How to heal from childhood emotional neglect?

Kyle Nelson2 said:You're making a mistake...
Not because you let it all out, but because you're asking strangers for their opinion again...
If you feel better now that you've vented, there's probably a good reason for that.

Maybe you have a point and I am making a mistake...
but I just have this deep-seated need to share my thoughts and how I'm feeling with someone, you know?
Since I can't always open up like this with my friends or my parents, I end up turning to this forum instead.🙄

and it’s not even a big deal...
I guess what I'm trying to say is you just need to get into the habit of questioning your own views... you know, making yourself the standard you measure everything against...

Kyle Nelson2 said:and it’s not even a big deal...
I guess what I'm trying to say is you just need to get into the habit of questioning your own views... you know, making yourself the standard you measure everything against...

That said, I think it's actually a good thing that they communicate and want to share their experiences with others.

wanderingraven26 — great advice!

well, I don't think that's really up for debate...
it's just that—given how my own brain was wired growing up—I almost feel like I have to "insist" on using specific wording when asking certain questions...
yeah, yeah, go ahead and call me an idiot, but I honestly think it's better to ask "what do you guys think?" instead of "am I right?"

I'm talking about those different patterns we pick up in our youth that we basically need to unlearn...

but there's one thing I think is actually pretty important...

we all develop these different viewpoints and perspectives from the time we're kids. A huge part of that is how we perceive ourselves. I think @Harold Anderson3—and honestly, pretty much everyone else—should be asking themselves in situations like this: who am I? How do I see myself? What kind of person am I? What role do I play, what labels do I carry?

why? because we internalize this image of ourselves based on how our parents treated us, and then we subconsciously cling to it later... I mean, how am I supposed to prove to anyone that I'm smart if I have this voice in my head telling me I'm stupid? I'll just end up being insecure during, say, a job interview at a place like Google, and then I'll actually look incompetent... and that fake identity just keeps proving itself true...

instead, anyone who actually wants to work on themselves should be asking a different question: who do I *want* to be?
you have to remember that the psyche is like dough; you can knead it, you can reshape it...

so, @Harold Anderson3:
who do you want to be? how do you see yourself as the ideal version of your own desires? let that vision be your mantra so you can finally wipe away that old, outdated image...

Hay,

What you’ve described sounds like a core component of depression. It’s that single, looping thought that prevents you from getting anything else done. In psychology, we call this rumination—just spinning the same wheel over and over. Sometimes, these thoughts actually serve as a distraction, a way to avoid facing deeper emotions. I might suggest that next time you find yourself spiraling, you sit down and write everything out. Just get it on paper. Write for thirty minutes, then put a period at the end of it and move on. Another option is to set aside exactly ten minutes every day specifically for these thoughts. Write them down, and once those ten minutes are up, stop. The more you fight these thoughts, the more they tend to resurface, draining your energy even further.

It’s brutal when you have people—parents, in my case—constantly breathing down your neck for years, telling you you're incompetent. They criticize everything and nothing is ever good enough. It leaves a mark on your self-esteem and how you view yourself. People label me as "apathetic" because of it, but let's be real: all that criticism, even if they claim it's "for my own good," does far more damage than any actual help.

Parents... I get it. I know they aren't necessarily to blame—they probably didn't receive much love themselves growing up—but they could have at least tried to break the cycle with their own kids.

I really want to thank everyone for the support lately... but I’m honestly afraid I won't be able to pull myself out of this very easily. Or, if I’m being completely honest, I don't think I can get out at all. I feel like I've dug myself into such a deep hole, and I just can't see any way for things to actually get better. I keep getting more tangled up in my own thoughts, and I can't find the exit. I suspect that's really at the heart of my depression. It feels like when nothing you do ever goes right, it's only logical that you'd eventually lose the will to try anything at all—and that's exactly what depression feels like. Everything feels heavy right now, even just sitting down to write this. I find myself withdrawing more and more, and it feels like my mom is the only person I have left. But she struggles with schizophrenia herself, so she isn't in a position to help me. If I were to do something to myself, it would automatically mean I had done it to her too, because I am truly her entire world.

Besides, it’s not like we'd be losing anything, since we're all just struggling through these miserable lives anyway..

There’s really just one question you have to ask yourself—do you actually want to make it out? Like, do you love yourself enough to do whatever it takes to get through this?
It doesn't matter how much depression is crushing you right now...
It's kind of like when you step outside into that brutal, sweltering heat, and you don't even realize how bad it is until you finally step back into the shade, and then you can actually feel the heat radiating off your own skin.

Some things just take time, I guess.

Kyle Nelson2 said:There’s really just one question you have to ask yourself—do you actually want to make it out? Like, do you love yourself enough to do whatever it takes to get through this?
It doesn't matter how much depression is crushing you right now...
It's kind of like when you step outside into that brutal, sweltering heat, and you don't even realize how bad it is until you finally step back into the shade, and then you can actually feel the heat radiating off your own skin.

Some things just take time, I guess.

I started spiraling about four years ago, just a slow and steady decline. It didn't take me very long to admit to myself that I had a serious problem on my hands. Since then, I've spent quite a bit of time sitting in offices with psychologists and psychiatrists... but honestly, things have only seemed to get worse...
enough time passes that you eventually start losing hope that anything will ever truly feel better...

Look, maybe those doctors had the wrong approach or used flawed methods. Maybe some of the medications did more harm than good, or perhaps there's an advanced therapy out there you just haven't discovered yet. When you're young, it's easy to trust authority figures over your own gut, especially given your situation with your parents. Don't give up on yourself or the idea of being happy. Did you have a hobby as a kid that made you feel alive when things were tough? Some big dream that made you look forward to growing up? Let that be the thing that pulls you out of this depression so you can actually achieve it. Who you are right now isn't the real you. This is just a dark reflection caused by parental irresponsibility and immaturity. You have to leave that behind and find your true self. Have you tried getting out into nature, maybe hitting the coast for some sun when things get dark? For me, nature helps way more than people do. Being in the ocean and swimming is everything—the water cleanses you, and swimming itself is a metaphor for energy, control, and the ability to perform. Plus, you'll end up looking great 😉

Also, try experimenting with your diet. It’s huge. Cut out the foods that mess with your head and focus on the ones that actually lift you up

Then, try finding a part-time job. Take it one step at a time, and eventually, you'll be able to get back to your studies. School is hard; it requires massive willpower and concentration. If you're struggling right now, it makes sense—I've been there, and failing to hit your marks while depressed just pushes you deeper into the hole. People dealing with depression or any illness often find relief by indulging their impulses, even if those emotions seem childish or irrational. It’s basically regression. But after that, you come out emotionally stronger and gain better self-control

Come on, there is still so much you haven't tried. The best revenge against everyone who hurt you is simply being happy and being yourself

Kate Flores4 said:Look, maybe those doctors had the wrong approach or used flawed methods. Maybe some of the medications did more harm than good, or perhaps there's an advanced therapy out there you just haven't discovered yet. When you're young, it's easy to trust authority figures over your own gut, especially given your situation with your parents. Don't give up on yourself or the idea of being happy. Did you have a hobby as a kid that made you feel alive when things were tough? Some big dream that made you look forward to growing up? Let that be the thing that pulls you out of this depression so you can actually achieve it. Who you are right now isn't the real you. This is just a dark reflection caused by parental irresponsibility and immaturity. You have to leave that behind and find your true self. Have you tried getting out into nature, maybe hitting the coast for some sun when things get dark? For me, nature helps way more than people do. Being in the ocean and swimming is everything—the water cleanses you, and swimming itself is a metaphor for energy, control, and the ability to perform. Plus, you'll end up looking great 😉

Also, try experimenting with your diet. It’s huge. Cut out the foods that mess with your head and focus on the ones that actually lift you up

Then, try finding a part-time job. Take it one step at a time, and eventually, you'll be able to get back to your studies. School is hard; it requires massive willpower and concentration. If you're struggling right now, it makes sense—I've been there, and failing to hit your marks while depressed just pushes you deeper into the hole. People dealing with depression or any illness often find relief by indulging their impulses, even if those emotions seem childish or irrational. It’s basically regression. But after that, you come out emotionally stronger and gain better self-control

Come on, there is still so much you haven't tried. The best revenge against everyone who hurt you is simply being happy and being yourself

Kate Flores4, such beautiful advice. 😘
I think you're being incredibly constructive here—really lovely to read! 👍

Harold Anderson3, hang in there. Think about what actually brings you joy—do you daydream about anything specific? Is there anything you're genuinely interested in? Are there people you love (besides Mom)? Anyone you respect or look up to who might inspire or motivate you?

Harold Anderson3 said:I really want to thank everyone for the support lately... but I’m honestly afraid I won't be able to pull myself out of this very easily. Or, if I’m being completely honest, I don't think I can get out at all. I feel like I've dug myself into such a deep hole, and I just can't see any way for things to actually get better. I keep getting more tangled up in my own thoughts, and I can't find the exit. I suspect that's really at the heart of my depression. It feels like when nothing you do ever goes right, it's only logical that you'd eventually lose the will to try anything at all—and that's exactly what depression feels like. Everything feels heavy right now, even just sitting down to write this. I find myself withdrawing more and more, and it feels like my mom is the only person I have left. But she struggles with schizophrenia herself, so she isn't in a position to help me. If I were to do something to myself, it would automatically mean I had done it to her too, because I am truly her entire world.

Besides, it’s not like we'd be losing anything, since we're all just struggling through these miserable lives anyway..

I don't follow you. On one hand, you're asking how to find love, how to snap out of it, and how to escape depression, but on the other, you're undermining yourself with these dark thoughts, claiming there's no light at the end of the tunnel, blah blah.

Man, how old are you even? Just pull yourself together!🙏 👍
Work on yourself, make friends, find love...
Just take a moment to realize how many people in this world have it 500 times harder than you—people who are seriously ill, or those who have lost children or parents... add a single positive thing in their lives to that, and then tell me "you won't make it."

Look, if there’s one absolute truth in this life, it’s that nobody is going to step in and save you unless you decide to help yourself first.
Therapists are there to flag the issues and help you gain some perspective, and they can certainly provide medication, but they can't fix you if you've already given up and decided there's no hope left.

Paul Perez said:Honestly, the best thing you did was seeing a doctor when you did. It’s a huge win.

Those thoughts you're dealing with? They're called "intrusive thoughts," and they usually come with those weird "compulsive actions." On the surface, they're just reflections of some irrational fears running wild in your head. With any luck, once you get yourself sorted out, they'll just fade away.

Look, you can't go back and manufacture parental love that wasn't there—though I am curious about where things stand emotionally between you and your mom. But you *can* compensate for it.

Right now, your main mission is building up some self-confidence. Focus on school or work first, and then, at the same time, really push yourself to socialize. You have to do this ON YOUR OWN. You’ve got to swallow that bitter pill and make a real effort to fit in with people.

For starters, stop telling yourself "I'm just different." That mindset is just a trap that keeps you from actually solving anything.

Because of how things went down, you basically grew up way too fast, which left you with a lot of catching up to do. You’re going to have to teach yourself how to give love and attention, breaking away from whatever model you were raised with, and trust me, that doesn't just happen by magic.

Talk to your doctor about finding some training in autogenic training. It's a solid way to learn how to fight back against those destructive thoughts that won't leave you alone and helps you actually take control of your mind and your actions.

Just so we're clear, autogenic training is a skill you learn; it's usually taught by psychiatrists or psychologists. Just look into where and how to find a program—it is EXTREMELY helpful.

Also, just a heads-up: you should expect to feel this "hunger for parental love" and this sense of "irreparable loss" whenever life hits a rough patch. You have to learn how to move past it and live with it.

If you want some real "therapy," try focusing your energy on caring for someone else. Given your age, maybe getting a pet would help, or even just stepping up and helping your mother more with whatever she needs.

One of the most proven "cures" for situational depression is PHYSICAL ACTIVITY.
Pick a sport and stick to it—regularly, regularly, REGULARLY!!!

Diet plays a massive role in treating depression too. Avoid foods that might have hormones in them (like meat or soy), eat REGULARLY (this is huge), and drink TONS OF WATER.

You definitely need to talk to your doctor about how long you'll be on this treatment. From what I can tell, you're taking A LOT OF HEAVY MEDS, and those can become addictive if you're on them too long. Ask her if there's an alternative, like some form of psychotherapy that uses little to no medication. Either way, aim to get off the meds as soon as possible—in the long run, they often do more harm than good.

It's widely believed that the best medicine for people starving for love is actually the chance to give love themselves, since they have all this unspent affection built up inside them.

Think about it—maybe you could volunteer at a local foster care center or somewhere similar. A few kind words from you could mean the world to a kid who's in an even tougher spot than you are.

Hang in there. 👍

Hey! 🙏 You helped me too.

Harold Anderson3 As stated by:
My mental health struggles have made it difficult to build a social circle or find a partner. These issues don't just resolve themselves. 🙂

I have read through everything. I can only say that my situation is remarkably similar. I struggle with this quite often; my moods shift constantly. There are times when I feel happy, especially when I have support from others and feel a sense of belonging in this world. Then, there are moments when I lose all sense of purpose and drive, simply because I remember how miserable my past was. In those moments, I feel completely alone, and it is difficult.

Everything is fine for now. I believe I am handling things quite well; I have realized I possess certain strengths and look forward to starting college, meeting new people, and such. Otherwise, things would have been much worse. I am not entirely sure why, but I struggle to find where I fit in or feel accepted anywhere. It is difficult to explain. Even here on the forum, I see many intelligent people, and I find reading these discussions interesting.

I am available to be your friend, if you would like. 🤣

Honestly, I feel like being told things that way just totally wrecked my childhood...
As I got older, everything manifested exactly how you described it—just constant OCD and these intrusive thoughts that simply won't quit.
I’d always been leaning toward that kind of disorder, but during the summer when I was seventeen, I just completely snapped.
Words don't really do it justice, but even though it was "just" OCD, it was easily the most harrowing thing I've ever dealt with in my life. It was straight-up horror movie stuff.
That was the moment I realized a mental breakdown can actually be way more brutal than any physical pain.
There were so many nights that summer where I genuinely thought about ending it all, but I couldn't pull the trigger because I kept clinging to this tiny hope that it would eventually stop.
Time kept moving, but the OCD? Not so much... Once I headed back to high school,
it hung on for another six months, though maybe not quite as intensely, and then it stayed present through the rest of the year before things finally started to level out.
Nowadays, I basically describe myself as a recovering alcoholic.
I mean, I know I’ll probably never be "cured" or fully free from addiction,
but I can manage to keep things in a sort of steady state of homeostasis.

Between all that and dealing with social anxiety, connecting with people and building actual friendships is a massive uphill battle.
So yeah, I can definitely relate to what you're going through to some extent.
(Not that anyone can ever truly wrap their head around someone else's headspace or whatever.)

i feel good 🙂
Just wanted to give you all an update... I finally sat down and had some real, open conversations with my mom, my grandma, and my friends. Everyone really seemed to see right through me and offered their full support, though my dad wasn't quite on the same page. Honestly, though, it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Please, don't ever feel like you have to bottle things up inside; reach out to your friends, talk to doctors, therapists, or your parents... it truly is worth 🙂
In the meantime, the Zoloft has actually started kicking in, and now I'm feeling a little wild 😈 so there's that... sending a big 😘 to everyone

If you don't get that foundation of love from your family growing up—I mean, if it's just not there—don't hold your breath expecting someone else to just swoop in and fix it for you. In most cases, that's just how life works.

Lawrence Wells said:If you don't get that foundation of love from your family growing up—I mean, if it's just not there—don't hold your breath expecting someone else to just swoop in and fix it for you. In most cases, that's just how life works.

I honestly can't say for sure, but I haven't had an experience quite like that myself, since everyone—aside from my father and stepmother—has always been there to offer me a sense of security and support.