Dealing with an emotional manipulator

I'm wondering how that person actually functions?

The individual is highly educated, incredibly sharp (IQ around 150), middle-aged, and in good health. He smokes, doesn't overdo the alcohol, and travels the world quite a bit. He’s a gifted communicator and great at conflict resolution, though he's stubborn to a fault because he’s convinced he knows best—and most of the time, he actually does. He’s an incredible worker, right on the edge of being a workaholic, with a deep sense of responsibility toward his job and family in a somewhat traditional way. Honesty is clearly one of his core values.
He commands respect in his circles. He's the kind of guy you love talking to, someone you'd say would never even step on an ant.

Everyone loves him at the office, but he can be intimidating to colleagues who lack confidence.

His emotional life... it's a disaster. Numerous relationships—some lasting just a night, others several years—that all end in an explosion of negative emotions and a pretty messy divorce.
When talking about his exes, he claims they were bad people. He picks apart their flaws and can't see them objectively even years after the breakup. Any mention of past partners triggers a negative reaction; he always plays the victim.
At the same time, he’s able to rationalize everything by blaming his wife for all the bad things that happened in his life.

People who were emotionally involved with him regularly describe him as cruel, selfish, and an emotional manipulator. They feel diminished by him. He rationalizes every single word and situation, never letting himself truly feel emotion, or if he does, it's extremely rare. When crises or arguments arise, he frequently refuses physical contact with his partner, allegedly out of fear of being hurt. The way he handles it leaves his partners feeling physically repulsed.
After a breakup, most of his former partners feel manipulated and entirely responsible for the split.

He only leaves a relationship when there is absolutely no other option left.
Looking for partners outside of marriage wasn't foreign to him, usually justified by a lack of intimacy or feeling desired.

According to his ex, while the kids were babies, he was quite distant, justifying it by saying the baby couldn't engage in "verbal or conscious communication" with him. Essentially, his connection changed as the child grew older.

He reportedly has a poor relationship with his older child, which boils down to a sentiment like, "If the kid wants to talk to me, they'll make an effort; I'm not going to beg."

What's the takeaway here?

And his name is David... you forgot that part🙂

So, I'm curious to hear everyone's thoughts here.🙂

It’s crazy how often we surround ourselves with people who seem absolutely perfect—just wonderful, right? Then something actually happens, and they turn out to be total jerks.

Okay, look, I tried to keep things fair and give an objective take on 😁 that person.
I could have just called them a complete bottom-feeder.
🙂The guy walked out on his wife after cheating behind her back for months, and honestly, she knew and stayed in that marriage anyway.

Look, I'm not even kidding here🙂 you basically just laid out everything about a guy I know, word for word. You absolutely shredded his entire life story down to the tiniest details🙏

What's your honest take?

Because with my guy... at first, everything is perfect. He's tolerant, attentive, super supportive... basically an extended honeymoon phase😁 ...but then the petty stuff starts. Like, "you didn't do this" or "you just don't care anymore." Or even something small, like me grabbing my own plate, which is totally normal to get annoyed about, but he completely loses his mind. He literally grills me like I'm being interrogated by the FBI... and decides that if I actually cared, I would have brought him his plate too. It's crazy how he rationalizes these tiny things...

Yet, at the same time, he’s great when we go out. He always makes sure to check in, he's thoughtful, he never misses birthdays or anniversaries. You'd honestly think he was the perfect partner...

Basically, the marriage failed because she was the problem. She’s a bad partner, a terrible mother, a mess at home, and totally intolerant—even threatening that they'd take her kids away, blah blah blah...🙄 It went so far that he actually told her she was mentally unstable.
He was cheating for months. She tried to stay just because she was terrified of what life would look like after a divorce. She didn't have a job; she had been a stay-at-home mom for almost 15 years with two kids, never worked since high school. Even now, she can't forgive herself for sticking around that last year while he was cheating, even though she knew. He just justifies the cheating by saying things were lacking in the marriage and told her it was her own fault. If she wants to leave, she should just go.

He convinced her using "rational" arguments that he was the one trying to save the marriage, claiming he did everything while she did nothing.

Someone acting like this is just emotionally stunted. They struggle to connect with others because, honestly, they can’t even stand being alone with themselves. It's easier for them to point fingers at everyone else's flaws rather than facing their own. It's a massive ego trip, though—and if they're lucky, they might actually have the potential to fix it one day.
But until that lightbulb moment hits, they’ll keep acting like they're "above" everyone else. In reality, they're just using that fake superiority to mask their weaknesses and dodge the hard work required to build a healthy, adult relationship.

Manipulation is a funny thing; it eventually starts tricking the manipulator too. They fall into this subconscious loop where they think they're always winning, regardless of the wreckage they leave behind. Once this pattern takes hold, their ego runs wild. They lose the ability to be genuine, and the line between being spontaneous and playing a scripted role completely vanishes. Before you know it, we end up with this bizarre role reversal: the manipulator plays the eternal victim, while the actual victims end up looking like the villains.

My advice? Run for the hills and don't look back.👋

Sarah James4 said:He basically gaslit her using all this "logical" nonsense, claiming he was the one fighting to save the marriage while she just sat there doing nothing...

Oh, absolutely. These guys can be incredibly rational, using twisted logic to justify every single messed up thing they do.
They can also play the part perfectly—acting super attentive, gentle, and looking like the total dream man at first glance...

But then they turn around and become absolutely ruthless because they’ll do whatever it takes to get their way...
They're usually smooth talkers, full of charm and persistence, but underneath it all, they're just slimy predators who couldn't care less about the people they crush along the way...
Take this guy I know, for example: he was actually hitting on two different women at the exact same time he was going through a messy divorce... he even tried to patch things up with his wife at one point... but it was already too late, everything had already imploded...

How can I convince her that he’s just emotionally immature? That his behavior played a huge part in why the marriage is falling apart?
I think she knows deep down that it takes two people to wreck a marriage, and she isn't trying to dodge responsibility... but she's totally convinced that everything he says is the absolute truth. She thinks she's the villain in this whole story. It's gotten to the point where he plays the victim, asking things like, "Why are you making me out to be such a bad guy?" or "I didn't realize I was such a terrible person in your eyes."🙄 And this is all happening after endless talks meant to save the marriage or find some peace.

He actually pushed her to see a therapist.

Man, people... she is just completely broken. She's torn apart by guilt and worry for the kids.

She told me the other day that he once told her she feels too guilty to leave him because she doesn't know how to explain it to the kids, or that she'd be abandoning him.

😲

It's honestly terrifying to watch. In my opinion, he's a manipulator.

Sarah James4 said:How can I make her realize he’s just emotionally stunted? That his immaturity played a massive role in why their marriage is falling apart?
Honestly, I think she knows deep down that it takes two people to wreck a relationship, but she refuses to dodge the responsibility... she’s totally convinced that whatever he says is the gospel truth. She’s cast herself as the villain in this whole drama... to the point where he turns it back on her by asking things like, "Why are you accusing me of being so bad?" or "I didn't realize I was such a terrible person in your eyes"... and this happens even after endless, exhausting talks meant to save the marriage or find common ground.🙄

People, seriously... the poor woman is a mess. She's completely torn up by guilt and terrified about what happens to the kids...

She actually told me the other day... at one point, he told her she feels too guilty to leave him because she doesn't know how to explain it to the children, or that she’d be abandoning him.

😲

That is absolutely terrifying to me... honestly? I think he's a manipulator.

Once she finally gets some distance from him, she'll see the full picture. Right now, she only sees the tiny fragment of the mosaic he wants her to see. Her own self-doubt is just masking the reality, and he's using that lack of confidence against her.

And if she stays? Then she's essentially chosen a life with an emotional abuser, which is just going to lead to total burnout and physical illness.👎

It's heartbreaking.😠

wearyowl29 said:Manipulation can actually backfire on the person doing it. They unconsciously fall into a pattern where they always win, no matter who gets hurt. It builds up their ego and blurs the line between being genuine and just acting a part. Eventually, you end up with a manipulator playing the victim while the actual victims turn into the aggressors.

My advice? Just run. Avoid them at all costs.👋

I think—and I might be wrong here—but he isn't even aware of it. To him, everything he does makes perfect sense. He’ll justify it until you're convinced his version is the only truth there is.

And then there's the way he handles vulnerability. If you show any kind of weakness, especially emotional, he reacts with total indignation. He mocks it and pressures you to be "tough." He even admits himself that he just doesn't get emotional stuff.

I honestly think he knows exactly what he’s doing, though maybe he’ll only realize it once someone finally turns the tables on him.

At some point in his life, I guess he was just "taught"—you know, through how people treated him—that being a good person or actually caring about anyone isn't worth the trouble. To him, emotions aren't something to experience; they're just tools for manipulation, probably because that’s all he ever experienced growing up.

That’s why he still puts on this whole "nice guy" act. He’s just clinging to the appearance of who he used to be. But don't let that fool you; he’s sharp, and he goes into these schemes with a plan, exploiting everyone else's weaknesses. He can sense them easily, I think, mostly because he knows his own flaws and remembers exactly how people used them against him. It’s like... an upgraded version of a bully, just more polished after getting an education and a career.

All this justifying he does? It’s just an excuse. Even if his behavior is deeply ingrained—kind of a sadistic streak, really—there’s definitely an emotional side to it. Deep down, he’s hurting. He can't seem to process certain things, and he clearly hasn't healed from his past. If he ever actually decided to deal with that—which, let’s be real, I highly doubt—that's where he'd have to start.

You see who he truly is by looking at his work. That’s where he shows off his strengths, mainly because there are no emotions involved there to get in the way. Nobody can hurt him in that environment... well, except for the cruelty he shows even there. I’m no expert, but I’ve heard that sadistic tendencies usually start forming pretty early, maybe before a kid even hits middle school.
He’s emotionally walled off, and maybe even a little paranoid. There's that old saying that paranoia is the peak of a rational mind, and I guess that fits him perfectly.

I’d argue that, as an individual, he simply lacked any decent role models—those people who teach you what’s actually normal versus what isn't. Perhaps his parents didn't quite know how to express genuine affection or care, choosing instead to just fuel this relentless ambition. In the early days of his marriage, he saw people behaving in certain ways, but it was all just superficial mannerisms; once things get real, he seems to lose his footing entirely. As for his wife, she might find some peace visiting a therapist just to hear that she isn't the problem here. And him? He might not be a bad person at heart, but he’s merely acting out the patterns he was taught. He’s essentially exposing his own "knowledge gaps" and defending himself using the only outdated toolkit he has.

An emotional manipulator, you say?
If what you're writing is any indication, they’d be a pretty terrible one at that...
Phew. 😁

I would characterize them as emotionally invalid.

It’s common to see people who excel in certain areas while being completely deficient in others.

Emotional and abstract intelligence are entirely separate faculties. However, one can use abstract reasoning to mimic emotional intelligence to an extent by simply analyzing a situation and performing the expected social script. This allows for manipulation even in the absence of genuine empathy. For instance, someone might simply recite a comforting phrase without actually feeling any connection to the person suffering.

Based on how this individual treats his own children, I would conclude he lacks access to his own emotions. There are people—often men—who experience physical symptoms like a knot in their stomach or sweaty palms, yet remain entirely unaware that they are actually feeling fear. Perhaps this is a mild form of autism. Or perhaps he is merely shielding himself from the inevitable pain of a breakup, given his track record with women and his general disposition.

Maybe gift her a copy of "Moral Abuse." It might help some things click once she has a moment to sit with it alone—to really see how clearly this psychiatrist outlines that specific pattern of behavior. From what I gather, based on their massive amount of experience, there’s really only one way out for victims of this kind of treatment: walking away and leaving it all behind.
Personally, that book was a lifesaver because my old man was exactly like that. I lived with this constant, gnawing sense of guilt, constantly trying to make sense of him—trying a million different ways to fix things through "open communication." It never worked. After reading that book, I finally found a bit of peace. I had to accept that he simply is who he is, and the only thing I can actually do for myself is distance myself from him... and then, maybe after enough time has passed, try to forgive him for everything. It’s hard, though....

Sarah James4 said:What’s the takeaway here?

Honestly, what you wrote isn't even a masterclass in emotional manipulation.
It sounds more like a description of your average jerk.

Real manipulation is a lot more intricate; when it doesn't carry a negative stigma, it often feels more like a defense mechanism to me.

I just said I "think" he might be, I wasn't making any claims... that's why I posted it, to see what you guys thought. I honestly have no clue what an emotional manipulator actually looks like.

Sure, my mom tried to pull something 😁, but then again, whose mother hasn't 😬 😉

I know a man just like this; I was involved with him for all of ten days before I fled for my life.
He is an incredibly taxing and draining individual who will suck every ounce of vitality and joy right out of you. He offers absolutely nothing in return, yet you find yourself mistakenly believing there might be some shred of genuine affection because he directs such intense focus toward you—even if that attention is purely negative, consisting of nothing but constant interrogation, accusations, and jealousy. In the end, despite the fact that he never truly cared for you at all, he will somehow manage to manipulate you into believing that YOU were the problem and that YOU were the one who caused him harm.