Depression or something else?

Hey everyone, I’m looking for a little bit of advice... or maybe just some perspective from you all.
So, before the summer started, my partner went to see a psychiatrist—it wasn't for anything major, really—but he's been convinced ever since that he’s dealing with depression. A doctor actually confirmed there's some kind of disorder going on, though I'm not entirely sure what the specific diagnosis was.

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around what might be causing this. His father has been dealing with a very serious illness, and he’s also spent a long time in school without graduating. But if I’m being honest, I think a big part of it is that he never really got to have a normal childhood. His mother isn't particularly capable when it comes to handling things, so he ended up having to step up way too early. Even at fifteen, he was the one everyone turned to for advice and solutions to their problems. He's incredibly brilliant, but instead of just hanging out with kids his age or playing outside, he was always stuck at home "contemplating life" with the adults.

From what I can see, some of the symptoms include him being unable to sleep at night—he’s constantly waking up—which then leads to him sleeping and eating excessively all through the day.
He won't even get out of bed until 11:00 or noon, and then he'll message me around 2:00 PM saying he's heading back to sleep. It honestly makes no sense to me; I work a full-time job, and I certainly don't feel the need to go straight to bed the second I get home.
On top of that, he has absolutely zero interest in being social or going out with his friends.
His ideal scenario seems to be that we stay cooped up at his place all the time, just watching movies and staying in.
I just don't know... he seems totally checked out from everything, including our sex life—and we've only been together for about a year or two.
Do you think there's something deeper going on here? I would really appreciate any thoughts or advice on how I should handle this.
🤷

It feels a lot like depression to me—that total loss of motivation. I’ve been there myself, honestly. What I eventually realized was that I had to force myself out of it by starting with tiny, manageable wins... right now, for example, I make sure to get out for at least a 40-minute walk every single day. You could try encouraging him to make some small shifts like that. As for the sleep situation, yeah, that can be a nightmare. I used to never nap in the afternoon, but over the last year, I’ve started napping frequently, only for it to turn into sleeping straight through until evening, which is terrible. Then you can't fall asleep at night, and the cycle just repeats. I've learned the hard way that if I sleep longer than my usual eight hours, I actually end up feeling more exhausted and even more irritable.

I’ve tried a few different approaches—sometimes I’ll suggest we go grab a coffee or just take a long walk through the park together—but honestly, it feels like I'm hitting a brick wall. It is so incredibly difficult to get him motivated to do anything at all. I’m genuinely at a loss here; I don't know what else to try or how to phrase things differently to reach him. To be honest, I have my own moments where I just want to crawl under the covers and hide from the entire world. I think it’s pretty normal, though—everyone has those days where everything just feels too much. On my bad days, I tend to react just like you do; I force myself to stay busy, whether it's running errands around town, obsessively cleaning the house, or hitting a high-intensity class at Equinox just to burn off the frustration.

But with him, this withdrawal has been going on for months now...

Based on the symptoms you've described, it sounds like he might be struggling with depression.
It is incredibly difficult to expect someone in the middle of a depressive episode to just snap out of it or find their own momentum; they simply lack the internal resources to do so, which is why psychologists often refer to the concept of "learned helplessness."
Ultimately, your boyfriend has to reach a point where he decides he has had enough, and while you can certainly offer support and stay by his side through the dark times, the actual decision to change must come from him.
I have found that people who haven't personally navigated a major depressive episode often struggle to grasp the sheer weight of it—that paralyzing feeling where you can't find the strength to get out of bed, or when your relationship with food becomes completely erratic, or when you lose all interest in seeing friends and just want to withdraw from the world entirely.
Is he currently seeing a specialist or perhaps visiting a clinic for outpatient treatment, and is he following any specific medication or therapy protocols?
The way things stand right now doesn't look sustainable, and I worry that if this continues, it will start to take a serious toll on your relationship.

No, his doctor actually prescribed some medication, but he’s just refusing to take it... He’s convinced everything is perfectly fine—honestly, he’s just too embarrassed to face what people might think of him. It’s that classic pride getting in the way, I suppose.
So, there’s zero intention of him actually following through with treatment. We talk about it constantly, but by the end of the conversation, he treats the whole thing like some kind of joke. I really can't wrap my head around his thought process—I’m trying to figure out if this is spiraling into a much deeper issue or if it’s just some temporary "phase" he's going through. How am I even supposed to tell the difference? I’ve begged him to go back to his doctor just so we can get a clear picture of what we're dealing with...
But he won't budge. ??

Honestly, I’m at my wit's end with him; I just can't wrap my brain around it. I try so hard, I really do, but there are days when I just want to be miles away from him. Sometimes it feels like his total lack of concern is starting to rub off on me, which is a scary thought...
Because that would definitely be a disaster.

What you wrote there is just the starting line. Therapy has to be a consistent thing, exactly how the doctor prescribed it. It’s also really important to keep an eye on medication dosages—it's easy to run into trouble with sudden stops or even accidental overdoses if someone starts adjusting things on their own without guidance.
Staying on top of those doses and keeping up with regular psychiatric checkups basically wins 75% of the battle against depression.
At the end of the day, I guess it all comes down to being honest with yourself about needing help.

What even is depression?
How does it start?
Why?
Wasn't this stuff just... not a thing before?

velvetmason67 said:What you wrote there is just the starting line. Therapy has to be a consistent thing, exactly how the doctor prescribed it. It’s also really important to keep an eye on medication dosages—it's easy to run into trouble with sudden stops or even accidental overdoses if someone starts adjusting things on their own without guidance.
Staying on top of those doses and keeping up with regular psychiatric checkups basically wins 75% of the battle against depression.
At the end of the day, I guess it all comes down to being honest with yourself about needing help.

How do I even go about forcing him to go back for another evaluation—but this time, making sure I’m actually in the room to hear what the doctor says?
I am willing to do whatever it takes, but I desperately need some advice on how to push him if he's absolutely convinced that everything is perfectly fine.
I mean, I think deep down even he can tell things aren't right, but it feels like he's just brushing it off... treating it like some minor phase he'll eventually grow out of.
To me, this feels like something much more serious.

I’ve been going through a really rough patch lately—I won't go into all the details here on the forum
I don't have quite enough information about your situation yet, so if you're up for it, I could send over a few questions
via private message. Just let me know if you'd want me to do that. I'll check for your response either here on the forum or in my inbox.
I guess a person's worth is really defined by how willing they are to lend a hand.

I was just wondering if you two have been together for about a year and two months now🤣.
That’s pretty sweet. So, basically fourteen months?
Anyway, it doesn't really matter—I don't need an answer or anything.

Regarding your boyfriend and that lack of motivation he's showing...
Until he truly understands what’s going on deep down, you probably won't be able to force him to see a psychiatrist.
The only way would be to try using an ultimatum, but that can easily backfire.
Maybe try explaining things differently. Tell him how his behavior is making you unhappy in the relationship...
Let him know that it's frustrating you and preventing you from being happy, and suggest that seeing a doctor is just a small, manageable step toward improving both his life and yours.
It’s really just a conversation that might take an hour or so to start with.
Tell him that if the doctor confirms everything is fine, then you’ll accept his lethargy and stop pushing...

I have to say, you really nailed that analysis. Honestly, even a therapist might struggle to put it better than you did.
Best,

I’m just about to fix myself a cup of coffee and sit down for a real heart-to-heart with him... I’m going to try my best to walk him through everything and really talk things out.
I'm honestly curious to see how he reacts...

Eric Jackson11—you said a year or two? If you don't mind me asking, what makes you say that??
velvetmason67—I truly want to help him. I need to be his rock, the person he can lean on most, so I’d really appreciate it if you could send those details over to my inbox.

Thanks, everyone. 🙂

The conversation went okay, though I was trying to send something around 2:00 AM and it just wouldn't go through three or four times.
I guess the questions aren't working right, especially since we spent all day yesterday visiting cemeteries.

Is there any change happening with how we access therapy?🤷

Joshua Price3 said:No, his doctor actually prescribed some medication, but he’s just refusing to take it... He’s convinced everything is perfectly fine—honestly, he’s just too embarrassed to face what people might think of him. It’s that classic pride getting in the way, I suppose.
So, there’s zero intention of him actually following through with treatment. We talk about it constantly, but by the end of the conversation, he treats the whole thing like some kind of joke. I really can't wrap my head around his thought process—I’m trying to figure out if this is spiraling into a much deeper issue or if it’s just some temporary "phase" he's going through. How am I even supposed to tell the difference? I’ve begged him to go back to his doctor just so we can get a clear picture of what we're dealing with...
But he won't budge. ??

Honestly, I’m at my wit's end with him; I just can't wrap my brain around it. I try so hard, I really do, but there are days when I just want to be miles away from him. Sometimes it feels like his total lack of concern is starting to rub off on me, which is a scary thought...
Because that would definitely be a disaster.

I'm probably late to the party here, but my advice is to stop interrogating him about it. He is almost certainly never going to tell you exactly what the issue is—not because he doesn't trust you, but likely because he doesn't even understand it himself. Constant questioning is just going to drive a wedge between you and make him retreat even further into his shell. If he does decide to open up, fine, listen to him and try to stay constructive. I know your intentions are pure, but please, don't bring up how much "better" he used to be or how you don't get why he changed; he'll just feel like you're constantly throwing his failures in his face. You seem like a pretty passionate, outspoken person, and I know it’s going to be incredibly hard to stay calm facing this kind of passivity. You’ll just end up getting more frustrated and stuck in a loop of "what do I do?", while he just withdraws more. Unfortunately, that’s how it goes—I've seen it play out a dozen times, both in my own life and in others.

My final piece of advice is to try motivating him with something positive. Whether it's planning a trip, getting into a creative hobby together, or even just ramping up the intimacy in the bedroom—try anything. But if nothing works, don't just sit there being a martyr. Tell him clearly how much this is frustrating you and insist that he explains what the hell is going on. Honestly? 90% of the time you won't get an answer; you'll just get a defensive, self-pitying response, and at that point, it's pointless—just walk away! It sounds harsh, I know, but once you've tried everything and the complaining just keeps going, you have to look out for yourself. You aren't going to find happiness staying in this, and he isn't going to move forward until he hits rock bottom and finally realizes what he actually wants out of life...

Joshua Price3 said:Hey everyone, I’m looking for a little bit of advice... or maybe just some perspective from you all.
So, before the summer started, my partner went to see a psychiatrist—it wasn't for anything major, really—but he's been convinced ever since that he’s dealing with depression. A doctor actually confirmed there's some kind of disorder going on, though I'm not entirely sure what the specific diagnosis was.

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around what might be causing this. His father has been dealing with a very serious illness, and he’s also spent a long time in school without graduating. But if I’m being honest, I think a big part of it is that he never really got to have a normal childhood. His mother isn't particularly capable when it comes to handling things, so he ended up having to step up way too early. Even at fifteen, he was the one everyone turned to for advice and solutions to their problems. He's incredibly brilliant, but instead of just hanging out with kids his age or playing outside, he was always stuck at home "contemplating life" with the adults.

From what I can see, some of the symptoms include him being unable to sleep at night—he’s constantly waking up—which then leads to him sleeping and eating excessively all through the day.
He won't even get out of bed until 11:00 or noon, and then he'll message me around 2:00 PM saying he's heading back to sleep. It honestly makes no sense to me; I work a full-time job, and I certainly don't feel the need to go straight to bed the second I get home.
On top of that, he has absolutely zero interest in being social or going out with his friends.
His ideal scenario seems to be that we stay cooped up at his place all the time, just watching movies and staying in.
I just don't know... he seems totally checked out from everything, including our sex life—and we've only been together for about a year or two.
Do you think there's something deeper going on here? I would really appreciate any thoughts or advice on how I should handle this.
🤷

Just go out and find a guy who isn't such a lazy, narrow-minded loser👍

Finding someone without love is easy. But actually loving someone? That’s the hard part.😵

Sleep is just an escape

So, regarding the therapy—we’re back at square one. He didn't go pick up his prescriptions, nor did he bother seeing his doctor. Honestly, he can be incredibly difficult, and who am I to tell him how to live his life? I really don't want to overstep... I’m starting to feel my own motivation slipping away, too; it’s hard to keep pouring energy into something when you know he isn't going to listen anyway. There are moments where things seem fine, but it’s just not quite right... it doesn't feel like the person I know him to be.

I have no intention of walking away, though. You don't just run for the hills the moment things get messy—that's not how I operate. He’s exactly who he is, and to me, he’s perfect.🙂 Even if I can't provide the actual medical help he needs, I can at least be there by his side.

Thanks to everyone for the input. We'll see how things unfold... I just hope his lack of interest doesn't start rubbing off on me.😢

Best,

I think you really ought to focus more on yourself and maybe try dialing back that jealousy just a hair...
The specifics will follow via email if you're interested.