Mom, can I have your blessing to be happy?

Keith Fowler43 said:The most important thing is feeling that sense of progress, don't you think? 🙂

Besides, we've all been through those messy phases with our parents at some point! When I look back at my own situation, I remember coming home stumbling drunk, and she would just start in on me: "You're going to end up just like your grandfather, an alcoholic, you're not right in the head..." blah, blah, blah... Honestly, I used to just tune out those outbursts by telling her, "Hey, stop talking nonsense."😁 Now, I don't even bother telling her where I'm heading or when I'll be back anymore... 😁

That sounds great, but if you don't mind me asking, how old is she actually? And do you tell her everything else besides that😁
?

Christian Sanchez4 said:🤣 I wonder how many parents can actually handle and truly grasp what "open communication" means. 😁 What kind of percentage are we even looking at here? 😁 In my experience, if we are being totally honest, we are talking about a very small group of rare cases.😉

It is quite simply the unfortunate truth. That is precisely why we must hold them accountable for the decisions they have already made, and we should do so with a sense of calm composure. Of course, there are moments when one feels compelled to strike the table with a firm fist just to make a point. They will likely resort to a bit of theatrics—because, let’s be honest, nobody enjoys watching their influence slip away—but eventually, the dust will settle and they will quiet down.

Captain, I'll get back to you with those answers in a little bit, but right now I really have to run! 🙂😉

Paul Morales3 said:Lately, I’ve realized that one of the biggest things holding me back is this nagging sense of guilt because I’m not being the "perfect little girl" my mother expects. She’s drilled her own set of opinions and beliefs so deep into my head that whenever I do something "wrong"—which really just means anything she wouldn't approve of—I feel like a cartoon character pops up in my mind. It’s her face and her voice, staring at me with this look of pure disappointment or judgment. On a conscious level, I know exactly what I’m doing is fine, but subconsciously, it eats at me. 🙂

For instance, I feel like I have to hide the fact that I grab a drink when I go out, mostly because in her mind, having one cocktail is just a slippery slope straight to alcoholism.🙄 Or I have to keep it under wraps when I meet up with people I met online, because if she found out, she’d launch into a lecture about how there's something wrong with me or why I can't find "normal" friends in person.🙄 I realize I can't change her views, and frankly, I don't want to try. 😁

These are just small, everyday examples, but the cumulative weight of it is exhausting; it creates this constant pressure that’s starting to feel like a neurosis. I worry that when I eventually get a boyfriend, I’ll be too hesitant to be intimate because I know I won't get Mom's blessing. Or, if I do, I’ll end up spiraling into guilt because, deep down, I'll feel like I'm doing something shameful. 😵

Sometimes I have to laugh at myself, thinking about that old saying, "God is watching everything, nothing stays hidden," except in my case, it feels like Mom's eyes are everywhere. 🤣

How do I shake this off? Is anyone else dealing with something similar?

*I'm not some kid; I'm 20 🙈, so please don't mistake this for teen drama. 🙂

That’s actually a good way to look at it. Especially since your mom is just doing what she thinks is best for you. 🙂 It’s a completely different story when you view it through your own lens, though, which is probably why it gets under your skin subconsciously. But look, you still have a few years ahead of you, especially if you're sticking with school, to build a relationship with her based on actual trust and being open with one another... Don't sweat it too much, she knows you're becoming an adult, and the only thing that might really shake her confidence in you is if you start acting reckless. But if you stay responsible—and looking at everything you wrote here, I’d say you definitely are—then things should fall into place quite nicely. If not, well, eventually you'll just have to cut that umbilical cord once and for all. 🤷

One more thing, though... nobody hands you a permission slip to be happy. You have to go out and make that happen for yourself. 😉

nimbleharbor13 said:It is quite simply the unfortunate truth. That is precisely why we must hold them accountable for the decisions they have already made, and we should do so with a sense of calm composure. Of course, there are moments when one feels compelled to strike the table with a firm fist just to make a point. They will likely resort to a bit of theatrics—because, let’s be honest, nobody enjoys watching their influence slip away—but eventually, the dust will settle and they will quiet down.

Or they probably won't. But the main thing is that you’re sticking to your guns.😁

I have to run now.

nimbleharbor13 said:It really isn't such a catastrophe, you know. You will find someone eventually. There is no reason to let this weigh on your spirit right now.

I don't feel bad about it. 🙂
I have no interest in exhausting myself by jumping through hoops just to satisfy someone else's definition of what "normal" should look like.😍

Paul Morales3 said:I don't feel bad about it. 🙂
I have no interest in exhausting myself by jumping through hoops just to satisfy someone else's definition of what "normal" should look like.😍

Look, there is a massive difference between 'throwing caution to the wind just to satisfy someone else's checklist'... but honestly? 'Holding yourself back just to please your mother' isn't all that different. 😉
Down the road, you're going to look back and regret everything you missed out on because you played it safe.
Believe me, I know from experience, unfortunately.

rustymaker5 said:That’s actually a good way to look at it. Especially since your mom is just doing what she thinks is best for you. 🙂 It’s a completely different story when you view it through your own lens, though, which is probably why it gets under your skin subconsciously. But look, you still have a few years ahead of you, especially if you're sticking with school, to build a relationship with her based on actual trust and being open with one another... Don't sweat it too much, she knows you're becoming an adult, and the only thing that might really shake her confidence in you is if you start acting reckless. But if you stay responsible—and looking at everything you wrote here, I’d say you definitely are—then things should fall into place quite nicely. If not, well, eventually you'll just have to cut that umbilical cord once and for all. 🤷

One more thing, though... nobody hands you a permission slip to be happy. You have to go out and make that happen for yourself. 😉

I am not being irresponsible, and she knows that perfectly well when she hears about all the crap my peers are pulling. 😁

I know I have to take care of my own happiness... I was just exaggerating my little problem in the title. 😍

restlesspanther1 said:Look, there is a massive difference between 'throwing caution to the wind just to satisfy someone else's checklist'... but honestly? 'Holding yourself back just to please your mother' isn't all that different. 😉
Down the road, you're going to look back and regret everything you missed out on because you played it safe.
Believe me, I know from experience, unfortunately.

As of right now, I don't regret a single thing... if anything, I'm actually glad I exercised some restraint instead of rushing headlong into things or acting purely out of spite, because if I had, I'd be feeling pretty miserable right now about having slept with people I only had passing whims about at the time.🙂

rustymaker5 said:That’s actually a good way to look at it. Especially since your mom is just doing what she thinks is best for you. 🙂 It’s a completely different story when you view it through your own lens, though, which is probably why it gets under your skin subconsciously. But look, you still have a few years ahead of you, especially if you're sticking with school, to build a relationship with her based on actual trust and being open with one another... Don't sweat it too much, she knows you're becoming an adult, and the only thing that might really shake her confidence in you is if you start acting reckless. But if you stay responsible—and looking at everything you wrote here, I’d say you definitely are—then things should fall into place quite nicely. If not, well, eventually you'll just have to cut that umbilical cord once and for all. 🤷

One more thing, though... nobody hands you a permission slip to be happy. You have to go out and make that happen for yourself. 😉

That is certainly an ambitious goal to aim for. However, one must first consider that Mom needs to realize she is an adult herself. To be perfectly honest, I have never actually met anyone who possesses what one might call an ideal relationship with their parents—at least, not by my own definition of the term—though I have certainly heard plenty of people toss those phrases around in conversation.

Paul Morales3 said:As of right now, I don't regret a single thing... if anything, I'm actually glad I exercised some restraint instead of rushing headlong into things or acting purely out of spite, because if I had, I'd be feeling pretty miserable right now about having slept with people I only had passing whims about at the time.🙂

Why on earth 😕

Maybe I’m just overthinking this, but I honestly don't get why she would feel that way 🤷

Paul Morales3 said:As of right now, I don't regret a single thing... if anything, I'm actually glad I exercised some restraint instead of rushing headlong into things or acting purely out of spite, because if I had, I'd be feeling pretty miserable right now about having slept with people I only had passing whims about at the time.🙂

It is quite a fascinating observation. If you express these thoughts at twenty, people might just think you're being unconventional, but if you wait just a few more years, society tends to rush in with all sorts of anxiety diagnoses. Everyone suddenly becomes an expert, working overtime to explain to you how sex and love are entirely separate entities that have nothing to do with one another.

nimbleharbor13 said:That is certainly an ambitious goal to aim for. However, one must first consider that Mom needs to realize she is an adult herself. To be perfectly honest, I have never actually met anyone who possesses what one might call an ideal relationship with their parents—at least, not by my own definition of the term—though I have certainly heard plenty of people toss those phrases around in conversation.

I don't even know how to make her see it. She still looks at me like I'm some naive kid, and she treats me with this suffocatingly overprotective attitude because of it.

restlesspanther1 said:Why on earth 😕

Maybe I’m just overthinking this, but I honestly don't get why she would feel that way 🤷

And there we go, it’s starting...

Paul Morales3 said:I don't even know how to make her see it. She still looks at me like I'm some naive kid, and she treats me with this suffocatingly overprotective attitude because of it.

There really isn't any need to offer her an explanation. You are entitled to your own independence, after all. It is perfectly fine to let her sit there and grapple with her own perception that you're being ungrateful. If you aren't actually doing anything wrong, then letting guilt consume you would be a mistake, and frankly, you have every right to make your own errors and simply move forward with a bit more wisdom.

restlesspanther1 said:Why on earth 😕

Maybe I’m just overthinking this, but I honestly don't get why she would feel that way 🤷

They just weren't the kind of person you'd want to remember fondly after a hookup.
The specifics don't really matter for this discussion. 🙂

nimbleharbor13 said:And there we go, it’s starting...

Oh, please, nothing is "starting"🙄

My question is completely valid here... if she actually liked those people at one point, why can she suddenly claim with such absolute certainty that she would never have slept with them?

Don't you dare project your own assumptions onto me.😉
I don't recall ever suggesting her behavior was "unhinged."

It's a different matter entirely if she feels the question is too invasive—that’s her right, and I respect that.

restlesspanther1 said:Oh, please, nothing is "starting"🙄

My question is completely valid here... if she actually liked those people at one point, why can she suddenly claim with such absolute certainty that she would never have slept with them?

Don't you dare project your own assumptions onto me.😉
I don't recall ever suggesting her behavior was "unhinged."

It's a different matter entirely if she feels the question is too invasive—that’s her right, and I respect that.

I suppose I misinterpreted the situation. It appears I am being overly protective now. Heaven forbid my future child grows up in such a sensitive world.

Paul Morales3 said:I don't even know how to make her see it. She still looks at me like I'm some naive kid, and she treats me with this suffocatingly overprotective attitude because of it.

It might be time to start accepting that this dynamic isn't ever going to change. You really need to embrace that and just start living your own life, regardless of what Mom thinks about you. At the end of the day, she’s your mother, but you are your own person. You just need to become🙂 independent. All those other arguments and constant questioning will just lead you straight to a dead end.😉

There really is no reason to worry; this will all settle itself in time. You eventually come to realize that a parent might not truly understand you, regardless of how much effort both sides put in. For deep understanding, you turn to your friends, whereas a parent’s role is to provide that steady, protective guidance—to watch over you and warn you of potential pitfalls. Sometimes they tend to blow things out of proportion, shouting "fire" when there isn't one, but honestly, that’s just a sign that they are functioning normally 😁

As long as you can distinguish your own thoughts from any external voices, you are doing alright. 👍

Once you experience your first taste of true independence, you'll realize that you have room within yourself to hold both perspectives 😉
And quite often, when real crises hit later on, they will surprise you with their warmth and sudden empathy (even if they spend the time leading up to it fussing over you), because despite everything, you will always be their child 🙂 through all the good and the bad that entails. 🙂