Looking for a connection

dar said:Let me touch on your title for a moment... The Need for Connection.

... Actually, the original title wasn't "The Need for Connection." It was "How do you even understand people like this?"
I adjusted it to better reflect the actual discussion... though I'm starting to wonder if I missed the mark.
My apologies for any confusion.

Gerald Rivera60

Mad Scientist said:... The original title wasn't about the need for connection; it was actually "How do you even make sense of people like this?"
I tweaked it to better reflect what's actually being discussed here... though now I'm starting to wonder if I missed the mark entirely.
My bad for the confusion.

MS

Maybe you did, but honestly, I don't think you really missed anything. In a situation like this, both elements are critical. She’s clearly pouring every ounce of her energy into trying to decipher him, but it’s just as vital—if not arguably more important for her own sake—that she takes a hard look at that deep-seated need of hers, that fundamental dependency on the relationship itself.

tinna said:What kind of marriage 🙂 😲
I just want some sort of framework—some structure for our relationship.
I don't want to be sitting here five years from now hearing, "You're wonderful, you've been such a great support, but..." only for him to leave me for someone else while I was busy "waiting" for him.
I'm in no rush—not at all. I just need to know if he’s actually worth the wait.

Answering that would require a crystal ball!
No one—and I mean absolutely no one—can tell you if he's worth waiting for except yourself.
At the end of the day, you're the one who has to live with the consequences, not some group of armchair advisors.

unknown said:I guess I'm wondering if your decision to end things is actually just a way to push him toward making a choice that benefits himself instead?

It was my call.
To be honest, I think it’s less about wanting to leave the relationship and more about this deep-seated fear of being rejected.
It feels safer to walk away first than to sit there waiting to be let go.
I feel like I've gotten myself tangled up in something complicated, and if I'm being completely sincere, I don't even fully understand what it is yet.
😢

darkmason17 said:That’s spot on. Especially if you feel like you need to have that conversation one more time. The most important thing is to be just as honest with them as you are being here with us.
And as for stopping them from stalling you with those empty promises about how they'll change "someday"—it's actually pretty simple. If they think they actually can, then they should start right now
.

I find myself realizing more and more every single day... I can't force someone to want to be with me.
That just isn't how it works.

darkmason17 said:But maybe you should also look inward at your own tendency to settle for just any connection simply to avoid being alone. ... It might be worth sitting down and really thinking it through; relationships are wonderful when they are high-quality. But if they aren't—you have to be able to say no, quite firmly and face the reality that you'll be single for a while—which sometimes isn't actually such a bad thing...

I’m fully aware of all of that.
But you know that feeling when you're flying solo? Sometimes it just hits you... that I wish I had someone casual around just to make the time pass a bit more interestingly. Lately, everything feels a little muddled for me. Between actual relationships, my own desires, and the opportunities out there... I'm finding it hard to keep them all straight.👎

darkmason17 said:She’s pouring everything she has into trying to understand him, but it’s just as vital—maybe even more important for her own sake—to recognize her own underlying need and how much she actually relies on this connection.

That’s exactly it. I can’t seem to wrap my head around why I’m so dependent on this relationship... there's something holding me back. Maybe it's the fact that he treats everyone else so well, and it's just not like that when it's just the two of us.

Does anyone have any real, practical advice on how I can help myself and finally move on from all of this?🙂

tinna said:Exactly. I just can't wrap my head around why I feel so tethered to this relationship... there's something pulling me back, maybe it's just the way he treats everyone else, since he's clearly not acting this way toward me.

Does anyone have any actual, sensible advice on how I can help myself finally walk away from all of this?🙂

You really need to go check out the thread on self-esteem... and honestly, start looking into the perks of being single. Once you find that sweet spot where you balance personal growth with actually enjoying your own company, things change. You stop picking someone out of pure desperation just to have "someone," and instead, you start choosing a partner because they actually add value to your life—a life that was already pretty damn wonderful before they showed up.

Look, you're still young, but you're clearly trying to get serious about life.
The main thing is respecting yourself and actually knowing what YOU want. People can only manipulate you as much as you let them—period.
A smart woman once told me when I asked how her marriage was: "We get exactly what we make of it."😘
Just keep in mind that guys think and react totally differently than women (you know, the whole "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" thing), so don't forget that.
The more you work on yourself, the better your partner will be—or at least you'll attract someone who actually matters.
Good luck.

darkmason17 said:Take a look at those threads about building self-confidence... and really lean into the perks of being single. Once you find that sweet spot where you're genuinely happy on your own, you can start looking for a partner from a much healthier place. You won't be choosing someone just because you're desperate for company; you'll be choosing them because they actually add value to an already wonderful life.

That’s the plan. That is exactly how I intend to handle this. 😘

I haven't seen any posts from you yet! If you're looking to join the conversation, feel free to jump in whenever you're ready. I'm always happy to dive into a deep discussion or hear someone's perspective on things. Looking forward to seeing what you have to say. kaže:
It’s true that you're still quite young, but I can see you're really motivated to start living with more intention and maturity right now.
Self-respect is everything, but more importantly, you have to actually have a sense of what you want out of life. If you don't know your own boundaries, you're leaving the door wide open. At the end of the day, someone can only manipulate you to the extent that you allow them to. It really comes down to how much control you're willing to hand over.
I was talking to a really wise woman the other day, and I asked her how things were going in her marriage. She just looked at me and said, "Well, we get exactly what we make of it." It’s one of those simple, heavy truths that stays with you.😘
It’s definitely worth keeping in mind that men tend to process things and react quite differently than women do. You know that old saying about how men are from Mars and women are from Venus? Honestly, I think we should all probably keep that in mind.
I’ve always believed that the work you put into yourself is the most important investment you can make. It isn't just about self-improvement for its own sake; it’s about the ripple effect it has on your relationships. When you focus on building your own character, healing your own wounds, and finding your footing in the world, one of two things happens: either you become a higher-quality partner who can actually sustain a healthy connection, or you start vibrating at a different frequency that naturally attracts someone of that same caliber. It’s like tuning an instrument—you can't expect to play a beautiful duet if you haven't spent the time getting your own strings in sync.
Wishing you the very best of luck.

Men seem to process things differently sometimes... I’ve been wondering how I can actually demonstrate that I’m being serious about a relationship and that I’m not interested in playing games or using any kind of manipulation. 🙄 How exactly would that work?

darkmason17 said:Men just think differently... I'm wondering how I can show them that I'm being serious—that there isn't any manipulation involved on my part.🙄 In what way?

First off... don't fall into the trap of generalizations... men, much like women, are all incredibly different individuals.

Once you truly realize that trying to fit everyone into a specific mold is a losing battle, then you can start seeing real results.

Nicole James said:First off... try not to let gender stereotypes get in your head. Men, just like women, are all incredibly different from one another...

Once you realize that trying to fit everyone into a specific box is a losing battle, you can actually start seeing real results.

Thanks, I think I’ll take your advice to heart.
I truly believe that every individual is unique. I don't see any harm in giving someone another chance at a conversation; if it doesn't work out, then I'll know for sure it's time to move on.👍

tinna said:..how do I show them I'm being serious, that I'm not just letting them manipulate me🙄 How, though?

Mmmm....honestly, just trying not to get played would be a solid start.😁

Look, Mike. You want one thing, he wants something else entirely. Are you actually down for what he’s putting on the table? If yes—awesome. If no? Then just say, "Thanks, it was fun, bummed we couldn't make it work, but I'm out." Period. 👋

And yeah... don't sit there thinking three years makes it any different... three minutes is plenty of time to figure it out. Either someone wants you or they don't. Trying to play mind games because he's "this way" or "that way"... that's not your burden to carry.

But you're out here making him your whole world. Don't.