Selfishness, dissatisfaction, genetics, or something else?

hiddenhawk3 said:Well, maybe they should just discipline him 🙂 There isn't much choice—you have to set boundaries, rules, rewards, and consequences. Being consistent is the big thing; you actually have to show some backbone.
But from the way you're describing things, it doesn't seem like they actually want to change how they treat him, which means he won't change either. They’d rather just stay stuck in this loop. I know it's easier that way, but if they really care about him, they should try to 😉
Change. I guess Mom and Dad should probably act like parents instead of just being friends.

Jason Sanchez3 said:haha, I'm pushing the one person I can, but the others just won't listen...
her health has totally tanked because of him... she just keeps giving and giving and giving...

It's a vicious cycle with no easy exit, but something has to change... I just don't feel like it's my place to tell her how to raise her kids😢... I don't know... maybe I'll check out some books and grab her something...

hiddenhawk3 said:no offense, but she's part of the problem too, 😢

hollowgardener7 said:You claim he grew up without any authority figures, yet some people suggest trying to discipline him now that he's 27. I believe that is impossible. It is simply too late. If anyone attempts to change their behavioral approach toward him now, he will likely react with hysteria or even aggression. That would only deepen existing family tensions and spiral into a much more serious pathology.

You also mentioned that this lack of boundaries stems from a specific tragedy within the family. Does this imply he lost his father? You haven't mentioned a father figure, but when you say he lacked authority growing up, perhaps that tragedy is the reason. It is possible his mother tried to play both roles, treating him like a "poor child" who deserved to have every whim catered to.

Does he hold any professional titles or degrees? How satisfied is he with his life and his supposed "achievements"? Furthermore, does his behavior extend to his romantic life, and how does he actually conduct himself with women?

hollowgardener7 said:You claim he grew up without any authority figures, yet some people suggest trying to discipline him now that he's 27. I believe that is impossible. It is simply too late. If anyone attempts to change their behavioral approach toward him now, he will likely react with hysteria or even aggression. That would only deepen existing family tensions and spiral into a much more serious pathology.

You also mentioned that this lack of boundaries stems from a specific tragedy within the family. Does this imply he lost his father? You haven't mentioned a father figure, but when you say he lacked authority growing up, perhaps that tragedy is the reason. It is possible his mother tried to play both roles, treating him like a "poor child" who deserved to have every whim catered to.

Does he hold any professional titles or degrees? How satisfied is he with his life and his supposed "achievements"? Furthermore, does his behavior extend to his romantic life, and how does he actually conduct himself with women?

hollowgardener7 said:Of course. Absolutely.
That is how it always works.

Jason Sanchez3 said:yeah

he's got a great job, tons of talent, an awesome girlfriend, and amazing friends... everyone loves him.

but he's always dramatic. he insists his life is a disaster because everyone else is an idiot and nothing matters. he plays the victim and tells lies that he actually believes himself.

he's only good to his friends, though. he'd do anything for them... and they have no clue who he really is.

hollowgardener7 said:Hmm, this seems strange to me.

If he treats his friends well and would do anything for them, then he isn't purely selfish or negative. Furthermore, you say "everyone loves him." I do not understand the claim that they "have no idea who he really is." They have their own relationships with him, likely spanning years, where they have had ample opportunity to know his true character. It is unlikely that everyone is wrong or has misjudged him. People do not love someone for no reason. It is impossible for everyone to be fooled by a mask indefinitely. You can deceive one person, but you cannot deceive a whole group forever.

It seems to me that his pathology is strictly limited to his relationship with his mother at home. This does not mean she is entirely right, though to you—I am certain—she appears to be a martyr who gave everything while the "villain" treats her poorly.

If something bothers him this much, he could simply move out, regardless of his income. However, I find it hard to believe he is such a negative person if his friends consider him a good man and love him. It appears he only enjoys old conflicts. His pathology lies within the family dynamic. He holds a grudge against her, and clearly, both she and his immediate family trigger him. The healthiest solution would be to end the situation, move out, or attempt an honest conversation with her. Though, just as it is difficult for him to change, I suspect it might be even harder for her to change her behavior.

One can never truly know what has transpired between them.
An outside observer often reaches incorrect conclusions. I am not saying his mother is at fault, but she may have unintentionally made mistakes over time, leading to this deep bitterness.

hiddenhawk3 said:I don't see the point in judging people like that... someone's 27 and living with their parents. Not everyone starts out with the same deck of cards, the same jobs, or the same income. I guess there isn't really one universal rule for how long you're supposed to stay at home.😢

I guess I agree. You can't really act surprised when people start acting crazy in other areas, too.

I mean, unemployment is through the roof, we’re living in tiny towns, and yet everyone feels the need to own the latest iPhone and a massive Samsung TV. It's no wonder people are still living with their parents well into their 40s. I guess that's just how it works now. 🤣

Jason Sanchez3 said:That's exactly my point. If you're making less than $3,000 a month, there aren't many places to go... It's fine if he gets married, but how is someone supposed to cover rent or a car payment when they're barely scraping by for groceries and utilities?

He's got money, sure, but he's lucky. Honestly, anyone would stay put if they had a mom as amazing as his...

Jerry Martinez5 said:Exactly. If someone is pulling in $1000, it’s pretty obvious they aren't ironing their own shirts; they just let Mom handle it.

😵

He probably has enough for $67 an iron and $33 monthly electric bills, but why bother paying for either when Mom is such a "saint"?

And if Mom is doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and everything else for her 27-year-old "baby"—and maybe even tossing him a few bucks here and there—it’s no surprise the kid treats her like garbage. Why wouldn't he? He gets away with everything.

Based on this, the mom sounds incredibly possessive. Not exactly a glowing review.

Jason Sanchez3 said:She isn't being possessive at all, nor is she giving him money. He earns plenty—by American standards, he actually makes quite a bit—but she secretly wishes he'd move out, she just can't bring herself to say it...

Okay, sure, she made some mistakes because she wanted to give them everything, but if I could pick my parents, I'd choose someone just like her... and honestly, it's because of her that my husband turned out 👍
He's been cooking since he was 16 and does everything himself, always helping everyone... same kind of parents... just goes to show upbringing isn't everything...
The woman gets a 10/10. From wanting to understand them to showing interest in their lives, being open, easygoing, and helpful whenever needed... everything.
She's nothing like other women... not controlling, not jealous, and definitely not possessive...

Zachary Scott67 said:From what I'm gathering, your husband is the brother of that "problematic" one?
You're saying Mom feels awkward telling him to move out? She needs to suck it up and tell him; she should tell him she's overwhelmed, stressed, exhausted, and dealing with health issues—that she has a right to peace in her own home... and that she wants him to have his own peace and independence too, since he's an adult and needs to find his own apartment.

Even without all that, there are plenty of laundromats and dry cleaners in Washington, D.C. to go to—let him take his clothes there and pay for it out of his own pocket. She needs to drop those "housekeeper" duties first, and then the next time he gets disrespectful, let him know she's done with his crap and show him the door.

Jason Sanchez3 said:Man, if only it were that simple... it really isn't. She still thinks it's his house too, so she feels like she can't kick him out...

He actually pulled some nonsense on me recently, and when she found out, she got into it with him about it... but then she ended up apologizing to *me* for how he was acting. It's just pointless. A total vicious cycle.

Zachary Scott67 said:You're gonna lose if you try to take him on. The guy is clearly a master manipulator—you'll just end up getting burned. And Mom? She’s always going to side with him, mark my words. She'll act all awkward around you and apologize, sure, but nothing "real" will ever change. She'll always stick by her little boy; it’s easier for her to let you get hurt than to deal with him...

So, bottom line: the house is his, Mom is his, and he's got all the freedom in the world to act out. Your only real move is to decide that if that's how it is, you aren't stepping foot in that house anymore. If you actually want to see your future mother-in-law, you meet her for coffee or invite her over to yours. You tell her straight up that her son is way too much drama—too rude and disrespectful for you to sit there and let him mess with your head or treat you like garbage.

Zachary Scott67 said:So what’s your guy saying about all this? Like, why he acts the way he does? Does he think it’s just his personality—or maybe some weird upbringing or life stuff making him different from everyone else?

You mentioned his brother is close to him, so—maybe he doesn't really care about any of this drama? How does he actually treat his brother, then?

Zachary Scott67 said:Look, the "kid" is clearly just overcompensating—he can't handle his own frustrations. I say "kid" because he's the younger brother, not because of his height, and honestly, he just refuses to grow up. He won't drive his mom to the ER because he can't face the reality that she’s sick, or worse, that he might lose her—and if he does, he loses his status as the "baby" forever. So he digs his heels in and plays dumb about the whole thing. It sounds twisted, I know, but go talk to a therapist—they'll tell you it's textbook.

Ever since their dad passed, he probably got a ton of attention from his mom and brother, but in his head, it’s still never enough. He’s constantly fishing for it, using whatever works in the moment—whether it's being charming and helpful or just being a total jerk and acting out.

I wonder if there's anyone left in that family with enough backbone—an uncle or some older relative—who could actually sit him down man-to-man. Someone to look him in the eye and explain that he’s an adult now, and people expect actual responsibility from him, not this spoiled child act where he sulks over stuff that happened years ago. (And yeah, he feels cheated because he grew up without a father, but nobody did that on purpose, and everyone else in the family suffered just as much—if not more—than he did... and now they're suffering even more because of him).