Looking for a connection

tinna said:This is awful 😱
I’m honestly at a loss for words.

I’ve reached a point where I’ve decided I just can't live like this anymore.
We’ve been "together" for nearly three years now.
My only hesitation is the fear that if I walk away, I'll end up making a massive mistake and regretting it later.
I find myself hunting for a valid reason to dump him, but I can't find one because there isn't one; he's actually a great guy. The only issue is this constant indecision, or whatever else you'd want to call it.

Three whole years?😲 I didn't even realize it had been that long!
In my experience, if someone is dragging their feet, it's usually been months of the same old stalling. It’s either a yes or a no. Sure, we can play the "friends with benefits" game for a while longer, but that rarely ever evolves into a real relationship down the road...
Is a few months really not enough time for someone to figure out what they actually want?

Hold on, what’s the actual deal with your relationship status? Are you guys talking every single day, or is that an exaggeration? How often does that actually happen?
How frequently are you two actually hanging out in person? I’m trying to figure out if this is one of those situations where you have a functional connection that just hasn't been officially labeled, or if you're strictly playing the "we aren't together" game where you just run into each other occasionally and leave it at that.

Taylor Swift said:Three years?😲 I just realized that!
For me, it’s been feeling like a stalemate for months now. It’s either you’re in or you’re out. Sure, we can play the "friends with benefits" game for a while, but in my experience, that almost never evolves into a real relationship later on...
Isn't a few months enough time to figure out what someone actually wants?

It all started when I was 18.
It was very casual back then.
We never even talked about commitment; we were way too young for that stuff.Is three years really not enough time?
Just to decide if you actually want someone or not?
I’ve developed certain standards by now, and I really need to get this sorted out.

Taylor Swift said:Wait, what’s the actual dynamic here? Are you guys talking every single day or not? How often does that happen?
How frequently do you actually hang out in person? Is this one of those situations where there's an unspoken connection that just hasn't been labeled "official" yet, or are you more in that "we're just seeing each other occasionally" phase?

It varies.
There are seasons where we see each other every single day, and then there are stretches where we don't see each other for weeks at a time, only to go back to being super intense again. It’s essentially a "friends with benefits" type of situation.

darkmason17 said:Not really.
Sometimes we see each other every single day, and other times it’s weeks without a word, but then it gets intense again. It’s basically like being friends with benefits.

Whoops! When you mentioned three years, I thought you were implying something way more heavy-duty than that, so I assumed you were.... 🙂
Look, I’m sorry, but three years of "friends with benefits" is just way too much! It never even crossed my mind that after three whole years, he’d still be sitting there weighing his options on whether or not to actually commit to a relationship.
1. You think you have security? What exactly constitutes "security" in this day and age? Honey, even marriages aren't bulletproof anymore. One day everything is roses, and the next—poof—they're gone!
2. Honestly, if you can handle an undefined status for three years, you must have nerves of steel. Please, stop with all that "but he cares because..." nonsense—let him actually show it. Actions, not excuses! Either he wants a committed relationship with someone he cares about, or he doesn't want one because he doesn't care enough. It’s incredibly simple, but when we're emotionally tangled up in it, we make it feel like some unsolvable puzzle. If he isn't looking for a relationship, I'll say it again: go find someone who is.
Fine—I’ll adjust my "time limit" rule in this specific case. 🙂 You can find people who are ready to commit whether they are 18, 20, 25, or whatever age your heart desires. But seriously, work on your self-respect so you don't let every random guy drag you along for three years while he plays indecisive.

darkmason17 said:You’re right about that.
From a guy's perspective, tell me—is there any chance this fallback option ever actually becomes a priority? Like, could he eventually see this person as someone he'd actually want to be in a relationship with?
When I cut ties, I cut them clean. I'm worried he just doesn't get that.👎

Some people just don't change. Period. People only evolve when life hits them hard enough to make them question why everything is falling apart or why they lost what they had.
I don't know enough to give you a definitive answer, but looking at the big picture? I don't think you two will ever find happiness together. Even if you did, you'd inevitably end up asking him, "How long did it take you to finally realize this?" and that would just eat at him. In short...
When you make a clean break, you have to follow through. Sometimes. I’ve stayed on good terms with a few exes. With others, I haven't. And with some, it was a total scorched-earth situation.
In your case, I think you need to make it permanent.

Richard Lee9 said:You can find people who are 18, 20, 25... whatever your heart desires. Honestly, you just need to work on your self-esteem a bit so you aren't letting every random person drag you into a three-year cycle of "maybe" and "we'll see."

Everything felt perfect at the very beginning.
I wasn't expecting much, which is why I enjoyed how things were going.
But now I realize I've become too emotionally invested. If I don't figure out how to move past this, I won't be able to find any peace.
I've made my decision, and I'm ready to face it.
Does anyone have advice on how to actually go through with this?
I want us to part ways with dignity, without him trying to guilt-trip me or promising he'll change just to keep me around.

Bryan Brown58 said:Some people just don't change. Usually, those who actually evolve do so because they've been hit by something hard—something that forces them to stop and reflect on why things went wrong or why they lost what they had.
I don't know enough about your specific situation to say for sure, but looking at the big picture, I honestly don't think you two could ever truly be happy together again. Even if you tried, you’d inevitably end up saying something like, "How long did it take you to finally realize this?" and that would just eat away at him. In short...
When you make a clean break, you have to commit to it... at least sometimes. There were certain girls I dated where we managed to stay on good terms. With others, we didn't. And with some, it was a total, permanent cutoff.
In your case, I really feel like it needs to be a clean break.

Is he worth having one final conversation with, just to close the door for good? 🙄

darkmason17 said:Is he even worth one last conversation? Just to wrap things up and then finally move on 🙄

Honestly, you’d be better off taking the guy down to a local notary and having him sign a legally binding contract stating he’s marrying YOU in five years—no one else—and then, well, let him do whatever he wants after that. 😲

But seriously, life doesn't work like a fairy tale... you’re going to have to make the call YOURSELF about how to move forward. 😎

My perspective:

The concept of being "unready for a relationship" is essentially a myth; there is only the reality of whether someone is sufficiently in love or truly interested.
It isn't quite the same dynamic for men, because once they encounter the right person, even the most reluctant individual suddenly finds himself ready to commit. This leads to those situations where a man leaves behind the person who waited faithfully for him to finally enter a serious relationship with someone else, leaving everyone baffled as to how he could claim to be unready for three years only to commit instantly to another.
In my view, this individual simply isn't in love with you, or perhaps he isn't interested at all; rather, he just enjoys having someone by his side who idolizes him and remains perpetually available to catch him whenever he falls.
He refuses to let you go out of pure selfishness, primarily because he hasn't found anyone else who captures his interest yet, and people like this can keep you strung along for much longer than three years until the day he meets someone who truly sweeps him off his feet.
This has nothing to do with his friends; the truth is that he has plenty of other options, and you represent his safest, most reliable fallback.

That is why you need to make a clean break, and the moment he starts making excuses or whining, you should simply ignore him. Do not grant him any more chances, because if he only realizes he cares after you walk away, he will inevitably revert to this exact same pattern—treating you well for a brief moment before sliding right back into the same behavior that has kept you stuck for three years.

normall said:It might be best if you just take your boyfriend to a notary public and have him sign a legal contract stating he’s marrying you in five years instead of someone else—then he can do whatever he wants after that.😲

Life doesn't really work that way, though. At some point, you're going to have to make the decision about your own future on your own. 😎

Something tells me I should try to sit him down for one last real conversation. I just want to be able to live with myself knowing I tried.
In all honesty, we haven't even had a truly serious, deep discussion in three years.

placidstag8 said:my take on this:

The idea of being "not ready for a relationship" doesn't really exist. It’s just a matter of whether someone is actually interested enough or in love enough.
It works the same way for men; once the right person comes along, even the most "unready" guy suddenly becomes ready to commit. That’s when you see those situations where they walk away from the person who waited patiently for them to start something new... and everyone is left wondering how he wasn't ready for three years, but now he's all in with someone else.
From my perspective, it seems like this guy simply isn't in love, or maybe he isn't feeling it at all. He just likes having someone around who adores him and is always there to catch him whenever he falls.
He won't let you go because he's being selfish, and he hasn't found something more exciting yet. People like that can keep you hanging on for much longer than three years, right up until the day they meet someone who truly knocks their socks off.
It has nothing to do with his friends. He has plenty of options out there, and you're just his safest bet.

That’s why you need to make a clean break. As soon as he starts making excuses, just ignore him. Stop giving him second chances. If he only acts like he cares once you pull away, he'll just end up repeating the same cycle—treating you great for a little while before sliding right back into the exact same pattern you've been stuck in for three years.

Your perspective is very similar to mine.🙏
The only difference is that I used to let people walk all over me because I believed everyone was an exception to the rule. But honestly, certain patterns of attraction and rejection are universal. They apply to everyone, everywhere.
I try to put myself in his shoes, but I struggle to wrap my head around it. If you truly like someone and you're in love, what could possibly hold you back from being with them, other than the fact that you aren't actually that interested?

darkmason17 said:Everything was fine at first.
I didn't expect much. It worked for me.
Now I realize I care too much, and if I don't fix this, I won't have any peace.
I've made up my mind. I'm ready.
Can someone help me figure out how to pull this off?
I want us to part ways like decent human beings without him triggering some massive guilt trip about how he'll change...

Starting a relationship is easy; ending one is the real grind.
No matter what advice you get, the heavy lifting falls on you—the actual act of walking away. From what I can tell, he’s been playing the sympathy card to keep you hooked. Your only move is to be firm and logical; you have to convince him that your decision is final and necessary. But watch out—even if you're clear, he might still try to manipulate you with pity. If he does, take that as your sign to cut ties completely. Don't even bother trying to stay friends.
Learn to distinguish between genuine sadness and a calculated play for sympathy. The line is thin and easy to miss. Trust your gut.
Good luck.

Bryan Brown58 said:It’s always so much easier to start a relationship than it is to end one..
No matter what advice you get, the hardest part still falls squarely on your shoulders: actually doing it. From what I can gather, he’s been leaning heavily into that "pity me" complex, and the only way through this is to stay firm and present your reasoning as clearly and logically as possible. You have to convince him that your decision is both right and necessary. However, there is a chance that despite your best efforts, he might try to play the sympathy card. If that happens, take it as a sign that you need to cut ties completely—there shouldn't be any room for a "just friends" arrangement if he won't respect your boundaries.
Be careful to distinguish between genuine sadness and him manipulating you through guilt. The line is thin and can be hard to spot sometimes. Just trust your gut and your own experience.
Good luck.

One more thing..
Looking back, I wasn't entirely honest with him about how I really felt. I kept dropping hints and watching his reactions, using those as a gauge to decide if he actually cared. I was hesitant to lay all my cards on the table.
Is it possible he’s doing the exact same thing?
Just keeping everything bottled up inside?
Or is that something a person just can't sustain for very long? I'm living proof that you can...

And one more thing, you mentioned that the two of you have never actually had a serious conversation..
Do you honestly have any idea what a real relationship with this man would actually look like?? Have you ever stopped to consider if what you are waiting for is even a good match for you, or are you simply clinging to a projection of who you imagine him to be?
The two of you just see each other here and there, occasionally running into one another without any real substance or depth. You really ought to reflect on what would happen if you were actually in a committed relationship, especially considering how little you truly know each other after three years if you haven't even managed to speak seriously once...
It is entirely possible that you are merely waiting for someone who wouldn't even be a suitable partner for you in reality. You seem so deeply infatuated that you are unable to see his true character or how poorly you might actually function as a couple, which could easily lead to the whole thing falling apart after only a month if you actually tried.

placidstag8 said:Just take a second to think about what would actually happen if you two were officially together. How much do you really know about him after three years if you aren't having deep, serious conversations?
It’s entirely possible you’re just waiting around for someone who isn't actually a good match for you. You might be so caught up in the idea of him that you can't see his true character or how incompatible you'd be in a real relationship. You could end up entering a relationship only for it to fall apart in a month.

He’s actually afraid of everything you just described.
He's scared things won't work out. In my experience, I was the one willing to dive in—even if it only lasted a month—just to prove to myself whether there was anything real there. If it wasn't, I would have just moved on. I know myself well enough to say that. I told him something similar, too. Right now, he knows he has an upper hand because he's essentially keeping me on a leash, which is why he only reaches out sparingly.
It isn't even love at this point; it's more like my own stubbornness in trying to win over someone who doesn't want me. It's an ego thing, honestly, and it's something I need to work on.
I realize the ball is entirely in my court. I've made the decision to walk away for good.😈
The hardest part is just hating how much I feel the need to justify my choices to everyone else.

I am wondering if your decision to end things is intended to serve as a catalyst, pushing him to finally make a choice for his own well-being rather than just drifting.

I truly hope it is the latter, because if you are attempting to win him back by breaking up... I honestly think that might be a misguided strategy.
Regardless, I wish you the best of luck.

darkmason17 said:I have this gut feeling that I should try talking to him one last time. Just for my own peace of mind.
The reality is, we haven't even had a single serious, adult conversation in three years.

Yeah, you’re right there. Especially if you feel like you need that final bit of closure. The most important thing—the absolute dealbreaker—is that you have to be just as blunt and honest with him as you’ve been being with us here.
And as for how to stop him from just blowing smoke and promising he'll change "someday"? It's actually incredibly simple. If he thinks he can actually pull it off—then he needs to start right now.

darkmason17 said:I know it’s all on me. I’ve decided to end things once and for all.😈
I just hate having to justify myself to anyone; it makes everything feel so much heavier.

Look, you don't even have an duty to explain yourself. The thing is, dropping hints just doesn't work with certain people... With some guys, you have to look them right in the eye and say it loud and clear. So, just speak up—tell him exactly what you think and how you feel, and let him know this relationship is driving you crazy, because you are honestly done waiting around to see if he’ll finally step up or if he’s just going to stay stuck like this forever. If he actually cares about you, things will change the very moment you have that conversation—otherwise, you just walk away.
As for keeping things civil afterward? Maybe you can pull it off, maybe you won't. It isn't entirely up to you; it depends on his reaction too. But if you approach this without throwing a bunch of accusations at him, there's a chance you might be able to look each other in the eye and grab a coffee somewhere down the road. Honestly, in the beginning, it's probably better to create some distance so you don't put yourself in a position where seeing him just triggers more pain and regret. You can avoid the finger-pointing if you go into the talk realizing that—just as you have every right to want more from this relationship—he also has every right to not want it. Unfortunately, we can't just flip emotions on or off like a light switch, no matter how badly we wish we could. He might care about you, but if he isn't capable of feeling more than that, then that's just the reality of it.

I want to take a moment to circle back to that headline of yours... This whole idea about needing a relationship.
The entire conversation seems to be circling the drain around how he doesn't actually have that need...
But honestly? Maybe you’re the one who needs to do some soul-searching regarding your own desperation—this tendency to cling to just any connection whatsoever rather than being comfortable on your own. I might be wrong here, but if that wasn't the case, he wouldn't have been able to drag you along for three long years like this; you probably would've started this exact same thread two and a half years ago. Just think about it—not even for the sake of this specific guy, but for whatever comes next. You don't want to find yourself in an even worse spot down the road where the other person wants a commitment, and because of your own sense of gratitude that someone finally wants you, you end up settling for absolute garbage... And trust me, it happens all the time. You really need to step back and look at the big picture; relationships are incredible when they're high-quality. But if they aren't? You have to be brave enough to say no, absolutely not and face the reality of being single—which, frankly, isn't always a bad thing at all.