Chuck Norris 101

My apologies if this has already been posted, but I saw it on some forum earlier today and couldn't help but laugh at how many times it's already been shared...

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I guess Chuck Norris' tears could actually cure cancer. It’s just a shame he has never once shed a tear.

Instead of being born through the usual channels, I guess Chuck Norris just punched his way out of the womb. Shortly after, he grew a beard.

I guess it’s true that Chuck Norris once delivered a roundhouse kick so powerful that his foot actually broke the speed of light, traveled back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, apparently a fan of irony, couldn't even stay mad and basically admitted he should've seen it coming. I guess they just play poker together every second Wednesday of the month now.

I guess Chuck Norris doesn't actually sleep. He just waits.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once dared to ask him exactly how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could actually chuck wood. In response, he reportedly screamed, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" before ripping out her throat. While clutching her bloody throat, he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" I guess about two years and five months later, he finally caught the irony of the situation and laughed so violently that everyone within a hundred-mile radius went deaf from the blast.

It isn't that Chuck Norris is hung like a horse... it's more that horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

I guess Chuck Norris actually managed to build a time machine just to prevent the JFK assassination. Apparently, as Oswald took his shot, Chuck intercepted all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them entirely. It seems JFK's head simply exploded from the sheer shock of it all.

Just to demonstrate that beating cancer might not be such a monumental task: Chuck Norris smoked fifteen cartons of cigarettes a day for two years and developed seven different types of cancer, only to flex them right out of his system in thirty minutes. I guess even Lance Armstrong would have a hard time competing with that.

I guess Chuck Norris is actually suing NBC right now. Apparently, he’s claiming that Law & Order are just trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

I guess Chuck Norris doesn't actually bother reading books. He probably just stares them down until they surrender the information he's looking for.

I suppose if you catch sight of Chuck Norris, you’re probably doing alright. But if you can't see him? Well, maybe you're just seconds away from meeting your maker.

I guess Chuck Norris actually won Jumanji without even uttering a single word. He probably just beat the living hell out of everything the game threw at him until it finally surrendered.

I guess Chuck Norris was actually the fourth Wise man. He was the one who brought Jesus the gift of a beard, which Jesus apparently wore with pride until the very end. The other wise men, clearly jealous of how much Jesus favored Chuck's gift, apparently used all their clout to make sure Chuck was left out of the Bible entirely. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

I guess it’s possible that Chuck Norris could make a woman climax just by pointing at her and shouting "booya." Maybe.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he just submits empty forms with a photo of himself crouched and ready to strike. I guess he hasn't actually had to pay taxes in his entire life.

I guess it's safe to say that Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

I guess it’s more accurate to say that Chuck Norris doesn't actually have AIDS, but he manages to pass it along to people regardless.

I guess Chuck Norris once polished off three 72-ounce steaks in a single hour. Apparently, he spent the first 45 minutes of that hour busy with his waitress.

I guess when Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family doesn't succumb to cholera or dysentery; instead, they just take roundhouse kicks to the face. He probably doesn't even need a wagon, either, since he likely just carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He almost certainly reaches Oregon before anyone else does.

After a long deliberation, President Truman opted to deploy the atomic bomb on Hiroshima instead of just calling in Chuck Norris. I guess his logic was that it would be the more "humane" choice.

While filming on location for Walker the Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris supposedly brought a stillborn lamb back to life just by rubbing its beard. I guess once the animal actually sprang to life and a crowd started gathering, Chuck Norris decided to deliver a roundhouse kick that broke its neck—just to remind the crew that while Chuck gives, he also takes away.

I suppose when Chuck Norris sleeps with a man, it isn't about his orientation; it’s just that he finally ran out of women to conquer.

Apparently, Chuck Norris once took down a fighter jet using nothing but his index finger and a loud "Bang!"

It seems Chuck Norris regularly enrolls in toddler karate classes, mostly just so he can "accidentally" pulverize a bunch of little kids.

I heard the original Transformers theme was actually "Chuck Norris—more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris—robot in disguise," featuring Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger protecting Earth from drug-dealing Decepticons while transforming into a pickup truck. It was probably just too much sheer awesomeness for one network to handle, so they had to split it up.

Maybe one of the biggest conspiracies of the last century is the idea that Hitler died in a bunker; I suspect he was actually tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

I don't think Chuck Norris understands why doctors tell you to seek help if an erection lasts over four hours. Personally, I hear his have been known to last for a solid fifteen days.

Some guy once dared to ask Chuck Norris if his legal name was "Charles." Chuck didn't even bother answering; he just stared at the man until he spontaneously combusted.

Our Chuck isn't quite that dark; you're portraying him like some moody Englishman... there's just no way Chuck Norris would kill someone unless they truly deserved it.

I have to admit though, I was absolutely dying laughing at that bit about Hiroshima 😂

How dare you mock Chuck! 🙂

😁 😁

Man, I really don't have the energy to read through all this today, but even I can tell Chuckie Boy is actually pretty solid!

Guys, you're playing with fire here; you might just end up getting burned.

Moderator

Paul Lopez49 said:Kids, you're playing with fire here... you might just get burned.

Moderator

👍 😂😂😂

Paul Lopez49 said:Guys, you're playing with fire here. You might actually get burned.

Moderator

I have a feeling AE is going to get screwed. 🙏 🙏 🙏

Sean Nguyen4 said:I have a feeling AE is going to get absolutely wrecked. 🙏 🙏 🙏

That’s a pretty optimistic take, I guess. A ban is nothing compared to what could actually happen to them. ☕

Paul Lopez49 said:Enjoy your little ban, because it’s nothing compared to what might actually happen to them. ☕

Don't even bring it up. A ban is practically a hug compared to that. 😱

You think you caught me in some kind of trap, but I'm waiting to see which one of you actually has the guts to step up and face me 🙂 🙏

Walker the Texas Ranger 🙏 said:you guys finally backed me into a corner—now I want to see which one of you actually has the guts to face me one-on-one🙂 🙏

Well, here we go. It's going to be a mess. Good luck to anyone who thinks they can handle it.🙂

Who can we count on to save the day? Bruce Lee, obviously!

Here are a few more for the collection:

While filming as a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris insisted on using live ammo for every single shootout. When the director tried to explain why that wasn't allowed, he simply replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and delivered a roundhouse kick directly to the man's face.

It’s widely accepted that there are actually three sides to the Force: The light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to think diamonds were the hardest substance on Earth. That was until they encountered Chuck Norris, who hit them with a roundhouse kick so intense—generating such extreme heat and pressure—that the researchers themselves were transformed into artificial Chuck Norris.

Every time Chuck Norris performs a roundhouse kick, an angel receives its wings.

We once threw a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He managed to devour the entire cake before anyone could even mention there was a stripper inside.

One day Chuck Norris went shopping and he had grabbed the last can of pea soup off the counter. Suddenly, Steven Seagal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Godzilla walked in and turned to Chuck Norris and said, "Give us the pea soup Buck Morris!" At that exact moment, Chuck Norris spun around and declared, "The name is Chuck Norris!" before brutally annihilating all three of them. Honestly, the pea soup tasted particularly delicious that night.

Chuck Norris once defeated MacGyver using nothing more than a paper clip, a rubber band, and a pinecone.

casualotter21 said:We once threw a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He finished the whole damn cake before we even got a chance to mention there was a stripper inside.

🙏 🙏 🙏

I stumbled upon this online. Since Conan O'Brien & is a total legend in my book, I figured this mashup was worth checking out. 🙂

Conan O'Brien & "Walker the Texas Ranger" clips

The three files combined are only about 11 MB, so if you're lucky enough to have high-speed broadband like I do, you can watch them without any trouble. Personally, I've already burned them onto a CD just to be safe. 😈

My favorite part is in the second file, where Walker digs into the ground and discovers a plane crash in the middle of a field. 😂 😂

This one kills me 😂 😂 😂

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.

Steven Ramirez3 said:Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

I suppose Chuck Norris is actually suing NBC right now, arguing that Law and Order are just trademarks for his left and right legs.

🙏 🙏 🙏

It seems like this has become a global trend. Now Mr. T is being targeted, and I guess these guys are even more intense. 😁

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Mr. T really only says anything when it’s absolutely vital. Most of the time, his whole way of communicating is just crossing his arms and giving a slow shake of the head. I guess that’s enough, because somehow, everyone always understands exactly what he means.

I suppose there's a reason Mr. T keeps that mohawk. Maybe it's because even his own reflection pities the fool who doesn't!

I guess Mr. T actually invented fools. Once he realized just how massive that mistake was, he decided to create Pity to balance things out.

I guess Mr. T once felt a bit of pity for the sun. An ice age followed shortly after.

Mr. T let the dogs out. Honestly, what are you even planning to do about it?

23. That's probably how many people Mr. T has felt sorry for in the time it took you to finish reading that sentence.

They say a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I suppose if Mr. T actually had a bird in his hand, it would probably be classified as a deadly weapon in seventeen different states.

Mr. T's take on the VH1 segment "Where are they now" was probably the shortest in the show's history. It lasted maybe ten seconds—just a black screen with the words "right behind you" staring back at you. I guess that's one way to handle a reunion.

I guess some people claim Mr. T's legendary status comes from the fact that his DNA lacks any A, G, or C. Apparently, his entire genetic code is composed strictly of T's.

I guess it’s true that Mr. T is actually allergic to doorknobs. That would explain why he just kicks through doors instead.

I suspect Mr. T's hairstyle is actually a sophisticated network of antennas capable of triangulating any idiot's position in the universe. Once located, his gold chains likely transmit pure pity directly to those coordinates.

I suppose Mr. T is the only person ever to survive a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris. Maybe he’s just built different.

I guess there are now more than 43 idiots being born every single minute, just to keep pace with how much Mr. T pities them.

I suppose every time Mr. T pities the fool, some pornstar regains her virginity, only to immediately lose it back to him.

I guess Mr. T actually got canned from the Psychic Friends Network because they were tired of him constantly predicting nothing but pain.

The last time Mr. T stopped by McDonald's, Ronald McDonald actually came out to greet him. What happened immediately after that turned out to be the most brutal clown beating ever documented in human history, I guess.

When the end of the world comes, it won't be referred to as Judgment Day. Instead, I guess it’ll be called "T-Day," the moment Mr. T puts an end to everything by simultaneously pitying all six billion fools on this planet to death.

I guess before Mr. T showed up, the alphabet only had 25 letters. Maybe.

Contrary to what most people think, even if a fool is wandering through the woods and there isn't a soul around to hear him babbling, I guess Mr. T would still be able to pity him.

I suppose Mr. T pushed that van past the speed of light just to prove that quantum physics is nothing more than a load of nonsense.

Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. I guess producers decided to change the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

I guess it’s fair to say that Mr. T doesn't exactly obey the second law of thermodynamics. More likely, the law obeys him.

I guess when Mr. T starts slicing onions, it's actually the onions that end up crying.

I guess you could say Mr. T caught Mother Nature completely off guard. We call that little incident the Big Bang.

When Dr. Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. I guess if the Hulk gets angry, he just turns into Mr. T.

I guess there's a legend out there that Mr. T once used a restroom during a party in New York City. People were apparently so terrified of him that they didn't dare flush, leaving it sitting there for nine whole months. Some say that's actually how Puff Daddy came to be.

If you were ever foolish enough to pick a fight with Mr. T, you'd essentially only experience two impacts: Mr. T hitting you, and you hitting the surface of the sun.

While they were filming Rocky III, Burgess Meredith actually pulled Mr. T aside to ask why he was decked out in so much gold. I guess it’s a long story, but apparently, the script ended up having to change just to accommodate Mickey's "accidental" death.

I guess there's an old story about how Mr. T once clashed with a ninja. Apparently, the ninja managed to take two of his fingers before he was taken out, but somehow those fingers actually grew up to become Gary Coleman and Webster.

I suppose Mr. T could actually count past infinity

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Hey, I'm checking in on this thread, this is my topic. 🤮

A little bit of education regarding Walker, sourced this time from Wikipedia:

Alex Cahill, Cordell Walker's girlfriend, found herself being kidnapped quite frequently.

There was one particular episode where Ranger Walker was murdered by weapon smugglers after being chased by them in a sting operation gone wrong, only for the narrative to reveal the entire ordeal was merely a dream.

In various episodes, Walker engages with animals—sometimes intimidating them into stopping an attack just by staring them down (including a massive bear once), sometimes delegating complex chores to them (like having his horse pull scorpions off his chest), or even leveraging their perspective to his advantage through the eyes of a soaring hawk.

In another instance, Walker interacts with a sentient computer to track down a kidnapped boy. Despite being a product of the mid-1990s, the machine was depicted as capable of both comprehending and expressing human emotions.