What should I do? My brother is involved in illegal activities

We were both still in elementary school when this whole homework situation went down. I honestly thought I was doing him a favor by stepping in, especially since he hadn't even started writing and class was set to begin in twenty minutes.

shadowtrucker18 said:I mean, why even bother stopping there? You could just take his clothes, leave him to deal with the cold water, and let the frost take its course...

It seems to me you raised a fool, and now that you're stuck with one, you're suddenly complaining about the results. 😕

Well, isn't that just wonderful. ☕

Yeah. Just like kicking a dealer out of your house—that's exactly what needs to happen.

You think this is just about someone nursing an inferiority complex?

Nah. Look, old friend, we're just rationalizing everything at this point.

Caring about a criminal is basically just being an accomplice.

If he’s going to take this all the way to the end... does he really have to drag his whole family down with him?

Look, if we’re talking about my kid getting mixed up in this kind of business, I’d pack my bags and walk out the door right now. It wouldn't be because I'm being petty or trying to save face for me and my husband—it would be purely to keep them safe. I'm doing it for their own good, plain and simple.

Look, kicking your own kid out isn't easy. It eats at you. But sometimes you just have to do what needs to be done. If you keep coddling them, you’re just raising someone who won't be able to stand on their own two feet when life actually gets heavy. You can't let them grow up to be helpless.

Brandon Sullivan5 said:I’ve also given serious thought to kicking him out—just turning my back on him to see if it shakes him up a bit. But I worry that instead of stepping up, he might just dig his heels in even deeper, adopting that "I don't need anyone, I can take care of myself" attitude. It’s possible this entire situation is a reaction to losing his safety net; once his student benefits expired, he hit a wall. He hasn't passed a single class in two years, and with only a couple of exams left, he’s just stalling. Now that he’s been told plainly that enough is enough—that he either finishes his degree or finds a job because he shouldn't be living rent-free indefinitely—he's acting out like this. The thing is, I can't just evict him since he has rights to the apartment, and he’s incredibly sharp; he has a way of twisting every conversation to suit his own interests.

To be fair, he isn't a bad person at heart. He’s actually quite kind-hearted and sensitive, so you have to tread lightly around him. He’s always there for people and has a huge circle of friends, but it feels like he’s just terrified of facing the real world. To the outside observer, he puts on this tough guy persona, but internally, he knows right from wrong. He’s aware when he’s failing. For instance, there have been several times when he saw men harassing their girlfriends in public, and he was always the one insisting we step in to help. One time, a guy was aggressively tailgating someone in a car, and my brother actually rushed toward them, calling for his girlfriend to come over to join us—four strong guys against one person, the guy wouldn't have stood a chance. But she refused to help and just got in the car with the guy instead, leaving my brother absolutely shaken by how much he had worried about her. He truly is a good person, but he gets caught up in these messes because, in my opinion, he panics whenever he feels like he might fail at something. He then tries to mask that insecurity by acting tough. I need to find a way to help him redirect that drive for validation into something productive before it's too late.

Regarding those types of situations, yesterday when his mother refused to let him go, he snapped and said, "You have no idea what kind of people they are, I have to handle this." We were absolutely terrified. I was scared that the argument would escalate into something reckless, like him spiraling into a drinking binge and not making it home until dawn, which has happened so many times before. However, he actually made it back within an hour.

He won't discuss these matters with me; it’s almost as if he’s ashamed in my presence. He views my moral compass as naive, even going so far as to criticize a girl he felt sorry for, implying she wasn't as "good" as I am. He talks to his mother, though. Perhaps I should write him a letter and explain everything, even apologizing if I feel I’ve intruded on his personal struggles.

You definitely played a part in his struggles... let's be real here...
Your brother loves playing the big man in front of others... that's why he wants to play the hero and save the girl in front of everyone... he needs that hero complex... which isn't necessarily a bad trait... but it's messy because he doesn't actually know what he's doing... saving people is noble, but associating with the mob? That's a dark path...
...You and his mom need to tell him that he needs to start "saving" you guys from his outbursts, his failed classes, and his drinking... Tell him that you, and his late father, would be so proud of him when he wanted to help that girl, back when he was focused on his studies and living a decent life... but that this current path—failing out, drinking, hanging with shady characters—makes you feel ashamed of him and yourselves... and that his father would surely feel the same... he wouldn't want to see his son acting like this... he would have expected him to be a real, responsible man, not some errand boy for criminals...
...And tell him straight up: you aren't going to sit by and watch him ruin his life with that crowd. Tell him you'll call the police on those guys and on him if you have to... better to deal with it now than wait until he loses his life over a few bucks.

Look, you should report him even if he’s your brother. It might feel harsh, but honestly? It’s for his own good.

We’ve tried just about everything. Trying to shame him back into line would only end up hurting his feelings, which doesn't help anyone. There have been several nights where he’s just sat here at home, drinking and breaking down after some strangers told him they used to know his father and what a good man he was. He can't seem to shake that feeling; it's like he's carrying this massive weight that nobody ever asked him to shoulder. About six years ago, he hit a rough patch similar to this and managed to pull himself out on his own. Once, he even lost his temper and lashed out at the wrong person because he thought some jerk was calling him with a shady job offer, when in reality, it was someone else offering him a legitimate opportunity. He’s also taken care of people who were bad influences on him in the past. At the end of the day, we can't force an adult to change their ways; usually, they find their own footing eventually. But if what he's involved in is actually illegal, I'm worried that getting caught up in the legal system will only make things worse by attracting even more lowlifes to his doorstep.

He mentioned something yesterday, though we aren't entirely sure of the specifics. It sounds like he borrowed some money and now might have to go see certain people to settle the debt, but honestly, I don't know the full story.

To me, what he said feels like a cry for help—an invitation for us to step in and pull him away from this situation. I spoke with him today and told him straight: if he’s doing something wrong, all he's doing is digging his own grave. He insisted that nothing could hurt him, but I offered my support regardless. I told him to just let us know what we can do to help him get out of this before he gets too deep in the mud, and to think about what he actually wants for his future, promising that we'll stand behind him and help him reach those goals. He’s the only one who can make that call. When he truly sets his mind to something, though, he becomes incredibly driven; he’ll spend days on end working toward a goal without even stopping to sleep.

Brandon Sullivan5 said:I honestly don't know what to do, what to say to him, or even who to turn to for help.
Instead of actually starting his career, he’s gotten himself tangled up in some shady dealings with people you definitely don't want to mess with. I confronted him about it, and he just brushed me off, claiming it has nothing to do with us—which, as you can imagine, is incredibly hard to swallow. We've always been an educated, principled family; we're honest people, and this kind of behavior is completely foreign to our values. He’s a good person at heart, but when it comes to standing up for what's right, he’s a coward.

Man, if he could find me a way to make some quick cash, I’d be right there with him! Let the hungry guys work!🤣🤣