Always the underdog!

The admins might tell me this thread is in the wrong section, but I honestly feel like I need some professional perspective here. This is the third time in my life I’ve found myself as the "other woman"—call it whatever you want—and every single one of these relationships has been devastating for me. It looks like this third one is following the same destructive pattern, yet I still can't seem to just say no.

What is actually wrong with me?

You are an emotional masochist.

Carl Cox3 said:You are an emotional masochist.

So how am I supposed to avoid being an emotional masochist... or is it just my fate?

I am no psychiatrist, but it seems to me you are either starved for attention or simply find comfort in your own suffering because you feel you deserve it. Is it not easier to stay in that cycle? Just walk away from those people 🙂

I’m currently tearing through this book *Toxic Parents*, and honestly, I can't stop swearing because every single page hits way too close to home... it's freaking spot on.
You should probably pick up a copy and see if you can spot your own baggage in there.
Highly recommend it to everyone, seriously.

Carl Cox3 said:I am no psychiatrist, but it seems to me you are either starved for attention or simply find comfort in your own suffering because you feel you deserve it. Is it not easier to stay in that cycle? Just walk away from those people 🙂

Even if you aren't a pro, you hit the nail on the head. I've spent my whole life craving affection and validation, and half the time I convince myself I don't get it because I'm just a bad person who deserves the loneliness... 🤷

granitesurfer36 said:Even if you aren't a pro, you hit the nail on the head. I've spent my whole life craving affection and validation, and half the time I convince myself I don't get it because I'm just a bad person who deserves the loneliness... 🤷

Life is a joke and the irony is constant—the loud, obnoxious types grab all the spotlight, while the good ones (who usually stay quiet) just fade into the background.
What you’re feeling is completely valid. Every single one of us deserves attention and recognition, regardless of who we are. It really comes down to how we define ourselves through other people. We build our self-awareness based on their reactions; when someone showers us with affection, it validates that we’re okay. But when you face rejection or a lack of love, it creates this instability. You start questioning your own worth, which triggers a spiral of self-criticism that can turn into a full-blown obsession.

The trick is finding someone—or some group—that actually sees you and appreciates you for exactly who you are. But nobody is going to do that heavy lifting for you unless you start doing the work yourself. You have to learn to value yourself first; help yourself so others can actually help you.
Besides, a little bit of narcissism never hurt anyone.

Hmm. I wonder how old you are?

When I was around 19 or 20, that’s exactly what I looked for. There were plenty of reasons, but the core issue was simple: since I was their first serious partner, they had absolutely no right to demand anything more than what I was willing to offer at the time—which was just hanging out, and who knows about tomorrow. Every attempt at control or making demands gave me the perfect trump card: "Who are you to ask anything of me? Am I asking anything of you?"

I don't think I was an emotional masochist, so that doesn't necessarily mean you are. In fact, it wasn't until I was 20 that I entered my first relationship where I was the only woman. It didn't end well. It started suffocating me almost immediately, and the whole time, I was just running away from something—likely myself.

Carl Cox3 said:You are an emotional masochist.

Short, sweet, and brutally accurate.

If you actually want things to improve, stop looking outward and start dealing with your own issues. For starters, quit chasing these half-baked, quasi-relationships—or better yet, just cut ties with the ones you've already got going.

granitesurfer36 said:The admins might tell me this thread is in the wrong section, but I honestly feel like I need some professional perspective here. This is the third time in my life I’ve found myself as the "other woman"—call it whatever you want—and every single one of these relationships has been devastating for me. It looks like this third one is following the same destructive pattern, yet I still can't seem to just say no.

What is actually wrong with me?

It is entirely possible that you aren't recognizing your own worth—meaning, on a subconscious level, you are seeking out what already belonged to someone else. Essentially, you are living a borrowed life by stepping into someone else's shoes.
Typically, a lack of self-esteem and those feelings of inadequacy are rooted in your upbringing—specifically within your family dynamic and how you were treated growing up.
In households with multiple siblings, if parents—whether they realize it or not—consistently favor one child over the others, they can instill that sense of inferiority; it creates an inability to build a life from the ground up,
leaving that child perpetually stuck playing a supporting role in someone else's story.
Similarly, overly critical or domineering parents can plant those same seeds of doubt through constant criticism or a total lack of validation and support—even if they only have one child.
If you have identified a pattern that isn't working for you, you can take steps to fix it yourself—by truly reflecting on your own value and realizing you don't need to play these roles. You don't need to settle for "hand-me-downs," if you'll excuse the metaphor.
But, if you find you can't break the cycle on your own, then yes, you really do need to see a therapist...

Timothy Cruz6 said:Hmm. I wonder how old you are?

When I was around 19 or 20, that’s exactly what I looked for. There were plenty of reasons, but the core issue was simple: since I was their first serious partner, they had absolutely no right to demand anything more than what I was willing to offer at the time—which was just hanging out, and who knows about tomorrow. Every attempt at control or making demands gave me the perfect trump card: "Who are you to ask anything of me? Am I asking anything of you?"

I don't think I was an emotional masochist, so that doesn't necessarily mean you are. In fact, it wasn't until I was 20 that I entered my first relationship where I was the only woman. It didn't end well. It started suffocating me almost immediately, and the whole time, I was just running away from something—likely myself.

Look, if that kind of setup works for you and you aren't hurting—then you aren't a masochist.

But if you keep walking into the exact same types of relationships—and you suffer every single damn time—then yeah, we can definitely talk about masochism.

Some people just prefer being the side piece.🤷

Timothy Cruz6 said:Hmm. I wonder how old you are?

When I was around 19 or 20, that’s exactly what I looked for. There were plenty of reasons, but the core issue was simple: since I was their first serious partner, they had absolutely no right to demand anything more than what I was willing to offer at the time—which was just hanging out, and who knows about tomorrow. Every attempt at control or making demands gave me the perfect trump card: "Who are you to ask anything of me? Am I asking anything of you?"

I don't think I was an emotional masochist, so that doesn't necessarily mean you are. In fact, it wasn't until I was 20 that I entered my first relationship where I was the only woman. It didn't end well. It started suffocating me almost immediately, and the whole time, I was just running away from something—likely myself.

I'm over 30, so this doesn't apply to me. I don't seek out those types of relationships, or maybe I do subconsciously, but I always end up in them and can't help but wonder why I do this to myself or why I don't have the strength to say NO! Honestly, I just crave a normal, ordinary relationship where my entire schedule isn't dictated by when we talk or see each other......

Chris Peterson53 said:It is entirely possible that you aren't recognizing your own worth—meaning, on a subconscious level, you are seeking out what already belonged to someone else. Essentially, you are living a borrowed life by stepping into someone else's shoes.
Typically, a lack of self-esteem and those feelings of inadequacy are rooted in your upbringing—specifically within your family dynamic and how you were treated growing up.
In households with multiple siblings, if parents—whether they realize it or not—consistently favor one child over the others, they can instill that sense of inferiority; it creates an inability to build a life from the ground up,
leaving that child perpetually stuck playing a supporting role in someone else's story.
Similarly, overly critical or domineering parents can plant those same seeds of doubt through constant criticism or a total lack of validation and support—even if they only have one child.
If you have identified a pattern that isn't working for you, you can take steps to fix it yourself—by truly reflecting on your own value and realizing you don't need to play these roles. You don't need to settle for "hand-me-downs," if you'll excuse the metaphor.
But, if you find you can't break the cycle on your own, then yes, you really do need to see a therapist...

I've actually been weighing the idea of seeing a therapist. You're right about the parents part. I know something wasn't right and it left its mark on me, but I still can't quite pin down exactly what it was...

granitesurfer36 said:I'm over 30, so this doesn't apply to me. I don't seek out those types of relationships, or maybe I do subconsciously, but I always end up in them and can't help but wonder why I do this to myself or why I don't have the strength to say NO! Honestly, I just crave a normal, ordinary relationship where my entire schedule isn't dictated by when we talk or see each other......

It isn't that you are constantly falling into these traps; rather, you are choosing to accept them. Let's be honest: most of us encounter the opportunity to have an affair with someone who is already committed, but we don't enter into those situations because we reject them. For some reason, you aren't valuing yourself enough. A therapist would likely be able to pinpoint exactly why your self-esteem is so low. Are you afraid of being alone? It seems as though you operate under the principle of "anything is better than being by myself."

You are essentially mistreating your own soul (and your body). I suggest seeking answers from a professional, but in the meantime, while you wait for an appointment, remember every single day that you are the priority in your own life. Do not settle for being someone's second choice or being exploited just to chase a few hours of fleeting, false happiness.

velvetranger16 said:It isn't that you are constantly falling into these traps; rather, you are choosing to accept them. Let's be honest: most of us encounter the opportunity to have an affair with someone who is already committed, but we don't enter into those situations because we reject them. For some reason, you aren't valuing yourself enough. A therapist would likely be able to pinpoint exactly why your self-esteem is so low. Are you afraid of being alone? It seems as though you operate under the principle of "anything is better than being by myself."

You are essentially mistreating your own soul (and your body). I suggest seeking answers from a professional, but in the meantime, while you wait for an appointment, remember every single day that you are the priority in your own life. Do not settle for being someone's second choice or being exploited just to chase a few hours of fleeting, false happiness.

I'm fully aware of all this. I know I'm terrified of ending up alone and that I fall into that "better anyone than no one" mindset. I KNOW IT'S WRONG, but...

It feels like if you start off by basically deciding you’re unworthy of love, you’re just signing up for a lifetime of misery.

Plus, isn't the whole point of love to actually be with the person? If you consciously choose a path where that's impossible, then you end up stuck in what Quincy says—that "suffering has to earn some kind of eternal beauty"—where you're just chasing a dream thinking it's reality.

There’s something powerful about the idea that men and women are meant to be a single unit, and things fall apart when people try to play games or make excuses for breaking that bond...

Sure, you can experience love without craving that deep connection, but you have to be ready to step outside the cycle of suffering. It's like an existential trip where you have to hold yourself together in every dimension. Most people just can't hack it.

At the end of the day, you're the one designing your own quality of life...

That’s a solid question, and honestly, it’s great that you’re finally starting to ask it for yourself.

Look, you’re an emotional, tender person who craves affection and love—just like everyone else. The catch is, you seem willing to take it from anyone, no matter the cost. Men without a conscience can sense that, and that's exactly why they target you and play these games. It’s not like you chose this role for yourself; it’s actually the opposite—they pick you out because they know they can. They’ll always go for someone like you. You’ll never see a guy like that try to approach a confident woman who knows her worth; they just call women like that "difficult."

Give that some thought. Next time one of these guys tries to pull you in, try saying, "Actually, I don't want to be chosen by someone like you. I deserve a relationship with someone who actually respects me."

No matter how "sweet" these guys act toward you, make no mistake: they don't respect you, and they don't love you. A man who truly loves and respects a woman would never turn her into a side piece or use her the way they do. These guys are predators and parasites, and you’re just their prey. Once you realize that and stop kidding yourself into thinking there’s any real emotion involved, walking away will become much easier.
Once you admit they're just using you, everything will fall into place. They are exploiting you. It is nothing more than basic, banal exploitation of another human being—you.

I cut them all out once I realized I’d much rather be alone than let someone exploit me and tear me down. An emotional or psychological drain like that just kills you inside... Believe me, being single is better.

And by the way, there is absolutely nothing beautiful about suffering. That’s just the narrative they use to keep playing you for a fool while they continue to exploit you. Meanwhile, they move on with their lives, having their wives and kids. In this whole scenario, you're the only one hurting, not them.

Unless you actually start believing in yourself and what you’re after, you aren't really living.
The solution is incredibly straightforward, though most people lack the guts to pull the trigger: you have to make a clean cut.
It’s a binary choice: either you take control, or you spend the rest of your life acting like a doormat for everyone else.
So, make your choice.

mellowseal20, I have to disagree with your take that there’s no beauty to be found in suffering. There absolutely is—provided you're suffering for something meaningful, something you truly believe in and that holds some integrity. My grandmother used to say, "There's a blessing in that struggle," rather than just wallowing in self-destruction and wasting away. That's a massive distinction.

I’ve gotta say, I don't really see it that way. When the human psyche is functioning the way it's supposed to, the goal is pretty simple: to be happy. And to me, that means finding freedom from pain, trauma, and all that suffering.

Look, I'm not naive—life isn't perfect and people go through hell. But if anyone tries to tell me there's some inherent beauty in starving or being sick compared to just feeling full and healthy? Yeah, I'm not buying it.

So, yeah, honestly, just by putting this thread together, you’ve already pinpointed the issue. From how you're laying everything out, it seems like you've got a pretty solid handle on rationalizing the whole situation. Your brain is definitely working the way it should. I say that because it gives you a massive edge over a ton of other women who find themselves in this exact same spot but just keep lying to themselves about what's actually going wrong. They can't see it, but you clearly can.
Now that you've realized that, don't let yourself fall into being consciously miserable. Or, you know, just settling for being in the same position as everyone else.