Narcissistic tendencies: Yes or No?

Hey everyone, I have a poll for you—one that’s actually pretty big for me personally. Please read through my situation carefully and give me your honest take. Tell me how you feel or walk me through your logic. I really need some perspective here. 👍

So, here’s what happened. I was messaging this woman online recently, trying to see if we were actually compatible on an emotional and mental level. During our chat, she started opening up about herself. In an effort to be totally transparent, she said something like this:

I’m terrified of getting older. I’m scared I won’t be attractive or desirable in ten years. Every single day, I find myself studying my own reflection in the mirror. Every little line makes me feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I read those words a few times, and my gut immediately told me she was a narcissist. My intuition said her struggles with men stem from being too in love with herself and that relentless pursuit of perfection in her own reflection... So, I called her out on it. I wasn't trying to be mean, but I did challenge her views directly.

She got pissed and cut all contact. Honestly, the fact that she stopped talking to me didn't bother me much, but it stung when she called me conceited and said I completely misread her. She demanded to know why I labeled her a narcissist when she doesn't feel that way and never once explicitly referred to herself using that term. 🙄

The question is: was my assessment objective? Did I make the right call based on what she wrote, or is she right—was I too harsh in judging her based on what she presented as total honesty? 🤷

Ronald Rogers27

I see these elderly people—wrinkled, weathered, far from beautiful—yet they still kiss and show genuine affection despite how they look. I haven’t experienced a love like that myself, so I can't truly wrap my head around it. It feels surreal even typing this... but the point is, there's something deeper than just physical appearance at play here. In short, I think you made the right call. If she was bold enough to send something that foolish to a stranger during a conversation that should have been filled with tension and intrigue—because let’s be honest, nobody wants a message from a stranger pointing out wrinkles or the inevitability of aging—then imagine how much she'll nag you about it if you ever actually end up in a relationship...

I'm not sure exactly how old she is, though I'd guess she's a bit older, but if someone at her age relies solely on their looks—something we younger folks get a pass on—and that reliance leads to a total nervous breakdown, then clearly she has nothing else to offer. That makes it terrifyingly likely she'll lose that one thing, too.

Just a heads-up: she’s in her 30s, and I’m over 40, so we’re both well into adulthood here. She’s incredibly sharp, has tons of life experience, and isn't afraid to show emotion. Honestly, I’d bet she’s gorgeous. She’s well-educated too, always looking to learn more, and really makes an effort to stay positive and forward-thinking... 🙂

Look, honesty matters to both of us, which is why a lot of what you said just doesn't ring true, Anthony Morgan6.

Still, I appreciate you getting back to me. 👍

Ronald Rogers27

She strikes me more as someone struggling with deep insecurity rather than being a true narcissist. It feels like she’s terrified that once her looks fade in a decade or so, she won't be considered "worthy" of love anymore. Of course, that's just my take. It’s nearly impossible to truly judge someone based on just a few sentences. 🙂

I have a certain respect for her honesty—really, I do—but if a girl started coming at me with all that talk about having acne, hating her teeth, or whatever else, most guys would probably lose interest. I’ve never had much patience for insecurity or that constant, subtle fishing for compliments. Honestly, you just tell her, "You aren't old, you don't have breakouts, and your teeth look great," and call it a day... everything stays happy. I just don't understand why anyone spends their life staring into a mirror or obsessing over wrinkles—which, let's face it, are just an inevitable part of being alive...

I suspect you might be acting out of a certain level of egoism and narcissism, if I may say so☕

mistybison said:She strikes me more as someone struggling with deep insecurity rather than being a true narcissist. It feels like she’s terrified that once her looks fade in a decade or so, she won't be considered "worthy" of love anymore. Of course, that's just my take. It’s nearly impossible to truly judge someone based on just a few sentences. 🙂

Well, I have to agree. I don't think I would ever characterize a narcissist as someone who actually calls themselves ugly or admits to being afraid, at least not right off the bat.

It isn’t necessarily a display of narcissism—not always, anyway. It could just be someone dealing with neurotic tendencies... plus, let’s be honest, we all have a bit of narcissism in us; some people are just better at hiding it than others. And when it comes to aging? Every woman fears it.

Every woman bristles at wrinkles, or pretends she doesn't notice them. It's an external pressure we're forced to deal with, and frankly, it's hard to swallow. Hollywood is nothing if not narcissistic—just look at them. Why should us mere mortals be any different when it comes to the signs of aging?
Ronald Rogers27: I think you're jumping to conclusions. Let's start with some honesty.

I’m sitting this one out because it isn't that simple. She’s definitely narcissistic, sure, but honestly? I think she just lacks self-confidence. It feels like her entire brain is occupied by trivial nonsense that shouldn't matter in her thirties. Let's be real—most women have always dealt with massive insecurities about their looks; some just hide it better than others. There’s also this pervasive social cliché that holds a grain of truth if you're only looking at surface level: that women hit their peak desirability around 35, while men don't really start their prime until they're well into their thirties. These kinds of societal stereotypes just breed misery. Most girls I know are convinced they’ll be totally washed up by 40, so they spend their twenties just trying to live it up before the clock runs out.
The whole thing seems pretty stupid to me. You approached her the wrong way and judged her without any real justification. Look, if you were going to say something like that to her, you could have handled it with much more grace. She opened up to you about her fears, not her narcissism, and now she feels betrayed because if she can't trust you with her vulnerabilities, who can she trust? You basically took someone who was already struggling and made them feel even worse. You could have just kept it simple, given her a compliment, and told her she looked great.

mistybison said:She strikes me more as someone struggling with deep insecurity rather than being a true narcissist. It feels like she’s terrified that once her looks fade in a decade or so, she won't be considered "worthy" of love anymore. Of course, that's just my take. It’s nearly impossible to truly judge someone based on just a few sentences. 🙂

I'm with you there. I actually feel bad for women like that—people who achieve so much in life, yet still let themselves be judged solely by their physical appearance.

A narcissist? From what I gather, narcissists believe they are perfection. 🤷 And they think they'll stay that way forever. Of course, they'll never admit they're narcissists—just like egomaniacs won't admit they're egomaniacs. Or people who are too blunt will never admit they're blunt. Like you. But hey, it’s not all bad. Some people just can't handle it.

And it's a shame you went off on her so fast—especially after only a few lines of chatting online. She probably snapped back, too; that’s usually a sign that both sides have finally opened up. It's a pity it ended like that, because building that kind of trust is actually worth something.

I’ll try to address everyone’s thoughts here. My girlfriend has spent some serious time analyzing my @ve and concluded that I just don't "get" her. She’s convinced I’m completely misinterpreting her words, even when she thinks she's being perfectly clear and serious.

But if she’s being so incredibly sincere about herself, how am I supposed to make sense of this sentence: "Every single line brings me to a state on the verge of a nervous breakdown."

Think about it... A state on the verge of a nervous breakdown! What does that say about someone who starts sharing their deepest truths and then UNCONSCIOUSLY writes something like that about themselves?

It makes me wonder: what is still pushing her toward a total breakdown? Just think. Based on everything she’s written, there's no doubt she’s highly intelligent, strong, and actively working to overcome her weaknesses.

Can a person really move past their core flaws if every little struggle sends them right to the edge of a breakdown?🤷

I don't know. Like shadowtrucker18 said, maybe I am being selfish in how I look at this. I'm definitely not a narcissist, but I won't get sidetracked trying to prove that—it's not the point.

Two other things jump out at me from all this: she has a very short fuse in a relationship, and she sees the world in pretty black-and-white terms—though her education and upbringing probably mask that. At least, that's how it looks to me from a distance.

The whole reason I started this thread is to hear your take. Am I overthinking this? Is my intuition too aggressive or too fast when it comes to analyzing things and making decisions?🤷 🤷 🤷

Ronald Rogers27

You really missed the mark on this one, my friend, you truly did! Tell me, did she ever actually ask for your medical opinion or try to get you to play therapist during any part of your conversations? And yet, out of nowhere, you just decided to hand out a diagnosis like it was nothing.😁

It’s pretty obvious that this woman is struggling with her self-esteem when she cares that much about what everyone else thinks, right? So when she gets hit hard by those feelings and you turn around and label her a narcissist, how could she not be furious? She has every right to be upset! If you ask me, you completely misread the room and handled the whole situation all wrong. Someone who is feeling that vulnerable and fragile needs a person in their corner who will constantly lift them up and boost their confidence, but instead, you did the exact opposite.

Man, being called a narcissist just for that... It’s true that a lot of women dread getting older. Saying it's pushing her toward a nervous breakdown might be a bit much—okay, maybe a slight overreaction—but when you're constantly bombarded with all those negative stereotypes about aging, and if you actually start believing them, then yeah, that next chapter isn't exactly something you're rushing toward.
Besides, most people are terrified of uncertainty and change in general, and aging is basically the ultimate unknown. If you ran a poll, I bet you'd find plenty of folks who are scared of growing old. Calling that narcissism feels a bit off.😲

"I am Ronald Rogers27, and Ronald Rogers27 is perfection."
And then everyone else acts all self-important—meanwhile, you’re over here playing the humble martyr.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you're being pathetic.

Ronald Rogers27 said:I’ll try to address everyone’s thoughts here. My girlfriend has spent some serious time analyzing my @ve and concluded that I just don't "get" her. She’s convinced I’m completely misinterpreting her words, even when she thinks she's being perfectly clear and serious.

But if she’s being so incredibly sincere about herself, how am I supposed to make sense of this sentence: "Every single line brings me to a state on the verge of a nervous breakdown."

Think about it... A state on the verge of a nervous breakdown! What does that say about someone who starts sharing their deepest truths and then UNCONSCIOUSLY writes something like that about themselves?

It makes me wonder: what is still pushing her toward a total breakdown? Just think. Based on everything she’s written, there's no doubt she’s highly intelligent, strong, and actively working to overcome her weaknesses.

Can a person really move past their core flaws if every little struggle sends them right to the edge of a breakdown?🤷

I don't know. Like shadowtrucker18 said, maybe I am being selfish in how I look at this. I'm definitely not a narcissist, but I won't get sidetracked trying to prove that—it's not the point.

Two other things jump out at me from all this: she has a very short fuse in a relationship, and she sees the world in pretty black-and-white terms—though her education and upbringing probably mask that. At least, that's how it looks to me from a distance.

The whole reason I started this thread is to hear your take. Am I overthinking this? Is my intuition too aggressive or too fast when it comes to analyzing things and making decisions?🤷 🤷 🤷

Ronald Rogers27

Have you ever heard the term 'drama queen'? 😁 Usually, when a woman wants a bit more attention from a man, she might exaggerate things over something trivial. In those moments, wouldn't a man just pull her close and say, 'Everything will be fine, honey. I love you'? 😁 Women sometimes use these tactics to draw out tenderness from their partners, friends, or others whenever they feel the need. 🙂 Someone else already pointed out that your best move would have been to tell her what a beautiful woman she is and reassure her that she'll be just as attractive to men twenty or thirty years from now. 🙂 That would give her confidence, encouraging her to step closer and open up even more.

One reason she might share these unflattering truths could also be to test you. We all love people when they are sweet, kind, gentle, attentive, warm, smart, and engaging, but we also tend to lose interest when we realize everyone is just human, complete with flaws and unpredictable moods. If she is insecure—which seems likely—perhaps she is revealing her darker side just to see if you can handle it, or if you'll leave the moment you realize she isn't perfect. She may have had difficult experiences and has been hurt by men in the past.

Of course, these are all just theories.

Two other traits seem to emerge from all of this: a short fuse when living with a man and a somewhat black-and-white worldview that is heavily masked by her education and upbringing... At least, that's my impression from a distance.

You simply cannot truly know a person based solely on what they write or say about themselves. The flaw with online dating is that people only see words. Those words can be misused, losing their true meaning, or they can be outright false because the person is hiding behind a screen out of fear. They can create an entirely inaccurate image of who someone really is. From years of experience with online connections, I can only suggest avoiding long periods of just messaging. People should meet in person as soon as possible to spend time together without the biases formed by written words.

The goal of this thread is to hear your thoughts and see if my way of thinking—or perhaps my intuition—is too loud, too fast, or too aggressive when it comes to analyzing situations and making decisions? 🤷🤷 🤷

You didn't give yourself the chance to actually meet her in person, so you're drawing conclusions based on words that might have been used clumsily or perhaps intentionally exaggerated. I believe that's an overstatement.

Ronald Rogers27 said:I’ll try to address everyone’s thoughts here. My girlfriend has spent some serious time analyzing my @ve and concluded that I just don't "get" her. She’s convinced I’m completely misinterpreting her words, even when she thinks she's being perfectly clear and serious.

But if she’s being so incredibly sincere about herself, how am I supposed to make sense of this sentence: "Every single line brings me to a state on the verge of a nervous breakdown."

Think about it... A state on the verge of a nervous breakdown! What does that say about someone who starts sharing their deepest truths and then UNCONSCIOUSLY writes something like that about themselves?

It makes me wonder: what is still pushing her toward a total breakdown? Just think. Based on everything she’s written, there's no doubt she’s highly intelligent, strong, and actively working to overcome her weaknesses.

Can a person really move past their core flaws if every little struggle sends them right to the edge of a breakdown?🤷

I don't know. Like shadowtrucker18 said, maybe I am being selfish in how I look at this. I'm definitely not a narcissist, but I won't get sidetracked trying to prove that—it's not the point.

Two other things jump out at me from all this: she has a very short fuse in a relationship, and she sees the world in pretty black-and-white terms—though her education and upbringing probably mask that. At least, that's how it looks to me from a distance.

The whole reason I started this thread is to hear your take. Am I overthinking this? Is my intuition too aggressive or too fast when it comes to analyzing things and making decisions?🤷 🤷 🤷

Ronald Rogers27

When you meet someone new, it's nearly impossible to build a mental image from scratch. Usually, instead of learning who they actually are through interaction, we do the opposite. We build an imaginary version of them in our heads and then spend our time stripping away anything that doesn't fit that mold. We try to see what we expect to see based on our own biases, past experiences, and desires. To make matters worse, once we think we have someone figured out—even people we know well—we fall into the trap of thinking we can read anyone. But just because you know how a Golden Retriever acts doesn't mean you know how a Poodle will behave.😁

Specifically, when you latch onto her saying she gets "close to a nervous breakdown over wrinkles" (by the way, notice how you twisted her words—she said it brings her to a "state" of a breakdown, but you turned it into an active "it causes" a breakdown), the issue is you don't actually know her logic yet. As politicians would say, "the statement is being taken out of context."
Maybe her version of a "nervous breakdown" isn't the same as yours. For instance, I might say, "that stuff drives me nuts." Someone could assume I'm aggressive or impulsive, but they wouldn't truly understand me until they saw the bigger picture. Right now, they're just seeing what they expect to see.
Why didn't you interpret her comment about wrinkles as a moment of vulnerability? Like an unknown woman opening up to an unknown man, admitting she's a bit vain and afraid of getting old?🤷

edit;
Also, everything Enchi wrote while typing faster than me.👍

Keith Fowler43 said:You really missed the mark on this one, my friend, you truly did! Tell me, did she ever actually ask for your medical opinion or try to get you to play therapist during any part of your conversations? And yet, out of nowhere, you just decided to hand out a diagnosis like it was nothing.😁

It’s pretty obvious that this woman is struggling with her self-esteem when she cares that much about what everyone else thinks, right? So when she gets hit hard by those feelings and you turn around and label her a narcissist, how could she not be furious? She has every right to be upset! If you ask me, you completely misread the room and handled the whole situation all wrong. Someone who is feeling that vulnerable and fragile needs a person in their corner who will constantly lift them up and boost their confidence, but instead, you did the exact opposite.

Did I even ask her to open up about her fears? She just started talking out of nowhere. 🤷

Keith Fowler43 said:You really missed the mark on this one, my friend, you truly did! Tell me, did she ever actually ask for your medical opinion or try to get you to play therapist during any part of your conversations? And yet, out of nowhere, you just decided to hand out a diagnosis like it was nothing.😁

It’s pretty obvious that this woman is struggling with her self-esteem when she cares that much about what everyone else thinks, right? So when she gets hit hard by those feelings and you turn around and label her a narcissist, how could she not be furious? She has every right to be upset! If you ask me, you completely misread the room and handled the whole situation all wrong. Someone who is feeling that vulnerable and fragile needs a person in their corner who will constantly lift them up and boost their confidence, but instead, you did the exact opposite.

She’s got some seriously inflated confidence. Honestly, I think she was born to be a frontman in her real life. I’d even bet money she deals with a bit of a superiority complex. Not that I see anything wrong with it—if anything, it’s actually pretty great. 👍

I’m not going to sit here and complain just because I misread the room. Honestly, I saw this coming from the start. I knew we weren't going to get very far with this situation... all because of her pure intentions. Prejudices. They're everywhere. They mess with how we see people before they even open their mouths. It’s a real problem that gets under my skin. Some things don't really fit this specific thread, but that’s not even my main point here. The whole focus of this discussion is whether my initial assessment in the opening post was right or wrong. 😁

Ronald Rogers27

mistybison said:Have you ever heard the term 'drama queen'? 😁 Usually, when a woman wants a bit more attention from a man, she might exaggerate things over something trivial. In those moments, wouldn't a man just pull her close and say, 'Everything will be fine, honey. I love you'? 😁 Women sometimes use these tactics to draw out tenderness from their partners, friends, or others whenever they feel the need. 🙂 Someone else already pointed out that your best move would have been to tell her what a beautiful woman she is and reassure her that she'll be just as attractive to men twenty or thirty years from now. 🙂 That would give her confidence, encouraging her to step closer and open up even more.

One reason she might share these unflattering truths could also be to test you. We all love people when they are sweet, kind, gentle, attentive, warm, smart, and engaging, but we also tend to lose interest when we realize everyone is just human, complete with flaws and unpredictable moods. If she is insecure—which seems likely—perhaps she is revealing her darker side just to see if you can handle it, or if you'll leave the moment you realize she isn't perfect. She may have had difficult experiences and has been hurt by men in the past.

Of course, these are all just theories.

Two other traits seem to emerge from all of this: a short fuse when living with a man and a somewhat black-and-white worldview that is heavily masked by her education and upbringing... At least, that's my impression from a distance.

You simply cannot truly know a person based solely on what they write or say about themselves. The flaw with online dating is that people only see words. Those words can be misused, losing their true meaning, or they can be outright false because the person is hiding behind a screen out of fear. They can create an entirely inaccurate image of who someone really is. From years of experience with online connections, I can only suggest avoiding long periods of just messaging. People should meet in person as soon as possible to spend time together without the biases formed by written words.

The goal of this thread is to hear your thoughts and see if my way of thinking—or perhaps my intuition—is too loud, too fast, or too aggressive when it comes to analyzing situations and making decisions? 🤷🤷 🤷

You didn't give yourself the chance to actually meet her in person, so you're drawing conclusions based on words that might have been used clumsily or perhaps intentionally exaggerated. I believe that's an overstatement.

Did I mess up just because I was honest? I kept my tone humble and tried to be conciliatory, but now I'm wondering if that was a mistake. 🤷 Probably ( 😕 Would it have been better if I’d just played some shallow, little game? If I had stayed sweet, charming, and warm—keeping up appearances until we hit that point of virtual intimacy where all the masks finally slip? Because once they fall, you see the truth: a fundamental mismatch in how we feel and empathize, driven by totally different emotional weights. Have you even considered that this approach—this way of dealing with painful experiences—is exactly why I’ve been burned so often by women, both online and in my actual life? 😕

I won't even get into my own life story... Honestly, Donna Wood52 has already pointed out exactly how much of a mess I can be! 🤣

mistybison said:Have you ever heard the term 'drama queen'? 😁 Usually, when a woman wants a bit more attention from a man, she might exaggerate things over something trivial. In those moments, wouldn't a man just pull her close and say, 'Everything will be fine, honey. I love you'? 😁 Women sometimes use these tactics to draw out tenderness from their partners, friends, or others whenever they feel the need. 🙂 Someone else already pointed out that your best move would have been to tell her what a beautiful woman she is and reassure her that she'll be just as attractive to men twenty or thirty years from now. 🙂 That would give her confidence, encouraging her to step closer and open up even more.

One reason she might share these unflattering truths could also be to test you. We all love people when they are sweet, kind, gentle, attentive, warm, smart, and engaging, but we also tend to lose interest when we realize everyone is just human, complete with flaws and unpredictable moods. If she is insecure—which seems likely—perhaps she is revealing her darker side just to see if you can handle it, or if you'll leave the moment you realize she isn't perfect. She may have had difficult experiences and has been hurt by men in the past.

Of course, these are all just theories.

Two other traits seem to emerge from all of this: a short fuse when living with a man and a somewhat black-and-white worldview that is heavily masked by her education and upbringing... At least, that's my impression from a distance.

You simply cannot truly know a person based solely on what they write or say about themselves. The flaw with online dating is that people only see words. Those words can be misused, losing their true meaning, or they can be outright false because the person is hiding behind a screen out of fear. They can create an entirely inaccurate image of who someone really is. From years of experience with online connections, I can only suggest avoiding long periods of just messaging. People should meet in person as soon as possible to spend time together without the biases formed by written words.

The goal of this thread is to hear your thoughts and see if my way of thinking—or perhaps my intuition—is too loud, too fast, or too aggressive when it comes to analyzing situations and making decisions? 🤷🤷 🤷

You didn't give yourself the chance to actually meet her in person, so you're drawing conclusions based on words that might have been used clumsily or perhaps intentionally exaggerated. I believe that's an overstatement.

I figured she was never actually going to want to meet up in person. There are certain techniques you can use—sort of like a gut feeling or premonition—to read the room. But she definitely wanted to talk to me. Honestly, I was surprised by how much she truly wanted to get to know me through our chats.

Look, there are probably good reasons for it again, but let's not get sidetracked, ladies. 😉
_______

I wrote these two responses as a reply to everyone. Once again, thank you all for reaching out. Your advice is helping me make sense of what actually went down, especially since I realized I was judging personalities way too fast. 👍

Ronald Rogers27

I suppose it might be best if you just stepped away from the screen for a bit at first... ☕