I'm feeling completely burnt out

I find myself looking back over the last ten years—how quickly they’ve simply slipped through my fingers...
And I realize that I practically slept through them all, retreating so deeply into myself that I couldn't truly feel or even see what was happening right in front of me.
For the longest time, I lived like a shadow—not happy, not unhappy, just... hollow. It wasn't that I lacked depth; I had so much to give—so much love, such fierce loyalty, a capacity for understanding that felt endless...
Yet, looking back now, all I received in return were indignities, insults, the occasional fake smile, and those cold, hollow embraces. It is a bitter thing—when you give absolutely everything you have, when you never demand or question, when you love unconditionally and pour your entire soul into what you believe in, only for life to punch you right in the gut.!!!!
I feel disillusioned, utterly betrayed,
And then, finally, happiness arrives. A single look, an honest gaze, a smile meant only for me, a faithful kiss, and the most wonderful soul in existence.
At last, I recognize what true love looks like—but instead of embracing it, I run. I am constantly at war with myself because, God knows, I want to be happy; I want everything this life has to offer, yet there is this one singular decision standing in my way. I need to turn my back on the past, say my goodbyes, and move forward with different people—better people, more deserving people who actually merit everything I have to give—and yet, I find myself unable to do it.!!!!
Why is it that even when I want it so desperately, even when I know that if I don't act, I am losing everything that constitutes happiness for me?
I know deep down that I have to leave—there is nothing holding me here—and I know I will eventually go because I must, but I dread the thought of waiting until it is too late, until I lose this beautiful present for the sake of something that brings nothing but tears!
It feels as though I am standing in quicksand; I am thrashing, desperate to get out, but my feet won't move.
How does one actually turn the page to a new chapter? A chapter I am certain is brighter and more beautiful than the last? What is it that keeps me tethered here, preventing me from walking away?!!!!
I sometimes think perhaps it would be better if I weren't here at all—if I simply ceased to exist—because I have no desire to hurt the person I love so much, yet that is exactly what I am doing.
So I sit here, crying and screaming internally, acting like a complete coward, searching for ways to just disappear.😳

Look, if that’s really how you see it, everyone goes through a decade of pure nonsense like that at some point in their lives.
But I mean, seriously, everyone.
As for the rest of what you're spewing? It's just total garbage. 😁

Is there really any point in making things more complicated than they need to be?

Grace White10 I really saw myself in what you wrote. Our situations might be different, though... maybe I'm wrong.
I'm not really in the headspace to write much right now, so please don't take it personally. I don't know if this means anything to you, but I'm in the same mess—conscious self-destruction.
I can't figure out what keeps pulling me back. Why can't I just say "NO!" and turn a new leaf? With the people who have suffered because of me, and even those who deserve it, in my opinion.
It's hard to find the words. When there's a full moon, I'm just in a bad way. Maybe I'll post something next time, if I even remember this thread exists.
That's it. Goodnight, everyone.

Perhaps it all seems like some big joke to you people, but I can assure you—it isn't even remotely funny to me!
Well, I suppose that was my own mistake

Grace White10 said:Perhaps it all seems like some big joke to you people, but I can assure you—it isn't even remotely funny to me!
Well, I suppose that was my own mistake

I'm hoping my comment didn't come across as mocking
but honestly? you should probably just go back and read your own post again
try to be as objective as possible about it
just try to condense the whole thing into one single, simple sentence
find the actual point, the core conclusion
I know you're capable of it, so I don't think I'm asking for much

Grace White10 said:I find myself looking back over the last ten years—how quickly they’ve simply slipped through my fingers...
And I realize that I practically slept through them all, retreating so deeply into myself that I couldn't truly feel or even see what was happening right in front of me.
For the longest time, I lived like a shadow—not happy, not unhappy, just... hollow. It wasn't that I lacked depth; I had so much to give—so much love, such fierce loyalty, a capacity for understanding that felt endless...
Yet, looking back now, all I received in return were indignities, insults, the occasional fake smile, and those cold, hollow embraces. It is a bitter thing—when you give absolutely everything you have, when you never demand or question, when you love unconditionally and pour your entire soul into what you believe in, only for life to punch you right in the gut.!!!!
I feel disillusioned, utterly betrayed,
And then, finally, happiness arrives. A single look, an honest gaze, a smile meant only for me, a faithful kiss, and the most wonderful soul in existence.
At last, I recognize what true love looks like—but instead of embracing it, I run. I am constantly at war with myself because, God knows, I want to be happy; I want everything this life has to offer, yet there is this one singular decision standing in my way. I need to turn my back on the past, say my goodbyes, and move forward with different people—better people, more deserving people who actually merit everything I have to give—and yet, I find myself unable to do it.!!!!
Why is it that even when I want it so desperately, even when I know that if I don't act, I am losing everything that constitutes happiness for me?
I know deep down that I have to leave—there is nothing holding me here—and I know I will eventually go because I must, but I dread the thought of waiting until it is too late, until I lose this beautiful present for the sake of something that brings nothing but tears!
It feels as though I am standing in quicksand; I am thrashing, desperate to get out, but my feet won't move.
How does one actually turn the page to a new chapter? A chapter I am certain is brighter and more beautiful than the last? What is it that keeps me tethered here, preventing me from walking away?!!!!
I sometimes think perhaps it would be better if I weren't here at all—if I simply ceased to exist—because I have no desire to hurt the person I love so much, yet that is exactly what I am doing.
So I sit here, crying and screaming internally, acting like a complete coward, searching for ways to just disappear.😳

Is it just easier to sit there and wallow instead of actually doing something about it? Aren't you being a bit of a quitter?

it’s basically the exact same thing

Wait a second, have you gone and fallen head over heels for someone?? 🙂

The only way out of a situation like this is finding a partner you can truly pour your heart into, someone who becomes your entire world. I suppose I’d feel the same about wanting a fresh start. My first move would be packing up and moving somewhere in the States where nobody knows my name, just to reinvent myself. It seems I'm just not the type of person who naturally meshes with Americans.

Grace White10 said:Perhaps it all seems like some big joke to you people, but I can assure you—it isn't even remotely funny to me!
Well, I suppose that was my own mistake

Don't go losing sleep over what everyone else thinks, because honestly, until you've lived through it yourself, it's hard to wrap your head around it—and even when it's happening to you, it's just as tough to process. I get where you're coming from, I really do, but there isn't much I can do to fix this for you; you're going to have to navigate your own way out of it.

It’s always easier to just shut someone out than it is to let them in and sit around waiting for the inevitable heartbreak, though I know how heavy it feels when you're already nursing old wounds. But you’re going to have to turn the page eventually, otherwise you'll just end up wasting another decade staring at a blank wall, and I know you don't want that.

I've been wrestling with these same demons for pretty much my entire life... 😘

So, maybe that makes sense, or maybe it doesn't, but I'm hoping we're on the same page here.

Jose Anderson55 said:Don't go losing sleep over what everyone else thinks, because honestly, until you've lived through it yourself, it's hard to wrap your head around it—and even when it's happening to you, it's just as tough to process. I get where you're coming from, I really do, but there isn't much I can do to fix this for you; you're going to have to navigate your own way out of it.

It’s always easier to just shut someone out than it is to let them in and sit around waiting for the inevitable heartbreak, though I know how heavy it feels when you're already nursing old wounds. But you’re going to have to turn the page eventually, otherwise you'll just end up wasting another decade staring at a blank wall, and I know you don't want that.

I've been wrestling with these same demons for pretty much my entire life... 😘

So, maybe that makes sense, or maybe it doesn't, but I'm hoping we're on the same page here.

Does anyone ever stop to think about how much that actually hurts the other person—the ones being rejected?
Or is everyone too wrapped up in their own little bubble of pain?

Fine, let me not suffer.
I'll just flirt a little bit, keep things surface-level, and then bail before anyone gets the chance to hurt me. That's the plan, right?

The only thing that really gets under my skin... is this blatant disregard people show when they try to justify avoiding pain—both their own and everyone else's—by hiding behind these "higher" ideals. They ignore what's right in front of them. You can't dance the tango alone. If there's no partner, you don't need to step away. So, if the tango is happening, either don't start it, or stop pulling your feet away once it's already begun. It all comes down to basic maturity, doesn't it? Without it, every single relationship is just a slow-motion train wreck.

Which is why I'm telling you again, >...
Drop the poetic language you used to dress up your first post.
Forget the aesthetics.
Stop using all that emotional filler to patch up the gaps between your points.
Just call the problem what it is, in a rational, blunt way.
The more you try to beautify the issue with all those pretty emotions, the worse it gets.
Because instead of showing how messy the problem actually is, you end up creating this silly, elevated vibe that almost makes the whole situation seem noble.

Michael Booth3 said:Does anyone ever stop to think about how much that actually hurts the other person—the ones being rejected?
Or is everyone too wrapped up in their own little bubble of pain?

Fine, let me not suffer.
I'll just flirt a little bit, keep things surface-level, and then bail before anyone gets the chance to hurt me. That's the plan, right?

The only thing that really gets under my skin... is this blatant disregard people show when they try to justify avoiding pain—both their own and everyone else's—by hiding behind these "higher" ideals. They ignore what's right in front of them. You can't dance the tango alone. If there's no partner, you don't need to step away. So, if the tango is happening, either don't start it, or stop pulling your feet away once it's already begun. It all comes down to basic maturity, doesn't it? Without it, every single relationship is just a slow-motion train wreck.

Which is why I'm telling you again, >...
Drop the poetic language you used to dress up your first post.
Forget the aesthetics.
Stop using all that emotional filler to patch up the gaps between your points.
Just call the problem what it is, in a rational, blunt way.
The more you try to beautify the issue with all those pretty emotions, the worse it gets.
Because instead of showing how messy the problem actually is, you end up creating this silly, elevated vibe that almost makes the whole situation seem noble.

Look, I’m sorry, but it really isn't that simple for me; I've been burned far too many times in my life, and honestly, if it were just about heartbreak, things would be a lot easier. You know that old cliché about whether it's better to love and lose than never to love at all? 😍 Well, because of everything I've been through, letting my guard down feels almost impossible. I'm fiercely loyal, whether it's in a relationship or just a friendship, and that's really all I ever ask for in return—just a small sign that the feeling is mutual. The second I realize it isn't there, I pull back. I know it sounds foolish, but I just can't do it anymore...

You left out the part where this isn't actually about you.
Even though your phrasing practically begged for a response.
My compass is set by the original author's post,
but I suppose I can't help but quote you again.

Jose Anderson55 said:Look, I’m sorry, but it really isn't that simple for me; I've been burned far too many times in my life, and honestly, if it were just about heartbreak, things would be a lot easier. You know that old cliché about whether it's better to love and lose than never to love at all? 😍 Well, because of everything I've been through, letting my guard down feels almost impossible. I'm fiercely loyal, whether it's in a relationship or just a friendship, and that's really all I ever ask for in return—just a small sign that the feeling is mutual. The second I realize it isn't there, I pull back. I know it sounds foolish, but I just can't do it anymore...

Oh, it really is that simple.
But people have this pathological need to overcomplicate things, don't they?
It’s like they're under the impression that you can't solve a problem with just a few words—metaphorically speaking.
Because how could anyone possibly cram something as "complex" as their own feelings into a handful of trivial sentences?
No, no... they have to drag everything out into the light, even the stuff that is completely useless.
And then what? They spend the rest of the day whimpering over their own words,
waiting for everyone else to start whimpering along with them.
I guess it doesn't matter if you have decades of life left to waste on self-pity and circling the drain like a lost cat.
(I'm not trying to strip anyone of their supposed complexity; you just need boundaries.)

Jose Anderson55 said:Look, I’m sorry, but it really isn't that simple for me; I've been burned far too many times in my life, and honestly, if it were just about heartbreak, things would be a lot easier. You know that old cliché about whether it's better to love and lose than never to love at all? 😍 Well, because of everything I've been through, letting my guard down feels almost impossible. I'm fiercely loyal, whether it's in a relationship or just a friendship, and that's really all I ever ask for in return—just a small sign that the feeling is mutual. The second I realize it isn't there, I pull back. I know it sounds foolish, but I just can't do it anymore...

See... this is very simple.
Yet somehow, you managed to make it complicated.
How? Why?
Because staying in a situation when "that thing" is missing isn't foolish.
Staying is what's foolish.

Now I find myself wondering... what exactly led you to identify so closely with the author?
Just based on the idea of pulling away or moving closer?
Because if that's the case... look at it... you withdraw the second there is even the slightest hint that the person lacks love or friendship—loyalty, in this case.
And this is the very person she's talking about.

Jose Anderson55 said:Look, I’m sorry, but it really isn't that simple for me; I've been burned far too many times in my life, and honestly, if it were just about heartbreak, things would be a lot easier. You know that old cliché about whether it's better to love and lose than never to love at all? 😍 Well, because of everything I've been through, letting my guard down feels almost impossible. I'm fiercely loyal, whether it's in a relationship or just a friendship, and that's really all I ever ask for in return—just a small sign that the feeling is mutual. The second I realize it isn't there, I pull back. I know it sounds foolish, but I just can't do it anymore...

Since you went out of your way to quote me, I just figured you were talking to me directly—I’m really not trying to hijack anyone else's thread, so don't sweat it.

Beyond that, I actually find myself relating to what she was saying in her post, which is something you clearly missed, especially regarding how even the smallest sign of something being missing can change everything... but I guess it doesn't matter if we aren't seeing eye to eye.

And yeah, I'll say it again: life isn't always as black and white as people want it to be. There are certain things you carry with you that are incredibly hard to move past; just when you think you've finally turned a corner, they crawl back into your head without warning. Honestly, I think that's exactly what the author of that first post you keep bringing up was getting at.

Look, you’re entitled to your take on this and that's perfectly fine, but I'm just not going to agree with you.

it’d be pretty damn boring if you actually agreed with me all the time, wouldn't it? (:

Michael Booth3 said:it’d be pretty damn boring if you actually agreed with me all the time, wouldn't it? (:

Facts 🙂

It looks like you all have had quite the lively discussion going on here—I haven't even been able to bring myself to power up my computer these past few days.
And look, I realize it’s difficult for you to grasp exactly what I’m getting at, but I wasn't actually looking for answers—mostly because I’m the only one who truly holds them.
What I was attempting to convey—and this is the crux of it—is the sheer, agonizing difficulty of making a decision when you know it will inevitably hurt people; specifically, those close to you. Yet, the alternative—refusing to make the one decision that is clearly the right path, the only viable path—will also cause pain to those dear to me. Even though I am certain of the best course of action—the only choice left to me—I find myself wondering why I can't, just once, prioritize my own needs. Why must I constantly dissect every single detail? I have this persistent desire to ensure no one gets hurt in the process, but the reality is... well, someone always ends up getting hurt, no matter how carefully you tread.
In the midst of all this, I somehow end up casting myself as the villain in my own story—even though, in truth, I am not. That is precisely why this is so taxing; I feel that if I weren't around, perhaps fewer people would suffer—or at least, they wouldn't suffer nearly as much as they do now.

brightridge59 said:Wait a second, have you gone and fallen head over heels for someone?? 🙂

Look, we are talking about love—but the reality of the situation goes much deeper than the simple whims or troubles of some lovestruck girl.

Grace White10 said:Look, we are talking about love—but the reality of the situation goes much deeper than the simple whims or troubles of some lovestruck girl.

I truly believe you are right. 🙂
If you have fallen for someone else, I really don't see any obstacles standing in your way regarding a divorce. From everything you've shared, it sounds like your husband simply isn't providing the stability a husband or a father should offer.
I want to emphasize that I am basing this entirely on your own account of the situation.

A man who chooses to harass his wife while intoxicated right in front of his children doesn't deserve to have a partner by his side—especially one who is capable of, and eager to experience, genuine love. You want that connection, and honestly, you deserve it.

Of course, the kids will be hurt if you decide to split up, but I urge you to consider how much more deeply they will be wounded if you stay in a broken marriage like this.
Growing up witnessing harassment and abuse leaves incredibly deep scars, creating consequences that people often spend their entire adult lives trying to heal.

Please, try not to carry any guilt; you aren't "hurting" your husband by leaving. He isn't going to change because of your decision. Your priority should be saving yourself and protecting your children.

You have every right to pursue happiness. It might be best to move out and establish your own space first, then perhaps take things very slowly with this new person. Just take it one small step at a time. 😘