Depression or just a phase?

I am in my early twenties, finishing up my degree, and lately, I haven’t been feeling like myself at all. Here is how things reached this point...

Last year, I walked away from a relationship that was psychologically devastating, to the point where I had to seek help from a therapist. I spent about six months recovering, finally getting out, rediscovering my own identity, and feeling like I had been reborn. My ex made sure to act like a complete animal during the breakup, so there wasn't much left for me to salvage there.

By the end of the year, I entered a new relationship with an incredible guy. I can say quite clearly that I love him; he is remarkably kind to me, treats me with respect, and is deeply in love with me.

However, over the last few months, I have essentially stopped going out. I used to be incredibly social, surrounded by a large circle of friends, constantly grabbing coffee, and most importantly, I was always singing. It was my passion, more than just a hobby, something I had done since childhood. Regarding my social life, some friction developed within my friend group, which means I can no longer rely on my closest girlfriends like I used to, and I have let touch with the rest of them slip. That wouldn't necessarily be a problem—if I actually reached out, they would come—but I simply lack the will. I would much rather spend my time binge-watching a thousand different series or watching documentaries with my boyfriend. He calls me to go out quite often, but I rarely feel like leaving. It is somewhat ironic, considering I used to criticize my ex for being controlling and picking fights about me going out; now, with a partner who does nothing of the sort, I just stay home and watch TV. For the sake of context, I was never a heavy party person to begin with—maybe once a month—but I can’t even remember the last time I truly went out with my girls. As for singing, I have abandoned it entirely. I went from being that girl in high school who would throw her stuff in her room and belt out songs until her family came home, to someone who perhaps hums along once a week if my boyfriend insists. I don't sing in any bands anymore; I tried starting my own project last year, but after two or three rehearsals, the summer hit and I just couldn't find the drive to push forward again.

I am also quite dissatisfied with the college degree I am about to complete. To be fair, I finally found my footing in my senior year and have a general idea of what I want to do professionally, but the reality of it terrifies me. The responsibilities, the bills, all of it. What is most frustrating is that I was always a stellar student, yet the weight of accountability scares me because I have always been someone who leaves everything until the very last minute.

At home, the situation is tense; we are in so much debt that I honestly don't even want to know the specific amount because the thought of it is overwhelming. My relationship with my younger brother is incredibly strained, and he treats our mother so poorly that I occasionally feel like losing my temper with him. They are actually arguing over lunch right now, and I have retreated to my room to avoid listening to it. Again.

In short, I suspect my dissatisfaction stems from the fact that I am no longer actively pursuing anything. My days consist of sleeping until noon or one, heading to campus if I feel up to it, scrolling through social media all afternoon, and spending my evenings at my boyfriend's place until 2 or 3 a.m., only to repeat the cycle. I realize this isn't healthy, but I lack the ambition to change. I am wondering if I am deeply depressed or if I am simply making excuses for my own lethargy.

This sense of discontent leads me to constantly question whether my current relationship is actually right for me. Perhaps I am simply unaccustomed to being treated well—to not being harassed, yelled at, or belittled. To make matters worse, my ex still resurfaces every couple of months with some nonsense, which pushes me to the edge of my nerves and sends me into a total spiral that ruins my entire week (for what it's worth, he reached out last week).

What is wrong with me? 🤷

So, you’re feeling unfulfilled in several key areas of your life and you're wondering what the hell went wrong 🙂

In your eyes, what would an ideal relationship actually look like—and where exactly does your current situation fall short of that standard?

How can you claim you "lack ambition" when, just a few lines earlier, you mentioned you "know roughly what you want to do"? How do those two things even reconcile?

My current relationship is actually quite close to what I would consider ideal. My partner provides a sense of peace, security, comfort, and genuine fun—everything I’ve ever looked for in a boyfriend. We do butt heads occasionally, but we resolve things almost immediately. However, there is one recurring issue that bothers me, even though I recently sat him down to discuss it: I feel as though I am constantly swallowing my grievances just to avoid conflict. In my last relationship, the fighting was relentless, spanning days at a time. It was constant drama that inevitably dragged in my friends, his friends, and sometimes even our families. That level of chaos took a physical toll on me, causing several health issues, and I often found myself wishing I could trade all our beautiful moments for even mediocre ones if it meant avoiding a week of fighting. Now, I find myself staying silent about certain things—mostly trivialities—simply to prevent an argument. The last time we had a disagreement, even though it was nothing compared to the explosions with my ex, I felt borderline PTSD; I spent the entire day in such high tension that I couldn't function until we finally reconciled. I don't really vent to my girlfriends about our little friction points because I don't want them to think I'm back in a toxic cycle, and I haven't posted much about it here either, perhaps because these aren't massive issues, though they still weigh on me. Most of our clashes happen when I've had a few drinks and lose that internal filter, finally voicing what has been bothering me. So, I suppose you have a decent idea of where I stand.

As for ambition... just because I've polished myself up and finally decided on a direction doesn't mean I'm actually excited about it. To me, ambition implies having the drive and the hunger to pursue something, and frankly, I'm a bit terrified of my future career. Even though I know I can't afford to stop studying, I probably opened this thread because I really ought to be focusing on 😬 right now. I want to start earning my own money, yet part of me wishes I could just sign some contract committing to another five years of college, if only to dodge the weight of actual responsibility.

Taylor Smith3 said:My current relationship is actually quite close to what I would consider ideal. My partner provides a sense of peace, security, comfort, and genuine fun—everything I’ve ever looked for in a boyfriend. We do butt heads occasionally, but we resolve things almost immediately. However, there is one recurring issue that bothers me, even though I recently sat him down to discuss it: I feel as though I am constantly swallowing my grievances just to avoid conflict. In my last relationship, the fighting was relentless, spanning days at a time. It was constant drama that inevitably dragged in my friends, his friends, and sometimes even our families. That level of chaos took a physical toll on me, causing several health issues, and I often found myself wishing I could trade all our beautiful moments for even mediocre ones if it meant avoiding a week of fighting. Now, I find myself staying silent about certain things—mostly trivialities—simply to prevent an argument. The last time we had a disagreement, even though it was nothing compared to the explosions with my ex, I felt borderline PTSD; I spent the entire day in such high tension that I couldn't function until we finally reconciled. I don't really vent to my girlfriends about our little friction points because I don't want them to think I'm back in a toxic cycle, and I haven't posted much about it here either, perhaps because these aren't massive issues, though they still weigh on me. Most of our clashes happen when I've had a few drinks and lose that internal filter, finally voicing what has been bothering me. So, I suppose you have a decent idea of where I stand.

As for ambition... just because I've polished myself up and finally decided on a direction doesn't mean I'm actually excited about it. To me, ambition implies having the drive and the hunger to pursue something, and frankly, I'm a bit terrified of my future career. Even though I know I can't afford to stop studying, I probably opened this thread because I really ought to be focusing on 😬 right now. I want to start earning my own money, yet part of me wishes I could just sign some contract committing to another five years of college, if only to dodge the weight of actual responsibility.

Do you think there's ever a time when staying quiet to avoid a fight is actually the right move? More broadly, what’s your take on arguing in a relationship? There have to be pros and cons to it, right?

As for ambition... just because I finally got my act together and decided on a career path doesn't mean I'm actually excited about it. That's what "ambition" implies to me—having the drive to chase something. But truthfully, I'm a little terrified of my future career. Even though I know I should be hitting the books right now (😬), I'd much rather sign some paperwork saying I'll be stuck in grad school for another five years just to dodge the weight of actual responsibility.

What's so bad about being responsible?

(I know, I'm throwing a lot at you. Just testing out a new way of communicating here—you're my guinea pig 😁 )

placidranger said:Do you think there's ever a time when staying quiet to avoid a fight is actually the right move? More broadly, what’s your take on arguing in a relationship? There have to be pros and cons to it, right?

As for ambition... just because I finally got my act together and decided on a career path doesn't mean I'm actually excited about it. That's what "ambition" implies to me—having the drive to chase something. But truthfully, I'm a little terrified of my future career. Even though I know I should be hitting the books right now (😬), I'd much rather sign some paperwork saying I'll be stuck in grad school for another five years just to dodge the weight of actual responsibility.

What's so bad about being responsible?

(I know, I'm throwing a lot at you. Just testing out a new way of communicating here—you're my guinea pig 😁 )

🤣 I'll go with the flow 😬

I think it’s acceptable sometimes. For instance, I dealt with a similar issue at the start of a previous relationship. Let's restart from the beginning, assuming we're conducting a little psychoanalysis here.

My first serious relationship—I won't go into the weeds—was relatively stable. There were a few disagreements, one major crisis, and then a sudden breakup initiated by him. Looking back, those minor frictions toward the end should have been a signal that things weren't working, given how rarely we actually clashed.

When I entered my next relationship, whenever something stung, I would simply shut down. It wasn't even that I was being quiet; I just went blank, which is entirely unlike me. I was like a dog with a conditioned response 😳 where any hint of conflict triggered memories of that breakup. Eventually, after a few months, I managed to move past that silent phase and started speaking up, even when he was being completely irrational. However, since I tend to be more sensitive than most, I started picking at absolutely everything that bothered me, which eventually led to me, quite objectively, nitpicking over trivialities.

With more experience now, I believe it’s fine to let certain things slide because fighting isn't always worth the energy, and often, if I just sleep on it, the issues seem much more trivial the next day. As for the upside of conflict, it allows you to vent whatever is bothering you, whether through an outburst or a constructive conversation, and it can almost give you the impression that your partner actually cares enough to get worked up, though that might be a silly observation. Then again, if you look at my thread on LIES regarding verbal abuse during arguments, the downside is clear: people can become aggressive and truly hurt one another.

Right before my last argument with my boyfriend, I was head over heels; everything felt perfect until this disagreement happened. It wasn't even catastrophic, I just didn't know how to respond in the moment, so I went home. We smoothed things over with apologies the next day, but I feel as though I built a wall around myself after that fight, and I haven't felt relaxed since. I suppose I have a bit of PTSD 😬. So, those are my personal downsides to conflict.

And it’s foolish to enter a relationship expecting everything to run perfectly. It won't. I need to learn that a disagreement isn't the end of the world.

Regarding responsibility, the downside for me is that I dislike people depending on me, I'm not a fan of group work, and I have a tendency to procrastinate. I worry about failing to meet both others' expectations and my own, yet I have to be responsible. I can't spend another few years just messing around at university or backpacking through Europe because of the financial situation I mentioned earlier. It feels as though responsibility has been forced upon me for years now; I dislike having to do things simply because I "have" to.

Your method is good. 😳

Look, you’ve basically survived two major hits to the gut with people who actually mattered—your ex and that friend. Toss in the family drama and that crushing anxiety about what comes after graduation (trust me, I went through that exact same mental spiral, and it was brutal), and it’s honestly no wonder you’re feeling pretty low right now. It’s hard to breathe, let alone live life to the fullest, when everything feels this heavy. Have you had a chance to bring any of this up with your therapist yet?

boldwalker12 said:Look, you’ve basically survived two major hits to the gut with people who actually mattered—your ex and that friend. Toss in the family drama and that crushing anxiety about what comes after graduation (trust me, I went through that exact same mental spiral, and it was brutal), and it’s honestly no wonder you’re feeling pretty low right now. It’s hard to breathe, let alone live life to the fullest, when everything feels this heavy. Have you had a chance to bring any of this up with your therapist yet?

Last week was incredibly turbulent, and unfortunately, my therapist had to reschedule our session for next week. I haven't had the chance to talk yet, nor did I fully realize how close I was to a breaking point until just recently, when I realized I am dissatisfied with almost everything. I need to collect my thoughts first, so I am still preparing for that conversation.

I originally started this thread because both my sister and a close friend asked if I was actually happy right now, and honestly, I couldn't give them a definitive yes. After I shared a small portion of what's been weighing on me, my sister suggested that perhaps I've just become conditioned by all the drama from my psycho ex, and now that things are finally stable, I'm making mountains out of molehills. She wanted some objective perspectives on my complaining.

Taylor Smith3 said:🤣 I'll go with the flow 😬

I think it’s acceptable sometimes. For instance, I dealt with a similar issue at the start of a previous relationship. Let's restart from the beginning, assuming we're conducting a little psychoanalysis here.

My first serious relationship—I won't go into the weeds—was relatively stable. There were a few disagreements, one major crisis, and then a sudden breakup initiated by him. Looking back, those minor frictions toward the end should have been a signal that things weren't working, given how rarely we actually clashed.

When I entered my next relationship, whenever something stung, I would simply shut down. It wasn't even that I was being quiet; I just went blank, which is entirely unlike me. I was like a dog with a conditioned response 😳 where any hint of conflict triggered memories of that breakup. Eventually, after a few months, I managed to move past that silent phase and started speaking up, even when he was being completely irrational. However, since I tend to be more sensitive than most, I started picking at absolutely everything that bothered me, which eventually led to me, quite objectively, nitpicking over trivialities.

With more experience now, I believe it’s fine to let certain things slide because fighting isn't always worth the energy, and often, if I just sleep on it, the issues seem much more trivial the next day. As for the upside of conflict, it allows you to vent whatever is bothering you, whether through an outburst or a constructive conversation, and it can almost give you the impression that your partner actually cares enough to get worked up, though that might be a silly observation. Then again, if you look at my thread on LIES regarding verbal abuse during arguments, the downside is clear: people can become aggressive and truly hurt one another.

Right before my last argument with my boyfriend, I was head over heels; everything felt perfect until this disagreement happened. It wasn't even catastrophic, I just didn't know how to respond in the moment, so I went home. We smoothed things over with apologies the next day, but I feel as though I built a wall around myself after that fight, and I haven't felt relaxed since. I suppose I have a bit of PTSD 😬. So, those are my personal downsides to conflict.

And it’s foolish to enter a relationship expecting everything to run perfectly. It won't. I need to learn that a disagreement isn't the end of the world.

Regarding responsibility, the downside for me is that I dislike people depending on me, I'm not a fan of group work, and I have a tendency to procrastinate. I worry about failing to meet both others' expectations and my own, yet I have to be responsible. I can't spend another few years just messing around at university or backpacking through Europe because of the financial situation I mentioned earlier. It feels as though responsibility has been forced upon me for years now; I dislike having to do things simply because I "have" to.

Your method is good. 😳

😍

Let’s start from square one—I assume we’re all here to psychoanalyze me now, right?

You write, I ask. At its core, all I’m doing is interrogating the questions—a minimalist approach. 🙂
Maybe you could help me clear my head.

Based on my own experience, I’ve come to believe there’s a certain wisdom in just staying silent sometimes—it’s rarely worth the energy to fight. Plus, if I just sleep on it, half those issues seem completely ridiculous by morning. I suppose there are merits to arguing; it acts as a sort of release valve for whatever is eating at you, whether that manifests as a screaming match or a productive dialogue. There’s even that slight, perhaps misguided, sense that a partner actually cares about you if they’re willing to get worked up over something you said. But then again, if you look back at my old thread on LIES regarding verbal abuse during conflicts, the dark side is pretty clear—people can get incredibly aggressive, and the damage done in the heat of the moment isn't always easy to fix.

So, you’re basically using arguments as both a pressure valve and a litmus test for whether he actually gives a damn. Why do you need the blowouts and the tests, though? Is he failing to show he cares anywhere else in the relationship?

Before that last blowout with my boyfriend, I was head over heels—everything felt effortless. Then came that argument. It wasn't even a massive blowup, honestly; I just froze up, didn't know how to respond in the moment, and ended up just walking out. We smoothed things over the next day with plenty of apologies, but I can't shake the feeling that I built this wall around myself after it happened. I'm just not relaxed anymore. PTSD is a hell of a thing. 😬Here’s my take on my own flaws when it comes to arguing.

What was actually so difficult about that last argument? You claimed you were "in love before it happened"—so what, did the feeling just vanish once the shouting stopped?

The problem with responsibility—if you can even call it that—is that I can't stand the thought of people leaning on me. I’ve never been much for group projects; they're just a slow way to let everyone down. My habit of leaving everything until the absolute last second isn't just laziness—it's this constant, nagging fear that I won't meet anyone's expectations, including my own. But here's the reality check: I have to be responsible. I can't spend another few years drifting through college or backpacking across Europe on a whim—not with the financial mess I mentioned earlier. It feels like this sense of duty was forced on me—something piled onto my shoulders years ago—and now everything I do feels mandatory. I don't want to do any of it.

What actually happens when you stop meeting everyone else's expectations?

placidranger said:😍

Let’s start from square one—I assume we’re all here to psychoanalyze me now, right?

You write, I ask. At its core, all I’m doing is interrogating the questions—a minimalist approach. 🙂
Maybe you could help me clear my head.

Based on my own experience, I’ve come to believe there’s a certain wisdom in just staying silent sometimes—it’s rarely worth the energy to fight. Plus, if I just sleep on it, half those issues seem completely ridiculous by morning. I suppose there are merits to arguing; it acts as a sort of release valve for whatever is eating at you, whether that manifests as a screaming match or a productive dialogue. There’s even that slight, perhaps misguided, sense that a partner actually cares about you if they’re willing to get worked up over something you said. But then again, if you look back at my old thread on LIES regarding verbal abuse during conflicts, the dark side is pretty clear—people can get incredibly aggressive, and the damage done in the heat of the moment isn't always easy to fix.

So, you’re basically using arguments as both a pressure valve and a litmus test for whether he actually gives a damn. Why do you need the blowouts and the tests, though? Is he failing to show he cares anywhere else in the relationship?

Before that last blowout with my boyfriend, I was head over heels—everything felt effortless. Then came that argument. It wasn't even a massive blowup, honestly; I just froze up, didn't know how to respond in the moment, and ended up just walking out. We smoothed things over the next day with plenty of apologies, but I can't shake the feeling that I built this wall around myself after it happened. I'm just not relaxed anymore. PTSD is a hell of a thing. 😬Here’s my take on my own flaws when it comes to arguing.

What was actually so difficult about that last argument? You claimed you were "in love before it happened"—so what, did the feeling just vanish once the shouting stopped?

The problem with responsibility—if you can even call it that—is that I can't stand the thought of people leaning on me. I’ve never been much for group projects; they're just a slow way to let everyone down. My habit of leaving everything until the absolute last second isn't just laziness—it's this constant, nagging fear that I won't meet anyone's expectations, including my own. But here's the reality check: I have to be responsible. I can't spend another few years drifting through college or backpacking across Europe on a whim—not with the financial mess I mentioned earlier. It feels like this sense of duty was forced on me—something piled onto my shoulders years ago—and now everything I do feels mandatory. I don't want to do any of it.

What actually happens when you stop meeting everyone else's expectations?

He does. He is incredibly good to me; he listens, his affection is palpable in the way he touches me, and there is a fundamental respect in how he treats me. Regardless, I still find myself asking those irrational questions about whether he cares because he doesn't express his devotion through toxic behaviors. For instance, he isn't jealous, he won't send me psychotic texts just because I had a coworker hitting on me in the past, and when I broke down the other day because an ex rattled me, he didn't react with hostility or judgment; he simply let me vent. It bothers me that he doesn't exhibit his attachment through those darker, more intense channels. Clearly 😁 damn, I’m completely losing it 🙄

I suspect this is a learned pattern from a previous relationship where we would retreat into each other's arms for explosive, cinematic make-up sex after every fight. It is actually something I am currently processing with my therapist—the idea that some dysfunctional part of me craves that kind of intensity, even though my rational side knows better. We just haven't figured out how to quiet that broken 🤣
part of me yet.

placidranger said:😍

Let’s start from square one—I assume we’re all here to psychoanalyze me now, right?

You write, I ask. At its core, all I’m doing is interrogating the questions—a minimalist approach. 🙂
Maybe you could help me clear my head.

Based on my own experience, I’ve come to believe there’s a certain wisdom in just staying silent sometimes—it’s rarely worth the energy to fight. Plus, if I just sleep on it, half those issues seem completely ridiculous by morning. I suppose there are merits to arguing; it acts as a sort of release valve for whatever is eating at you, whether that manifests as a screaming match or a productive dialogue. There’s even that slight, perhaps misguided, sense that a partner actually cares about you if they’re willing to get worked up over something you said. But then again, if you look back at my old thread on LIES regarding verbal abuse during conflicts, the dark side is pretty clear—people can get incredibly aggressive, and the damage done in the heat of the moment isn't always easy to fix.

So, you’re basically using arguments as both a pressure valve and a litmus test for whether he actually gives a damn. Why do you need the blowouts and the tests, though? Is he failing to show he cares anywhere else in the relationship?

Before that last blowout with my boyfriend, I was head over heels—everything felt effortless. Then came that argument. It wasn't even a massive blowup, honestly; I just froze up, didn't know how to respond in the moment, and ended up just walking out. We smoothed things over the next day with plenty of apologies, but I can't shake the feeling that I built this wall around myself after it happened. I'm just not relaxed anymore. PTSD is a hell of a thing. 😬Here’s my take on my own flaws when it comes to arguing.

What was actually so difficult about that last argument? You claimed you were "in love before it happened"—so what, did the feeling just vanish once the shouting stopped?

The problem with responsibility—if you can even call it that—is that I can't stand the thought of people leaning on me. I’ve never been much for group projects; they're just a slow way to let everyone down. My habit of leaving everything until the absolute last second isn't just laziness—it's this constant, nagging fear that I won't meet anyone's expectations, including my own. But here's the reality check: I have to be responsible. I can't spend another few years drifting through college or backpacking across Europe on a whim—not with the financial mess I mentioned earlier. It feels like this sense of duty was forced on me—something piled onto my shoulders years ago—and now everything I do feels mandatory. I don't want to do any of it.

What actually happens when you stop meeting everyone else's expectations?

I suppose a little bit. It was difficult because his behavior triggered memories of my ex. In those moments, my stress levels don't just spike; they skyrocket. I knew he realized he was wrong—I could see it in his eyes—yet he continued to spit out these arrogant, accusatory words. I had built him up in my mind as someone more composed and mature than I am, someone who reads me perfectly; I didn't expect him to "fight" back, I expected him to simply admit fault since he was clearly at fault. When that didn't happen, I gave him space to cool off, and eventually, he apologized once he regained his senses. But that window of time where he acted completely irrational drove me mad, simply because I wasn't prepared for him to act that way.

placidranger said:😍

Let’s start from square one—I assume we’re all here to psychoanalyze me now, right?

You write, I ask. At its core, all I’m doing is interrogating the questions—a minimalist approach. 🙂
Maybe you could help me clear my head.

Based on my own experience, I’ve come to believe there’s a certain wisdom in just staying silent sometimes—it’s rarely worth the energy to fight. Plus, if I just sleep on it, half those issues seem completely ridiculous by morning. I suppose there are merits to arguing; it acts as a sort of release valve for whatever is eating at you, whether that manifests as a screaming match or a productive dialogue. There’s even that slight, perhaps misguided, sense that a partner actually cares about you if they’re willing to get worked up over something you said. But then again, if you look back at my old thread on LIES regarding verbal abuse during conflicts, the dark side is pretty clear—people can get incredibly aggressive, and the damage done in the heat of the moment isn't always easy to fix.

So, you’re basically using arguments as both a pressure valve and a litmus test for whether he actually gives a damn. Why do you need the blowouts and the tests, though? Is he failing to show he cares anywhere else in the relationship?

Before that last blowout with my boyfriend, I was head over heels—everything felt effortless. Then came that argument. It wasn't even a massive blowup, honestly; I just froze up, didn't know how to respond in the moment, and ended up just walking out. We smoothed things over the next day with plenty of apologies, but I can't shake the feeling that I built this wall around myself after it happened. I'm just not relaxed anymore. PTSD is a hell of a thing. 😬Here’s my take on my own flaws when it comes to arguing.

What was actually so difficult about that last argument? You claimed you were "in love before it happened"—so what, did the feeling just vanish once the shouting stopped?

The problem with responsibility—if you can even call it that—is that I can't stand the thought of people leaning on me. I’ve never been much for group projects; they're just a slow way to let everyone down. My habit of leaving everything until the absolute last second isn't just laziness—it's this constant, nagging fear that I won't meet anyone's expectations, including my own. But here's the reality check: I have to be responsible. I can't spend another few years drifting through college or backpacking across Europe on a whim—not with the financial mess I mentioned earlier. It feels like this sense of duty was forced on me—something piled onto my shoulders years ago—and now everything I do feels mandatory. I don't want to do any of it.

What actually happens when you stop meeting everyone else's expectations?

I couldn't say for certain, as I have always filled them out in the past. It is simply a fear of the unknown, clearly 🤷

Taylor Smith3 said:He does. He is incredibly good to me; he listens, his affection is palpable in the way he touches me, and there is a fundamental respect in how he treats me. Regardless, I still find myself asking those irrational questions about whether he cares because he doesn't express his devotion through toxic behaviors. For instance, he isn't jealous, he won't send me psychotic texts just because I had a coworker hitting on me in the past, and when I broke down the other day because an ex rattled me, he didn't react with hostility or judgment; he simply let me vent. It bothers me that he doesn't exhibit his attachment through those darker, more intense channels. Clearly 😁 damn, I’m completely losing it 🙄

I suspect this is a learned pattern from a previous relationship where we would retreat into each other's arms for explosive, cinematic make-up sex after every fight. It is actually something I am currently processing with my therapist—the idea that some dysfunctional part of me craves that kind of intensity, even though my rational side knows better. We just haven't figured out how to quiet that broken 🤣
part of me yet.

I suppose a little bit. It was difficult because his behavior triggered memories of my ex. In those moments, my stress levels don't just spike; they skyrocket. I knew he realized he was wrong—I could see it in his eyes—yet he continued to spit out these arrogant, accusatory words. I had built him up in my mind as someone more composed and mature than I am, someone who reads me perfectly; I didn't expect him to "fight" back, I expected him to simply admit fault since he was clearly at fault. When that didn't happen, I gave him space to cool off, and eventually, he apologized once he regained his senses. But that window of time where he acted completely irrational drove me mad, simply because I wasn't prepared for him to act that way.

I couldn't say for certain, as I have always filled them out in the past. It is simply a fear of the unknown, clearly 🤷

So, I guess that's the silver lining of fighting?

placidranger said:So, I guess that's the silver lining of fighting?

Fair enough. It actually is.

Fair enough. You also mentioned that arguing serves as a sort of "exhaust valve" for whatever is eating at you. Does that mean you usually just let things build up until they boil over?

placidranger said:Fair enough. You also mentioned that arguing serves as a sort of "exhaust valve" for whatever is eating at you. Does that mean you usually just let things build up until they boil over?

In essence, yes. With my family, I tend to speak up almost immediately when something irritates me; even if I don't say it out loud, my mood shifts enough that it becomes obvious, so there is little point in sweeping things under the rug. However, with certain people, I find myself constantly overlooking their behavior until I eventually reach a breaking point where I simply cut them out of my life entirely—much like that friend boldwalker12 was talking about. It just takes quite a while for my fuse to run out.

Though, looking at it from your perspective, it seems as though I am actually suppressing a lot, yet others perceive me as someone with a volatile temper. It feels somewhat contradictory, doesn't it? 🤷

We can pick up this psychoanalysis once I get home, so please don't feel pressured to wait for my next reply. 😉

Taylor Smith3 said:In essence, yes. With my family, I tend to speak up almost immediately when something irritates me; even if I don't say it out loud, my mood shifts enough that it becomes obvious, so there is little point in sweeping things under the rug. However, with certain people, I find myself constantly overlooking their behavior until I eventually reach a breaking point where I simply cut them out of my life entirely—much like that friend boldwalker12 was talking about. It just takes quite a while for my fuse to run out.

Though, looking at it from your perspective, it seems as though I am actually suppressing a lot, yet others perceive me as someone with a volatile temper. It feels somewhat contradictory, doesn't it? 🤷

We can pick up this psychoanalysis once I get home, so please don't feel pressured to wait for my next reply. 😉

Is it the same way with guys?

Now that you mention it, it sounds like I just shut down and swallow my resentment, yet my social circle sees me as this hot-headed person prone to outbursts. Isn't that a bit contradictory? 🤷

Hm. Yeah, it is contradictory.
How does your current boyfriend see you?

We'll finish this psychoanalysis once I'm back home, so you aren't stuck waiting on my next reply. 😉

Damn, hurry up and get home then.😁

placidranger said:Is it the same way with guys?

Now that you mention it, it sounds like I just shut down and swallow my resentment, yet my social circle sees me as this hot-headed person prone to outbursts. Isn't that a bit contradictory? 🤷

Hm. Yeah, it is contradictory.
How does your current boyfriend see you?

We'll finish this psychoanalysis once I'm back home, so you aren't stuck waiting on my next reply. 😉

Damn, hurry up and get home then.😁

I behave quite differently with men than I do with my family. For instance, there are things my sister would absolutely lose her mind over, yet if my boyfriend did the same, it might pass entirely unnoticed. It might sting, certainly, but I wouldn't make a scene; I would likely even find an excuse for him. In short, I am far more tolerant toward men than I am toward the rest of the world.

My current partner and I haven't been together very long, so he probably doesn't have a fully formed view of how I handle these specific issues. He describes me as being difficult, though he doesn't see me as someone who is constantly looking for a fight. Regarding this situation with my friend, he completely takes my side and doesn't think I'm overreacting just because I've asked about it a million times, even if he does tell me I'm being foolish or overcomplicating things and should just move on. Ultimately, he doesn't view me as an aggressive or high-strung person.

There, I managed one response before heading out; let me socialize in peace, as you can see I'm not going anywhere 😛

Taylor Smith3 said:I behave quite differently with men than I do with my family. For instance, there are things my sister would absolutely lose her mind over, yet if my boyfriend did the same, it might pass entirely unnoticed. It might sting, certainly, but I wouldn't make a scene; I would likely even find an excuse for him. In short, I am far more tolerant toward men than I am toward the rest of the world.

My current partner and I haven't been together very long, so he probably doesn't have a fully formed view of how I handle these specific issues. He describes me as being difficult, though he doesn't see me as someone who is constantly looking for a fight. Regarding this situation with my friend, he completely takes my side and doesn't think I'm overreacting just because I've asked about it a million times, even if he does tell me I'm being foolish or overcomplicating things and should just move on. Ultimately, he doesn't view me as an aggressive or high-strung person.

There, I managed one response before heading out; let me socialize in peace, as you can see I'm not going anywhere 😛

That sounds incredibly contradictory to me. Like, how can you claim to be "on my side" while simultaneously calling me an idiot and telling me I'm being dramatic? 😕

Taylor Smith3 said:I behave quite differently with men than I do with my family. For instance, there are things my sister would absolutely lose her mind over, yet if my boyfriend did the same, it might pass entirely unnoticed. It might sting, certainly, but I wouldn't make a scene; I would likely even find an excuse for him. In short, I am far more tolerant toward men than I am toward the rest of the world.

My current partner and I haven't been together very long, so he probably doesn't have a fully formed view of how I handle these specific issues. He describes me as being difficult, though he doesn't see me as someone who is constantly looking for a fight. Regarding this situation with my friend, he completely takes my side and doesn't think I'm overreacting just because I've asked about it a million times, even if he does tell me I'm being foolish or overcomplicating things and should just move on. Ultimately, he doesn't view me as an aggressive or high-strung person.

There, I managed one response before heading out; let me socialize in peace, as you can see I'm not going anywhere 😛

Man, today's trial runs were a mess... total disaster. I'll try to come up with some actual questions tomorrow.

boldwalker12 said:That sounds incredibly contradictory to me. Like, how can you claim to be "on my side" while simultaneously calling me an idiot and telling me I'm being dramatic? 😕

He maintains his support by insisting that I handled everything perfectly those evenings and that my position is correct. However, regarding the situation with my friend, some new developments surfaced while I was away in the States, and he can see that it is weighing on me day after day. He actually told me once that we are both being foolish and asked why we haven't resolved it yet—he was implying that perhaps I should just give in, not because it is the right thing to do, but simply to end my own distress. I was having a complete meltdown that day.

Taylor Smith3 said:He maintains his support by insisting that I handled everything perfectly those evenings and that my position is correct. However, regarding the situation with my friend, some new developments surfaced while I was away in the States, and he can see that it is weighing on me day after day. He actually told me once that we are both being foolish and asked why we haven't resolved it yet—he was implying that perhaps I should just give in, not because it is the right thing to do, but simply to end my own distress. I was having a complete meltdown that day.

Aha. That sentence totally threw me for a loop. 🙂

boldwalker12 said:Aha. That sentence totally threw me for a loop. 🙂

I was rushing and ended up being a bit careless with my wording.