Dating, relationships, and being real

Looking through the threads here, it seems like a lot of people struggle with relationships. I’m certainly no exception, which is why I wanted to pick your brains about something.

What’s your move on a first date—say, grabbing coffee on a Sunday morning after a wild Saturday night out? Some people are naturally quiet but force themselves to talk a mile a minute. Shy folks try to fake this massive wave of confidence. Basically, we’re all just trying to project this ultra-cool, effortless image of ourselves. But there are days when I don't feel "ultra-cool" at all, and when I try to fake it, I just end up feeling pathetic. So, I swallow that awkwardness, play the part, and end up creating this persona that isn't actually me. Eventually, things progress, but then it gets incredibly hard to explain that this is just who I am—quiet, a bit lazy, an introvert who’s often lost in thought about something she doesn't even know exists. That creates these cracks between us over time, day by day, attempt after attempt...

I can see two ways this ends. Either I’m genuinely weird and screwed.
Maybe so, though I’m probably one of the few people honest enough to admit it.
Or, the second possibility is that I shouldn't have been performing in the first place. If it works, great. If not, she either gets me right away or we part ways peacefully from the start.

I’ve reached a point where I can land sex, but love stays out of reach. Why?

You gave me life, now show me how to live....

P.S. This might not be strictly "psychology," but that's how I'm looking at it.

Look, you already figured this out deep down 😉 ; there’s absolutely no point in pretending to be someone else or acting like you’re different from who you actually are.
We all want to make a great first impression in these kinds of situations—that’s just human nature—but you really need to just be yourself. Focus on leaning into your strengths and keeping those less-than-perfect traits under wraps 😬

It seems to me that there's a massive underlying layer of insecurity driving all of this—basically, a fear that if people see the real you, they won't like what they see...
That’s something you have to work through internally

It should be obvious to you, of course, that your chances of finding someone who actually clicks with you—someone who shares your interests and your vibe—are much higher if you stop the act. You have to be honest with yourself first, and then with everyone else, and just give yourself permission to be human; whether that means being moody and quiet sometimes, or just feeling lazy...

urbannomad12 said:...I'm considering something she doesn't even know exists yet.

So what exactly are you overthinking during all this? 🤔 Give me an example... (asking out of pure curiosity...🙂 )

urbannomad12 said:Either she’d get me instantly, or we’d just part ways peacefully right then and there.

👍

Ethan Thompson74 said:You basically figured it out yourself 😉; there’s zero point in pretending to be someone else or acting different than who you actually are.
We all want to make a killer first impression in those moments—that's just human nature—but you've gotta be yourself. Focus on leaning into your strengths and just keeping the flaws under wraps 😬

It seems to me there's a massive underlying layer of insecurity in all this—this fear that if people saw the real you, they wouldn't dig it...
That's something you really need to work through internally.

Obviously, you'll have a much better shot at finding someone who actually clicks with you—someone who shares your vibe and interests—if you stop playing a part. Be honest with yourself first, then with others, and just let yourself exist; even if that means being moody or lazy sometimes...

Yeah, that sounds great in some perfect utopia. But I'm giving you a reality check for our messy world. Take last Saturday, for instance—the usual routine where the whole crew hangs out at someone's place before heading downtown. I run into this girl who is, frankly, gorgeous. I go up to her, talk absolute nonsense, and honestly? I had one thing on my mind. She's smiling, looking like she's ready for things to move fast, and after a little bit of waiting, boom, we're at it. Later, I realize I was just being a smooth operator and didn't know a single thing about her. We meet up again a few days later, and the date is an absolute train wreck.

Fast forward a month: I'm out just wandering around, not even looking for anything. I bump into this perfect girl. We ditch our friends, grab a drink at a local pub, and end up talking for two hours straight. No games, no cheesy lines. It felt like I knew her better in those two hours than most people I've known for a year. Then, when I finally ask for her number, she hits me with: "You're a great guy, but..."

I can't help but wonder what would've happened if I hadn't treated her like a real person and just focused on the physical side. I'm 80% sure it would've worked. It turns out I fare way worse when I'm being genuine than when I'm playing the alpha male. (Ladies, trust me, it's all just an act 🙂).

Gerald Patel42 said:So, what exactly is running through your head during those moments? 🤔 Give me an example... (just asking out of pure curiosity...🙂 )

Honestly, I don't know—maybe just the meaning of life. It’s frustrating when people don't take my ambitions seriously or look at me like some kid with delusions of grandeur. Or even simpler stuff—like dating someone for three months and realizing you have no idea what they actually believe about religion or their long-term goals. I also hate feeling like a "know-it-all" whenever I start diving into psychology or analyzing human behavior. I mean, I'm not doing it constantly, but doesn't everyone get stuck in those kinds of deep thoughts sometimes? Apparently not.

urbannomad12 said:Sure, that’s exactly how things would work in some flawless utopia. Instead, let me offer a little glimpse into our rather flawed reality. It was a Saturday night, and like most groups do, we were hanging out at someone's place before heading out into downtown Chicago. I happen to spot this incredibly attractive woman. I approach her, rambling on with the kind of mindless nonsense I usually avoid, driven by a singular, primal focus. She smiles back, seemingly eager for things to escalate. After a brief period of anticipation, everything moves quite rapidly—boom, boom. Only later do I realize I was completely blinded by lust and actually know absolutely nothing about her. Naturally, when we finally meet up for a proper date a few days later, the whole thing turns into an absolute train wreck.

Fast forward a month: I head out without any particular agenda or intention. Suddenly, I cross paths with the perfect woman. We both ditch our friends and spend two hours tucked away in a quiet pub, talking about everything under the sun. No games, no physical advances, just pure conversation. For those two hours, I felt as though I had known her for a year. Yet, when the moment comes to ask for her number, she tells me, "You're such a great guy, but..."

I can't help but wonder: what if I hadn't treated her like a human being, but instead focused solely on my desire to sleep with her? I am eighty percent certain it would have worked. It seems that when I am being my authentic self, I fail miserably, whereas when I am merely performing the role of a "player," I succeed. (Ladies, please believe me, it is purely an act. 🙂)

This is an incredibly common phenomenon—it’s that classic, albeit tragic, notion that "the worse you treat women, the more they fall for you."👎 It is a sad truth, but a truth nonetheless.

urbannomad12 said:I wonder what would’ve happened if I hadn't treated her like a real person, but just focused on getting laid. I'm 80% sure it would have worked. It turns out when I act authentic, I fail way harder than when I just play the alpha role. (Yeah ladies, it's all an act 🙂 )

Look, if you get something, you usually get exactly what you were hunting for. If your only goal was a quick hookup, then yeah, you probably would've landed one! Especially if you can pull off the "bad boy" persona and you aren't an eyesore. There's no deep philosophy here. First question: where are you even looking for a "relationship"? If you're searching at 4 AM on a Saturday in some neon-soaked dive bar after you've already blacked out twice and start seeing purple unicorns, then it's obvious what you want and what she expects from you. It's strictly a one-night stand scenario. Even if the girl is decent, she's likely going to play the same game you are—trading lines—because you're playing the player and she's playing the party girl.
And honestly, those "coffee dates" a few days after a drunken night with a stranger should be illegal.

Just because some amazing girl blew you off after you two "clicked" doesn't mean the next amazing girl will do the same. There are plenty of great women out there. And some of them actually think about the meaning of life and wouldn't want to deal with an idiot. 😉 You just need a bit of luck to run into one of them.

placidwalker53 said:it's a pretty common thing—that whole idea that "the more jerkish you are to women, the more they'll chase you" 👎—which is sad, but I guess it's true

I don't really see it that way; I think what you're describing just applies to insecure people, regardless of whether they're men or women.

well, urbannomad12, what can I say? I suppose the right one will come along eventually. 😁
at least you run into interesting women once in a while, which I think is already a good sign.
but tell me, have you ever noticed one of those quiet, shy, almost invisible girls who looks away the second you catch her eye somewhere nearby? 😍

🙂 It’s happening to me too—you’ve definitely given me some food for thought over the next few days.
Honestly, I wouldn't exactly call myself a looker. Growing up, that really messed with my head—it did some serious damage, you could say. While other kids were all held hands and kissing, I was just standing there watching. I didn't participate. Maybe that's why I never went through those silly little childhood crushes—those meaningless flings everyone loves to reminisce about. Instead, I spent my time reading, playing sports, and hitting the gym. Eventually, I managed to build up some self-confidence, and then things really started moving for me. For a while there, I actually couldn't complain, though there were times I was totally trashed.

The issue is that it feels like that childhood insecurity stayed buried inside me. No matter how much my confidence grows, it’s always there, lurking. For instance, I don't think I have the knack for gauging if a girl likes me during that initial stage when we're just exchanging glances. The worst part is walking down the street, spotting a beautiful woman, our eyes meet, she looks down shyly... and then she slowly looks back up and smiles. And what am I supposed to do then? Run after her and make small talk about the weather? It's not that I lack social skills, but I'm just not prepared for a moment like that—plus, the only places I ever run into women are at the local pub, on the sidewalk, or on the subway.

urbannomad12 said:🙂 It’s happening to me too. You’ve given me plenty to chew on over the next few days.
Honestly, I wouldn't call myself a looker. That hit me hard when I was a kid, and looking back, it probably did some real damage. While other kids were holding hands and playing Romeo and Juliet, I was just standing there watching from the sidelines. I never really participated. Maybe that’s why I never went through those awkward little childhood romances—those meaningless flings everyone loves to reminisce about. Instead, I spent my time reading, playing sports, and hitting the gym. Eventually, I managed to build up some self-confidence, and things finally started moving for me. For a while there, I couldn't complain, though there were definitely times I felt like absolute garbage.

The problem is, it feels like that childhood insecurity is baked into my DNA. No matter how much my confidence grows, that old feeling never quite fades; it's always lurking there. For instance, I don't think I have the knack for reading whether a girl likes me during that initial phase where you're just exchanging glances. The worst part is walking down the street, spotting a beautiful woman, our eyes meet, she shyly looks down, then slowly raises her head and smiles. And then what am I supposed to do? Chase her down and make small talk about the weather? It’s not that I lack social skills, but I’m not going to pull that move in a situation like that. Plus, I mostly run into women at the local pub, on the sidewalk, or on the subway.

It’s like I’m listening to myself. Not in everything, but in most things. And like you said, I’m pretty terrible with women. Take me, for example: I’m always brutally honest about both the good and the bad. I lay everything out on the table right at the start so there are no surprises later. And what happens? The ones who don't run for the hills immediately end up thinking I'm joking or messing with them, because a month later they start nagging me about something I told them would happen from day one. So, my advice to you is to talk about yourself and your thoughts as little as possible. When you do have to say something, polish it up a bit. They’re going to find something to complain about eventually anyway, so you might as well maximize your chances at the beginning.
As for those women you pass by in transit? They're the hardest. You think you have a shot, but you don't even have an opening. With stuff like that, it's best not to give it a second thought at all.

I’ve always just been myself on first dates, and honestly, it hasn't exactly worked out in my favor. But since I don't have an ounce of acting talent in me, I don't really have a choice. 😁

hm, I guess approaching someone on the street or on the subway isn't always the smartest move. I mean, you might get lucky, but still...
it actually happens to me quite often, where I'll catch someone's eye a couple of times while riding the train, and usually, it’s just pure coincidence—they just happen to be in my line of sight
but honestly, you can tell when someone is sizing you up 😍 if it lasts longer than just a fleeting glance

so, are we talking about 'serious' relationships here or something more superficial? What are you actually looking for? And are you even ready? Like, emotionally mature enough for that?

playing a part is probably the worst thing you can do if you want something real, and the same goes for laying all your secrets bare over a first cup of coffee
that first coffee—or whatever the first meeting is—should really feel more like meeting a new friend, so you can just take things slow

though, that's just how I am, I tend to be pretty slow and methodical 🙄

the real struggle is just finding the right person

I was reading about how one of the forum members is always helping others even at their own expense, and I couldn't help but think how wonderful it would be to fall for a girl who is exactly like that😍

everything feels so rushed these days, even romance; it's like everything has to be instant, but I don't think there's anything better than falling for someone as you truly get to know them

Is that a utopia?
No, not if it's with the right person
then again, you do risk a lot by doing it this way, and you might end up alone

😵

The Dilemma

To laugh is to risk looking like a fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out for another is to risk involvement
To expose feelings is to risk rejection
To Place Your dreams before a crowd is to risk ridicu
To Love is to risk not being loved in return
To go forward in The faca of overwhelming odds
is to risk failure
But risks must be taken
because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing
does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrows,
but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow, or love.
Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave —
he has forfeited his freedom.

Only a person who takes risks is FREE

I was only truly in love once—and to make matters worse, it was with a close friend. Looking at the guys she used to hang out with, I spent so much time trying to reinvent myself just to fit the mold. Everyone says women want certain types of confident men, and honestly, there’s some truth to that. But eventually, I just hit a breaking point and realized that love shouldn't be about hunting for a specific person and then forcing them to fall for a version of you that isn't real; it should be about meeting all kinds of people until you find someone who accepts you exactly as you are—flaws, quirks, and all. I used to try to pick a target and then perform to win them over, which I now see is a total mistake in how to approach love, life, or anything else. Still... what if that flawed approach actually yields results while the "right" way yields absolutely nothing? Am I just supposed to wait for Godot?

urbannomad12 said:I used to spend my time hunting for that one specific person to fall for, hoping I could somehow engineer them to feel the same way. Now I realize that’s an entirely flawed approach to love, to life, and to everything else. But what if that flawed method actually gets you somewhere, while the "right" way leaves you with nothing? Am I just supposed to wait for Godot?

Honestly, I don't get why everyone obsesses over this mystical idea of love. Look, sure, we all hope for it eventually, but you need to live your life normally without letting it consume you. You have friends, family, your job, college—don't let your whole existence depend on one thing. People tend to romanticize love as some magic fix for every problem, but it isn't. Even when it's happening, it's far from perfect, and once it's gone, it's brutal. Sometimes it's better to just appreciate things as they are. You can have peace and stability without that constant, heavy longing where you're feeling lonely, losing your mind, and just completely screwed because you're waiting to see them again. Forget that nonsense!

Looking at the guys she was actually dating, I tried changing myself. Everyone claims women want men who act a certain way, and honestly, there might be some truth to that.

Don't even think about doing that. You won't be able to maintain the lie forever; eventually, she'll realize you aren't who you were pretending to be and walk away, leaving you in an even worse spot. Look at it my way: nobody is worth putting on an act for. If someone doesn't like me for who I am, they can move along. Don't take this the wrong way—I dealt with The Dilemma myself quite recently. Then it suddenly hit me: why the hell would I go against my own nature just to increase my odds? Let it go. Just be yourself. At the very least, you'll know that they liked *you*, not some character you were playing.

I’d highly recommend picking up *Think and Grow Rich* by Napoleon Hill. Toward the end of the book, he touches on why there's almost always a woman standing behind every successful man.

Yeah, you've got a point there, Charles Grant7.

Even if it ends up feeling like a bit of a letdown when you realize people just aren't worth the effort, I suppose there's no point in staying guarded. Honestly,
you have to take those risks; it's a mistake not to try.

soul_of_sidartha said:I’ve reached a stage where I can score sex, but love just isn't happening. Why is that?

Once you reach total "enlightenment," things flip—you'll be surrounded by LOVE, but there'll be damn little sex left for you.😁

Look, man, you're young—and if what you say is true, you've clearly got plenty of drive—so just enjoy the ride and go after those girls👍. You're overthinking everything, worrying way too much about everyone else's opinion and trying—in a weird, exhausting way—to perfectly sync up your mental state with the rest of society.

Honestly, this is one of those incredibly heavy topics where it feels like anyone trying to give a meaningful explanation or actual advice is just grasping at straws. It's tough.

You know what I mean!!?? 😉

Robert Stewart28 said:The Dilemma

Laughing means risking looking like a fool
Crying means risking looking overly sentimental
to reach out for another is to risk involvement to expose feelings is to risk rejection to Place Your dreams before a crowd is to risk ridicu to Love is to risk not being loved in return to go forward in The faca of
To show how you feel is to risk rejection
To share your dreams with others is to risk ridicule
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To push ahead when everything seems against you
is to risk failing
Yet, we have to take those risks...
Because the biggest danger in life is playing it safe too much.
Someone who refuses to take any chances
accomplishes nothing, possesses nothing, and becomes nothing...
They might dodge pain and heartache,
but they miss out on learning, feeling, changing, growing, or loving.
Trapped by what they think they know, they become a prisoner—
they’ve given up their freedom.

True freedom belongs only to those who dare to take risks.

Brilliant.👍

@urbannomad12
I honestly can't believe this... I have to admit, looking at everything you wrote—and I mean every single point—I see myself reflected there. It's the exact same principles, the same mindset, everything. I completely understand where you're coming from...
It feels almost impossible; I don't think I've ever encountered anyone who holds such an identical perspective on this. Is there some kind of catch here?