Why are people so obsessed with being someone they're not?

I'm not quite sure which sub this belongs in, but this felt like the right spot...

I have a friend. She’s always been a genuinely good person—straight-A student, reliable, polite, organized, you name it.
Then, during her sophomore year of high school, it was like she just grew tired of being seen as the "good girl." Suddenly, she started fabricating this persona of a wild party girl who lives for the nightlife.
Out of nowhere, she starts claiming she’s slept with dozens of guys, lost her virginity at twelve, went on trips to Europe with some guy when she was ten, or tells these elaborate lies about getting proposed to last Valentine's Day. She talks about partying every weekend and drinking constantly. Everyone knows it's nonsense, but nobody wants to be the jerk who calls her out, so we all just let the lies slide. We haven't even met any of the "friends" she claims to hang out with, despite us all being close for four years now.
She’s 18 and a half now.
I don't get the motivation. What’s wrong with being seen as a responsible, decent person? Have we really reached a point where you have to pretend to be a reckless hedonist just to feel accepted?

Whenever she starts spinning these yarns, I just ignore it and change the subject. I've noticed it's grating on our other friends too, and they're starting to tune her out. But she won't stop; she finds a way to bring up sex or something equally desperate almost every single day.

What do you all think? How can I make her realize how exhausting this is without having to be brutally blunt about what I actually think of her?

Honestly, I find that being direct and telling someone exactly what’s on my mind is the most effective way to handle things. It’s like cutting through the noise straight to the signal. ☕

If you prefer to take a softer approach, just ask her why she's been acting differently lately. It's like checking the weather before a trip; maybe there's an underlying issue causing the shift, or perhaps she's just looking for a bit of attention. Who knows? Just go ahead and ask... 🤷

She’s going to be bored out of her mind... honestly, we should probably just give her some firewood to chop or have her haul some coal up from the basement...

Unfortunately, if you want to be considered "cool," you’re expected to brag about partying all night and having a revolving door of partners. Being the good kid, the nerd, or the loner without much of a social life—or a significant other—has never been "in." Those types have always been labeled as total outsiders.
If she isn't out on the town much, she probably just wants to be accepted. She doesn't want everyone to write her off as just some bookworm. That's why she makes things up.

Honestly, I don't really get why she deserves her own thread in the psychology section😁

Oh, absolutely—some people just live for the spotlight. Personally, I have no desire to be someone I’m not, but when it comes to people spinning tall tales to make themselves look better? That seems to be a universal constant.
Even when you know for a fact she isn't doing half the things she claims, she keeps the act going. It's almost transparent, really; she just invents these narratives to feed that desperate need to feel like she belongs. If you truly want to help her, my advice would be to just stay the steady, reliable friend you've always been. Maybe that's what will eventually bring her back to reality. But if it doesn't? Please, don't go changing who you are just to accommodate her. She'll come to her senses eventually.

hiddenhawk3 said:Honestly, I don't really get why she deserves her own thread in the psychology section😁

Should I ask a moderator to open a thread for this? 🙄

I can't exactly say it to her face; she’s far too sensitive for that. I've tried taking the indirect route and just avoiding the subject entirely, but nothing seems to work.
We embraced her a long time ago. We tried getting her to join us more than a few times, but for those first three years, she wouldn't budge—she was always glued to her own crowd. Now, suddenly, she’s the one constantly asking to tag along.
I honestly can't make heads or tails of her. 😕

She’s finally hit upon a hard truth: most people don't actually want to hang out with "saints." They have zero interest in someone who is supposedly devoid of vices, flaws, or those messy, dark secrets we all carry.
People find comfort in the company of flesh-and-blood humans—people who drink too much, smoke, chase after lust, and make questionable life choices. Saints exist to be admired from a distance, not to be invited to the party.
It isn't really about admiring their "inner beauty" or nobility; it’s more about the ego boost we get from looking at someone who lives a "righteous" life and feeling superior to those wandering down a darker path.
That’s what she’s realized, and now she’s terrified of being an outcast. She’s worried that if people see her for who she truly is—someone without the late-night benders, the reckless hookups, or the drug habits—she’ll just be seen as "boring" and conventional. In her own mind, she thinks she might actually be right. 😬

So, how does she move past this? 🤷
Maybe she'll eventually realize, as the years pass, that this whole performance is a waste of time. It’s a common cycle in that age group: one year they're playing the rebel, the next they're playing the saint, but they never actually settle into being themselves because they're too afraid of being uninteresting. At the heart of it, she doesn't love herself, and there isn't much anyone else can do to fix that.

We actually had someone just like that in our group 🙄
. She’d sit there writing these little love letters to herself and then act all coy, claiming some mysterious guy was sending them to her... poor 😢
. Honestly, she was making stuff up left and right, but eventually, we just called her out on it—straight to her face. After we confronted her, she finally backed off and stopped the lying nonsense.

slypuma17 said:She’s finally hit upon a hard truth: most people don't actually want to hang out with "saints." They have zero interest in someone who is supposedly devoid of vices, flaws, or those messy, dark secrets we all carry.
People find comfort in the company of flesh-and-blood humans—people who drink too much, smoke, chase after lust, and make questionable life choices. Saints exist to be admired from a distance, not to be invited to the party.
It isn't really about admiring their "inner beauty" or nobility; it’s more about the ego boost we get from looking at someone who lives a "righteous" life and feeling superior to those wandering down a darker path.
That’s what she’s realized, and now she’s terrified of being an outcast. She’s worried that if people see her for who she truly is—someone without the late-night benders, the reckless hookups, or the drug habits—she’ll just be seen as "boring" and conventional. In her own mind, she thinks she might actually be right. 😬

So, how does she move past this? 🤷
Maybe she'll eventually realize, as the years pass, that this whole performance is a waste of time. It’s a common cycle in that age group: one year they're playing the rebel, the next they're playing the saint, but they never actually settle into being themselves because they're too afraid of being uninteresting. At the heart of it, she doesn't love herself, and there isn't much anyone else can do to fix that.

You're right... I don't think she'll ever stop. She's too smart for her own good, and she's buried herself so deep in lies that she probably can't tell truth from fiction anymore. I honestly don't get how someone can lie to their friends' faces after all these years...
There's nothing I can do here. I have to let her deal with her own mess.
It's pathetic.

Hannah Castillo said:I'm not quite sure which sub this belongs in, but this felt like the right spot...

I have a friend. She’s always been a genuinely good person—straight-A student, reliable, polite, organized, you name it.
Then, during her sophomore year of high school, it was like she just grew tired of being seen as the "good girl." Suddenly, she started fabricating this persona of a wild party girl who lives for the nightlife.
Out of nowhere, she starts claiming she’s slept with dozens of guys, lost her virginity at twelve, went on trips to Europe with some guy when she was ten, or tells these elaborate lies about getting proposed to last Valentine's Day. She talks about partying every weekend and drinking constantly. Everyone knows it's nonsense, but nobody wants to be the jerk who calls her out, so we all just let the lies slide. We haven't even met any of the "friends" she claims to hang out with, despite us all being close for four years now.
She’s 18 and a half now.
I don't get the motivation. What’s wrong with being seen as a responsible, decent person? Have we really reached a point where you have to pretend to be a reckless hedonist just to feel accepted?

Whenever she starts spinning these yarns, I just ignore it and change the subject. I've noticed it's grating on our other friends too, and they're starting to tune her out. But she won't stop; she finds a way to bring up sex or something equally desperate almost every single day.

What do you all think? How can I make her realize how exhausting this is without having to be brutally blunt about what I actually think of her?

Maybe she's just bored with herself. It happens at that age, you know? You go through some post-adolescent crisis where you feel like you need to change everything because you aren't sure about anything else. It sucks. 😁
But seriously, I don't think it's really about you guys. It's about her and something she feels is missing. Maybe she's tired of always being the best, the most responsible, the most organized, the nicest... maybe that whole persona puts too much pressure on her.
Yeah, it is weird. I see it with people I knew back in middle school or high school: we run into them five years later, and those kids who were mediocre students and only cared about partying are actually decent college students now, while the "class nerds" are the ones finally going out and living life. I guess things just sort of balance themselves out eventually. 😁

slypuma17 said:She’s finally hit upon a hard truth: most people don't actually want to hang out with "saints." They have zero interest in someone who is supposedly devoid of vices, flaws, or those messy, dark secrets we all carry.
People find comfort in the company of flesh-and-blood humans—people who drink too much, smoke, chase after lust, and make questionable life choices. Saints exist to be admired from a distance, not to be invited to the party.
It isn't really about admiring their "inner beauty" or nobility; it’s more about the ego boost we get from looking at someone who lives a "righteous" life and feeling superior to those wandering down a darker path.
That’s what she’s realized, and now she’s terrified of being an outcast. She’s worried that if people see her for who she truly is—someone without the late-night benders, the reckless hookups, or the drug habits—she’ll just be seen as "boring" and conventional. In her own mind, she thinks she might actually be right. 😬

So, how does she move past this? 🤷
Maybe she'll eventually realize, as the years pass, that this whole performance is a waste of time. It’s a common cycle in that age group: one year they're playing the rebel, the next they're playing the saint, but they never actually settle into being themselves because they're too afraid of being uninteresting. At the heart of it, she doesn't love herself, and there isn't much anyone else can do to fix that.

That's literally what I was trying to say. It's those "awkward" years where you aren't exactly a kid anymore, but you're definitely not a fully grown adult yet either. You're stuck in limbo, wondering if you should be the straight-A student or just drink and hang out while you still have the chance.
For me, it finally clicked maybe a year or two ago, right when I turned eighteen. I tried everything—broke up with a guy I'd been with for almost three years, started listening to totally different music, tried dressing more maturely, changed how I acted... but then I kind of just drifted back to my old self (well, except for the boyfriend part). 😁

Hannah Castillo said:You're right... I don't think she'll ever stop. She's too smart for her own good, and she's buried herself so deep in lies that she probably can't tell truth from fiction anymore. I honestly don't get how someone can lie to their friends' faces after all these years...
There's nothing I can do here. I have to let her deal with her own mess.
It's pathetic.

The issue with chronic lying is that once someone spends enough time deceiving others, they eventually start believing their own stories. They effectively sabotage their own psyche, which feels like a sort of poetic justice. 😁
It's a psychological phenomenon; maintaining a lie is incredibly taxing, so the mind starts embracing the falsehood just to lighten the mental load.
Once she begins to believe the things she's saying, it becomes difficult to claim she's actually lying—because even if the facts don't align with reality, in her own mind, it's the absolute truth.

That’s why some people can be so "unscrupulous"; they aren't performing a charade anymore, they're living in their own version of the truth. 😢

So there's nothing I can do here... I suppose I just have to let her deal with this mess on her own.
It's tragic.

Unfortunately, yes. We're talking about the entire architecture of her self-image. To confront her directly and force her to face those lies would be like pushing someone out of a plane without a parachute—the fallout could be catastrophic.
She has to learn to accept who she really is and find a way to live with herself. And that is never a simple task.

slypuma17 said:The issue with chronic lying is that once someone spends enough time deceiving others, they eventually start believing their own stories. They effectively sabotage their own psyche, which feels like a sort of poetic justice. 😁
It's a psychological phenomenon; maintaining a lie is incredibly taxing, so the mind starts embracing the falsehood just to lighten the mental load.
Once she begins to believe the things she's saying, it becomes difficult to claim she's actually lying—because even if the facts don't align with reality, in her own mind, it's the absolute truth.

That’s why some people can be so "unscrupulous"; they aren't performing a charade anymore, they're living in their own version of the truth. 😢

So there's nothing I can do here... I suppose I just have to let her deal with this mess on her own.
It's tragic.

Unfortunately, yes. We're talking about the entire architecture of her self-image. To confront her directly and force her to face those lies would be like pushing someone out of a plane without a parachute—the fallout could be catastrophic.
She has to learn to accept who she really is and find a way to live with herself. And that is never a simple task.

It’s pathetic. She’s dug such a deep hole for herself that she won't be able to climb out. 😢
I almost feel bad for her, though she certainly earned this. People have plenty of opinions about me, good and bad, but I’m not going to spend my life fabricating a persona just to please them.
Anyway, I just hope one day she realizes what she's done...

To claim something is true means we’re deciding that’s just how it is; if we stay positive regardless of what any other data might suggest, then maybe our prayers will actually be answered. Truth is really just whatever we choose to believe and speak into existence.

Honestly, who cares what everyone else thinks? Half the time we don't even know our own minds, and let's face it, we have zero control over other people's opinions anyway.

Hannah Castillo said:I'm not quite sure which sub this belongs in, but this felt like the right spot...

I have a friend. She’s always been a genuinely good person—straight-A student, reliable, polite, organized, you name it.
Then, during her sophomore year of high school, it was like she just grew tired of being seen as the "good girl." Suddenly, she started fabricating this persona of a wild party girl who lives for the nightlife.
Out of nowhere, she starts claiming she’s slept with dozens of guys, lost her virginity at twelve, went on trips to Europe with some guy when she was ten, or tells these elaborate lies about getting proposed to last Valentine's Day. She talks about partying every weekend and drinking constantly. Everyone knows it's nonsense, but nobody wants to be the jerk who calls her out, so we all just let the lies slide. We haven't even met any of the "friends" she claims to hang out with, despite us all being close for four years now.
She’s 18 and a half now.
I don't get the motivation. What’s wrong with being seen as a responsible, decent person? Have we really reached a point where you have to pretend to be a reckless hedonist just to feel accepted?

Whenever she starts spinning these yarns, I just ignore it and change the subject. I've noticed it's grating on our other friends too, and they're starting to tune her out. But she won't stop; she finds a way to bring up sex or something equally desperate almost every single day.

What do you all think? How can I make her realize how exhausting this is without having to be brutally blunt about what I actually think of her?

Sounds like someone with zero substance.😂😂

Hannah Castillo said:I'm not quite sure which sub this belongs in, but this felt like the right spot...

I have a friend. She’s always been a genuinely good person—straight-A student, reliable, polite, organized, you name it.
Then, during her sophomore year of high school, it was like she just grew tired of being seen as the "good girl." Suddenly, she started fabricating this persona of a wild party girl who lives for the nightlife.
Out of nowhere, she starts claiming she’s slept with dozens of guys, lost her virginity at twelve, went on trips to Europe with some guy when she was ten, or tells these elaborate lies about getting proposed to last Valentine's Day. She talks about partying every weekend and drinking constantly. Everyone knows it's nonsense, but nobody wants to be the jerk who calls her out, so we all just let the lies slide. We haven't even met any of the "friends" she claims to hang out with, despite us all being close for four years now.
She’s 18 and a half now.
I don't get the motivation. What’s wrong with being seen as a responsible, decent person? Have we really reached a point where you have to pretend to be a reckless hedonist just to feel accepted?

Whenever she starts spinning these yarns, I just ignore it and change the subject. I've noticed it's grating on our other friends too, and they're starting to tune her out. But she won't stop; she finds a way to bring up sex or something equally desperate almost every single day.

What do you all think? How can I make her realize how exhausting this is without having to be brutally blunt about what I actually think of her?

Just tell her exactly what's on your mind.
reality check — total attention seeker 😈

Hannah Castillo said:I'm not quite sure which sub this belongs in, but this felt like the right spot...

I have a friend. She’s always been a genuinely good person—straight-A student, reliable, polite, organized, you name it.
Then, during her sophomore year of high school, it was like she just grew tired of being seen as the "good girl." Suddenly, she started fabricating this persona of a wild party girl who lives for the nightlife.
Out of nowhere, she starts claiming she’s slept with dozens of guys, lost her virginity at twelve, went on trips to Europe with some guy when she was ten, or tells these elaborate lies about getting proposed to last Valentine's Day. She talks about partying every weekend and drinking constantly. Everyone knows it's nonsense, but nobody wants to be the jerk who calls her out, so we all just let the lies slide. We haven't even met any of the "friends" she claims to hang out with, despite us all being close for four years now.
She’s 18 and a half now.
I don't get the motivation. What’s wrong with being seen as a responsible, decent person? Have we really reached a point where you have to pretend to be a reckless hedonist just to feel accepted?

Whenever she starts spinning these yarns, I just ignore it and change the subject. I've noticed it's grating on our other friends too, and they're starting to tune her out. But she won't stop; she finds a way to bring up sex or something equally desperate almost every single day.

What do you all think? How can I make her realize how exhausting this is without having to be brutally blunt about what I actually think of her?

She's way too young—she's still in that phase where she's basically just molding her entire personality around whatever she thinks is "trendy" at the moment. Either she'll start chasing guys because she saw some influencer post about how that makes you "cool," or eventually, reality will set in and she'll finally grasp the importance of just being herself.

Matthew Brown60 said:Sounds like someone with zero substance.😂😂

Honestly, I'd much rather be that than a complete moron like you.☕