Sexual Dysfunction Discussions

Susan Booth10 said:...I honestly think it would be even harder to accept within a marriage, which is actually a good thing in my eyes. I truly believe—and call me conservative, outdated, or primitive if you want—that using porn or anything like that somehow undermines marital fidelity. Again, that’s just how I see things.🙂

Well, he claims it has nothing to do with being faithful because "we're still sleeping together" and it's all just "fantasy"... But we were just watching a movie together one night... and his hand was a much better choice than me! And then, in the middle of all that, he starts making comments like, "Man, I'd love to have her..." or "I wish someone else would..." After stuff like that, any desire I had just completely vanished.
I'm not some high-maintenance person, but sometimes I really need romance, tenderness, candlelit dinners, sweet words...
Marriage? What kind of marriage is that?!! 😢

Susan Booth10 said:Joe definitely doesn't have a leg to stand on. Especially when he says: You think your boyfriend is the only guy watching porn? That’s just totally standard. Every normal man does it .

Yeah, uh, totally.
I guess I kind of spiraled there.
It wasn't really right of me to say that everyone does it and that it's just "normal," because, well, if 98% of people are doing it, that actually isn't normal at all, is it?

Quincy:

Whether those guys are "normal" is probably not something you need to worry about, but saying *everyone* is like that? That's just not true. Joe is clearly showing how immature he is here. It seems pretty obvious your boyfriend has some issues, and honestly, I see a silver lining in the fact that at least you realize that. Maybe he'll realize it too. If he doesn't, and if this is clearly bothering you, then please don't feel like you have to force yourself to accept this as "normal." You should really think about whether he's the right person for you. I think you'd find it even harder to deal with in a marriage—which is actually a good thing, because I believe (call me conservative, old-fashioned, or whatever you want to call it) that using porn or stuff like that somehow undermines marital fidelity. Again, just my two cents. 🙂

If you ask me, I think you're the one who's being immature.

You haven't really explored your own persona or your partner's persona at all.

- Joe -

Duckie said:I honestly can't believe some people are out here claiming everything is being blown out of proportion and that there isn't actually a problem. I mean, this thread wouldn't even be blowing up if there wasn't something real going on here.

lol
Look, ladies, just take a second to look at who is actually backing up whom in here if you want to wrap your heads around one simple thing.
Women supporting women, right?

But then you have one woman who’s genuinely concerned, and another one chiming in with, "Oh, it can't be a real issue if you're just overthinking it!" (like, yeah, HE definitely has an issue because SHE is worried enough to make a post about it 😁), and it's like... don't you get that men and women just process things differently? Our natural instincts are different, but sure, let's just keep whining and crying about it instead.

Maybe give that collective hive mind a little breathing room and try listening to some fresh, new perspectives for once. For example, when we're talking about guys, maybe try actually believing what a man tells you.
I feel like such a jerk even posting this, but I'm truly doing it for your own good! And instead of a thank you, I just get called "immature" because I'm pointing out the obvious fact that men, well, handle things more frequently than the five of you on this thread.😁

- Joe -

briskjackal5 said:... regarding men, just listen to what a man tells you.
I honestly feel like such an annoying jerk posting this stuff here, thinking I'm doing everyone a favor, only to get called "immature" just because I'm pointing out the obvious—that men are clearly going to solo play more often than the five of you active on this thread

Fine then, why don't you give me your take from a guy's perspective? Why go solo if a woman actually wants sex?
How would you actually feel if the person you loved was right next to you, losing their mind with a vibrator, while casually commenting: "Man, I really wish this guy or that guy would just go at it with me properly..."
I bet you'd assume that would turn you on, but think about how common that's becoming lately... Wouldn't you start feeling pretty pathetic?

John Price said:Alright, fine, then tell me from a guy's perspective—why bother with solo stuff if a woman wants to have sex?
How would you actually feel if the person you love was right next to you, just going wild with a vibrator while casually mentioning, "Oh, I'd really love it if this guy or that guy treated me right"?
I mean, I guess it might turn you on at first, but just think about how often that would happen... wouldn't you start feeling pretty pathetic after a while?

That's just life, I guess... and since you've got more life experience under your belt, you'll probably see how much variety there is out there. Your situation is just one in a hundred different stories.

I personally know people who live lives that most of the women on this forum couldn't even imagine. I know folks who regularly do exactly what you described in this post, people who truly enjoy it, who love swapping partners... they're totally normal, everyday Americans, but that's just their story.

John Price, I just wanted to share how I think things look from his side of things. He was being honest and open with you. You're being honest and open with him. But, I guess that honesty just led you both to hit these massive differences. And I don't mean differences like which color towels you prefer in the bathroom.
Your differences go straight to the core of who you are as people.
He isn't going to change his habits because he genuinely enjoys them. He doesn't see it as a problem—because, honestly, to him, it isn't one. He loves watching, he loves the self-pleasure aspect.

You're more of a... romantic type, I suppose. You want an exclusive kind of love. You don't really think about other people when you're in a relationship. To you, intimacy is a deep connection between just the two of you, without anyone else hovering around. I totally get why you feel this way. You see all those girls, all his other women, as intruders in your space, like they're invading your privacy. Like they're people you can't call "yours"—you don't want them there, but he keeps bringing them into your private world. They feel unnecessary, like they're just getting in the way of the bond between you and him. That kind of connection is what would make you feel fulfilled and happy. That's what you're craving, and that's when you'd feel truly loved.
That's when you'd finally feel everything you want to feel and share with someone.

I honestly don't think he's the kind of guy a girl like you can build that with.
I suspect that, eventually, you'll just move on and look for another man.

I truly wish you nothing but the best.

- Joe -

Joe, it’s sad, but it’s the truth... Thanks

briskjackal5 said:Look, I’ve got some advice for you.

First off, stop listening to whatever that woman is feeding you.
I remember that thread where she was venting about her relationship with her boyfriend. It was honestly depressing to read—her whole story and how everyone just tore her apart over it. I mean, look, everyone is entitled to their own tastes and preferences, and I respect hers, but she clearly wasn't ready to respect his back then. She didn't give him any grace. To her, he was "disturbed" or "unnatural" just because he was into anal sex. While I think the community went a little overboard attacking her, I also don't think it’s her place to come in here and lecture everyone on what counts as "normal." Her mindset is stuck in this super conservative box where there's a tiny list of things that are okay, and everything else is labeled perverse or wrong and shouldn't be 😁

Secondly, you really need to grasp that people operate on completely different levels of sexual drive.
I honestly don't get why you're so shocked by someone being a voyeur. You find it weird and jarring??? Man, something as mind-numbingly dull as Big Brother—where I can flip on the TV and watch people spend ten minutes scrolling through a Walmart website just picking out... one cucumber... or one zucchini... or maybe some cookies... or hey, sure, let's go with cookies... etc.—is one of the most-watched shows in the country. Why? Who watches that and why? Everyone does, because people are such massive voyeurs that even something that trivial is fascinating to them. So how is it any different when it comes to sex?
Do you seriously think your boyfriend is the only guy out there watching porn? That is the most standard thing in the world. I was at my gym just yesterday, and these 14 or 15-year-old kids finishing up practice are already glued to their phones, scrolling through videos of girls in bikinis. 😁
It’s perfectly normal. It’s a healthy interest. If that’s truly the extent of it—if he loves having sex with you AND enjoys porn—then you can totally relax. Most decent men are wired that way. 😉 Plus, having a high libido is totally fine. In fact, it's actually a positive thing. It's the kind of thing you women end up bragging about to each other.
Just get used to the fact that your guy has a strong drive, and you’ll actually have a great time with him. 🙂

- Joe -

u
well, you've got it all wrong, and you didn't even address the actual question; you just answered a tiny part of what constitutes "normal." A MAN MASTURBATING CANNOT BE COMPARED TO BIG BROTHER because voyeurism is a specific turn-on for him (like watching people on a beach during peak season—that turns him on), and that isn't just some vague curiosity, it's a problem stemming from his past that you need to dig into to actually solve your issue. ASK HIM how long he's been imagining (or actually watching) people like they're objects, and obviously ask *why* he does it. Now, whether that's "normal" is the question, but what can you even judge as "normal" in sex? Is it just whatever makes someone happy or satisfied? And you should ask him when he realized what sex actually was. I'm guessing somewhere around age 8 or 9.

Donat said:Just a few thoughts here—since the guy actually decided to go ahead and talk to a psychologist, I really think he’ll find a way out of this porn addiction. I’m assuming most people reading this are adults who have seen their fair share of adult films or imagery, but what maybe isn't common knowledge is that therapeutic groups specifically for treating porn addiction have been around for quite a while now. It’s not about being preachy or moralizing; everyone watches what they want and pursues whatever interests them online or off, but when that "hobby" starts dominating everything, or when you start structuring your entire day and free time around it, then you've got a real issue on your hands. And look, porn addiction isn't just a guys' thing, even if it shows up more frequently in men.

Yeah, and honestly, everything she wrote is spot on and makes total sense, but the stuff that brings me satisfaction isn't an issue for me because I manage to balance it all within my daily routine and live with it just fine every single day. To me, the real question is ACCEPTANCE FROM ANOTHER PERSON. I think this girl writing this is totally fine and her posts are perfectly reasonable, but man, just try to imagine the kind of posts HE would be writing if he were in my shoes.

John Phillips47, you clearly have plenty to say, though it’s a shame your style borders on spam. Might I suggest consolidating your thoughts into a single post rather than ten separate ones? It would prevent them from being deleted for ruining the aesthetic and irritating our neurotic moderator. Thank you.

briskjackal5 said:You’re just more of a... romantic type... I really don't think he's the kind of guy you should be dealing with at this stage of your life.
I honestly think that eventually, you'll just end up looking for someone else entirely.

I truly wish you the best, though.

Thanks again for the sweet wishes, BUT... we're actually making progress here.🙂
After LOTS of talking (no hysterics or ultimatums—just focusing on cause and effect and how things felt...) plus an incident that forced him to rethink everything about us (some outside circumstances got involved)—the result: 🙂 😘 🙂 🙂
I know I'm rambling! But I love my Mr. Dream!.. We're traveling somewhere tomorrow—I have no clue where—he wants to surprise me! Isn't that romantic?🙂

John Price said:That’s exactly why we don't even have Wi-Fi at the apartment right now, even though we could easily get it hooked up tomorrow. We’re sitting here together in a university library (out here in Germany) and you want to know what he’s looking at? Public spaces!!! He just finds a way. Sometimes it's adult theaters, sometimes sex shops... The real question is: Is he an addict? Is there any way for him to actually control this "habit"???

And what man doesn't watch porn?
😕
Did it ever cross your mind that maybe you're the problem?

Besides,
watching porn isn't voyeurism.
It has absolutely nothing to do with voyeurism.

curka said:It’s not even that I want to spend my entire life scrolling through these sites, it’s just that I find myself getting out of bed just to check for updates! Is this actually normal? A guy in his thirties?!

In his thirties?

Try forty, fifty, or even sixty.
The issue here is that men have their own separate conversations away from women, so you don't even realize how much guys enjoy watching porn—regardless of how old they get.

We're talking about fundamental biological differences and the divide between men and women here.

cro Fag said:I mean, what man doesn't enjoy watching porn?
😕
Maybe it just crossed your mind that the issue might actually be you?

And besides,
watching adult films isn't really voyeurism
it honestly has nothing to do with being a voyeur

Hey, cro Fag, maybe try actually reading the thread here instead of just talking out of turn. 😁

It’s not even like there's some "issue" with her, because if there were, we'd be looking at a problem with like 95% of women whose partners are into that stuff. Plus, I don't think you're really hitting the mark when you say her specific situation "has nothing to do with voyeurism."
You should probably give the whole discussion a read.

- briskjackal5 -

briskjackal5,

Here’s my takeaway from all this:

"Nothing about him bothers me as much as the pornography."

"He admitted to me early on that he used to be a voyeur..."

"Whenever he watches porn, he definitely masturbates."

"How do I fight these negative feelings that porn triggers in me?"

"Sometimes he even goes to adult cinemas or sex shops... The question is: Is he addicted? Is there any way to control this 'habit'???"

-
Based on what's written here, she’s basically admitting she has an issue with porn,
but she clearly doesn't even grasp what voyeurism actually entails—she's linking it directly to watching porn. It’s obvious she doesn't realize that most men do this. In her mind, the problem isn't him; there isn't even a problem to begin with. It's just a fundamental difference between how men and women function.

DreamGirl said:Thanks again for the sweet wishes, BUT... we really are making progress!🙂
SO many conversations (without all the hysteria or ultimatums—just focusing on cause, effect, and how we actually feel...) plus this one specific thing that happened that made him really stop and think about us (it was like some outside force stepped in)—the result: 🙂 😘 🙂 🙂
I know I'm totally rambling! I just love my mr. dream!.. We're traveling somewhere tomorrow—I have no clue where! He wants to surprise me! Isn't that just so romantic?🙂

Oh man, I am seriously so happy for you guys! 👍 😁 😁

- briskjackal5 -

briskjackal5 said:I honestly don't think he's the kind of guy you should be dealing with.
Eventually, you'll just move on and find someone else.

I truly wish you the best.

- Stipe -

He'll get exactly what's coming to him, just in a different package.
😉

Sure, maybe a new guy won't masturbate right in front of her, or act totally dishonest,
but he isn't going to stop the habit entirely—that's just how things work.

Besides, I read somewhere that skipping it can actually lead to cancer—
it's just healthy to let it out; it clears the system. It's a necessity, plain and simple.

cro Fag said:and I also read somewhere that skipping masturbation actually increases your cancer risk -

Man, you guys are just so incredibly naive 😁

- Stipe -

briskjackal5 said:You guys are just being naive idiots.😁

- Stipe -

😁 😁
It makes sense—

Let’s flip the script here; it might sound a bit cliché at first, but why not give it a shot?

Take his own weapons away from him—but don't be aggressive about it. Instead, go slow, using a bit of feminine cunning and subtlety. Don't just dive in like a hungry dolphin looking for a quick fix; take it steady. And what's the goal?
People often fail to grasp what truly hurts or irritates us unless they feel that exact sting on their own skin. Hit him back using his own tactics.

If this is a deep-seated issue that you feel is genuinely significant (and you're the expert on your own life), talking it out or playing nice won't cut it—try hitting him where it actually counts.

Spend some time browsing the web, looking at guys of every possible shape and size, every race and build, all the niche content you can find (and trust me, it's all out there...), and give him the impression that while you love him, he's essentially just a player in the shadows. Make him feel like you're totally turned on and perhaps even a little "obsessed" with what you're seeing visually... which happens to be other men.

Self-pleasure? Let him know you're doing it more often and that you've discovered some pretty thrilling new channels to explore. Introduce a layer of mystery to the whole thing; let him sweat a little. At first, he might find it attractive or even a little kinky—since most guys are driven by those primal urges—but any decent, grounded man who actually cares about you is eventually going to wonder, "What on earth is going on with her? She's lighting up for other guys like a matchstick, and she can barely get going without porn featuring different dudes!" 😲

Confuse him a bit. Experiment. Push his boundaries just like he does to yours, whether he realizes he's doing it or not. You might get an answer out of it, I don't know—just a suggestion, I'm just throwing it out there.

Give it a try. And good luck—there's something to be said for when the scales finally balance out; that's usually when things start to resolve themselves. :-)

Chloe Martinez8 said:I can't believe some people claim this is all being blown out of proportion and that there isn't an issue. This thread wouldn't be blowing up if there wasn't actually a problem.
Most people say the issue is communication. It's not. If you're human and just tell each other what you think, things end there. Everyone just retreats to their own corner because nobody wants to make a move. I know from my own experience. It's not that I want them completely wiped from the internet, but rather that they should scale back... you know, getting out of bed just to check the latest updates!!! Is that normal!? A guy in his thirties?! Weekends are the same... start checking... finish checking... and I wonder how long this lasts. Will it ever stop!? And then they say everything is fine as long as they have something to watch! The day feels empty if it isn't filled with that kind of content. I don't know. No clue. Just stay quiet. Deal with it. Play dumb. Be blind. Be deaf. Ignore it. Live your life. And just drift away... because to me, THIS makes no sense. Where does it lead... goodness knows...🙂

Then again, someone could get out of bed just to check the score of the Yankees game or the weather forecast. For instance, my aunt turns on the TV at least seven times a day and opens the newspaper to see tomorrow's weather, and she's retired and barely leaves the house. My 27-year-old neighbor spends ten hours a day on video games. An acquaintance buys about a hundred pairs of stockings a month. My grandma spends half the day playing Solitaire. Another neighbor stays glued to his office for 15 hours a day. I don't know if I even know anyone left who isn't obsessed with something.

What's your addiction? 🙂