Besties for life

Ladies, does everyone actually have a best friend?

I don't know what the deal is, but in my 20-plus years, I haven't managed to land a single best friend. I had one back in elementary school, but she just decided one day that we weren't hanging out anymore. She never even told me why.

Then there was another towards the end of grade school, but that friendship fell apart after I told her that her boyfriend kissed me—on the cheek, mind you, and without me wanting him to!

And then another one in middle school who basically just phased me out of her life.

I'm not a drama seeker. I'm loyal, I can keep a secret, I'm a great listener, I would literally give any of them a kidney, and I actually have a sense of humor. None of those three people above had a legitimate reason to stop being friends with me (I stand by that 100%). Maybe I just bored them or something, I don't know. Or maybe I'm just looking for friends in all the wrong places. Ugh, I get the dilemmas men face. What is it that women actually want?!

I am totally willing to work on my flaws, but I honestly can't figure out where I went wrong. The only thing I can think of that might have hurt a friendship is that I'm relatively guarded. But is that really enough to ruin a whole friendship?
Am I messing up somewhere else? Or is "best friendship" just a myth and we've all been lied to?

Please, don't turn this into some "girls' night" chat. I'm looking for some more serious answers here.
Men are more than welcome to weigh in too.

Man, dealing with women can be such a headache sometimes. I remember when my own best friend totally turned her back on me right when things were at their absolute worst... those are the moments where you really see who’s actually in your corner. Honestly? I find guys make much better friends than women do. I can actually have decent conversations with them without everything getting complicated... we can just talk about real stuff.

Maybe they’re just jealous?

I personally don't care for friends who are closed off.
For me, clear communication and being open about how you feel is absolutely vital in a friendship. If someone just keeps everything bottled up inside, I don't really see that as trust.
Besides, what is the point of a relationship where I am the only one talking? That feels like a one-way street to me.

nimbleviper75 said:Ladies, does everyone actually have a best friend?

I don't know what the deal is, but in my 20-plus years, I haven't managed to land a single best friend. I had one back in elementary school, but she just decided one day that we weren't hanging out anymore. She never even told me why.

Then there was another towards the end of grade school, but that friendship fell apart after I told her that her boyfriend kissed me—on the cheek, mind you, and without me wanting him to!

And then another one in middle school who basically just phased me out of her life.

I'm not a drama seeker. I'm loyal, I can keep a secret, I'm a great listener, I would literally give any of them a kidney, and I actually have a sense of humor. None of those three people above had a legitimate reason to stop being friends with me (I stand by that 100%). Maybe I just bored them or something, I don't know. Or maybe I'm just looking for friends in all the wrong places. Ugh, I get the dilemmas men face. What is it that women actually want?!

I am totally willing to work on my flaws, but I honestly can't figure out where I went wrong. The only thing I can think of that might have hurt a friendship is that I'm relatively guarded. But is that really enough to ruin a whole friendship?
Am I messing up somewhere else? Or is "best friendship" just a myth and we've all been lied to?

Please, don't turn this into some "girls' night" chat. I'm looking for some more serious answers here.
Men are more than welcome to weigh in too.

Women tend to gravitate toward those who mirror them because, honestly, nobody understands you quite like someone who’s been through the same things. It usually starts small—maybe you grew up in the same suburb, went to the same high school, or just share that exact same sense of humor and the same favorite spots to grab a drink in downtown Chicago... then, if both people are getting what they need from the connection, it evolves into something much deeper. Personally, I’ve always been drawn to girls who are fun; I love a good laugh and a lively night out myself. But at the same time, I need someone who can actually sit with me and talk when my mental health takes a bit of a dip... if they can't handle those heavy moments, then we aren't really friends. Because true friendship isn't just about sharing the highlights and the fun times. If it stays on the surface like that, they're just acquaintances...

nimbleviper75 said:Ladies, does everyone actually have a best friend?

I don't know what the deal is, but in my 20-plus years, I haven't managed to land a single best friend. I had one back in elementary school, but she just decided one day that we weren't hanging out anymore. She never even told me why.

Then there was another towards the end of grade school, but that friendship fell apart after I told her that her boyfriend kissed me—on the cheek, mind you, and without me wanting him to!

And then another one in middle school who basically just phased me out of her life.

I'm not a drama seeker. I'm loyal, I can keep a secret, I'm a great listener, I would literally give any of them a kidney, and I actually have a sense of humor. None of those three people above had a legitimate reason to stop being friends with me (I stand by that 100%). Maybe I just bored them or something, I don't know. Or maybe I'm just looking for friends in all the wrong places. Ugh, I get the dilemmas men face. What is it that women actually want?!

I am totally willing to work on my flaws, but I honestly can't figure out where I went wrong. The only thing I can think of that might have hurt a friendship is that I'm relatively guarded. But is that really enough to ruin a whole friendship?
Am I messing up somewhere else? Or is "best friendship" just a myth and we've all been lied to?

Please, don't turn this into some "girls' night" chat. I'm looking for some more serious answers here.
Men are more than welcome to weigh in too.

One really ought to balance listening with speaking... otherwise, the other person might start feeling like they're just performing for an audience, while you remain completely closed off...

Jeffrey Ramos4 said:Man, dealing with women can be such a headache sometimes. I remember when my own best friend totally turned her back on me right when things were at their absolute worst... those are the moments where you really see who’s actually in your corner. Honestly? I find guys make much better friends than women do. I can actually have decent conversations with them without everything getting complicated... we can just talk about real stuff.

👍
Truth. Men are far more reliable friends than women. Look for a brother, not a girlfriend...
I’ve had plenty of "best friends" too, but they all ended in betrayal (or maybe I was the one doing the betraying, I'm no saint)... Either way, don't blame yourself. Women are just built that way. Damned if they aren't. 🙂🙂

Sandra Evans41 said:👍
Truth. Men are far more reliable friends than women. Look for a brother, not a girlfriend...
I’ve had plenty of "best friends" too, but they all ended in betrayal (or maybe I was the one doing the betraying, I'm no saint)... Either way, don't blame yourself. Women are just built that way. Damned if they aren't. 🙂🙂

That isn't true for everyone, though. There are wonderful women out there. 🙂
Some of them actually stick by you...

Sandra Evans41 said:👍
Truth. Men are far more reliable friends than women. Look for a brother, not a girlfriend...
I’ve had plenty of "best friends" too, but they all ended in betrayal (or maybe I was the one doing the betraying, I'm no saint)... Either way, don't blame yourself. Women are just built that way. Damned if they aren't. 🙂🙂

Please, don't go looking for a male best friend. You are essentially walking into a minefield. You might walk in thinking you just want a platonic friendship, but he’s going to be looking for something entirely different. And once that happens, what exactly are you going to do about it? 😉 Maybe the issue isn't actually you. It might just be that you’ve consistently run into the wrong type of people. If I were you, I'd take a step back and really analyze the traits of those individuals you've encountered. There is likely a common thread running through them—a specific pattern in their character—that explains why these relationships kept falling apart.

I’ve had plenty of best friends in my time, too, but in the end, they always ended up letting me down—or maybe I was the one letting them down, since I’m certainly no saint. Either way, you shouldn't blame yourself, honey. Women are just built that way... honestly, it can be a curse. 🙂🙂

I’m inclined to agree that men tend to make better friends. Honestly, my take is that this stems from how women are socialized from such a young age. There is this pervasive pressure on girls to view one another as competition rather than allies. From an early age, they are often conditioned toward a certain level of narcissism, which breeds jealousy. If a female friend starts to "outshine" another in some capacity, it creates friction. I have observed that female friendships frequently fracture over a guy, whereas male friendships rarely crumble because of a woman. Men generally prioritize their brotherhood; they are willing to step aside and let a friend have the girl. Women, on the other hand, tend to get into much more intense conflicts over these things. I could probably dive into some deep psychoanalysis to explain why this happens, but I think I'll leave it at that.🥳 I am still here. 😁

nimbleviper75 said:Ladies, does everyone actually have a best friend?

I don't know what the deal is, but in my 20-plus years, I haven't managed to land a single best friend. I had one back in elementary school, but she just decided one day that we weren't hanging out anymore. She never even told me why.

Then there was another towards the end of grade school, but that friendship fell apart after I told her that her boyfriend kissed me—on the cheek, mind you, and without me wanting him to!

And then another one in middle school who basically just phased me out of her life.

I'm not a drama seeker. I'm loyal, I can keep a secret, I'm a great listener, I would literally give any of them a kidney, and I actually have a sense of humor. None of those three people above had a legitimate reason to stop being friends with me (I stand by that 100%). Maybe I just bored them or something, I don't know. Or maybe I'm just looking for friends in all the wrong places. Ugh, I get the dilemmas men face. What is it that women actually want?!

I am totally willing to work on my flaws, but I honestly can't figure out where I went wrong. The only thing I can think of that might have hurt a friendship is that I'm relatively guarded. But is that really enough to ruin a whole friendship?
Am I messing up somewhere else? Or is "best friendship" just a myth and we've all been lied to?

Please, don't turn this into some "girls' night" chat. I'm looking for some more serious answers here.
Men are more than welcome to weigh in too.

I have two absolute best girlfriends and one perfect male friend.
And honestly—I feel incredibly wealthy because finding people like that is nearly impossible.
When I say "real," I mean the kind of women who accept me unconditionally, no matter what—and I do the same for them. It’s true sisterhood—something much deeper than just being friends.

There aren't any rules for this kind of connection; I truly feel blessed to have found them. They are soulmates—parts of my own essence—as if we inhabit the same spirit. We have this almost telepathic bond. We can go days without talking, and then just as I'm reaching for my phone to call, her text pops up.

Beyond that, when they're struggling, I can sense it immediately—I just know to call and ask what's wrong. Plus, it turns out we're often reading the exact same books or tackling the same life problems in the same way.

But let's be real—making female friends is tough. Personally, I find men to be much easier to deal with as friends—provided they aren't secretly pining after you, of course. With women, there’s often this weird competition, then jealousy creeps in, or some become obsessive and won't stop calling—not to mention the tendency for gossip. My philosophy? Just focus on being the best friend possible. It might not pay off immediately, but in the long run, it does. You eventually attract exactly what you put out into the world.

It’s not about finding a good friend... it’s about finding a good person.
A bad person can never truly be a good friend.

nimbleviper75 As stated by:
Ladies, I find myself wondering—does everyone here possess that one indispensable best friend?

Never!

It seems that biological mechanisms dictate that women remain in a state of competition with one another throughout their entire lives, persisting until their very last breath.

I have always found that I much prefer to observe competition from a comfortable distance; there is something about being directly in the fray that feels unnecessarily taxing. As for the matter of close companionship, I suppose I have never quite managed to cultivate that one quintessential best friend, though in the grand scheme of things, I find myself wondering if such a thing truly matters all that much.

My closest friends? Well, if we are being strictly honest, my entire inner circle consists of men. Period.

Christian Wells6 said:

nimbleviper75 As stated by:
Ladies, I find myself wondering—does everyone here possess that one indispensable best friend?

Never!

It seems that biological mechanisms dictate that women remain in a state of competition with one another throughout their entire lives, persisting until their very last breath.

I have always found that I much prefer to observe competition from a comfortable distance; there is something about being directly in the fray that feels unnecessarily taxing. As for the matter of close companionship, I suppose I have never quite managed to cultivate that one quintessential best friend, though in the grand scheme of things, I find myself wondering if such a thing truly matters all that much.

My closest friends? Well, if we are being strictly honest, my entire inner circle consists of men. Period.

😍
Short, sweet, and blunt... just like always, isn't that right, Tanja? 😉

I can't really comment on that whole competition thing because I've never actually experienced it myself... 🤷

I have exactly one friend left over from my school days, and whether she's my "best" anything... I honestly haven't a clue. 🤔 She lives in a different city, we catch up on the phone, but when she comes to visit me... well, after three days, I find myself wishing she'd head home... 😛 (She's a psychologist, which means she's exhausting—just constant chatter and analyzing everything through a clinical lens... though, I suppose she did a few things for me that earned her a permanent spot in my heart...)

I never really had male friends either. If I wanted to chat, it was coworkers, but if I wanted more than just small talk, they were guys... and once the romantic part ended, the friendship usually didn't stick. 🤷

Nowadays, my social circle revolves around my husband; we hang out with other married couples. We're bonded by shared interests and just enjoying good company. I also have a few gals I grab drinks with for purely female outings, but we aren't exactly real friends—it's more of an informal thing where we meet up whenever it happens to suit everyone's schedule.

All in all, I can't exactly brag about having a best friend... for now, that role is pretty much filled by my husband...🙂

nimbleviper75 said:Ladies, does everyone actually have a best friend?

I don't know what the deal is, but in my 20-plus years, I haven't managed to land a single best friend. I had one back in elementary school, but she just decided one day that we weren't hanging out anymore. She never even told me why.

Then there was another towards the end of grade school, but that friendship fell apart after I told her that her boyfriend kissed me—on the cheek, mind you, and without me wanting him to!

And then another one in middle school who basically just phased me out of her life.

I'm not a drama seeker. I'm loyal, I can keep a secret, I'm a great listener, I would literally give any of them a kidney, and I actually have a sense of humor. None of those three people above had a legitimate reason to stop being friends with me (I stand by that 100%). Maybe I just bored them or something, I don't know. Or maybe I'm just looking for friends in all the wrong places. Ugh, I get the dilemmas men face. What is it that women actually want?!

I am totally willing to work on my flaws, but I honestly can't figure out where I went wrong. The only thing I can think of that might have hurt a friendship is that I'm relatively guarded. But is that really enough to ruin a whole friendship?
Am I messing up somewhere else? Or is "best friendship" just a myth and we've all been lied to?

Please, don't turn this into some "girls' night" chat. I'm looking for some more serious answers here.
Men are more than welcome to weigh in too.

I was actually thinking about this the other day too... Honestly, any time I've
tried to get close with another woman, things just kind of blow up and leave me feeling let down.
It makes me think women are just... I don't know, really complicated and sneaky creatures...
And hey, I'm one of them, I guess... Must be some testosterone imbalance or something😛

Robin Brown53 said:It’s not about finding a good friend... it’s about finding a good person.
A bad person can never truly be a good friend.

👍 You're lucky if you have even one real friend. Everyone else? Just acquaintances...

Twenty years. Three absolute best friends. One of them is actually my cousin. 🙂
Back in middle school and high school, I had what I thought were my "besties," but everything just fell apart. The reasons are messy and honestly, I don't have the energy to revisit them now. Kids will be kids, I guess.
Now that I’m an adult choosing my own circle—and letting people choose me—I actually think the number of real connections will just keep growing year after year. 🙂

nimbleviper75 said:Ladies, does everyone actually have a best friend?

I don't know what the deal is, but in my 20-plus years, I haven't managed to land a single best friend. I had one back in elementary school, but she just decided one day that we weren't hanging out anymore. She never even told me why.

Then there was another towards the end of grade school, but that friendship fell apart after I told her that her boyfriend kissed me—on the cheek, mind you, and without me wanting him to!

And then another one in middle school who basically just phased me out of her life.

I'm not a drama seeker. I'm loyal, I can keep a secret, I'm a great listener, I would literally give any of them a kidney, and I actually have a sense of humor. None of those three people above had a legitimate reason to stop being friends with me (I stand by that 100%). Maybe I just bored them or something, I don't know. Or maybe I'm just looking for friends in all the wrong places. Ugh, I get the dilemmas men face. What is it that women actually want?!

I am totally willing to work on my flaws, but I honestly can't figure out where I went wrong. The only thing I can think of that might have hurt a friendship is that I'm relatively guarded. But is that really enough to ruin a whole friendship?
Am I messing up somewhere else? Or is "best friendship" just a myth and we've all been lied to?

Please, don't turn this into some "girls' night" chat. I'm looking for some more serious answers here.
Men are more than welcome to weigh in too.

Look, I've dealt with the exact same stuff here in my neck of the woods.
There are tons of possible reasons... jealousy, envy, or just plain stupidity.
But honestly, it just shows none of them deserved you.
Real friendship doesn't care if you're private or have other little quirks..
Look, keep your head up. They didn't deserve you. That's just it. We'll keep working on ourselves, and then we'll earn a real, selfless friend.. and we'll give them our all, because we'll actually have something to offer, and then we'll be able to receive it.

It’s all about trust, honestly—my own girlfriends used to call me out for being way too guarded! But hey, I’ve got that one bestie who knows everything, while the others are more just there for the good vibes and hanging out.

rustymaker5 said:😍
Short, sweet, and blunt... just like always, isn't that right, Tanja? 😉

I can't really comment on that whole competition thing because I've never actually experienced it myself... 🤷

I have exactly one friend left over from my school days, and whether she's my "best" anything... I honestly haven't a clue. 🤔 She lives in a different city, we catch up on the phone, but when she comes to visit me... well, after three days, I find myself wishing she'd head home... 😛 (She's a psychologist, which means she's exhausting—just constant chatter and analyzing everything through a clinical lens... though, I suppose she did a few things for me that earned her a permanent spot in my heart...)

I never really had male friends either. If I wanted to chat, it was coworkers, but if I wanted more than just small talk, they were guys... and once the romantic part ended, the friendship usually didn't stick. 🤷

Nowadays, my social circle revolves around my husband; we hang out with other married couples. We're bonded by shared interests and just enjoying good company. I also have a few gals I grab drinks with for purely female outings, but we aren't exactly real friends—it's more of an informal thing where we meet up whenever it happens to suit everyone's schedule.

All in all, I can't exactly brag about having a best friend... for now, that role is pretty much filled by my husband...🙂

Thx Arna. It’s quite simple, really. When you sit back and reflect on who your truest friend is, it often turns out to be your husband. A man, once again.

For me, my brother holds the top spot, followed by a longtime friend with whom I have weathered many a storm. Then there is the one I am building a life with; it is slightly more complicated since he is from Miami—quite a distance away.

It seems all men follow this pattern.

As I mentioned before (to those who are in the loop), Jovo Toševski, along with the Americans on this forum who can acquire them quite easily and cheaply, *Planet of Women* and those other six books. Though, they are essentially cut from the same cloth. Whether it is a psychiatrist from Detroit or a university professor who decided to adopt this "issue," feminists have tried to digest it all.

We have a perpetual struggle regarding his mother; if we didn't, one could sense the hypocrisy (we both decided to maintain a civil relationship, though we aren't truly close, whether we like it or not). It is natural competition. We are the ones in charge, and we never let go of the reins.

As for the fertile years of life, I don't even care to discuss it. It is nothing but pure competition.

Do I have "friends"? Certainly—if by that you mean more fragile individuals who enjoy leaning on me. I make it quite clear to every single one of them that I AM NOT a friend. They may utilize me (I won't say exploit, per se) right up until our interests no longer align. We can know everything about each other, we can help one another, we can even go so far as to support each other through thick and thin, chat, and socialize... but the boundary remains firm.

The moment a finger is poked into my territory, I strike first, and then I ask who is still standing.

In any case, this is a devilishly interesting topic. From the perspective of an alpha female, beta females hold an entirely different view, and they always end up feeling wounded once the system inevitably collapses.

I truly wonder how many of them are actually aware that they are beta females.

By all means, let us be perfectly clear on this matter. It is my firm conviction—and I believe my intuition serves me well in these instances—that certain individuals possess an undeniable, commanding presence. In my estimation, rustymaker5 is a true leader, the number ten is a natural alpha, and Enči is essentially an alpha operating entirely undercover... though there is little point in me continuing this list, given that our various interests rarely align and we don't exactly share common goals on this forum.

I am listening, however, and quite curious to hear your thoughts.
rustymaker5, wouldn't you agree that you have a friend living far away? 😉

I feel like we first need to actually define what "best friend" even means... what does that even entail?

As soon as someone adds me on social media, they're a friend. I don't really see the point in all these extra labels like "best friend."

rustyfalcon52 said:I feel like we first need to actually define what "best friend" even means... what does that even entail?

As soon as someone adds me on social media, they're a friend. I don't really see the point in all these extra labels like "best friend."

Maybe it’s like those Hollywood movies where you can just call them up at 3:30 in the morning and they’ll drive halfway across the state just because you're having a breakdown; or maybe you snap at them and tell them to get lost, but they just sense you're in a bad mood and give you your space without making a scene; or you find some incredible designer vintage piece while traveling abroad and you immediately want to borrow it, then you end up ruining it with a cigarette burn, but instead of blowing up, they just shrug it off and lend you something even more rare and expensive that they haven't even worn yet; they know every single one of your darkest secrets and guard them like the FBI; they’ve always got your back, and if they have to criticize you, they do it patiently and strictly behind closed doors; when you lash out, they know you don't actually mean it, so they're always ready to answer when you call again; they're willing to drop everything and be there for you even if it completely wrecks their own weekend plans......🤷...in the movies, that kind of stuff seems amazing, but I've honestly never met anyone like that in real life... and let's be honest, I'm probably not that kind of person either, at least not for the long haul...🙄