People who never make the first move

Have you ever dealt with someone like this? You know the type—the kind of person where it’s always on you to reach out first, to check in, to ask how their week was or what’s new...

For instance, you’re the one initiating the calls and keeping the conversation going—doing it several times, actually—and then you eventually hit a wall and think, "Alright, I'm done calling; let's see if they even bother to pick up the phone or reach out once I stop." And then? Silence. Forever.

What’s your take on this behavior? Does it drive you absolutely crazy, or am I just being overly sensitive?

Yeah, I’ve been in those kinds of relationships before, and frankly, they drove me insane. Eventually, I just decided to let it all go down the drain. 😉

Basically: I don't care. I stop reaching out entirely. There are usually three ways this plays out:
- You just never hear from or see that person again.
- After a while, they realize what happened and actually call you... then maybe, eventually, you find some kind of balance. (Though it rarely works immediately: one phone call means nothing if all the effort ends up back on your shoulders.)
- They call you after a long silence just to lecture you, saying, "Why haven't you called me lately?" I tend to cut people like that out pretty quickly. 😈

At the end of the day, these are power struggles. It has very little to do with actual friendship.

Jerry Martinez5 said:Yeah, I’ve been in those kinds of relationships before, and frankly, they drove me insane. Eventually, I just decided to let it all go down the drain. 😉

Basically: I don't care. I stop reaching out entirely. There are usually three ways this plays out:
- You just never hear from or see that person again.
- After a while, they realize what happened and actually call you... then maybe, eventually, you find some kind of balance. (Though it rarely works immediately: one phone call means nothing if all the effort ends up back on your shoulders.)
- They call you after a long silence just to lecture you, saying, "Why haven't you called me lately?" I tend to cut people like that out pretty quickly. 😈

At the end of the day, these are power struggles. It has very little to do with actual friendship.

It happens quite frequently, really... though I suspect there are plenty of people out there who are just emotionally stunted, or perhaps they're simply too rigid in their ways, making it incredibly difficult for them to grasp the concept of reciprocity—which, if you ask me, is the very heartbeat of any meaningful connection. I have personally encountered my fair share of individuals who seem to find the simplest things, like sending a quick holiday card or even just checking in once in a while, to be an insurmountable task. And honestly, when you finally decide to cut ties and shut down that line of communication entirely, I can hardly blame anyone for being surprised by the fallout.🤷

Ugh... honestly, I’ve always been this way. I was never the type to reach out first or be the one blowing up someone's phone to grab a coffee or whatever. It was always everyone else calling the shots—deciding what we were doing, where we were headed, how the whole day was gonna go. Looking back, I realize it totally drove my friends insane because I was basically that person you had to practically beg just to show up... like, you had to bow down before I’d even consider hanging out. And don't even get me started on the phone thing—I’d go MIA for days and then come up with some lame excuse about leaving my iPhone at home or something... blah blah... just constant BS to cover my tracks.

But, speaking from experience, I can tell you that people like me aren't being distant because we're avoiding you or don't want to hang out. It’s actually the exact opposite. We’re terrified of being a nuisance to our friends. I’m constantly scared that if I’m the first one to suggest grabbing a drink or hitting up a concert, I’ll just end up getting rejected or told they're too busy—even though I know deep down that's just my head playing tricks on me and it's totally irrational. People like us tend to be loners, even if we actually crave social time... provided someone else makes the move first. We often feel left out for absolutely no reason at all... it sucks, really. But seriously, please don't give up on someone like that... precisely because they're like this, they're the ones who need you to 😉

People like that just come off as incredibly pretentious.
I know plenty of folks like them—people who genuinely believe they’re somehow superior to everyone else, almost untouchable.

I steer clear of those types. I'm not the kind of person who’s going to chase anyone down or try to convince them to care.
If you show me once that you aren't interested, that's it. I’m not wasting my energy on you.

edit—well, unless it's an extreme case.
See, my husband used to be exactly like that back when we first started dating.
But with him, putting in the work actually paid off. It took a long time, though, to finally break through his shell and get him to be real with me.
I mean... he’s still full of himself and thinks his intellect is basically unmatched by anyone on the planet... but he has these good qualities that outweigh that whole "I'm invincible" attitude. So, yeah... I love him anyway.

I’m definitely one of those people... I'm way more reactive than I am proactive or even just active. I don't really go out of my way to start things, I mostly just sit back and wait for life to come to me. Because of that, I move pretty slow through life and ended up losing a ton of stuff along the way... honestly, people just get bored with types like me. ☕

Honestly, I’ve always been this way—since I was a kid, everyone’s been teasing me and I just don't react. And if someone actually forgets to include me? Well, then I lose it. 😁 My friends haven't bailed on me because of it, though; I guess they’re just used to my temperament by now—that’s how it works. Credit to them, really, since they basically have to drag me along for the ride my entire life. But my absolute favorite people are my girlfriends who live out of state—they still call me every single year for my birthday and send gifts, even though I never think to reach out to them. They are absolute legends 😍

Zachary Patel6 said:Honestly, I’ve always been this way—since I was a kid, everyone’s been teasing me and I just don't react. And if someone actually forgets to include me? Well, then I lose it. 😁 My friends haven't bailed on me because of it, though; I guess they’re just used to my temperament by now—that’s how it works. Credit to them, really, since they basically have to drag me along for the ride my entire life. But my absolute favorite people are my girlfriends who live out of state—they still call me every single year for my birthday and send gifts, even though I never think to reach out to them. They are absolute legends 😍

x

Man, I seriously hate reaching out to people. I can't stand phones or texting. Honestly, replying to messages feels like such a chore. If someone actually wants to hang out with me, they'll make the effort to reach out... if they don't, whatever, it's not the end of the world.
Now, if we're talking about communicating within a relationship, that's a whole different ballgame. Like, if you always have to be the one chasing your partner down just to get a response, then you don't even really have a relationship...

Donna Wood52 said:Have you ever dealt with someone like this? You know the type—the kind of person where it’s always on you to reach out first, to check in, to ask how their week was or what’s new...

For instance, you’re the one initiating the calls and keeping the conversation going—doing it several times, actually—and then you eventually hit a wall and think, "Alright, I'm done calling; let's see if they even bother to pick up the phone or reach out once I stop." And then? Silence. Forever.

What’s your take on this behavior? Does it drive you absolutely crazy, or am I just being overly sensitive?

It didn't bother me as much in the past; instead, I just felt saddened by the realization of how little those people valued our friendship. Eventually, I stopped trying to maintain certain connections at all costs. Now, I only reach out occasionally when I truly want to hear from them or when I have nothing better to do, while expecting absolutely nothing in return. If—and it's a big if—they happen to reach out themselves, I simply react based on how I feel in that moment without feeling obligated to rekindle the friendship. I don't hold it against people for being this way, but I prefer not to surround myself with them. If it isn't a case of them personally disliking me—which is usually easy to sense—then these individuals are typically either too self-centered or purely opportunistic. In the first case, they don't genuinely need others, so they feel no urge to meet up, and in the second, I likely don't serve a specific purpose for them at that moment. Neither scenario is particularly appealing. I believe it is best not to waste energy on such people and to instead seek out two-way relationships that flow naturally and spontaneously.🙂

The absolute worst part of this whole situation? If I actually develop feelings for someone, I’ll never be the one to make a move—it's just beneath my dignity, 😁 I suppose. But since I exclusively gravitate toward people who share my exact temperament, it follows that I am destined to remain forever single and unattached to anyone I actually like. 😢

I’ve been sitting here reflecting on this lately... I find myself stuck in this cycle where I’m simultaneously pulling away from people and trying to escape my own company because being alone is unbearable. It’s a mess. I genuinely enjoy socializing—I love a good laugh and just hanging out—but there’s this constant, nagging anxiety that I’m going to screw something up. I’m terrified people will judge me, decide I’m "bad news," and start avoiding me. Honestly, I can't handle seeing that look of disappointment in someone's eyes anymore. It cuts too deep.
I am not a bad person. I don't gossip, and I don't go looking for trouble, but I am incredibly clumsy and slow on the uptake. When people label me as the "scatterbrain" of the group, it turns into laughter at my expense, and everything...
For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt like that awkward kid everyone mocks just because I’m inherently a bit ridiculous...
I don't know. I'm just scared.😢
I crave connection and friendship so much, but that's where the catch is...
If I lean too hard on casual acquaintances, they’ll just think I’m needy or weird.
That sense of security and belonging is something I should have gotten from my parents, but that ship has sailed...
I’m just really confused about how all this works.
And another thing... people are incredibly perceptive. They can read you like an open book, which is a double-edged sword. If I ever hit a low point or spiral into a depression, people will see it written all over my face and run for the hills. So, instead, I hide my gaze. I act like I'm indifferent to making contact—by which I mean, I pretend I don't care about socializing.

I suppose if I don't feel the urge to reach out and they're always the ones calling me, it says everything about where I stand with them. If someone actually matters to me, I don't hesitate to pick up the phone...

brightwalker12 said:I suppose if I don't feel the urge to reach out and they're always the ones calling me, it says everything about where I stand with them. If someone actually matters to me, I don't hesitate to pick up the phone...

So, let me get this straight... you're one of those fiercely independent types who's perfectly content with themselves and everyone else? 😁
Then why on earth are you browsing threads like this? Hmm...
Usually, the only people popping up here are the ones struggling with something, not the folks living their best lives.
Or maybe you just stumbled onto this subforum because you were bored?

amberheron17 said:But speaking from my own experience, I can tell you that people like me don't avoid reaching out because we don't want to see anyone—it’s actually the exact opposite. We’re terrified of being a nuisance to our friends. We hesitate to be the first ones to suggest hanging out because we’ve already convinced ourselves they’ll say no or just be too busy—even though, looking back, that logic is completely irrational and frankly stupid. These types of people tend to be loners, even if they genuinely crave social interaction... provided someone else takes the initiative to invite them. There's this constant, nagging feeling of being left out for absolutely no reason at all... it's honestly exhausting. But seriously, don't give up on someone like that... it’s precisely because they struggle that they need 😉

I'm with you on this. People like that have a pathological fear of rejection. It's a pattern, too—they often end up staying single their whole lives because of it. And the same thing applies to friendships; these individuals are so withdrawn that by the time they finally muster the courage to call a friend, that friend is already booked up or heading out with someone more "outgoing." The withdrawn person feels that sting of being an afterthought, and then they retreat even further to avoid the pain of another rejection. In the end, those types always end up being the backup plan when everyone else's plans fall through.

Donna Wood52 said:I'm with you on this. People like that have a pathological fear of rejection. It's a pattern, too—they often end up staying single their whole lives because of it. And the same thing applies to friendships; these individuals are so withdrawn that by the time they finally muster the courage to call a friend, that friend is already booked up or heading out with someone more "outgoing." The withdrawn person feels that sting of being an afterthought, and then they retreat even further to avoid the pain of another rejection. In the end, those types always end up being the backup plan when everyone else's plans fall through.

And those same people are usually the first ones to ignore you once they find someone better to call. 😛

northernharbor34 said:The people who suddenly start acting like they care about reserves—only after everyone else has stopped responding—are exactly the kind of folks I can't stand. It’s always the same pattern, isn't it? They stay silent while the conversation is actually happening, then swoop in with their "concerns" once the room has cleared out. Typical. 😛

I wouldn't exactly be jumping on board with that—but hey, to each their own, I suppose. 😉

Brenda Cooper3 said:So, let me get this straight... you're one of those fiercely independent types who's perfectly content with themselves and everyone else? 😁
Then why on earth are you browsing threads like this? Hmm...
Usually, the only people popping up here are the ones struggling with something, not the folks living their best lives.
Or maybe you just stumbled onto this subforum because you were bored?

Man... 🙄
I won't derail the topic, but do you really think everyone posting in psychology is frustrated and miserable?😉
I'm perfectly happy, though I certainly have a past (thank God my teenage years are over😁)

brightwalker12 said:Man... 🙄
I won't derail the topic, but do you really think everyone posting in psychology is frustrated and miserable?😉
I'm perfectly happy, though I certainly have a past (thank God my teenage years are over😁)

Not everyone. But usually, yes.
Personally, if I'm dealing with digestive issues, I head over to the health forum to read up. If it's relationship drama, I go to the dating sub...
I follow that kind of logic.
Of course, there are always exceptions that prove the rule.
Don't get mad at me.😬

Donna Wood52 said:I wouldn't exactly be jumping on board with that—but hey, to each their own, I suppose. 😉

Look, maybe that person is an amazing friend to everyone else, but they just aren't that obsessed with those friendships themselves. 🤷

Donna Wood52 said:Have you ever dealt with someone like this? You know the type—the kind of person where it’s always on you to reach out first, to check in, to ask how their week was or what’s new...

For instance, you’re the one initiating the calls and keeping the conversation going—doing it several times, actually—and then you eventually hit a wall and think, "Alright, I'm done calling; let's see if they even bother to pick up the phone or reach out once I stop." And then? Silence. Forever.

What’s your take on this behavior? Does it drive you absolutely crazy, or am I just being overly sensitive?

usually, people with less value tend to mess with those who have more,😳

I'm talking about the balance of value that gets established

in any friendship or relationship, right at the very beginning

because that's just how it's always been, whether we like admitting it or not,

in every single connection, there's one person who is more dominant

and that friend you reached out to a bunch of times, only for them to

ghost you later, they probably weren't even a friend to begin with.

they were just an acquaintance you wanted to turn into a friend

or maybe something more, which they clearly didn't want to be!!!!☕🙂