Dealing with jealousy

Hey everyone!
So, I’m posting here because I’m dealing with something a bit out of the ordinary—this intense, sickening jealousy that’s honestly going to wreck my relationship if I don't get a handle on it soon. I really don't want to keep dumping this on my partner anymore, but fighting it alone is just... it's exhausting. Honestly, I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes, and there are moments where I act out without any self-control at all.
I just need to make it stop. It doesn't make sense to keep living like this.
Does anyone know if seeing a psychiatrist is actually worth it for something like this? Are there specific methods or approaches that can help kill this awful feeling?
Has anyone here actually managed to pull themselves out of this kind of spiral on their own? If so, what would you suggest?
Look, I know she’s normal to an extent, but when you're sitting there by yourself and everyone who knows you can see that this isn't just "cute" or "harmless" anymore—it's just pure misery.🤷

steeltiger2 said:Hey everyone!
So, I’m posting here because I’m dealing with something a bit out of the ordinary—this intense, sickening jealousy that’s honestly going to wreck my relationship if I don't get a handle on it soon. I really don't want to keep dumping this on my partner anymore, but fighting it alone is just... it's exhausting. Honestly, I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes, and there are moments where I act out without any self-control at all.
I just need to make it stop. It doesn't make sense to keep living like this.
Does anyone know if seeing a psychiatrist is actually worth it for something like this? Are there specific methods or approaches that can help kill this awful feeling?
Has anyone here actually managed to pull themselves out of this kind of spiral on their own? If so, what would you suggest?
Look, I know she’s normal to an extent, but when you're sitting there by yourself and everyone who knows you can see that this isn't just "cute" or "harmless" anymore—it's just pure misery.🤷

Can you describe what goes through your head when it hits? Like, are you worried about cheating?
Found a decent link on the subject:
http://romantics.blogspot.com/post/jealousy/857064.aspx

I've also heard that professional help is necessary in some cases, especially if there isn't a legitimate reason for the jealousy. It usually stems from deep-seated insecurity or a fear of losing your partner—subconsciously feeling like you aren't worthy enough.

steeltiger2 said:Hey everyone!
So, I’m posting here because I’m dealing with something a bit out of the ordinary—this intense, sickening jealousy that’s honestly going to wreck my relationship if I don't get a handle on it soon. I really don't want to keep dumping this on my partner anymore, but fighting it alone is just... it's exhausting. Honestly, I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes, and there are moments where I act out without any self-control at all.
I just need to make it stop. It doesn't make sense to keep living like this.
Does anyone know if seeing a psychiatrist is actually worth it for something like this? Are there specific methods or approaches that can help kill this awful feeling?
Has anyone here actually managed to pull themselves out of this kind of spiral on their own? If so, what would you suggest?
Look, I know she’s normal to an extent, but when you're sitting there by yourself and everyone who knows you can see that this isn't just "cute" or "harmless" anymore—it's just pure misery.🤷

I think your first step should be sitting down with yourself to figure out where this jealousy is actually rooted.😉
What is it that you're truly afraid of?
Why is this happening? What specifically is he doing that triggers this response in you?

steeltiger2 said:Hey everyone!
So, I’m posting here because I’m dealing with something a bit out of the ordinary—this intense, sickening jealousy that’s honestly going to wreck my relationship if I don't get a handle on it soon. I really don't want to keep dumping this on my partner anymore, but fighting it alone is just... it's exhausting. Honestly, I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes, and there are moments where I act out without any self-control at all.
I just need to make it stop. It doesn't make sense to keep living like this.
Does anyone know if seeing a psychiatrist is actually worth it for something like this? Are there specific methods or approaches that can help kill this awful feeling?
Has anyone here actually managed to pull themselves out of this kind of spiral on their own? If so, what would you suggest?
Look, I know she’s normal to an extent, but when you're sitting there by yourself and everyone who knows you can see that this isn't just "cute" or "harmless" anymore—it's just pure misery.🤷

...Think carefully about whether this stems from deep-seated insecurities and low self-esteem, or if it's actually a fundamental lack of trust in your partner disguised as jealousy...
Was it like this with your previous partners too?
If it comes from internal complexes, psychotherapy 👍 will help, though it's useful in both cases since it teaches you how to choose better partners.

Look, here's the deal: he isn't cheating on me, and honestly, he’s never been that kind of guy. I trust him.
The thing is, he loves pointing out how much he likes this girl or that girl. I don't even know how he notices these things, and then he actually goes out of his way to tell me which ones are hot. When I asked him if he was just trying to make me jealous, he just shrugged and said he was just stating facts.
He’s got this uncanny ability to spot who’s sexy, who’s gorgeous, and who’s... well, less so. It just comes up casually in conversation. I mean, obviously, I notice guys too—men notice women, it's just biology—but I don't feel the need to announce it or dwell on it. He’s always so blunt about it, too. And since he isn't actually doing anything wrong, he insists it’s perfectly natural for men to look at other women, and that looking doesn't change the fact that he loves me. I just don't get why he feels the need to emphasize it so much. What kind of approach is that, really?
It's just... well, I've had my share of bad luck. One guy cheated on me, and another one left me for someone else because his parents thought she was a better match for marriage. Not that it matters now.

Jealousy? Seriously? What’s even the point? If someone doesn't care about you and they're already halfway out the door, just let them go. Honestly, wouldn't it be better to deal with the breakup now rather than dragging out the misery later? But on the flip side, if that person actually loves you and all this insecurity is just some mental loop you're stuck in, you might want to take a hard look in the mirror and think about what you're actually throwing away with all those jealous outbursts... is that really the life you want?
And hey, if your partner is sitting right there in front of you, openly flirting or making comments about people around them, just relax—you're clearly their top priority. Trust me, if someone is actually cheating, they aren't going to broadcast it while you're watching; those things are always kept strictly under wraps.

Lawrence Torres56 said:Jealousy? Seriously? What’s even the point? If someone doesn't care about you and they're already halfway out the door, just let them go. Honestly, wouldn't it be better to deal with the breakup now rather than dragging out the misery later? But on the flip side, if that person actually loves you and all this insecurity is just some mental loop you're stuck in, you might want to take a hard look in the mirror and think about what you're actually throwing away with all those jealous outbursts... is that really the life you want?
And hey, if your partner is sitting right there in front of you, openly flirting or making comments about people around them, just relax—you're clearly their top priority. Trust me, if someone is actually cheating, they aren't going to broadcast it while you're watching; those things are always kept strictly under wraps.

Making comments like, "that coworker is really hot, and I think she likes me too," isn't exactly funny to everyone.

Lawrence Torres56 said:Jealousy? Seriously? What’s even the point? If someone doesn't care about you and they're already halfway out the door, just let them go. Honestly, wouldn't it be better to deal with the breakup now rather than dragging out the misery later? But on the flip side, if that person actually loves you and all this insecurity is just some mental loop you're stuck in, you might want to take a hard look in the mirror and think about what you're actually throwing away with all those jealous outbursts... is that really the life you want?
And hey, if your partner is sitting right there in front of you, openly flirting or making comments about people around them, just relax—you're clearly their top priority. Trust me, if someone is actually cheating, they aren't going to broadcast it while you're watching; those things are always kept strictly under wraps.

I’ve never heard anything stupider 🙄
It's honestly hilarious listening to her boyfriend dissect every girl he sees and talk about how hot they are 🙄 if she were actually his #1, she'd be the only one he cared about looking at. I don't get it. I don't feel the need to stare at other guys or comment on them when I'm in a relationship. Like, why? I've got the best guy right next to me so I couldn't care less about anyone else ☕
but I guess guys are just built different...

Jealousy is such a destructive emotion, and honestly, if I’m being real with myself, it usually just stems from deep-seated insecurity.
You have to realize that if he's actually going to cheat, no amount of worrying is going to stop him—it'll happen regardless.
On the flip side, there's a difference between being irrational and having a legitimate reason to be upset. If he’s throwing these huge, immature tantrums that just don't fit in a healthy relationship, you should definitely speak up. Just do it calmly. Explain that his behavior is bothering you even though you care about him; if he’s a decent guy, he’ll get it. But, if you're the one overreacting, just know that excessive jealousy kills a relationship because the other person starts feeling like they can't ever truly earn your trust.
I learned this the hard way. I used to be incredibly jealous—not all the time, but most of the time—and usually for absolutely no reason at all.
Looking back, I see now that the issue was entirely within me. My girlfriend actually finds it a little weird that I've calmed down so much; she tends to think jealousy is a sign of passion, but I just don't see it that way.
Some people think jealousy is the opposite of indifference, but they're wrong. There are a million better ways to show someone how much they matter to you.
I hope this helps a bit, steeltiger2.
Take care.

steeltiger2 said:Look, here's the deal: he isn't cheating on me, and honestly, he’s never been that kind of guy. I trust him.
The thing is, he loves pointing out how much he likes this girl or that girl. I don't even know how he notices these things, and then he actually goes out of his way to tell me which ones are hot. When I asked him if he was just trying to make me jealous, he just shrugged and said he was just stating facts.
He’s got this uncanny ability to spot who’s sexy, who’s gorgeous, and who’s... well, less so. It just comes up casually in conversation. I mean, obviously, I notice guys too—men notice women, it's just biology—but I don't feel the need to announce it or dwell on it. He’s always so blunt about it, too. And since he isn't actually doing anything wrong, he insists it’s perfectly natural for men to look at other women, and that looking doesn't change the fact that he loves me. I just don't get why he feels the need to emphasize it so much. What kind of approach is that, really?
It's just... well, I've had my share of bad luck. One guy cheated on me, and another one left me for someone else because his parents thought she was a better match for marriage. Not that it matters now.

Your gut is trying to tell you something—you just don't trust him.
Walk away now before things get even worse...

boldheron48 said:Your gut is trying to tell you something—you just don't trust him.
Walk away now before things get even worse...

Honestly, if things go south, he’ll probably be the one to walk away from me anyway...
And I definitely don't want things to spiral, because I'll end up in a hospital bed at this rate.

What does "trusting him" even mean in this context?
I believe he won't cheat on me. I'm not constantly terrified that I'll lose him overnight. I truly believe he loves me right now.
The real fear—the actual anxiety—is that someone better will show up eventually. Like, one bright, sunny morning while he's working on a big project with his colleagues, they bring in a new partner. She's incredibly attractive, maybe a bit "stunning," and she actually understands the technical side of the job. They grab a coffee to talk shop, and he starts enjoying her company so much that he realizes—not even thinking about it, just feeling it deep down—that he'd rather spend his time with her than with me.
Say she talks to him about specialized medicine that he's passionate about (which is an area I know absolutely nothing about), and she's clearly at a higher professional level. He respects her, admires her as a powerhouse in the medical field, feels understood by her, finds her motivating, and, well, she flirts with him too... then one day, he just comes home and tells me, almost casually, how much he feels drawn to this doctor, just so I'd know... that would just break me.
So, I find myself spinning these entire scenarios in my head, sometimes completely out of nowhere. It just pops in. Is he really to blame for that?🤷

Jealousy is really just our way of signaling how much we actually give a damn about someone... it’s this frantic fear of losing them, acting like they somehow belong solely to us.

Hey steeltiger2.
I totally get you. From what I’ve been through, I know how those completely delusional feelings can just hijack your brain, and how damn hard it is to help someone else when you're stuck in that headspace. For me, it’s like this massive pile of obsessive, irrational thoughts where I basically force myself to suffer, and unfortunately, my partner ends up being the target. I had one disastrous relationship before this, but the real issue goes way deeper than that. It’s all just a nasty byproduct of my own low self-esteem, feeling weak, and that constant fear of being rejected, failing, or just getting hurt emotionally.
I wish there was an on/off switch to just kill these thoughts in my subconscious, but honestly, I’ve hit a point where I can't control them anymore. They spiral so hard they end in depression and anxiety attacks that totally wreck my ability to live a normal life.
Look, you never truly know anything in life, and you can never be 100% sure about anyone—including your partner. But I’m pretty sure I won't find anyone more patient or better than the guy I have now. It’s not that he gave me a reason to doubt him; it’s just that I’m insecure and dealing with my own baggage. The problem is entirely me.
Anyway, enough of this depressing rant. What I’m realizing is that I need professional help. I can’t handle this on my own, and even with my partner’s support, I’m the one who has to fix this. Like Kate Collins5 said, jealousy is just a symptom of your own insecurity, and that's where the work starts.
I'm not trying to lecture you, but I know I need a solid therapist to teach me how to actually deal with these feelings constructively. I'd function so much better in every part of my life, not just when it comes to romance.

steeltiger2 said:Honestly, if things go south, he’ll probably be the one to walk away from me anyway...
And I definitely don't want things to spiral, because I'll end up in a hospital bed at this rate.

What does "trusting him" even mean in this context?
I believe he won't cheat on me. I'm not constantly terrified that I'll lose him overnight. I truly believe he loves me right now.
The real fear—the actual anxiety—is that someone better will show up eventually. Like, one bright, sunny morning while he's working on a big project with his colleagues, they bring in a new partner. She's incredibly attractive, maybe a bit "stunning," and she actually understands the technical side of the job. They grab a coffee to talk shop, and he starts enjoying her company so much that he realizes—not even thinking about it, just feeling it deep down—that he'd rather spend his time with her than with me.
Say she talks to him about specialized medicine that he's passionate about (which is an area I know absolutely nothing about), and she's clearly at a higher professional level. He respects her, admires her as a powerhouse in the medical field, feels understood by her, finds her motivating, and, well, she flirts with him too... then one day, he just comes home and tells me, almost casually, how much he feels drawn to this doctor, just so I'd know... that would just break me.
So, I find myself spinning these entire scenarios in my head, sometimes completely out of nowhere. It just pops in. Is he really to blame for that?🤷

What if things were different, stop wearing yourself out with those thoughts!
Even if that other woman started flirting with him, does that mean he's already done something wrong? Is he to blame? We're only human—some people are single and looking, some people flirt... If he truly loves you, he won't cheat. Period.!!!🙏
Our minds can create an infinite number of potential variations, so why don't we ever imagine a positive outcome instead of always spiraling toward the worst case scenario?
Just hold onto yourself and believe in who you are... at the end of the day, YOU CAN'T SURVIVE WITHOUT YOURSELF!!!

steeltiger2 said:Look, here's the deal: he isn't cheating on me, and honestly, he’s never been that kind of guy. I trust him.
The thing is, he loves pointing out how much he likes this girl or that girl. I don't even know how he notices these things, and then he actually goes out of his way to tell me which ones are hot. When I asked him if he was just trying to make me jealous, he just shrugged and said he was just stating facts.
He’s got this uncanny ability to spot who’s sexy, who’s gorgeous, and who’s... well, less so. It just comes up casually in conversation. I mean, obviously, I notice guys too—men notice women, it's just biology—but I don't feel the need to announce it or dwell on it. He’s always so blunt about it, too. And since he isn't actually doing anything wrong, he insists it’s perfectly natural for men to look at other women, and that looking doesn't change the fact that he loves me. I just don't get why he feels the need to emphasize it so much. What kind of approach is that, really?
It's just... well, I've had my share of bad luck. One guy cheated on me, and another one left me for someone else because his parents thought she was a better match for marriage. Not that it matters now.

All your past experiences shape how you act and think. But there's another angle here: Are you certain he isn't exaggerating how much women are hitting on him just to provoke a reaction from you? 😁 Sometimes guys do that, though it's possible he's just being brutally honest. There aren't any set rules, though personally, I prefer hearing comments to my face rather than behind my back. I don't see an issue with commenting on attractive women as long as it doesn't cross the line into blatant flirting. Once that happens, I start a fire. 😈
On another note—I have a friend whose husband basically slept his way through half of Chicago and then some, yet she refuses to believe there's a problem because he's such a "gentleman" in public, always talking about how he has no interest in "cheap girls" chasing married men and such. She ended up catching HPV and CIN3 from him and had to undergo surgery. Every time we're out in a group, I have the urge to hang him by his stones from the top of the Willis Tower as a warning.

Try pointing out specifically that his comments bother you and see if you can reach a compromise. I know it sounds easy to say "don't overthink it," but it really isn't. Someone who actually intends to cheat will do it even if you tie a three-ton weight to their leg. There is always going to be someone "better" out there, but you need to be more secure in yourself and hold your own value higher. 🙂

@Britta, I get where you're coming from. Honestly, those old scars are driving you to act way more irrational than if you hadn't been through the ringer before. That’s the part you really need to own up to and work through internally. Your current guy doesn't deserve this constant barrage of reactions—most of which are clearly just leftovers from your exes. Maybe hitting up a therapist for a few sessions could help clear the air. Once you've sorted your own headspace, then you can actually deal with how he acts. Look, it’s not like he’s even trying that hard to make sure his girl doesn't feel crappy 😁 but whatever, that's beside the point now

It starts with desire...
Then comes passion!
Then... doubt creeps in.
Jealousy! Anger! Betrayal!
When love is just a commodity for the highest bidder,
Trust becomes impossible.
And without trust,
Love simply doesn't exist!
Jealousy.
Oh, jealousy...
It will drive you straight—

INSANE!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHO5KWIMZUo

As you put it, you're worried he might run into someone with a "better offer"... and that your boyfriend won't be able to, or won't see any reason to, pass up that "better opportunity."

Looking at this rationally, that fear is actually quite logical. There’s really no reason to assume you are definitively the "best" out of the thousands upon thousands of women he’ll encounter (including those he just catches a passing glance of).

On the flip side, there isn't much reason to be that afraid either... because he isn't necessarily the "best" choice among the thousands upon thousands of men you'll meet.

So, strictly from a logical standpoint, relationships don't make any sense. 😬 😈 🤣 😢 🙂

At least, not from an atheist-nihilist perspective. You almost have to be a believer to truly believe in some kind of "love," whatever that may be.

lonegardener said:It starts with desire...
Then comes passion!
Then... doubt creeps in.
Jealousy! Anger! Betrayal!
When love is just a commodity for the highest bidder,
Trust becomes impossible.
And without trust,
Love simply doesn't exist!
Jealousy.
Oh, jealousy...
It will drive you straight—

INSANE!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHO5KWIMZUo

As you put it, you're worried he might run into someone with a "better offer"... and that your boyfriend won't be able to, or won't see any reason to, pass up that "better opportunity."

Looking at this rationally, that fear is actually quite logical. There’s really no reason to assume you are definitively the "best" out of the thousands upon thousands of women he’ll encounter (including those he just catches a passing glance of).

On the flip side, there isn't much reason to be that afraid either... because he isn't necessarily the "best" choice among the thousands upon thousands of men you'll meet.

So, strictly from a logical standpoint, relationships don't make any sense. 😬 😈 🤣 😢 🙂

At least, not from an atheist-nihilist perspective. You almost have to be a believer to truly believe in some kind of "love," whatever that may be.

I think you're overstating things here. Love is really just a hormonal imbalance; even at its absolute peak, there's always a chance you'll find a way to recover from it. 😁

If he tells you he loves you and there’s nothing to worry about, just try to take him at his word. Really give it your all to believe him.
But if you still find yourself feeling drained, lashing out, or getting hysterical—which, let's face it, happens—and his behavior just doesn't sit right with you despite your best efforts to move past the Jealousy, then it's time to walk away. Otherwise, he might end things before you do.

Sean Cruz said:I think you're overstating things here. Love is really just a hormonal imbalance; even at its absolute peak, there's always a chance you'll find a way to recover from it. 😁

How am I exaggerating? If love really is just a hormonal imbalance, then it’s perfectly logical to worry that those levels will eventually "level out" for you while spiking all over again for someone else. (And vice versa, of course. 😬). In fact, it's just as reasonable to fear that this has already happened and the relationship is being kept alive solely by inertia on the other person's part.

Since jealousy is essentially the "fear of losing something perceived as valuable," it stands to reason that feeling jealous in these circumstances makes total sense. It would actually be more illogical *not* to feel it, or to blindly "trust" a love that is nothing more than a chemical fluctuation. Therefore, if someone doesn't feel jealousy, they aren't even experiencing that hormonal version of love, let alone anything deeper.

Or perhaps his level of faith is just incredibly intense... but even then, I have to wonder what kind of foundation that "faith" is built on. I won't even get into my thoughts on the advice being handed out here... 😬 😈