weak and pathetic. But what I don't get is why a person feels no need to help themselves or pull themselves together. Their way of "solving" problems actually just creates a whole new one, making things worse with their families and everyone else.

Regarding psychiatric help, with all due respect to the doctors here in the States, I don't think a psychiatrist can provide the kind of help he actually needs. I'm basically acting as his therapist without the antidepressants or the nonsense a doctor would prescribe just to send him home... but that's a whole different topic.

Why don't people realize their behavior is wrong and that they're just making life harder for everyone? I don't know, maybe they just lack the habit or the drive for self-reflection. It's easier to live by blaming others than by realizing you're the architect of your own happiness. I mean, if your boyfriend realized he was treating both you and himself poorly, he'd have to change, right? And that’s hard. It's much easier to just keep bothering everyone else.

You're thinking about it yourself, yet you aren't exactly leaning toward professional help either. You have all sorts of excuses for why seeing an expert isn't useful. Now, just imagine how it feels for your boyfriend or brother, who won't even accept the idea that they're acting poorly and need to change.

It’s a deeply ingrained way of behaving, and it doesn't just flip overnight. It’s not a decision like "I'm going to stop buying Kraft and start buying Nestlé." A real change requires massive internal shifts, and most people just don't want that.

Maybe try correcting them slightly: like, when someone shows up late, you just pick up and leave. And if you have to, do it again. If they actually care about you, they'll be on time next time. And if they don't? Well, then I guess you just accept that they don't care and stop wasting your energy.

Jerry Martinez5 said:Why don't people realize their behavior is wrong and that they're just making life harder for everyone? I don't know, maybe they just lack the habit or the drive for self-reflection. It's easier to live by blaming others than by realizing you're the architect of your own happiness. I mean, if your boyfriend realized he was treating both you and himself poorly, he'd have to change, right? And that’s hard. It's much easier to just keep bothering everyone else.

You're thinking about it yourself, yet you aren't exactly leaning toward professional help either. You have all sorts of excuses for why seeing an expert isn't useful. Now, just imagine how it feels for your boyfriend or brother, who won't even accept the idea that they're acting poorly and need to change.

It’s a deeply ingrained way of behaving, and it doesn't just flip overnight. It’s not a decision like "I'm going to stop buying Kraft and start buying Nestlé." A real change requires massive internal shifts, and most people just don't want that.

Maybe try correcting them slightly: like, when someone shows up late, you just pick up and leave. And if you have to, do it again. If they actually care about you, they'll be on time next time. And if they don't? Well, then I guess you just accept that they don't care and stop wasting your energy.

Look, I have a relative who's a psychiatrist, and honestly, she's probably the weirdest one in the family. It's not that I don't talk to therapists, but believe me, there isn't a specialist in this entire country who could actually help us properly. I know what I'm talking about.
I handle it my own way. Yesterday he was late again—honestly, I've lost track because I've become so used to it. I don't sit around waiting for him anymore; I stay home, and when he finally shows up, he shows up. We've fallen into this lazy pattern where we just drift. It just drives me nuts because he still acts like he's afraid of any kind of confrontation. I want to teach him to just say, "Hey, I don't know when I'll be there." He acts like everything has to be perfectly timed, without realizing that's impossible. After he showed up late yesterday with some excuse about staying late for my uncle's 50th birthday... when I told him what I wrote above, he just called me a perfectionist. To him, life is just one series of unpredictable events where he never knows where he'll end up. Me? I actually like knowing where I'm going, why I'm going there, and at least roughly when I'll be back.
Anyway, this whole thread is getting derailed by my venting about my relationship, which honestly isn't even the main issue—my brother is the one giving me more grief...
Basically, I just want to tell everyone: please, go see a counselor more often! The world would be a much better place.😉

coppermason said:Look, I say my piece too. I rebel, and sometimes I react pretty aggressively, but the problem is they change so incredibly slowly that it feels almost pointless.

Forget it—you don't get to set the tempo for someone else's evolution. Thinking you can is arrogant, and honestly? It’s just impossible.
It's hard enough trying to fix yourself, and even then, you aren't the one pulling the strings. Expecting that from someone else is a lost cause.

Plus, going scorched earth usually just slows people down even more—assuming they were actually moving in the first place.

Focus on changing yourself. And grab some patience while you're at it. Loving someone is mostly just a lesson in waiting.

coppermason said:I mean, I could say the same thing about myself, but honestly, when I see the payoff for all my patience, let's call it that, it gives me enough fuel to keep going.😉
Every once in a while, people finally realize they're being jerks and we're actually the decent ones—it's like their conscience finally kicks in. That’s a win. Being kind is one thing, but having the self-control to stay chill when others aren't? That takes way more energy than trying to control everyone else.😁

Look, sorry, but if you actually look at that post I quoted earlier—the one where coppermason was talking—it’s right there in plain sight. It's exactly how you act. 🙂

The only thing I can actually change is making sure my "occasional" outbursts become a regular occurrence instead.
But I don't want that, because like you said, that would just undermine all the effort I put into trying to keep it under control in the first place.
When I snap like that, it’s honestly just to show him how ugly it really is—to make him feel it firsthand. He knows this isn't my normal vibe; I have zero desire to be rude to anyone. It’s just pointless. You've got me all wrong.😉
I'm armed with enough patience and love that, even if I know I won't ever be perfect, I'm still more than willing to fight this battle.😍

coppermason said:The only thing I can actually change is making sure my "occasional" outbursts become a regular occurrence instead.
But I don't want that, because like you said, that would just undermine all the effort I put into trying to keep it under control in the first place.
When I snap like that, it’s honestly just to show him how ugly it really is—to make him feel it firsthand. He knows this isn't my normal vibe; I have zero desire to be rude to anyone. It’s just pointless. You've got me all wrong.😉
I'm armed with enough patience and love that, even if I know I won't ever be perfect, I'm still more than willing to fight this battle.😍

And why? You think you don't deserve a guy who actually puts you first instead of treating you like an afterthought? Someone who doesn't just ditch his plans with you the second someone else walks into the room? From what I can tell, he isn't even making a choice; he’s just doing whatever it takes to avoid being with you. But sure, he shows up on time for work or a midterm, right? Just think about how many times he actually manages to be punctual. Yeah, those are the only moments where he actually gives a damn about anything.

I’m not saying he doesn't care about you. It’s just that he’s gotten used to the idea that he can act however he wants because you’ll always tolerate it. If his buddies at the pub call him out, they’ll just head out without him if he says no. But you? You'll still be there waiting for him, I guess.

People don't change just because you have endless patience or because you lose your mind and snap at them. You aren't going to change your brother, I guess. Your only real option there is to cut communication down to the bare minimum. But a boyfriend? You can actually change that situation—by finding someone new.

coppermason said:I’m curious to see how much consideration people actually show to those around them.
The reason this is on my mind is because I’ve spent basically my entire life in conflict with three specific people, mostly due to their total lack of awareness for anyone else—not just me, but everyone.

First, there's my brother. He basically steamrolls over everything and everyone without a second thought. He thinks he's entitled to snap at anyone who gets in his way, but God forbid anyone looks at him the wrong way. His life is sacred; nobody is allowed to comment on it, even if it's something positive.

Then there's my boyfriend. His job drains him mentally to an almost absurd degree. Even my mom, who’s a surgeon, wasn't as physically or mentally exhausted after her toughest surgeries in 25 years of practice.
I don't have a single legitimate excuse for being late or missing a deadline, yet he’s almost always running behind and can't stick to a plan to save his life—and it's not just with me. It’s happened a hundred times where he’s just lying at my place, napping, totally forgetting about a meeting, and then I hear him on the phone lying through his teeth, claiming he's already driving there. But of course, he feels entitled to criticize everyone and pick fights with anyone.

And finally, my friend. She wouldn't lift a finger for anyone. She’ll go out of her way to stir up drama just to shut me down, but if I do something without consulting her first, she stays mad for three days. I've realized she lives for the manipulation, but honestly, I'm just tired of playing along.

Look, I'm a pretty good person... blah blah blah, but I truly cannot wrap my head around how someone can be so oblivious that it starts feeling like actual masochism.

So, let's see how many toxic people are hanging out on this forum.

In my view, a person should be considerate toward everyone. Then, based on how people react and interact with you, you filter out those who deserve kindness from those who earn a "tit for tat" approach... because it is madness to offer bread to someone who is constantly throwing stones at you.