silentfalcon6 said:Hey everyone...
I’m honestly sitting here just crying my eyes out and I can't seem to catch my breath... My heart is absolutely racing and I just feel so incredibly helpless right now. I don't even know if there's something wrong with me, like maybe it's my own self-esteem or something, but I'm spiraling. So, my boyfriend invited me to join Facebook, and even though I usually hate all that social media stuff, I kind of got sucked into it and ended up reconnecting with some old friends from high school. But then, while I was scrolling through his profile, I saw this poll he posted where people could vote on whether they'd go out with him or not... As I'm typing this, my heart is practically jumping out of my chest. I seriously cannot believe this! And the worst part? Two people actually voted yes. I’m assuming it was just his female friends voting, because you can't participate unless you're on his list and added as a friend.😢...
I mean, like... wtf??? I have no idea if I should even bring this up to him, or ask him straight out if he did this specifically to make me jealous. Part of me wishes I had never even seen it, wished I hadn't joined Facebook at all, but now this whole thing is just haunting me... Like, someone should just adopt him as a pet or something... and honestly, I get this nagging feeling that he's just desperately fishing for attention from other girls on there... I don't even know what else to think about it all.
1. You say you'd rather not have seen it—but if you actually care about this guy, then that means you want to see everything regarding him, including the things you wish you could have seen sooner, and even those things you *should* see (if they exist). That’s not what you’re saying when you claim "I'd rather not have seen it." If you didn't care about him as a person, then you wouldn't have this desire to remain ignorant of certain details about him. I'm specifying "as a person" because there are different ways to be interested. What you're experiencing (that urge to "not know certain things about someone"—and hey, it's good that you're being honest about it, even if having the urge isn't ideal) is this:
HE doesn't interest you as a person.
Instead, HE interests you as a container—basically a vessel for some sort of "essence" or archetype that you are trying to manifest by searching for a "living host." Think of it like viruses: viruses are essentially "non-living" until they find a host; once they latch onto a living organism, that's when they truly show their nature and start acting actively.
When it comes to something "about someone you care about" that you "don't want to know," it usually boils down to an archetype or some psychological element... basically, when you lose touch with a certain part of your own psyche, you feel compelled to find a container for it, or you end up hallucinating one—in your case, a container. In other words, you subconsciously want someone to play a part for you, quite literally. And to make the performance convincing, you almost have to forget it's just a play; you have to become unaware of the act. You don't *have* to do this, but it's likely what's happening. Why would anyone do this? Because it allows them to (subconsciously) discharge a specific desire. Maybe the unconscious element is crucial here, making it seem like "what is desired" is actually being fulfilled by this "replacement," this actor, so the desire can be released more effectively. It might not be exactly like this in your situation, but let me give you an example:
Someone has (or rather, lacks) an erotic desire for their biological sister.
(There have been much darker desires during wartime—killing a man is worse than this, so there's no need to be too squeamish about my ramblings, much more so than how squeamish people get over Hollywood movies)
Because they lack the courage to act on it directly, or perhaps they feel bad and don't want to do it "the right way" (even if such a desire shouldn't be fulfilled), or maybe they try to sublimate that desire through some sense of "spirituality," or some combination of all those factors and things I haven't even mentioned—that person might do this: they repress that desire by planning for someone else to "act out" the role of the sister for them... essentially wanting someone to play a part, and naturally, wanting to "not see" certain truths about the person playing that role, hoping instead to see certain things (similar to what they see in their sister).
They’ll end up satisfying that craving, sure, but they’ll do it in such a twisted, inappropriate way—honestly, it’s just plain gross... they’ll "fulfill the desire," but if the guy isn't brave enough to actually own it, he'll just settle for being sufficiently cruel instead. The real evil lies in the fact that nobody in the world would ever want to play a part in something like that, and even if some women might actually enjoy that kind of perversion, wouldn't they prefer it if a man was just upfront about it? You know, when he actually asks her to call him certain names or demands she act like "his property."
Take the homosexual version of this perversion, for instance; it's like men agreeing to roleplay as their fathers, grandfathers, or even great-great-great-grandfathers, essentially carrying on the wars those ancestors fought by dressing just like them—being "raised" to perform these roles. There’s no secret there; they know exactly what they’re doing. Fathers don't hide the desire for their sons to turn out exactly like some dead ancestor (you know the type, those toxic fathers), and they'll even praise the boy if they see him inheriting the grandfather's worst flaws, treating those vices as something "good"—something useful for their dirty, underhanded schemes to replace one person with another...
Unfortunately, you don't notice that specific malice or the underlying homosexuality, but you certainly notice the wars that break out because of it, while people go searching for the causes in all the wrong places...
That was just an analogy, really, and I suspect the example you gave is much simpler and far more painful.
Look, I apologize if I'm just rambling on here; I guess anyone who gives this post a careful read—maybe three times over—might be able to make sense of it. If I had more time, I could have made it much clearer.
I won't bother explaining what some of the words I used mean, because there's honestly no point.
You want this guy to play a certain role for you. But he? He wants sincerity from you, though don't mistake that for him wanting what's best for you; he's almost your polar opposite. He just wants to witness your "spontaneous" reactions, so he'll either delight you or irritate you depending on whatever is easiest for him at the moment, all just to provoke some sort of "emotional outburst" from you. He wants to get to know you, but he doesn't care about your well-being; he just wants to "see how you react." He probably thinks you aren't "cool," and... well, if he does happen to feel a spark for YOU specifically in a very clumsy, immature way, he’s going to hide it. He wants you to think you don't interest him at all, while he pretends to be attracted to every other woman out there—which is exactly what he does when he says, "I love all women." Your stories are almost mirrors of each other, which is why you're so drawn together; you both suffer from the same affliction, it's just manifested in opposite ways because your experiences were likely different. So, there really isn't much opposition at all. It’s just that one of you (and I can't know which one, only you know that) is gay, or someone has swapped their sense of sexual identity for another. It's quite possible your guy is actually a "woman at heart," which doesn't mean he can't eventually return to a normal state.
And you'll probably notice various breakouts, marks, or even strange spots on his skin. Most likely patches or some weird pigmentation.
Anyway, that was my attempt at explaining. Tell me if I hit the mark or not. Bye! 😂😁 You'll be fine, don't worry...
