How to heal from childhood emotional neglect?

Harold Anderson3 said:I really wanted to say thank you for such a thoughtful response. 😘 It’s clear you truly grasp how serious this all is, which is why your answer felt so deep and sincere.
In my case, things haven't quite escalated into outward actions yet; it has mostly stayed within my own head. Though, I suppose calling them "just" thoughts is a bit of an understatement, since they can be pretty overwhelming and make daily life feel much harder than it needs to be...
My relationship with my mom is actually really strong, and despite her illness, she makes sure I know she loves me. Sometimes that affection can feel a little intense or even exhausting, if I'm being honest, but it doesn't really bother me too much.
Long story short, I plan on taking all your advice to heart—I won't bore you by repeating every single point back to you—especially since you seem to really know what you're talking about here (am I right about that?🙂

Look, I don't want to bore you with too much detail—though let’s be real, I definitely will—but listen: that one sentence right there completely changes the entire landscape of the problem you're dealing with.

So, here’s the good news—something you already know deep down but haven't had the guts to actually call what it is for obvious reasons—you don't actually give a damn about this whole "parental love" concept, you're really just chasing the ghost of your father's approval and nursing that old wound from growing up without your mother around.

Look, we can all agree on the basics here—a father is just as vital to a kid's development as a mother is, and when you’ve got boys growing up, that father figure becomes absolutely critical during that phase where they're trying to figure out who they are and how they fit into the world.

So you're basically sitting there implying that a mother's love—which, let's be honest, is pretty much the ultimate thing—can actually get to be a bit much sometimes.

Look, if someone says they’re "suffering because they're being denied love," they aren't exactly claiming that anyone's affection is a burden to them. I’m telling you this just so you can actually aim your little "search" in the right direction for once.

It looks like that’s how things are playing out on your end:

Look, let’s just be real about it—my old man completely missed the mark when it came to my emotional needs. He just wasn't wired to actually see me or understand what I was going through on a deeper level. It wasn't even a conscious thing, he just lacked that basic awareness, you know? Like, if I was struggling or needed some actual support, he'd just tune it out or act like it wasn't happening. There was zero recognition of the emotional side of things, which honestly left a massive void because you expect your own father to at least grasp the basics of how you're feeling, but he just couldn't get there.

Look, let’s just be real about this: your old man completely dropped the ball when it came to actually showing up for you emotionally. He just wasn't there, you know? It’s like he was physically present in the room, but when it came to actually understanding what you were going through or giving you that support you needed, he was totally checked out. He failed to meet those emotional needs entirely, and honestly, that's a massive gap to deal with.

Look, you’re basically just acting like some sensitive kid who thinks getting a pat on the head from everyone else is the only way to feel like your own existence actually matters.
It’s pretty simple, really: you get what you deserve, whether that's love or whatever else life throws at you—and if things go south, well, that's just how it works. You earn it, or you don't. Simple as that.

I’m betting that when they started cutting back on the emotional support, they probably went ahead and stripped away all the praise and rewards too, if you ask me.

Maybe there was just way too much "objectivity" going on—or, if you ask me, just a whole lot of unnecessary nitpicking. Again, I'm just guessing here, but it felt like they were trying way too hard to be critical.

Look, my old man basically offloaded the responsibility of looking out for me onto someone else, and let’s be real, that person didn't give a damn either. They totally dropped the ball when I needed them to step up, which honestly just left me feeling completely abandoned by him.

So what we're looking at here is this young guy who’s basically walking around with this deep-seated chip on his shoulder because he’s convinced he just isn't "worthy," all because his old man failed to show him any real validation when it actually mattered.

Look, Mom’s love gets trashed from the jump by all these self-appointed "authorities"—you know, the ones throwing around heavy diagnoses and stripping away parental rights like it's nothing. You didn't consciously reject her, but you basically subconsciously filed her away as being "less important," when in reality, her presence was supposed to be a given.
Look, it’s just a normal kid reaction, so there's absolutely no reason to sit around beating yourself up or drowning in guilt over it, but you definitely have plenty of reasons to get your head straight and fix how you're looking at the situation.

Look, we really need to stop conflating two completely different things here; you can't just lump them all together and act like they're the same thing.
I’m not even talking about love in some vague, poetic sense—I'm talking about THIS specific kind of love and that constant, exhausting demand he has for me to prove my worth just to get his validation.

Everything I said before still stands, honestly. Just try to put more focus on actually getting to know yourself—like, really digging into who you are, what you're capable of, and where your actual potential lies. Once you figure that out, you just gotta go out there and actually make something of it.

That’s exactly how you build up a sense of security and self-respect—that deep-down feeling of actual purpose, where you finally feel like your existence and everything you do actually matters.

When you lose that sense of self-worth, that feeling that you actually matter or have a purpose in this world, that’s when you slide into depression. It’s pretty much always the root cause. Everything else—whatever specific disaster or bad day hits you—is just the trigger that sets the whole thing off.

Look, you need to get your head straight regarding your attitude TOWARD your old man, not just how you deal WITH him. There’s a massive difference there. Your internal perspective—the way you actually view him and the principles you're choosing to live by—is what you really need to grind on right now. Dealing WITH him involves actual interaction, and let's be real, you aren't emotionally stable or tough enough yet to handle that kind of direct back-and-forth. So, save the actual confrontation for later; focus on fixing your own mindset first.

In the meantime, just make sure you don't fall into that whole "seeking validation from your old man" trap—and honestly, you probably will hit that wall at some point, even if you aren't even on speaking terms with him anymore.

Look, if you’re actually still talking to your old man, you really need to just take him as he is. Stop wasting your energy mourning the version of him that exists in your head or nursing these massive, unrealistic expectations about how he should act. Just accept the reality of the situation, without all the extra drama.

Look, you really need to try and get a grip on how you react to people in charge, whether you’re sucking up to them or totally losing your mind on them. It’s getting a bit much. You have this tendency to swing wildly between extremes because, deep down, you treat every single authority figure like they’re some ultimate symbol—basically treating every boss or leader like they're your own damn father. You can't just see someone as a person with a job; you turn them into this massive, symbolic figurehead, and that's why your reactions go so overboard. Just dial it back and stop making everything so heavy.

I honestly don't doubt for a second that you'll move past all this before you know it.🙂

P.S.

Actually, I just went back and read that whole section on humiliation, physical abuse, and how they constantly belittle anyone's achievements, so I’m editing my post here.
I get that it's hard to wrap your head around right now, but people who act out like that—especially toward their own kids—have this really twisted psychological makeup, shaped by all the toxic social habits and experiences they grew up with. They were usually beaten, abused, and put down themselves... and so, anyone weaker than them becomes nothing more than a punching bag to help them feel some sense of "power and control" that they don't actually possess in the real world.

The absolute best thing you can do is just decide to be a decent, loving parent to your kids one day, effectively breaking the cycle and refusing to pass on everything that was done to you.

Funnygirl 🙂

Paul Perez said:Look, I don't want to bore you with too much detail—though let’s be real, I definitely will—but listen: that one sentence right there completely changes the entire landscape of the problem you're dealing with.

So, here’s the good news—something you already know deep down but haven't had the guts to actually call what it is for obvious reasons—you don't actually give a damn about this whole "parental love" concept, you're really just chasing the ghost of your father's approval and nursing that old wound from growing up without your mother around.

Look, we can all agree on the basics here—a father is just as vital to a kid's development as a mother is, and when you’ve got boys growing up, that father figure becomes absolutely critical during that phase where they're trying to figure out who they are and how they fit into the world.

So you're basically sitting there implying that a mother's love—which, let's be honest, is pretty much the ultimate thing—can actually get to be a bit much sometimes.

Look, if someone says they’re "suffering because they're being denied love," they aren't exactly claiming that anyone's affection is a burden to them. I’m telling you this just so you can actually aim your little "search" in the right direction for once.

It looks like that’s how things are playing out on your end:

Look, let’s just be real about it—my old man completely missed the mark when it came to my emotional needs. He just wasn't wired to actually see me or understand what I was going through on a deeper level. It wasn't even a conscious thing, he just lacked that basic awareness, you know? Like, if I was struggling or needed some actual support, he'd just tune it out or act like it wasn't happening. There was zero recognition of the emotional side of things, which honestly left a massive void because you expect your own father to at least grasp the basics of how you're feeling, but he just couldn't get there.

Look, let’s just be real about this: your old man completely dropped the ball when it came to actually showing up for you emotionally. He just wasn't there, you know? It’s like he was physically present in the room, but when it came to actually understanding what you were going through or giving you that support you needed, he was totally checked out. He failed to meet those emotional needs entirely, and honestly, that's a massive gap to deal with.

Look, you’re basically just acting like some sensitive kid who thinks getting a pat on the head from everyone else is the only way to feel like your own existence actually matters.
It’s pretty simple, really: you get what you deserve, whether that's love or whatever else life throws at you—and if things go south, well, that's just how it works. You earn it, or you don't. Simple as that.

I’m betting that when they started cutting back on the emotional support, they probably went ahead and stripped away all the praise and rewards too, if you ask me.

Maybe there was just way too much "objectivity" going on—or, if you ask me, just a whole lot of unnecessary nitpicking. Again, I'm just guessing here, but it felt like they were trying way too hard to be critical.

Look, my old man basically offloaded the responsibility of looking out for me onto someone else, and let’s be real, that person didn't give a damn either. They totally dropped the ball when I needed them to step up, which honestly just left me feeling completely abandoned by him.

So what we're looking at here is this young guy who’s basically walking around with this deep-seated chip on his shoulder because he’s convinced he just isn't "worthy," all because his old man failed to show him any real validation when it actually mattered.

Look, Mom’s love gets trashed from the jump by all these self-appointed "authorities"—you know, the ones throwing around heavy diagnoses and stripping away parental rights like it's nothing. You didn't consciously reject her, but you basically subconsciously filed her away as being "less important," when in reality, her presence was supposed to be a given.
Look, it’s just a normal kid reaction, so there's absolutely no reason to sit around beating yourself up or drowning in guilt over it, but you definitely have plenty of reasons to get your head straight and fix how you're looking at the situation.

Look, we really need to stop conflating two completely different things here; you can't just lump them all together and act like they're the same thing.
I’m not even talking about love in some vague, poetic sense—I'm talking about THIS specific kind of love and that constant, exhausting demand he has for me to prove my worth just to get his validation.

Everything I said before still stands, honestly. Just try to put more focus on actually getting to know yourself—like, really digging into who you are, what you're capable of, and where your actual potential lies. Once you figure that out, you just gotta go out there and actually make something of it.

That’s exactly how you build up a sense of security and self-respect—that deep-down feeling of actual purpose, where you finally feel like your existence and everything you do actually matters.

When you lose that sense of self-worth, that feeling that you actually matter or have a purpose in this world, that’s when you slide into depression. It’s pretty much always the root cause. Everything else—whatever specific disaster or bad day hits you—is just the trigger that sets the whole thing off.

Look, you need to get your head straight regarding your attitude TOWARD your old man, not just how you deal WITH him. There’s a massive difference there. Your internal perspective—the way you actually view him and the principles you're choosing to live by—is what you really need to grind on right now. Dealing WITH him involves actual interaction, and let's be real, you aren't emotionally stable or tough enough yet to handle that kind of direct back-and-forth. So, save the actual confrontation for later; focus on fixing your own mindset first.

In the meantime, just make sure you don't fall into that whole "seeking validation from your old man" trap—and honestly, you probably will hit that wall at some point, even if you aren't even on speaking terms with him anymore.

Look, if you’re actually still talking to your old man, you really need to just take him as he is. Stop wasting your energy mourning the version of him that exists in your head or nursing these massive, unrealistic expectations about how he should act. Just accept the reality of the situation, without all the extra drama.

Look, you really need to try and get a grip on how you react to people in charge, whether you’re sucking up to them or totally losing your mind on them. It’s getting a bit much. You have this tendency to swing wildly between extremes because, deep down, you treat every single authority figure like they’re some ultimate symbol—basically treating every boss or leader like they're your own damn father. You can't just see someone as a person with a job; you turn them into this massive, symbolic figurehead, and that's why your reactions go so overboard. Just dial it back and stop making everything so heavy.

I honestly don't doubt for a second that you'll move past all this before you know it.🙂

P.S.

Actually, I just went back and read that whole section on humiliation, physical abuse, and how they constantly belittle anyone's achievements, so I’m editing my post here.
I get that it's hard to wrap your head around right now, but people who act out like that—especially toward their own kids—have this really twisted psychological makeup, shaped by all the toxic social habits and experiences they grew up with. They were usually beaten, abused, and put down themselves... and so, anyone weaker than them becomes nothing more than a punching bag to help them feel some sense of "power and control" that they don't actually possess in the real world.

The absolute best thing you can do is just decide to be a decent, loving parent to your kids one day, effectively breaking the cycle and refusing to pass on everything that was done to you.

Funnygirl 🙂

That’s exactly right. It isn't that my mother's love was missing, it just didn't really reach me because we were physically apart for so long. I'm not sure if I'm expressing this correctly, but I'm not exactly out there begging for affection; rather, I just feel that void through the mental health struggles I've been dealing with lately.
My mom's love is actually quite intense—one of her doctors even described her as being a very possessive parent. I love her dearly too, though I try to keep things within a healthy, normal boundary. So, a quick 😘 for my mom.
I find myself agreeing with most of what's been said above, though in my case, my father didn't just delegate some of the parenting duties to someone else; he handed off every single ounce of responsibility, literally.
And I certainly wasn't trying to suggest that a mother's love is somehow less important. As a kid, I spent so much time aching just to be near her, but now that I'm older, I'm just being practical. I've realized there's no sense in moving back home just because I love her so much. Honestly, given my current life with college and work, that would be a bit crazy.
On top of that, I'm at a total loss as to how to build a relationship with my father when he doesn't even believe me! I tried having an honest, heart-to-heart conversation with him about the serious internal struggles I'm facing, and his reaction was incredibly negative—he basically told me I was just acting out and running away from my responsibilities.
When I asked him why my grades suddenly plummeted in school, his response was essentially that I performed well when I was under control, but once that control was gone, I just lost interest.🙄 During a recent argument, he even claimed I was just wetting the bed out of pure spite... honestly, the man can't see past his heavy machinery at work, and when it comes to emotional intelligence—or the upbringing that should have provided it—he's pretty much at zero.👎

Harold Anderson3 said:That’s exactly right. It isn't that my mother's love was missing, it just didn't really reach me because we were physically apart for so long. I'm not sure if I'm expressing this correctly, but I'm not exactly out there begging for affection; rather, I just feel that void through the mental health struggles I've been dealing with lately.
My mom's love is actually quite intense—one of her doctors even described her as being a very possessive parent. I love her dearly too, though I try to keep things within a healthy, normal boundary. So, a quick 😘 for my mom.
I find myself agreeing with most of what's been said above, though in my case, my father didn't just delegate some of the parenting duties to someone else; he handed off every single ounce of responsibility, literally.
And I certainly wasn't trying to suggest that a mother's love is somehow less important. As a kid, I spent so much time aching just to be near her, but now that I'm older, I'm just being practical. I've realized there's no sense in moving back home just because I love her so much. Honestly, given my current life with college and work, that would be a bit crazy.
On top of that, I'm at a total loss as to how to build a relationship with my father when he doesn't even believe me! I tried having an honest, heart-to-heart conversation with him about the serious internal struggles I'm facing, and his reaction was incredibly negative—he basically told me I was just acting out and running away from my responsibilities.
When I asked him why my grades suddenly plummeted in school, his response was essentially that I performed well when I was under control, but once that control was gone, I just lost interest.🙄 During a recent argument, he even claimed I was just wetting the bed out of pure spite... honestly, the man can't see past his heavy machinery at work, and when it comes to emotional intelligence—or the upbringing that should have provided it—he's pretty much at zero.👎

A few things here:

Are you living under his roof?
Are you financially dependent on him?

If the answer is yes, then look, you aren't going to get your act together until you move out and get your own space.

Also, like I mentioned before, I suggested you establish a relationship "toward your father" rather than "with him."

What that means is you set hard boundaries for how you act and talk to him, and you simply refuse to let him put you in positions where he can hurt you. Stop trying so hard to make him understand; don't even bother debating your problems with him. Trying to do that is just going to drag you deeper into the gutter.

I get that you're trying to "explain" things to him so he gets it, but that message isn't getting through. If he actually had any empathy or understanding, you wouldn't be posting all this right now. He physically cannot accept your reality because doing so would mean admitting his own failures, so stop expecting it.

Sure, it would be amazing if the roles were reversed and your dad actually realized what he did and apologized. That would give you the closure and relief you're looking for.
But unfortunately, those kinds of endings usually only happen in Hollywood movies.

I don't live with my dad, so I'm not exactly dependent on him right now, though if I were to lose my scholarship, things would get complicated pretty quickly.
I actually tried sitting down with him to talk things through and hopefully reach some kind of understanding, but it just didn't go anywhere. I think I'll just start avoiding those kinds of conversations altogether, since it's becoming clear there's really no point in trying.

Paul Perez said:Look, I don't want to bore you with too much detail—though let’s be real, I definitely will—but listen: that one sentence right there completely changes the entire landscape of the problem you're dealing with.

So, here’s the good news—something you already know deep down but haven't had the guts to actually call what it is for obvious reasons—you don't actually give a damn about this whole "parental love" concept, you're really just chasing the ghost of your father's approval and nursing that old wound from growing up without your mother around.

Look, we can all agree on the basics here—a father is just as vital to a kid's development as a mother is, and when you’ve got boys growing up, that father figure becomes absolutely critical during that phase where they're trying to figure out who they are and how they fit into the world.

So you're basically sitting there implying that a mother's love—which, let's be honest, is pretty much the ultimate thing—can actually get to be a bit much sometimes.

Look, if someone says they’re "suffering because they're being denied love," they aren't exactly claiming that anyone's affection is a burden to them. I’m telling you this just so you can actually aim your little "search" in the right direction for once.

It looks like that’s how things are playing out on your end:

Look, let’s just be real about it—my old man completely missed the mark when it came to my emotional needs. He just wasn't wired to actually see me or understand what I was going through on a deeper level. It wasn't even a conscious thing, he just lacked that basic awareness, you know? Like, if I was struggling or needed some actual support, he'd just tune it out or act like it wasn't happening. There was zero recognition of the emotional side of things, which honestly left a massive void because you expect your own father to at least grasp the basics of how you're feeling, but he just couldn't get there.

Look, let’s just be real about this: your old man completely dropped the ball when it came to actually showing up for you emotionally. He just wasn't there, you know? It’s like he was physically present in the room, but when it came to actually understanding what you were going through or giving you that support you needed, he was totally checked out. He failed to meet those emotional needs entirely, and honestly, that's a massive gap to deal with.

Look, you’re basically just acting like some sensitive kid who thinks getting a pat on the head from everyone else is the only way to feel like your own existence actually matters.
It’s pretty simple, really: you get what you deserve, whether that's love or whatever else life throws at you—and if things go south, well, that's just how it works. You earn it, or you don't. Simple as that.

I’m betting that when they started cutting back on the emotional support, they probably went ahead and stripped away all the praise and rewards too, if you ask me.

Maybe there was just way too much "objectivity" going on—or, if you ask me, just a whole lot of unnecessary nitpicking. Again, I'm just guessing here, but it felt like they were trying way too hard to be critical.

Look, my old man basically offloaded the responsibility of looking out for me onto someone else, and let’s be real, that person didn't give a damn either. They totally dropped the ball when I needed them to step up, which honestly just left me feeling completely abandoned by him.

So what we're looking at here is this young guy who’s basically walking around with this deep-seated chip on his shoulder because he’s convinced he just isn't "worthy," all because his old man failed to show him any real validation when it actually mattered.

Look, Mom’s love gets trashed from the jump by all these self-appointed "authorities"—you know, the ones throwing around heavy diagnoses and stripping away parental rights like it's nothing. You didn't consciously reject her, but you basically subconsciously filed her away as being "less important," when in reality, her presence was supposed to be a given.
Look, it’s just a normal kid reaction, so there's absolutely no reason to sit around beating yourself up or drowning in guilt over it, but you definitely have plenty of reasons to get your head straight and fix how you're looking at the situation.

Look, we really need to stop conflating two completely different things here; you can't just lump them all together and act like they're the same thing.
I’m not even talking about love in some vague, poetic sense—I'm talking about THIS specific kind of love and that constant, exhausting demand he has for me to prove my worth just to get his validation.

Everything I said before still stands, honestly. Just try to put more focus on actually getting to know yourself—like, really digging into who you are, what you're capable of, and where your actual potential lies. Once you figure that out, you just gotta go out there and actually make something of it.

That’s exactly how you build up a sense of security and self-respect—that deep-down feeling of actual purpose, where you finally feel like your existence and everything you do actually matters.

When you lose that sense of self-worth, that feeling that you actually matter or have a purpose in this world, that’s when you slide into depression. It’s pretty much always the root cause. Everything else—whatever specific disaster or bad day hits you—is just the trigger that sets the whole thing off.

Look, you need to get your head straight regarding your attitude TOWARD your old man, not just how you deal WITH him. There’s a massive difference there. Your internal perspective—the way you actually view him and the principles you're choosing to live by—is what you really need to grind on right now. Dealing WITH him involves actual interaction, and let's be real, you aren't emotionally stable or tough enough yet to handle that kind of direct back-and-forth. So, save the actual confrontation for later; focus on fixing your own mindset first.

In the meantime, just make sure you don't fall into that whole "seeking validation from your old man" trap—and honestly, you probably will hit that wall at some point, even if you aren't even on speaking terms with him anymore.

Look, if you’re actually still talking to your old man, you really need to just take him as he is. Stop wasting your energy mourning the version of him that exists in your head or nursing these massive, unrealistic expectations about how he should act. Just accept the reality of the situation, without all the extra drama.

Look, you really need to try and get a grip on how you react to people in charge, whether you’re sucking up to them or totally losing your mind on them. It’s getting a bit much. You have this tendency to swing wildly between extremes because, deep down, you treat every single authority figure like they’re some ultimate symbol—basically treating every boss or leader like they're your own damn father. You can't just see someone as a person with a job; you turn them into this massive, symbolic figurehead, and that's why your reactions go so overboard. Just dial it back and stop making everything so heavy.

I honestly don't doubt for a second that you'll move past all this before you know it.🙂

P.S.

Actually, I just went back and read that whole section on humiliation, physical abuse, and how they constantly belittle anyone's achievements, so I’m editing my post here.
I get that it's hard to wrap your head around right now, but people who act out like that—especially toward their own kids—have this really twisted psychological makeup, shaped by all the toxic social habits and experiences they grew up with. They were usually beaten, abused, and put down themselves... and so, anyone weaker than them becomes nothing more than a punching bag to help them feel some sense of "power and control" that they don't actually possess in the real world.

The absolute best thing you can do is just decide to be a decent, loving parent to your kids one day, effectively breaking the cycle and refusing to pass on everything that was done to you.

Funnygirl 🙂

That is absolutely spot on; she also dealt with physical abuse when she was growing up.
Does that mean I'm supposed to just 'look the other way' because of her past? Objectively speaking, life would be easier for both of us if we had a decent relationship, even though, if I'm being honest, I don't feel any personal urge to maintain a connection with her at all.

Harold Anderson3 said:That is absolutely spot on; she also dealt with physical abuse when she was growing up.
Does that mean I'm supposed to just 'look the other way' because of her past? Objectively speaking, life would be easier for both of us if we had a decent relationship, even though, if I'm being honest, I don't feel any personal urge to maintain a connection with her at all.

Look, this isn't about "looking the other way."
It’s about whether or not you can actually move past old situations and old dynamics.

You really only have two GOOD options here:

1. Shut the door and cut off all contact entirely.

2. Establish a polite, functional relationship—something appropriate to the situation—based on mutual interest.

Every other option—stuff like "we see each other but don't talk," "the silent treatment," "acting holy," "ignoring her," or "poking at her with petty little jabs"... those are all INFERIOR SOLUTIONS that ruin the vibe for EVERYONE, especially YOU, and they just bring unnecessary drama and tension.

So, either build a relationship based on mutual tolerance and respect (as much as is possible and as much as the other side is capable of giving), or just go your separate ways—which also comes with its own heavy price tag.

One thing you need to wrap your head around is that most people who act like that toward kids are absolutely UNCONSCIOUS of the fact that they did anything wrong.

I’m telling you, you aren't going to "enlighten" your stepmother, or even your father, or teach them a lesson now, because they are genuinely convinced they did their absolute best and that everything they did was for your own good.

All you need to realize is that in this country, "discipline through physical punishment" was basically part of the cultural fabric until very recently. A huge number of people over the age of 35 grew up dealing with being hit or belittled within their families; it's only recently that some of the younger generation of parents have actually woken up and realized how messed up that is.

I’m honestly losing my mind reading this!!!! Sorry for the outburst, but, Harold Anderson3, I just can't wrap my head around what some parents do to their kids. You’re incredible, Harold Anderson3! You’re such a strong person for being able to process all of this so rationally. And the fact that you don't hold any hate toward those people—you’re just trying to look at things realistically—is amazing.

I can't believe that woman—your own stepmother—actually hit you just because you were wetting the bed!!! 😱 I mean, is there anyone out there with even a shred of education who doesn't understand why kids do that, or what happens when they get beaten for it!!! You already had enough stress in that little head of yours—growing up without a mother and everything else—and she was hitting you over bedwetting. On top of all that, you were actually winning competitions, and she still managed to belittle you. Then your dad tells you you did it "out of spite." Unbelievable.

But whatever... they probably just didn't know any better, because if they did, they would have handled it better... that’s how psychotherapists usually frame it... You’re on the right track, Harold Anderson3, I’m certain of it, because like I said, you don't harbor any resentment; you’re just trying to see things for what they really are. Yeah, lacking parental love during childhood is devastating and hard to make up for. But I truly think that one day, when you have your own family, you’ll do things differently and more constructively—simply because you learned from their mistakes.

Maybe try spending a bit more time with your mom; I’m convinced she suffered terribly being separated from you. And stay open with people—vent about what’s bothering you instead of letting it eat you up inside. Don't ever shut yourself off from the world. Wishing you nothing but the best, hang in there. 😘

All of this is just incredibly saddening, but I think you are a creative, smart person and you're going to come out on top of all this.

Harold Anderson3 said:That is absolutely spot on; she also dealt with physical abuse when she was growing up.
Does that mean I'm supposed to just 'look the other way' because of her past? Objectively speaking, life would be easier for both of us if we had a decent relationship, even though, if I'm being honest, I don't feel any personal urge to maintain a connection with her at all.

I don't think you need to "look the other way," especially since you mentioned you don't actually care about having a relationship with her. You shouldn't feel forced to maintain one—it would just be more stress and unnecessary drama for you. It would require constant effort, and those old memories would just keep resurfacing, creating constant friction. So—NO, just keep things with her to an absolute minimum and don't let it weigh on you.

Paul Perez said:Look, this isn't about "looking the other way."
It’s about whether or not you can actually move past old situations and old dynamics.

You really only have two GOOD options here:

1. Shut the door and cut off all contact entirely.

2. Establish a polite, functional relationship—something appropriate to the situation—based on mutual interest.

Every other option—stuff like "we see each other but don't talk," "the silent treatment," "acting holy," "ignoring her," or "poking at her with petty little jabs"... those are all INFERIOR SOLUTIONS that ruin the vibe for EVERYONE, especially YOU, and they just bring unnecessary drama and tension.

So, either build a relationship based on mutual tolerance and respect (as much as is possible and as much as the other side is capable of giving), or just go your separate ways—which also comes with its own heavy price tag.

One thing you need to wrap your head around is that most people who act like that toward kids are absolutely UNCONSCIOUS of the fact that they did anything wrong.

I’m telling you, you aren't going to "enlighten" your stepmother, or even your father, or teach them a lesson now, because they are genuinely convinced they did their absolute best and that everything they did was for your own good.

All you need to realize is that in this country, "discipline through physical punishment" was basically part of the cultural fabric until very recently. A huge number of people over the age of 35 grew up dealing with being hit or belittled within their families; it's only recently that some of the younger generation of parents have actually woken up and realized how messed up that is.

@ Paul Perez and fadedbear8
I appreciate the responses, and honestly, you're both right about almost everything except one thing:
I truly hate them. I realized that clearly after talking with my psychiatrist today.
I hate them for messing with my head and stealing my youth.
I hate that because of what they did, I can't just live like a normal young guy and enjoy these years; instead, I'm withdrawing from society and spending my time in therapy.
I hate my stepmother for exactly who she is—whenever her angry face pops into my mind, I literally feel a chill run through me. And I hate my dad for letting her be that way. I really doubt any kind of relationship with them is possible.
By the way, thanks for the help, you guys have genuinely helped me out a lot! My doctor didn't quite agree with me posting here, because she felt like I was doubting her psychotherapy, which isn't true at all. But she's the professional, so I'm going to follow her lead. Thanks to everyone, and a big 😘

haven't really had the energy to read through this whole thread, things are just a bit much right now..
just wondering though.. why the Zyprexa? I get Zoloft if you're dealing with depression, but Zyprexa seems a bit out of left field... I was on it because of my schizophrenia, so I'm curious. I know these things can run in the family—did you inherit it from your mom?
or did they prescribe it for something else entirely?

I don't know, I guess... maybe it just helps keep me level, because I know I can get pretty restless or on edge sometimes—call it whatever you want. But honestly, it feels like this therapy is actually doing me some good. It's not like I have schizophrenia, though I suppose I might have a slight fear of developing it. Besides, Zyprexa can also be used to help prevent new depressive episodes from cropping up. Mine hasn't quite cleared up yet, but we'll see how it goes..

So how long have you been on this stuff? And what’s the dosage? Honestly, if you’ve been taking them for a while and they aren't actually doing anything, you should probably just talk to your psychiatrist about switching things up. If they haven't kicked in by now, they probably never will, and it feels like such a waste of money... I used to get mine through Medicaid or something, because a box of $333... I mean, that’s not exactly pocket change, dropping that much every month.
As for the anxiety, you could try something like Xanax or whatever, though if you ask me, I’d say don't take anything at all. Those pills are nasty. First off, you end up hooked, and second, they usually do more harm than good. But hey, if you can't live without them, fine. 🙂

I’m actually on the same medication through my insurance. I’ve been taking it for about a month and a half now; we started at 10 mg, but it made me feel so incredibly drowsy that my doctor suggested dropping down to 5 mg. Did you find it made you sleepy too? I can't quite describe the sensation—it’s like being completely lost and tense, where everything feels like an absolute emergency that needs to happen right this second... I think that’s exactly why I’m also on Zyprexa.
How have you been holding up with everything you're going through?

Harold Anderson3 said:I’m actually on the same medication through my insurance. I’ve been taking it for about a month and a half now; we started at 10 mg, but it made me feel so incredibly drowsy that my doctor suggested dropping down to 5 mg. Did you find it made you sleepy too? I can't quite describe the sensation—it’s like being completely lost and tense, where everything feels like an absolute emergency that needs to happen right this second... I think that’s exactly why I’m also on Zyprexa.
How have you been holding up with everything you're going through?

Yeah, makes sense then... you haven't been on them long enough. They usually take three or four weeks to really kick in. It’s probably already working and you just haven't noticed yet. If that's the case, don't sweat it, you'll feel it soon enough.🙂
I started on Risperdal and it used to put me out for like 16 or 17 hours straight. Waking up felt like I'd been run over by a truck. So I switched to 10mg of Zyprexa. Didn't make me sleepy, just made me ravenous. Didn't last too long though, because I ended up getting diagnosed with anorexia right after... just my luck, I guess.
I get it, I know the feeling. Sometimes I get like that—totally scattered, thoughts flying everywhere, just non-stop overthinking until I hit total overload. Then comes the phase where my brain just goes completely blank, totally numb. And then there are days when I'm actually okay, believe it or not. 😬
But I'm managing. I'm off all meds right now. When things get crazy, I just stay inside. The visual hallucinations are mostly gone, except when I'm exhausted. The voices are almost gone too—way less than before. I'm not as paranoid, but I've definitely retreated into myself. I barely talk, and even when I'm in a good mood, it doesn't last long.
I don't know, I'd honestly rather be completely out of my mind than deal with pills ever again. But if they help you, stick with it. Maybe one day you won't need them. Hopefully it happens soon.👍

Harold Anderson3 said:@ Paul Perez and fadedbear8
I appreciate the responses, and honestly, you're both right about almost everything except one thing:
I truly hate them. I realized that clearly after talking with my psychiatrist today.
I hate them for messing with my head and stealing my youth.
I hate that because of what they did, I can't just live like a normal young guy and enjoy these years; instead, I'm withdrawing from society and spending my time in therapy.
I hate my stepmother for exactly who she is—whenever her angry face pops into my mind, I literally feel a chill run through me. And I hate my dad for letting her be that way. I really doubt any kind of relationship with them is possible.
By the way, thanks for the help, you guys have genuinely helped me out a lot! My doctor didn't quite agree with me posting here, because she felt like I was doubting her psychotherapy, which isn't true at all. But she's the professional, so I'm going to follow her lead. Thanks to everyone, and a big 😘

Well, looks like you're finally moving forward...
Just don't feel ashamed of how you feel (especially not around those old folks)

nimbleviper142 said:Yeah, makes sense then... you haven't been on them long enough. They usually take three or four weeks to really kick in. It’s probably already working and you just haven't noticed yet. If that's the case, don't sweat it, you'll feel it soon enough.🙂
I started on Risperdal and it used to put me out for like 16 or 17 hours straight. Waking up felt like I'd been run over by a truck. So I switched to 10mg of Zyprexa. Didn't make me sleepy, just made me ravenous. Didn't last too long though, because I ended up getting diagnosed with anorexia right after... just my luck, I guess.
I get it, I know the feeling. Sometimes I get like that—totally scattered, thoughts flying everywhere, just non-stop overthinking until I hit total overload. Then comes the phase where my brain just goes completely blank, totally numb. And then there are days when I'm actually okay, believe it or not. 😬
But I'm managing. I'm off all meds right now. When things get crazy, I just stay inside. The visual hallucinations are mostly gone, except when I'm exhausted. The voices are almost gone too—way less than before. I'm not as paranoid, but I've definitely retreated into myself. I barely talk, and even when I'm in a good mood, it doesn't last long.
I don't know, I'd honestly rather be completely out of my mind than deal with pills ever again. But if they help you, stick with it. Maybe one day you won't need them. Hopefully it happens soon.👍

I have to say, your way of thinking is a bit unusual; you'd probably feel much better if you had the right medication for you. If I knew for certain that it would make me feel better, I'd take whatever was necessary. My mom, for example, doesn't stand a chance without her meds; the moment she misses a single dose, the anxieties start creeping back and she becomes paranoid. Sometimes she even gets that way even when she's being consistent with her prescription, so she ends up increasing her own dosage.
She takes Seroquel, Artane, Haldol, and Norvasc, all three times a day. Either her condition is more severe than yours, or you've just learned how to live with yours and keep it under control.
Maybe for you, it's just a matter of sheer willpower. Whether you're on meds or not, hang in there! 👋

Kyle Nelson2 said:Well, looks like you're finally moving forward...
Just don't feel ashamed of how you feel (especially not around those old folks)

I actually called my old man today and just laid it all out—told him exactly what I think about his parenting and how he has absolutely no right to demand academic results from me at college when his own upbringing is the root cause of my struggles. It wasn't like he reached out to check in on me out of the goodness of his heart, after all.

Naturally, things got pretty heated. He’s convinced this is all just laziness on my part, or that I'm some kind of manipulator who only moved back in with my mom because I can get away with whatever I want...
His mindset is just so narrow; he doesn't have any concept of psychology or the fact that people actually have feelings, let alone understanding anything regarding mental health. And honestly, he ended up marrying someone struggling with schizophrenia. I mean, the whole thing fell apart after three years, but still...
In any case, I feel a little lighter now that we've talked, even if it was through a massive argument. I just needed to vent those negative emotions and make sure he knows that I hold him responsible for where I am today. Am I being fair here, or am I totally off base?

Harold Anderson3 said:I actually called my old man today and just laid it all out—told him exactly what I think about his parenting and how he has absolutely no right to demand academic results from me at college when his own upbringing is the root cause of my struggles. It wasn't like he reached out to check in on me out of the goodness of his heart, after all.

Naturally, things got pretty heated. He’s convinced this is all just laziness on my part, or that I'm some kind of manipulator who only moved back in with my mom because I can get away with whatever I want...
His mindset is just so narrow; he doesn't have any concept of psychology or the fact that people actually have feelings, let alone understanding anything regarding mental health. And honestly, he ended up marrying someone struggling with schizophrenia. I mean, the whole thing fell apart after three years, but still...
In any case, I feel a little lighter now that we've talked, even if it was through a massive argument. I just needed to vent those negative emotions and make sure he knows that I hold him responsible for where I am today. Am I being fair here, or am I totally off base?

You’re right to speak up—there's no point in bottling everything inside. He’s had plenty of time to reflect on how much you've been struggling, so it’s pretty sad if he still can't grasp it. Maybe he can, but he’s just pretending not to understand what you're saying. Some people are just built that way—stubborn, rigid, and they won't admit they're wrong even if their life depends on it; they'd rather dig their heels in and stick to a destructive mindset.

Stick to your treatment plan and keep working closely with your therapist. If you feel like things are improving even just a tiny bit, keep following her lead. I think you'll see progress if you stay persistent—just take it one small step at a time. That slow progress is what eventually leads to independence and feeling secure again.

Hang in there and stay strong. You've got what it takes! 🙂

Harold Anderson3 said:I think most of my struggle is actually captured right there in the title, but let me try to unpack things a bit more clearly for you all.
Ever since my parents split up—which was when I was just three—it’s mostly been just me and my dad, with weekends spent at my mom's place. He was always such an emotionally distant guy; honestly, I don't even recall us having actual conversations when I was growing up. Then, when I was six, he remarried, and I ended up spending almost all my time with his new wife, who was even colder and much stricter than he was. Growing up in that kind of environment really took its toll on me, especially since I was such a sensitive kid—probably way too soft for my own good, if I'm being honest.
Now, you might be wondering why I didn't grow up with my mother. Well, she has a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia, and because of that medical reality, the court decided it was best for me to live with my father. Because of that forced, rigid discipline, I actually did pretty well in school, but looking back, what does academic success even matter when you end up feeling like everything is falling apart?
When I turned 17, these mental health struggles started creeping in, eventually spiraling into depression. My doctor and I have talked it through, and we both feel like the root cause traces back to that total lack of affection during my childhood. So, how do I fix this? How do I make up for lost time? I'm only 19, and I feel like I'm already starting from behind.

I don't want to sound like a know-it-all since I've been in a very similar spot. My parents went through a divorce, and my mom was an incredibly cold, strict person; I felt exactly the way you do right now.
I realized the only way out is to really invest in yourself—study, read, work out, travel. That’s how you start building a positive sense of self-worth. As you gain that confidence, you'll find you rely less on antidepressants and realize the issue wasn't you, but rather the adults who failed to give you what you needed to thrive.👍

Harold Anderson3 said:I actually called my old man today and just laid it all out—told him exactly what I think about his parenting and how he has absolutely no right to demand academic results from me at college when his own upbringing is the root cause of my struggles. It wasn't like he reached out to check in on me out of the goodness of his heart, after all.

Naturally, things got pretty heated. He’s convinced this is all just laziness on my part, or that I'm some kind of manipulator who only moved back in with my mom because I can get away with whatever I want...
His mindset is just so narrow; he doesn't have any concept of psychology or the fact that people actually have feelings, let alone understanding anything regarding mental health. And honestly, he ended up marrying someone struggling with schizophrenia. I mean, the whole thing fell apart after three years, but still...
In any case, I feel a little lighter now that we've talked, even if it was through a massive argument. I just needed to vent those negative emotions and make sure he knows that I hold him responsible for where I am today. Am I being fair here, or am I totally off base?

You're making a mistake...
Not because you let it all out, but because you're asking strangers for their opinion again...
If you feel better now that you've vented, there's probably a good reason for that.