I need help helping someone

Do guys actually get stuck in their own heads and genuinely believe they aren't good enough for a girl? I have this friend dealing with a guy who’s basically had a total mental breakdown, and now he’s constantly acting like some kind of loser who doesn't deserve her. It’s not even a "it's not you, it's me" breakup situation because he’s still leaving the door wide open—he just won't stop preaching about how she deserves someone way better because she's so smart and amazing and whatever. She's head over heels for him and can't wrap her head around why he's being so incredibly insecure. She’s told him a million times that she loves him exactly as he is and doesn't want anyone else, but he's just obsessed with this idea that he's a failure because everything in his life is hitting the fan right now. What do you guys think about this mindset? Is there any way she can get him to snap out of it? I’ve never dealt with anything like this, so I’m totally lost on what to tell her.

Charles Cooper2 said:Do guys actually get stuck in their own heads and genuinely believe they aren't good enough for a girl? I have this friend dealing with a guy who’s basically had a total mental breakdown, and now he’s constantly acting like some kind of loser who doesn't deserve her. It’s not even a "it's not you, it's me" breakup situation because he’s still leaving the door wide open—he just won't stop preaching about how she deserves someone way better because she's so smart and amazing and whatever. She's head over heels for him and can't wrap her head around why he's being so incredibly insecure. She’s told him a million times that she loves him exactly as he is and doesn't want anyone else, but he's just obsessed with this idea that he's a failure because everything in his life is hitting the fan right now. What do you guys think about this mindset? Is there any way she can get him to snap out of it? I’ve never dealt with anything like this, so I’m totally lost on what to tell her.

She can't. It has to come from within. I don't know what he's dealing with, but clearly whatever it is has completely gutted his confidence. He’s the only one who can fix that. If your friend actually cares about him, she needs to back off and give him some space to sort through his own mess.

You might want to consider that the guy actually has a point here.

Did it ever cross your mind that he might just be using that as another excuse to walk away, much like he has a thousand times before?

Charles Cooper2 said:Do guys actually get stuck in their own heads and genuinely believe they aren't good enough for a girl? I have this friend dealing with a guy who’s basically had a total mental breakdown, and now he’s constantly acting like some kind of loser who doesn't deserve her. It’s not even a "it's not you, it's me" breakup situation because he’s still leaving the door wide open—he just won't stop preaching about how she deserves someone way better because she's so smart and amazing and whatever. She's head over heels for him and can't wrap her head around why he's being so incredibly insecure. She’s told him a million times that she loves him exactly as he is and doesn't want anyone else, but he's just obsessed with this idea that he's a failure because everything in his life is hitting the fan right now. What do you guys think about this mindset? Is there any way she can get him to snap out of it? I’ve never dealt with anything like this, so I’m totally lost on what to tell her.

From what I've seen, guys usually pull that "I'm not good enough" crap when they don't know how to pick up a girl or right after they've cheated on her (or blew all their cash on some stupid stock gamble). They're drowning in guilt and just want the easiest, least painful way to bail.
And honestly? Most of the time, they're actually right. She probably does deserve better.

In my experience, they’re usually right—most of the time, she really does deserve better.

That's an interesting way to look at it. You made a great point there.

Come on, can we at least get one person to tell the truth for once...🙂

..I guess he just doesn't love her anymore... but he knows deep down she’s a perfectly fine girl—which only makes him feel worse about his lack of feelings and the fact that she's still head over heels for him... and then that whole ridiculous, exhausting cycle starts all over again...

I already mentioned that I’m pretty sure this isn't just some idle chatter about someone walking away. You really need to read the whole post. 😠

Keith Howard6 said:She can't. It has to come from within. I don't know what he's dealing with, but clearly whatever it is has completely gutted his confidence. He’s the only one who can fix that. If your friend actually cares about him, she needs to back off and give him some space to sort through his own mess.

You probably have a point there, but man, this is rough for her. She's head over heels for him, but she also gets why it might be better for them if he handles his business before they try to move forward...

She really needs someone she can look down on just to get a little boost to her own ego.

Charles Cooper2 said:Do guys actually get stuck in their own heads and genuinely believe they aren't good enough for a girl? I have this friend dealing with a guy who’s basically had a total mental breakdown, and now he’s constantly acting like some kind of loser who doesn't deserve her. It’s not even a "it's not you, it's me" breakup situation because he’s still leaving the door wide open—he just won't stop preaching about how she deserves someone way better because she's so smart and amazing and whatever. She's head over heels for him and can't wrap her head around why he's being so incredibly insecure. She’s told him a million times that she loves him exactly as he is and doesn't want anyone else, but he's just obsessed with this idea that he's a failure because everything in his life is hitting the fan right now. What do you guys think about this mindset? Is there any way she can get him to snap out of it? I’ve never dealt with anything like this, so I’m totally lost on what to tell her.

Honestly, the mere impulse to try and bend someone else's will to match your own suggests some pretty deep-seated issues with the person doing the forcing.☕

Charles Cooper2 said:Do guys actually get stuck in their own heads and genuinely believe they aren't good enough for a girl? I have this friend dealing with a guy who’s basically had a total mental breakdown, and now he’s constantly acting like some kind of loser who doesn't deserve her. It’s not even a "it's not you, it's me" breakup situation because he’s still leaving the door wide open—he just won't stop preaching about how she deserves someone way better because she's so smart and amazing and whatever. She's head over heels for him and can't wrap her head around why he's being so incredibly insecure. She’s told him a million times that she loves him exactly as he is and doesn't want anyone else, but he's just obsessed with this idea that he's a failure because everything in his life is hitting the fan right now. What do you guys think about this mindset? Is there any way she can get him to snap out of it? I’ve never dealt with anything like this, so I’m totally lost on what to tell her.

From my extensive (and unfortunately quite costly) experience...😍Life experiences—the kind of stories men actually tell:
Or perhaps we are looking at a "wild card" scenario—one where the outcome is rigged from the start. You argue that this is certainly not the case, yet you cannot claim such certainty. These entities can be incredibly persuasive when they want to be.
Alternatively, one might argue this serves as a precursor to self-harm or other similarly moronic pursuits—though, in my estimation, such an outcome remains highly improbable.

I find myself in complete agreement with his assessment.

Walter Myers4 said:From what I've seen, guys usually pull that "I'm not good enough" crap when they don't know how to pick up a girl or right after they've cheated on her (or blew all their cash on some stupid stock gamble). They're drowning in guilt and just want the easiest, least painful way to bail.
And honestly? Most of the time, they're actually right. She probably does deserve better.

slypuma17 said:Honestly, the mere impulse to try and bend someone else's will to match your own suggests some pretty deep-seated issues with the person doing the forcing.☕

You’re totally missing the point here. There’s zero sense in overanalyzing every single little detail until you've basically dissected it to death—you just end up losing the actual meaning in the process. Just look at the heart of the problem for once.

mistyangler46 said:From my extensive (and unfortunately quite costly) experience...😍Life experiences—the kind of stories men actually tell:
Or perhaps we are looking at a "wild card" scenario—one where the outcome is rigged from the start. You argue that this is certainly not the case, yet you cannot claim such certainty. These entities can be incredibly persuasive when they want to be.
Alternatively, one might argue this serves as a precursor to self-harm or other similarly moronic pursuits—though, in my estimation, such an outcome remains highly improbable.

I find myself in complete agreement with his assessment.

Nah, that's not what we're talking about here. Suicide isn't the issue, but something else could definitely go sideways while he's trying to "fix" his problem.

I struggle to understand why everyone is being so superficial about this...
In my own experience, I once felt an incredible connection with someone, yet I chose to walk away for these exact reasons. I was struggling so much personally that I knew I couldn't provide what a partner deserves, nor could I contribute to the kind of deep, meaningful relationship that person earned. PERIOD.
The guy is simply going through a rough patch; he's lost his sense of self and his confidence. He recognizes that she is a wonderful person, and perhaps her being so great actually makes him feel even worse about himself...
If these are truly the reasons behind his decision, you have to respect it. It shows he is being honest with both himself and her...
For her, the wisest path forward is to let him go. She needs to simply move on and let things be; only time will tell if he manages to get his head straight, and when that might happen.

Charles Cooper2 said:Do guys actually get stuck in their own heads and genuinely believe they aren't good enough for a girl? I have this friend dealing with a guy who’s basically had a total mental breakdown, and now he’s constantly acting like some kind of loser who doesn't deserve her. It’s not even a "it's not you, it's me" breakup situation because he’s still leaving the door wide open—he just won't stop preaching about how she deserves someone way better because she's so smart and amazing and whatever. She's head over heels for him and can't wrap her head around why he's being so incredibly insecure. She’s told him a million times that she loves him exactly as he is and doesn't want anyone else, but he's just obsessed with this idea that he's a failure because everything in his life is hitting the fan right now. What do you guys think about this mindset? Is there any way she can get him to snap out of it? I’ve never dealt with anything like this, so I’m totally lost on what to tell her.

He is likely correct that he isn't currently capable of being the partner she needs, and if someone tells you they aren't good enough, it is usually wise to take them at their word.

If a man genuinely believes he has lost his grip on reality, then he is effectively operating from that broken state, regardless of whether his reasoning is sound, so believing him is often the most logical path to take.

Charles Cooper2 said:You’re totally missing the point here. There’s zero sense in overanalyzing every single little detail until you've basically dissected it to death—you just end up losing the actual meaning in the process. Just look at the heart of the problem for once.

You think so?
The girl even admitted she thinks she deserves better, yet here she is, doubling down on trying to "fix" this guy, acting as if he's the center of the universe.
It's as if, if he changes his mind, it counts as her personal victory.

But let's be realistic: that's almost impossible to pull off. Whether he actually means it, whether he’s just saying it to push her away, or—more likely—he’s realized he can play her by pretending to change just to keep her hooked, she’s stuck. No matter his motive, she isn't going to sway him.

So many women find themselves drawn to someone they feel they can mold into their ideal version.
Those who actually succeed are incredibly rare exceptions; honestly, she shouldn't even bother counting herself among them.
And even when they do manage to change them, they often lose interest immediately.
Once there's nothing left to "fix," the game is over. For these women, the act of changing someone is the only way they feel validated—it's their "proof" that the other person actually cares.
They have an issue. A significant one.

If you really want to help her, suggest she finds someone she doesn't have to constantly "convince to see things differently." Then we'll see what she has to say about that.
Didn't she say herself that she deserves better?

slypuma17 said:You think so?
The girl even admitted she thinks she deserves better, yet here she is, doubling down on trying to "fix" this guy, acting as if he's the center of the universe.
It's as if, if he changes his mind, it counts as her personal victory.

But let's be realistic: that's almost impossible to pull off. Whether he actually means it, whether he’s just saying it to push her away, or—more likely—he’s realized he can play her by pretending to change just to keep her hooked, she’s stuck. No matter his motive, she isn't going to sway him.

So many women find themselves drawn to someone they feel they can mold into their ideal version.
Those who actually succeed are incredibly rare exceptions; honestly, she shouldn't even bother counting herself among them.
And even when they do manage to change them, they often lose interest immediately.
Once there's nothing left to "fix," the game is over. For these women, the act of changing someone is the only way they feel validated—it's their "proof" that the other person actually cares.
They have an issue. A significant one.

If you really want to help her, suggest she finds someone she doesn't have to constantly "convince to see things differently." Then we'll see what she has to say about that.
Didn't she say herself that she deserves better?

There is zero point in chiming in if you didn't even read the post. What's the goal there? 🙄
Nowhere in the text does it say SHE claimed he wasn't good enough for her. Get it together.