How to let go of resentment and move past being hurt?

Old question: when friends betray you and you realize they were never actually your friends, how do you move past the hurt and bitterness? How do you stop the urge for revenge and the spiral of self-pity?

I met this guy once when he was going through some stuff. I was there for him, listening to his problems over and over. Then, my own life hit a rough patch, and while he managed to pull through, I stayed stuck. Right around then, he claimed he’d fallen for me. I knew it was a lie—he barely knew me; I was basically just his unpaid therapist. So, I pulled away for a bit. Things kept getting worse for me, and I really needed someone to listen, especially since he had experience with things I thought might help. After a few months, things felt settled enough that I tried talking to him again. It turns out he was just looking out for himself the whole time. When we finally met up in person, his interest vanished instantly (let's just say I'd gained some weight due to the stress). Honestly, I could see the selfish motive behind his "desire to help" all along, even if he denied it, but it still stunned me how little effort he puts in now. Now, he just shrugs and says, "I don't know what I can do to help." And before, I couldn't get him to leave me alone.

The urge for revenge is eating at me, but it's useless. There's nothing I could say that would matter to him, and even if I said the most cutting things possible to hurt him, it wouldn't help me. The bitterness would just stay. I need to let go of this resentment, but I have no idea how. It's especially hard seeing him—the one who used me and hurt me—suddenly having everything go his way, while this was just the final straw for me. Self-pity is setting in too. Why does everything have to turn upside down? Why does it feel like nothing I do matters because he can always twist things against me? I just want to scream to God and the whole world—it isn't fair!!! How do I get rid of this feeling of being wronged?

Why on earth are you the one feeling hurt? Is it because the guy fell for you and you turned him down?

I mean, I guess he's actually the one who should be hurting here. Just think about it for a second.

Jerry Martinez5 said:Why on earth are you the one feeling hurt? Is it because the guy fell for you and you turned him down?

I mean, I guess he's actually the one who should be hurting here. Just think about it for a second.

No, not really. If I had been the one to cut things off, maybe. Even then, he might be sad about the rejection, but not "hurt" in this sense—I never made any promises to him. He was the one promising to help, but it turns out he was only looking out for himself. He got what he wanted, decided he wasn't interested anymore, walked away from the whole situation, and washed his hands of me. It wasn't quite that blunt or callous, but that's essentially what happened. You end up feeling used and cheated.

Sean Doyle4 said:Old question: when friends betray you and you realize they were never actually your friends, how do you move past the hurt and bitterness? How do you stop the urge for revenge and the spiral of self-pity?

I met this guy once when he was going through some stuff. I was there for him, listening to his problems over and over. Then, my own life hit a rough patch, and while he managed to pull through, I stayed stuck. Right around then, he claimed he’d fallen for me. I knew it was a lie—he barely knew me; I was basically just his unpaid therapist. So, I pulled away for a bit. Things kept getting worse for me, and I really needed someone to listen, especially since he had experience with things I thought might help. After a few months, things felt settled enough that I tried talking to him again. It turns out he was just looking out for himself the whole time. When we finally met up in person, his interest vanished instantly (let's just say I'd gained some weight due to the stress). Honestly, I could see the selfish motive behind his "desire to help" all along, even if he denied it, but it still stunned me how little effort he puts in now. Now, he just shrugs and says, "I don't know what I can do to help." And before, I couldn't get him to leave me alone.

The urge for revenge is eating at me, but it's useless. There's nothing I could say that would matter to him, and even if I said the most cutting things possible to hurt him, it wouldn't help me. The bitterness would just stay. I need to let go of this resentment, but I have no idea how. It's especially hard seeing him—the one who used me and hurt me—suddenly having everything go his way, while this was just the final straw for me. Self-pity is setting in too. Why does everything have to turn upside down? Why does it feel like nothing I do matters because he can always twist things against me? I just want to scream to God and the whole world—it isn't fair!!! How do I get rid of this feeling of being wronged?

Things were spiraling downward for me, and I desperately needed someone to listen and lend a hand—someone with the kind of experience I thought might actually help me navigate my own mess.

I need to let go of this resentment, but I’m stuck. It’s especially hard when I see how he just took advantage of me and left me hurt, yet everything seems to be falling perfectly into place for him. For me, it was just the final straw.

So, you were helping him, plain and simple. Was it purely out of the goodness of your heart, or did you have a quiet expectation that he’d return the favor if you ever hit a wall? To me, it looks like there was an unspoken expectation there.
You held onto these hopes without ever voicing them, essentially waiting for him to sense the need and step up, while he operated under the assumption that since you weren't asking for anything, you didn't need anything.

Did he make any promises to repay you? No—at least from what I can gather, please correct me if I've misread the situation.
Did you ask for anything? Not a thing. 🤷

Since there was never a clear "contract" in place that could be breached, calling it exploitation feels like a stretch.
It’s really more about your own perception, driven by those underlying motives you didn't mention.

It’s a bit of a binary, isn't it? Either you give freely with zero expectations and accept that nothing may come back, or you state clearly, "this is a trade," and only then can you claim you've been wronged if the other side fails to deliver. ☕

But pretending to offer unconditional support while secretly tallying up what you're owed—and then getting upset when the balance stays at zero—is a touch hypocritical. Sorry, but that's just the reality of it.

Sean Doyle4 said:No, not really. If I had been the one to cut things off, maybe. Even then, he might be sad about the rejection, but not "hurt" in this sense—I never made any promises to him. He was the one promising to help, but it turns out he was only looking out for himself. He got what he wanted, decided he wasn't interested anymore, walked away from the whole situation, and washed his hands of me. It wasn't quite that blunt or callous, but that's essentially what happened. You end up feeling used and cheated.

Absolutely nobody is worth shedding your tears over, period.
There is an idiot lurking around every corner in this country—don't let them win.

Every single morning, take a moment to say thanks for everything you actually have, remind yourself that you truly don't give a damn about the past, and just keep moving forward!

slypuma17 said:

Things were spiraling downward for me, and I desperately needed someone to listen and lend a hand—someone with the kind of experience I thought might actually help me navigate my own mess.

I need to let go of this resentment, but I’m stuck. It’s especially hard when I see how he just took advantage of me and left me hurt, yet everything seems to be falling perfectly into place for him. For me, it was just the final straw.

So, you were helping him, plain and simple. Was it purely out of the goodness of your heart, or did you have a quiet expectation that he’d return the favor if you ever hit a wall? To me, it looks like there was an unspoken expectation there.
You held onto these hopes without ever voicing them, essentially waiting for him to sense the need and step up, while he operated under the assumption that since you weren't asking for anything, you didn't need anything.

Did he make any promises to repay you? No—at least from what I can gather, please correct me if I've misread the situation.
Did you ask for anything? Not a thing. 🤷

Since there was never a clear "contract" in place that could be breached, calling it exploitation feels like a stretch.
It’s really more about your own perception, driven by those underlying motives you didn't mention.

It’s a bit of a binary, isn't it? Either you give freely with zero expectations and accept that nothing may come back, or you state clearly, "this is a trade," and only then can you claim you've been wronged if the other side fails to deliver. ☕

But pretending to offer unconditional support while secretly tallying up what you're owed—and then getting upset when the balance stays at zero—is a touch hypocritical. Sorry, but that's just the reality of it.

The timeline isn't quite right. When I helped him, I wasn't dealing with my own issues yet. My problems started toward the end of that period. And no, I wasn't looking for a handout back then. It wasn't even on my mind, let alone thinking I'd soon need similar help. I actually cut contact for a while, even though I really needed support during that stretch. The issue was he wouldn't leave me alone, constantly promising "friendship" and help. So, it wasn't that I was ASKING or EXPECTING; I was actually PUSHING him away because I feared exactly what happened. He was the one PROMISES and offering, refusing to let go, talking all about helping a friend. I believed him—well, I always had my doubts—but I needed the help, so I wanted to believe. He made an effort after our break while there was still something in it for him, but once that was gone, he went cold. Damn him for not leaving me alone earlier, or at least for not being subtle about pulling away later. Pure selfishness. You should help people even when they owe you nothing. You know how shitty it feels when someone you helped turns around and treats you like dirt. It makes you feel worthless. On top of everything else I was going through, I didn't need this bitterness. But I guess there's a silver lining. At least venting this will help clear out the anger and frustration that's been building up from everything else.

I need an emoji that's literally shaking and boiling with rage. Maybe this will do.

🙂

George Smith2 said:Absolutely nobody is worth shedding your tears over, period.
There is an idiot lurking around every corner in this country—don't let them win.

Every single morning, take a moment to say thanks for everything you actually have, remind yourself that you truly don't give a damn about the past, and just keep moving forward!

Thanks. In a way, I don't even blame him—well, I’m factoring in mitigating circumstances, because saying he isn't responsible would basically negate free will, which is a big theme in this one book I read. He was deceiving himself quite a bit, too, and he's naturally selfish. Honestly, we all are, but he just took it to another level. Still, I find myself swinging between flashes of rage and bitterness. I'm not even sure what I'm actually mad at—the situation, the whole saga, why things had to go down this way, or why my own problems won't just resolve themselves.

How? By being damn lucky you figured out the truth before they stabbed you in the back at the absolute worst possible moment. For me, my "friends" vanished into thin air the second my mother got seriously ill and I had to step up to take care of her. Not a single one of them even bothered to check in to see if I was still breathing.
Those kinds of reality checks are actually a godsend.
Look forward toward the future and focus on the people who actually earn your love and attention. Everything else is just dead weight from the past that isn't worth a second thought.

When that bitterness starts creeping in, I try reading articles online about letting go. Like this one. It works sometimes, but not always. It passes, but then it just keeps coming back. Especially points 1 and 7. Point one because it’s true, and that’s just not fucking fair. I don't actually want anything bad to happen to him—in fact, I wish him the best—except for those moments when the bitterness takes over and I find myself wanting revenge. I don't want that, and I can't seem to shake it, which feels unfair in itself. I just want to be done with the whole thing and forget it ever happened. And point 7, because my own issues constantly drag the whole story back to the surface. How do you get rid of it all so it stops coming back?

Maybe try thinking about it this way—this isn't some massive, life-defining climax or the core reason you even exist...

It’s just one tiny little nothing (lol) of an incident (lool) that's best used to grab a lesson from. Think of it as Life Lesson No. 22. That way, when it happens again (and trust me, it will, probably plenty of times), you'll actually be ready.

What other issues are you dealing with besides the extra pounds?
Point 7 is just plain stupid if you ask me; keep talking until you’re practically gagging on it, then maybe you'll finally accept that everything is temporary and doesn't matter that much. I'm talking about what lies beyond. You've got plenty of smarter things to focus on in life than some idiot who passed you by in a heartbeat.
Hey, how about using this smiley instead of a furious one:
..... works for me

Sean Doyle4 said:No, not really. If I had been the one to cut things off, maybe. Even then, he might be sad about the rejection, but not "hurt" in this sense—I never made any promises to him. He was the one promising to help, but it turns out he was only looking out for himself. He got what he wanted, decided he wasn't interested anymore, walked away from the whole situation, and washed his hands of me. It wasn't quite that blunt or callous, but that's essentially what happened. You end up feeling used and cheated.

But why do you feel used and cheated? Who actually cheated whom here?

You wrote:

- That you stepped in to help him on your own initiative when he was in trouble.
- That he was circling you, and you turned him down. While he was circling, he "offered help," but what did that even mean?

And now you want to be with him, but he won't have it.

I don't see what's unfair about that. Did you expect to be able to reject him, keep him on ice, and then call him back whenever you felt like it, only to find out that isn't how it works?

He "offered help" hoping to get something from you that you weren't willing to give. He "offered" while he was hoping to score.

If this were some lifelong friendship, I might understand. But here, I think you're just bitter and disappointed about something else entirely. Is it common for people to let you down like this? Does this pattern of feeling "used and cheated" happen to you often?

Sean Doyle4 said:Old question: when friends betray you and you realize they were never actually your friends, how do you move past the hurt and bitterness? How do you stop the urge for revenge and the spiral of self-pity?

I met this guy once when he was going through some stuff. I was there for him, listening to his problems over and over. Then, my own life hit a rough patch, and while he managed to pull through, I stayed stuck. Right around then, he claimed he’d fallen for me. I knew it was a lie—he barely knew me; I was basically just his unpaid therapist. So, I pulled away for a bit. Things kept getting worse for me, and I really needed someone to listen, especially since he had experience with things I thought might help. After a few months, things felt settled enough that I tried talking to him again. It turns out he was just looking out for himself the whole time. When we finally met up in person, his interest vanished instantly (let's just say I'd gained some weight due to the stress). Honestly, I could see the selfish motive behind his "desire to help" all along, even if he denied it, but it still stunned me how little effort he puts in now. Now, he just shrugs and says, "I don't know what I can do to help." And before, I couldn't get him to leave me alone.

The urge for revenge is eating at me, but it's useless. There's nothing I could say that would matter to him, and even if I said the most cutting things possible to hurt him, it wouldn't help me. The bitterness would just stay. I need to let go of this resentment, but I have no idea how. It's especially hard seeing him—the one who used me and hurt me—suddenly having everything go his way, while this was just the final straw for me. Self-pity is setting in too. Why does everything have to turn upside down? Why does it feel like nothing I do matters because he can always twist things against me? I just want to scream to God and the whole world—it isn't fair!!! How do I get rid of this feeling of being wronged?

Wait, let me get this straight... this guy hit on you but you KNEW it wasn't real, so you brushed him off for a while... then in the meantime, you gained some weight and decided to go looking for support from this guy (because he has "experience" 🤣), but then he blew you off, and now you're hurt and wanting payback.
Diagnosis: Your ego is just a little too big, that's all 😁 . This guy isn't the bad guy here.

I don't think he turned her down because she gained weight. It’s more likely he just rejected her after she blew him off back when he was actually head over heels for her. She didn't give a damn about his feelings then, so I guess I don't see why he'd be obligated to cater to her whims now.

I totally agree—it wasn’t about her weight. It was more about how she bruised his ego 😁, so she went running to her "buddies" to get all puffed up about it, and then he just shut her down completely. Now she’s sitting there thinking about getting even.

urbangardener35 said:I totally agree—it wasn’t about her weight. It was more about how she bruised his ego 😁, so she went running to her "buddies" to get all puffed up about it, and then he just shut her down completely. Now she’s sitting there thinking about getting even.

Of course revenge is on her mind. But really, she just feels disappointed and played. She doesn't seem to grasp that this guy isn't her toy; he’s the one who can actually feel slighted here, not her.

I'm honestly curious if she'll even get anything out of our threads. Or will she just keep pretending she was perfect and he's the jerk who screwed her over? 🙄

He doesn't really have any grounds to be acting all hurt
He wasn't even in love with her; he just used her as a crutch to get through his own mess, and she played the part by supporting him
So, her turning down a different relationship didn't actually sting him that much as long as he had that first one—besides, this whole second thing was just some mental trick or a hollow sentiment anyway 😍

And the fact that he ended up rejecting her later...
Well, he just didn't need her anymore, and honestly, why bother playing the therapist or moping about it🤷 when he’s doing just fine and, frankly, he totally screwed it up on his end

It hit her hard, though, and it wouldn't have been easy regardless, but the real kicker is that he kept telling her he loved her, even though she knew better deep down; now she's factoring that in too, and the math just doesn't add up, because it would have been way easier to swallow being rejected by someone she simply helped, rather than someone who went out of their way to claim they were in love with her🙄

Sean Doyle4 said:Old question: when friends betray you and you realize they were never actually your friends, how do you move past the hurt and bitterness? How do you stop the urge for revenge and the spiral of self-pity?

I met this guy once when he was going through some stuff. I was there for him, listening to his problems over and over. Then, my own life hit a rough patch, and while he managed to pull through, I stayed stuck. Right around then, he claimed he’d fallen for me. I knew it was a lie—he barely knew me; I was basically just his unpaid therapist. So, I pulled away for a bit. Things kept getting worse for me, and I really needed someone to listen, especially since he had experience with things I thought might help. After a few months, things felt settled enough that I tried talking to him again. It turns out he was just looking out for himself the whole time. When we finally met up in person, his interest vanished instantly (let's just say I'd gained some weight due to the stress). Honestly, I could see the selfish motive behind his "desire to help" all along, even if he denied it, but it still stunned me how little effort he puts in now. Now, he just shrugs and says, "I don't know what I can do to help." And before, I couldn't get him to leave me alone.

The urge for revenge is eating at me, but it's useless. There's nothing I could say that would matter to him, and even if I said the most cutting things possible to hurt him, it wouldn't help me. The bitterness would just stay. I need to let go of this resentment, but I have no idea how. It's especially hard seeing him—the one who used me and hurt me—suddenly having everything go his way, while this was just the final straw for me. Self-pity is setting in too. Why does everything have to turn upside down? Why does it feel like nothing I do matters because he can always twist things against me? I just want to scream to God and the whole world—it isn't fair!!! How do I get rid of this feeling of being wronged?

Scrawny 🤷

Hey Sandra Parker3, is it just me, or is it actually pretty normal when someone tells you they love you and you just... can't bring yourself to say it back right away? 😁

Nah, not really. Honestly, the only part I took issue with was her saying it would be "for a while." 🤣
I mean, she probably meant "until he gets his act together, sorts out his mess, and processes everything," so she could eventually tell him straight up that she isn't looking for romance—just friendship and being there for him. 😢
But let’s be real... 😲
yeah, right.