What's the deal? Always together, but "just friends"?

I recently started a thread over on Reddit, and even though people were helpful, I still feel like I’m missing some clarity. Someone suggested I cross-post this here (though I'm not sure if it's actually that serious, but whatever). I'll just paste what I already wrote:
"About 4 or 5 years ago, I met this girl. From the very start, we've been inseparable; hundreds of people could be walking right past us, but at the end of the day, it’s always just the two of us. We have everything in common. Neither of us has ever—and I mean ever—gotten into an argument about anything. In these nearly five years, she has completely transformed me for the better. We spend every single day and night together, talking ten times a day. There isn't anything I wouldn't do if she asked, and vice versa. We've become so close that I'm starting to question the sincerity of our friendship... Something in my gut keeps telling me I need to find a way out of this situation, I just don't know how..."
Oh, and she has a boyfriend...
I'm normally an incredibly jealous person, but I've never felt that way about her guy. He was there before I showed up, so it feels totally fine to me. I'm certain she could find someone better, but I'd never say that to her. However, when someone new shows up and she spends time with them or gives them more attention while we're hanging out, it really gets under my skin. It's probably because I know how people perceive her; I've seen a million times how people misinterpret her intentions, and it hurts her. I realize I act way too protective when it comes to her, but it's just instinctive. Honestly, I'd rather never see her again if it meant knowing she was happy, but I'm terrified that's exactly what will happen—that she'll end up stifling all that incredible energy of hers. I'm not saying I'm "in love," but it's deeper than that. I'm struggling with whether this can stay a pure friendship or if I'm eventually going to have to burn the bridge entirely.

hollowraven3 said:Look, I’ll be the first to admit I can be incredibly jealous—it’s a flaw—but I’ve never once felt that way about her boyfriend. He was there before I showed up, plain and simple, and I respect that. It's perfectly normal to me. I’m fully aware she could probably find someone better, but honestly, I’d never be the type to actually say that out loud.

I suspect you actually do have feelings for her... deep down. You aren't bothered when you see her with other guys, and her boyfriend doesn't even trigger any jealousy in you. Why? Because you’re convinced she can do better. You’re likely operating under this subconscious assumption that they might break up eventually—and if they do, she'll end up thinking exactly what you're thinking: "I can definitely find someone better than him."

I’ll never lie about attraction; it would be ridiculous to deny it for someone I spend more time with than anyone else—someone who makes everything feel easy and effortless. When I say she’s beautiful, I mean it. And when I say she deserves better, I only say it because I love her and truly want her to be happy.

Why is it such a struggle for you to just admit you love her and want her all to yourself?

You’ve accepted being "the other guy," and you actually nurture that specific niche she has for you. You only feel threatened if a third person shows up—because you have no intention of messing with her relationship with her primary partner.

Yeah, it’s psychological. And I bet if I told you this stems from your relationship with your father, you’d just tell me your old man is great. 😉

To put it simply: it’s a phase of growing up. Plenty of people go through it, maintaining relationships that can be incredibly intense and close, yet completely platonic. It would only be an issue if you spent decades stuck like this, but we aren't there yet.

Jerry Martinez5 said:Why is it such a struggle for you to just admit you love her and want her all to yourself?

You’ve accepted being "the other guy," and you actually nurture that specific niche she has for you. You only feel threatened if a third person shows up—because you have no intention of messing with her relationship with her primary partner.

Yeah, it’s psychological. And I bet if I told you this stems from your relationship with your father, you’d just tell me your old man is great. 😉

To put it simply: it’s a phase of growing up. Plenty of people go through it, maintaining relationships that can be incredibly intense and close, yet completely platonic. It would only be an issue if you spent decades stuck like this, but we aren't there yet.

If I may ask one question: why does every single discussion regarding psychology eventually spiral into talking about having a bad father, an overly close relationship with a father, or a complete lack of a relationship with a father? I believe there are countless factors in life that shape us... (to put it simply, whenever I turn around, I somehow end up back at my dad. 🙂 )
As for this other matter, if everything written above is sincere and truly describes your actual feelings and thoughts without any sugarcoating, then in my view, this is one of the purest forms of love, regardless of its nature. (Personally, it strikes me as a romantic love for a woman rather than just friendship, but I suppose these things aren't easy to articulate, especially when you haven't even figured it out yourself.)

copperridge77 said:If I may ask one question: why does every single discussion regarding psychology eventually spiral into talking about having a bad father, an overly close relationship with a father, or a complete lack of a relationship with a father? I believe there are countless factors in life that shape us... (to put it simply, whenever I turn around, I somehow end up back at my dad. 🙂 )
As for this other matter, if everything written above is sincere and truly describes your actual feelings and thoughts without any sugarcoating, then in my view, this is one of the purest forms of love, regardless of its nature. (Personally, it strikes me as a romantic love for a woman rather than just friendship, but I suppose these things aren't easy to articulate, especially when you haven't even figured it out yourself.)

How? Don't like 80 percent of these cases end with the mother?

A mother has a much larger impact on a child than a father does. And what do you think? Which factor is actually crucial in shaping how we relate to the opposite sex? Something more important than parental relationships? Success in math class or eye color?

If this had been posted in Men's Corner, you'd get one type of answer; here, you get another. But I guess we can't say much if I don't write

I don't think my domestic life is actually the issue here, because if I'm being honest, those relationships are more than fine. It might be more about losing someone incredibly close to me—that feeling where you just stop caring about anyone at all, until a certain person comes along. Someone who, even just as a friend, gives you the strength, the willpower, and the actual desire to pull yourself together and start enjoying life again.
I absolutely admit that I love her. Honestly, it feels implied when we spend our days together and talk multiple times every single day... The thing is, I'm just confused because I've never had a relationship this intimate or open with anyone else. For instance, if I had a girlfriend, she’d probably get angry if I let her read my texts or if I put my hands in my pockets, but with her, I can talk about absolutely anything. And it isn't just me being jealous of some "third party." She would make it very obvious if she actually cared whether I was seeing some other girl or not.
I am not sugarcoating a single thing in this story! I'm just not entirely sure if what I'm feeling is "love" in the traditional sense. It just leaves me incredibly baffled that I can feel this much love for someone while everything remains strictly platonic...

hollowraven3 said:I don't think my domestic life is actually the issue here, because if I'm being honest, those relationships are more than fine. It might be more about losing someone incredibly close to me—that feeling where you just stop caring about anyone at all, until a certain person comes along. Someone who, even just as a friend, gives you the strength, the willpower, and the actual desire to pull yourself together and start enjoying life again.
I absolutely admit that I love her. Honestly, it feels implied when we spend our days together and talk multiple times every single day... The thing is, I'm just confused because I've never had a relationship this intimate or open with anyone else. For instance, if I had a girlfriend, she’d probably get angry if I let her read my texts or if I put my hands in my pockets, but with her, I can talk about absolutely anything. And it isn't just me being jealous of some "third party." She would make it very obvious if she actually cared whether I was seeing some other girl or not.
I am not sugarcoating a single thing in this story! I'm just not entirely sure if what I'm feeling is "love" in the traditional sense. It just leaves me incredibly baffled that I can feel this much love for someone while everything remains strictly platonic...

I’ve had two of those "situationships" in my life. Both guys were actually single—not seeing anyone else. We had a blast, spent all our time together, and everyone assumed we were dating. But we weren't a couple; it was all just platonic

I guess you're maybe under 25?

Hopefully, it won't be as confusing once you realize these kinds of dynamics aren't exactly rare. Eventually, everyone finds their own reason for why they needed that connection. Maybe there's a reason you didn't just move on to someone else and start a real relationship at the time.

Honestly, that sounds pretty sweet to me. I don't get why you're stressing out—or why you're even asking questions in the first place.

If you ask me, you just want her all to yourself, you're just too chicken to admit it.🙂

hollowraven3 said:I recently started a thread over on Reddit, and even though people were helpful, I still feel like I’m missing some clarity. Someone suggested I cross-post this here (though I'm not sure if it's actually that serious, but whatever). I'll just paste what I already wrote:
"About 4 or 5 years ago, I met this girl. From the very start, we've been inseparable; hundreds of people could be walking right past us, but at the end of the day, it’s always just the two of us. We have everything in common. Neither of us has ever—and I mean ever—gotten into an argument about anything. In these nearly five years, she has completely transformed me for the better. We spend every single day and night together, talking ten times a day. There isn't anything I wouldn't do if she asked, and vice versa. We've become so close that I'm starting to question the sincerity of our friendship... Something in my gut keeps telling me I need to find a way out of this situation, I just don't know how..."
Oh, and she has a boyfriend...
I'm normally an incredibly jealous person, but I've never felt that way about her guy. He was there before I showed up, so it feels totally fine to me. I'm certain she could find someone better, but I'd never say that to her. However, when someone new shows up and she spends time with them or gives them more attention while we're hanging out, it really gets under my skin. It's probably because I know how people perceive her; I've seen a million times how people misinterpret her intentions, and it hurts her. I realize I act way too protective when it comes to her, but it's just instinctive. Honestly, I'd rather never see her again if it meant knowing she was happy, but I'm terrified that's exactly what will happen—that she'll end up stifling all that incredible energy of hers. I'm not saying I'm "in love," but it's deeper than that. I'm struggling with whether this can stay a pure friendship or if I'm eventually going to have to burn the bridge entirely.

I think time has finally made its decision for you...

What's really going on here? Honestly, I think the only way to find out is to dive in. And man, why not? It’s obvious you totally get the vibe and you know exactly where this is heading. You know the plot is reaching its climax and you're about to make your move. Whatever happens, just keep a smile on your face. Like the legend says... "The show must go on!"

Jerry Martinez5 said:How? Don't like 80 percent of these cases end with the mother?

A mother has a much larger impact on a child than a father does. And what do you think? Which factor is actually crucial in shaping how we relate to the opposite sex? Something more important than parental relationships? Success in math class or eye color?

If this had been posted in Men's Corner, you'd get one type of answer; here, you get another. But I guess we can't say much if I don't write

Alright... look, don't take this the wrong way, but the more I read your posts, the more it seems like you try to pin every single life event or relationship issue on some psychological disorder or a fractured relationship with a parent. And frankly, I don't see why you need all the irony. I never claimed our parents aren't formative; I simply stated they aren't the *only* thing that shapes us. Who knows, maybe our eye color plays a part too...😉 though I haven't quite noticed that trend yet. Seriously, people, our social circles, our interests, our genetics—these are all massive factors in who we become.

How exactly do you think timing played a role here?
I’m hesitant to take that leap, not just because I’d risk ruining—or at least seriously damaging—our friendship, but because I honestly don't know if my heart is truly in it. I suspect the issue is simply that we spend way too much time together. Between our morning commitments and going out nearly every single night (it’s usually just the two of us, though friends jump in occasionally; I can count on one hand the number of times I've been out without her), we are constantly inseparable. We even end up sharing a room or a bed, all the time. I don't know about anyone else, but if it were anyone else, I would have grown bored ages ago. With her, it's the opposite—I always have a blast. Even when I happen to go out with someone else, I find myself missing her. It isn't that she bothers me; rather, it scares me. I've started subconsciously nitpicking small, trivial things, hoping it might give me an excuse to pull away, when the truth is, I don't actually want to.

hollowraven3 said:How exactly do you think timing played a role here?
I’m hesitant to take that leap, not just because I’d risk ruining—or at least seriously damaging—our friendship, but because I honestly don't know if my heart is truly in it. I suspect the issue is simply that we spend way too much time together. Between our morning commitments and going out nearly every single night (it’s usually just the two of us, though friends jump in occasionally; I can count on one hand the number of times I've been out without her), we are constantly inseparable. We even end up sharing a room or a bed, all the time. I don't know about anyone else, but if it were anyone else, I would have grown bored ages ago. With her, it's the opposite—I always have a blast. Even when I happen to go out with someone else, I find myself missing her. It isn't that she bothers me; rather, it scares me. I've started subconsciously nitpicking small, trivial things, hoping it might give me an excuse to pull away, when the truth is, I don't actually want to.

The choice to end it is entirely yours—you realize that, right?

No, I'm not pushing you to break it off. I mean, a connection like this can be beautiful. Personally, I ended both of mine once I realized the pain of the relationship not being "realized" was becoming greater than the actual joy of spending time together. I simply wanted more, and I walked away when it became clear that I wasn't going to get it anymore. It took me a couple of years to get there, though. Looking back, I'm glad I went through it. 🙂

Ultimately, you're the one deciding. She's already made her stance clear by having a boyfriend. You mean a lot to her, I'm certain of that, because these kinds of connections are incredibly intense. But she doesn't care enough to leave her boyfriend for you. While you might be able to handle this, you two will likely just stay stuck in this exact kind of dynamic.

Maybe look at it as a privilege: platonic relationships are often much more emotionally intimate. You experience things you probably wouldn't be able to in a "standard" relationship right now. Of course, you don't get the perks of a full relationship (and by "full," I mean sexually realized; your connection is perfectly real even without the sex).

Jerry Martinez5 said:The choice to end it is entirely yours—you realize that, right?

No, I'm not pushing you to break it off. I mean, a connection like this can be beautiful. Personally, I ended both of mine once I realized the pain of the relationship not being "realized" was becoming greater than the actual joy of spending time together. I simply wanted more, and I walked away when it became clear that I wasn't going to get it anymore. It took me a couple of years to get there, though. Looking back, I'm glad I went through it. 🙂

Ultimately, you're the one deciding. She's already made her stance clear by having a boyfriend. You mean a lot to her, I'm certain of that, because these kinds of connections are incredibly intense. But she doesn't care enough to leave her boyfriend for you. While you might be able to handle this, you two will likely just stay stuck in this exact kind of dynamic.

Maybe look at it as a privilege: platonic relationships are often much more emotionally intimate. You experience things you probably wouldn't be able to in a "standard" relationship right now. Of course, you don't get the perks of a full relationship (and by "full," I mean sexually realized; your connection is perfectly real even without the sex).

You’ve essentially recounted my entire life story here. The most profound connection I have ever experienced was purely platonic, and it was devastatingly intense for both of us, lasting for years.
Could you please elaborate a bit more on how the family dynamic plays into this?

Jamie Davis9 said:You’ve essentially recounted my entire life story here. The most profound connection I have ever experienced was purely platonic, and it was devastatingly intense for both of us, lasting for years.
Could you please elaborate a bit more on how the family dynamic plays into this?

Look, I'm just winging it here. I'm no expert. I basically viewed those experiences as part of my own journey toward finally accepting my sexuality. Back when I couldn't deal with that, keeping things strictly platonic worked for me. Since the guys I was seeing weren't in relationships at the time, I guess I was effectively their "only one."

When it comes to why this topic even started, the situation is different. The girl has a boyfriend, and he seemingly doesn't care. Sure. That’s where the relationship with the father comes in. I mean, why does the guy initiating this think he isn't good enough to actually be her boyfriend?

I wouldn't say she actually took a definitive stance; she didn't have to. He’s been in the picture much longer than I have. That’s a whole different story because I’m convinced their connection is driven more by sheer habit than anything else—it's mostly fear. It isn't easy to walk away from someone you grew up alongside, especially when they have so much more life experience than you do. She has told me a million times that what they have just isn't right. Honestly, it probably wouldn't have lasted this long if there wasn't always a "stopgap" to bridge the gaps; in this case, that's me, and I don't mind that one bit. I would never dream of telling her she needs to end it, but I know her well enough to see she isn't happy.
This isn't about family dynamics, I can tell you that much. I never said, nor did I ever think, that I wasn't good enough for her! I'm just not sure if I actually want this!

hollowraven3 said:I wouldn't say she actually took a definitive stance; she didn't have to. He’s been in the picture much longer than I have. That’s a whole different story because I’m convinced their connection is driven more by sheer habit than anything else—it's mostly fear. It isn't easy to walk away from someone you grew up alongside, especially when they have so much more life experience than you do. She has told me a million times that what they have just isn't right. Honestly, it probably wouldn't have lasted this long if there wasn't always a "stopgap" to bridge the gaps; in this case, that's me, and I don't mind that one bit. I would never dream of telling her she needs to end it, but I know her well enough to see she isn't happy.
This isn't about family dynamics, I can tell you that much. I never said, nor did I ever think, that I wasn't good enough for her! I'm just not sure if I actually want this!

Why?

hollowraven3 said:I wouldn't say she actually took a definitive stance; she didn't have to. He’s been in the picture much longer than I have. That’s a whole different story because I’m convinced their connection is driven more by sheer habit than anything else—it's mostly fear. It isn't easy to walk away from someone you grew up alongside, especially when they have so much more life experience than you do. She has told me a million times that what they have just isn't right. Honestly, it probably wouldn't have lasted this long if there wasn't always a "stopgap" to bridge the gaps; in this case, that's me, and I don't mind that one bit. I would never dream of telling her she needs to end it, but I know her well enough to see she isn't happy.
This isn't about family dynamics, I can tell you that much. I never said, nor did I ever think, that I wasn't good enough for her! I'm just not sure if I actually want this!

Look, you spend all day with her, and you already admitted you're into her. But now you're suddenly unsure? What's the catch? Are you maybe questioning your orientation, or is it something else?

Or maybe you don't even actually like her?

I can't really blame anyone for asking; after a post like this, I'm sure plenty of people would jump to that conclusion. But rest assured, that’s definitely not my orientation. I love women! Only women!
Maybe I'm just unsure because things are going so well right now, and I honestly feel like a solid friendship can outlast even the most serious relationship. Still, I can't help but wonder if a friendship can truly endure without someone eventually crossing that line.