Fear of commitment

I’ve always struggled to really fit in with social circles. I try to be friendly with everyone, but I never seem to forge those deep, lasting friendships. Because of that, I’ve spent my whole life trying way too hard—trying to be nice to everyone, trying to make them like me, and basically playing people along just to eventually win them over as friends. I know now that it doesn't work that way, so lately, I’ve started adopting this almost ruthless, cynical, and "toxic" attitude instead...
Everything I’ve ever experienced in terms of affection has just been shallow flirting. Honestly, the thought of getting into a real relationship or having to "answer" to someone scares the hell out of me. It gets to the point where I feel like telling guys the second I get to know them that I'm only interested in sex, not love. I just can't wrap my head around being permanently tied to another person, whether it's a friend or a boyfriend. I have this nagging feeling that doing that would just end up suffocating me as an individual. I absolutely loathe the idea of "depending" on anyone, which is why I actually feel most comfortable right now while I'm alone. But at the same time, I can't ignore that basic human need for security and protection—I miss having someone to lean on!
How do I help myself?

Welcome to the club🙂😘

I honestly don't know either
I just can't seem to make relationships work without losing who I am in the process. I always end up regretting it, so now I just don't let anyone get close anymore...

Even my "friends" are getting on my nerves lately. I've realized I have nothing in common with most of them, and it’s just eating away at me...

Maybe some people are just born to be individuals and live life on their own terms...😠 😁

Here’s another one for you 😁
I've been a loner my whole life. Honestly, sometimes I feel like trying to force myself into social circles and play the socialization game is the most exhausting work 😬 ever.
So, I just stopped trying. People can either take me as I am or they can leave.

mellowbear72 said:I’ve always struggled to really fit in with social circles. I try to be friendly with everyone, but I never seem to forge those deep, lasting friendships. Because of that, I’ve spent my whole life trying way too hard—trying to be nice to everyone, trying to make them like me, and basically playing people along just to eventually win them over as friends. I know now that it doesn't work that way, so lately, I’ve started adopting this almost ruthless, cynical, and "toxic" attitude instead...
Everything I’ve ever experienced in terms of affection has just been shallow flirting. Honestly, the thought of getting into a real relationship or having to "answer" to someone scares the hell out of me. It gets to the point where I feel like telling guys the second I get to know them that I'm only interested in sex, not love. I just can't wrap my head around being permanently tied to another person, whether it's a friend or a boyfriend. I have this nagging feeling that doing that would just end up suffocating me as an individual. I absolutely loathe the idea of "depending" on anyone, which is why I actually feel most comfortable right now while I'm alone. But at the same time, I can't ignore that basic human need for security and protection—I miss having someone to lean on!
How do I help myself?

Count me in on that club if you're accepting new members. 😛
The only difference between us is that I don't bother socializing with everyone; I just have a handful of close friends who don't crowd my space. I don't go out of my way to impress people I don't even like just to feel like I belong to a group.

But when it comes to relationships? I couldn't agree more... 😳

this is me 😬

I honestly thrive in long-distance relationships... whether they're romantic or just solid friendships. I get exactly as much interaction as I can handle, provided I have enough notice to mentally prep—and the same goes for how much
I give.
everyone stays happy <-> satisfied
(A friend once told me: "You’d be the perfect pilot—they fly in, out, and always maintain a high-class standard!" To which I replied: "Well, long-haul captains aren't exactly easy to find either!" 🤣 )

I think I might just be wired a little differently than everyone else!
My absolute biggest struggle—and honestly, my worst habit—is that I tend to go way too far when it comes to giving my all, whether I'm talking about a friendship or a romantic relationship; I don't just give a little, I basically hand over my entire soul.
Everything feels absolutely wonderful and perfect for a while, but then you eventually hit this wall where you realize you’ve made a massive mistake... mostly because people just don't seem to value that kind of devotion...

The funny thing is, once those people actually mess up and realize they've blown it, they suddenly start feeling terrible (specifically looking at one friend and an ex of mine), and they’ll pull out every trick in the book to try and get things back to how they used to be.
But by that point, it's usually too late for me, because once someone lets me down like that, I tend to shut down and go cold, whether I want to or not...

Honestly, I think having some kind of pilot would be pretty alright too.😬
I recently realized that I only have maybe two real friends—people who don't suffocate me, but I can still reach out whenever I feel like talking. They’re perfectly fine with this dynamic because they actually know me; they get that I’m just someone who occasionally can't stand people. It’s all about that balanced, one-on-one give and take.
I really need to hammer it into my head that I won't be everyone's cup of tea, but man, that's a tough mission since I'm pretty narcissistic. Lately, I've started distancing myself from these "quasi-friends." The only thing that really gets under my skin is when they pry about whether I have a boyfriend. When I tell them I don't, they make these pathetic little faces. As if that's the most important thing in the universe! Like, what, am I supposed to drop out of college, marry the first guy who walks by, and knock out a few kids just so everyone else can be happy? Well, except for me, obviously. When will people finally grasp that we don't all fit into the same little mold? Some of us just choose a different path. Anyway, I'm glad there are people like us out there...😘

mellowbear72 said:Honestly, I think having some kind of pilot would be pretty alright too.😬
I recently realized that I only have maybe two real friends—people who don't suffocate me, but I can still reach out whenever I feel like talking. They’re perfectly fine with this dynamic because they actually know me; they get that I’m just someone who occasionally can't stand people. It’s all about that balanced, one-on-one give and take.
I really need to hammer it into my head that I won't be everyone's cup of tea, but man, that's a tough mission since I'm pretty narcissistic. Lately, I've started distancing myself from these "quasi-friends." The only thing that really gets under my skin is when they pry about whether I have a boyfriend. When I tell them I don't, they make these pathetic little faces. As if that's the most important thing in the universe! Like, what, am I supposed to drop out of college, marry the first guy who walks by, and knock out a few kids just so everyone else can be happy? Well, except for me, obviously. When will people finally grasp that we don't all fit into the same little mold? Some of us just choose a different path. Anyway, I'm glad there are people like us out there...😘

I wouldn't say I'm happy about us being a thing, and I'm certainly not proud to be "one of those people"... but it’s nice knowing staying single isn't viewed as weird or broken anymore. One of my grandmothers didn't even marry until she was 28, which made her a total outcast back then. Even though most men during that era (pre-WWII) could barely sign their own names and women were basically domestic servants, both my grandmothers actually finished high school—one even went to college. Nowadays, I deal with more envy from married colleagues at work who wish they had my freedom and control over their own lives, rather than dealing with my mom asking awkward questions like: So, when are you finally going to settle down? 🙄

mellowbear72 said:Honestly, I think having some kind of pilot would be pretty alright too.😬
I recently realized that I only have maybe two real friends—people who don't suffocate me, but I can still reach out whenever I feel like talking. They’re perfectly fine with this dynamic because they actually know me; they get that I’m just someone who occasionally can't stand people. It’s all about that balanced, one-on-one give and take.
I really need to hammer it into my head that I won't be everyone's cup of tea, but man, that's a tough mission since I'm pretty narcissistic. Lately, I've started distancing myself from these "quasi-friends." The only thing that really gets under my skin is when they pry about whether I have a boyfriend. When I tell them I don't, they make these pathetic little faces. As if that's the most important thing in the universe! Like, what, am I supposed to drop out of college, marry the first guy who walks by, and knock out a few kids just so everyone else can be happy? Well, except for me, obviously. When will people finally grasp that we don't all fit into the same little mold? Some of us just choose a different path. Anyway, I'm glad there are people like us out there...😘

I think it's just how people judge women who decide to build their own lives—getting a career, having their own apartment, being financially independent instead of relying on a man. I'm not judging anyone who wants one, two, or five kids, but it needs to be just as normal for reproduction not to be a woman's ultimate goal.
At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is feeling good and being honest with yourself. Whatever society thinks about it is their problem.😉
Besides, why is a successful, single woman in her 30s considered "weird," while a successful, single guy in his 30s (who probably still lives in his mom's basement) is perfectly fine?🤣

analogwolf2 said:this is me 😬

I honestly thrive in long-distance relationships... whether they're romantic or just solid friendships. I get exactly as much interaction as I can handle, provided I have enough notice to mentally prep—and the same goes for how much
I give.
everyone stays happy <-> satisfied
(A friend once told me: "You’d be the perfect pilot—they fly in, out, and always maintain a high-class standard!" To which I replied: "Well, long-haul captains aren't exactly easy to find either!" 🤣 )

My longest actual relationship—get this—was a grand total of three months, 🤣 and even that was long-distance. 😬
I have no clue how to break this cycle. I genuinely want a standard, functional relationship where you actually see your partner once or twice a week in person. 😢

So, what's the move? Does anyone have any real advice?

Paul Morales3 said:My longest actual relationship—get this—was a grand total of three months, 🤣 and even that was long-distance. 😬
I have no clue how to break this cycle. I genuinely want a standard, functional relationship where you actually see your partner once or twice a week in person. 😢

So, what's the move? Does anyone have any real advice?

First off, find someone who lives in the same city as you.🙂
That would be a great start.🙂

Making friends? Easy. Fitting in? No issue at all. But
relationships... that’s where things get messy. I didn't have a single relationship back in high school while everyone else was busy riding emotional rollercoasters. Then in college, I managed one two-month thing.
In between, there were plenty of casual flings that actually worked for me.
But lately, I've been dreaming about something serious—it's just that he's a sailor 🙂
and honestly, that works for me. The catch is when he's home, he wants us glued at the hip 24/7, which sends me straight into a panic...
maybe in a few years I'll be ready for that kind of intensity...
stay safe out there

brightmaker29 said:First off, find someone who lives in the same city as you.🙂
That would be a great start.🙂

Finding them is the easy part. 🙂The real headache is figuring out how to approach them without looking like a total creep.😬

Honestly, I wasn't even trying to make it work at first. I’d be looking for any excuse to bail within the first week...
Every time we hung out, I was either being a total jerk or just completely checked out.
You've gotta try explaining that you have a life and can't exactly see each other
every single day. Just give things some breathing room. I know it sounds too easy, but there's really no other way. You just gotta ride it out...
I'm pushing 25 and this is pretty much my first, you know, serious relationship...

Oh, believe me, I know that feeling all too well. It’s practically my default setting. I find myself hunting for any tiny flaw or inventing a million ridiculous reasons why we just won't work out—and sometimes, even when I actually like a guy, I just sit there acting completely indifferent, giving these hollow, polite answers just to get through the conversation. 🤣

Thanks for the advice. 😘
Actually, this is a brilliant idea: just play hard to get and make it crystal clear from the jump that we aren't going to be one of those "perfect" couples everyone else is obsessed with. As long as that's understood, let's see where it goes.

mellowbear72 said:I’ve always struggled to really fit in with social circles. I try to be friendly with everyone, but I never seem to forge those deep, lasting friendships. Because of that, I’ve spent my whole life trying way too hard—trying to be nice to everyone, trying to make them like me, and basically playing people along just to eventually win them over as friends. I know now that it doesn't work that way, so lately, I’ve started adopting this almost ruthless, cynical, and "toxic" attitude instead...
Everything I’ve ever experienced in terms of affection has just been shallow flirting. Honestly, the thought of getting into a real relationship or having to "answer" to someone scares the hell out of me. It gets to the point where I feel like telling guys the second I get to know them that I'm only interested in sex, not love. I just can't wrap my head around being permanently tied to another person, whether it's a friend or a boyfriend. I have this nagging feeling that doing that would just end up suffocating me as an individual. I absolutely loathe the idea of "depending" on anyone, which is why I actually feel most comfortable right now while I'm alone. But at the same time, I can't ignore that basic human need for security and protection—I miss having someone to lean on!
How do I help myself?

Same here.
Exactly like you.
Never had a serious relationship.
The fear is real.
I don't know how I'll manage... and these questions aren't even stupid.
It's the same with friends; I'm friendly with everyone, but close to no one.

I feel the exact same way,
I’m honestly terrified of getting tied down to anything😱
I just can't wrap my head around why it is this way😕
There are nights where I lie wide awake because the anxiety just takes over...🙄
But I guess I'm just too weak-willed to change the very thing that causes me so much pain😢

Ugh... I know that feeling all too well. I used to lie awake at night just tossing and turning, but honestly? Eventually, you just learn how to be okay being alone.
It would be nice to have someone in my life who actually looks out for me and truly cares—someone who understands that I still need my own space and doesn't expect us to be glued at the hip every single day. But let's be real: that’s a tall order. Most people, once they fall in love, become incredibly clingy and start hovering over you constantly... it's exhausting. It's basically an impossible mission.

"Quincy"

Paul Morales3 said:Finding them is the easy part. 🙂The real headache is figuring out how to approach them without looking like a total creep.😬

Honestly, I really don't know.
Ask yourself: do you actually want a relationship? And if so, why? If not, what's the reason?
Maybe you just haven't come across the right kind of person yet—someone who actually fits what you're looking for.
Stop worrying about everyone else and quit comparing yourself to them. Like, everyone seems to have a boyfriend or something...
Everyone's happy.
I'm actually super friendly with all the guys I'm not interested in, but the second someone catches my eye? I immediately shut them down or just totally ignore them.😠
I've actually realized that I don't want a relationship right now. I still have so many life goals I haven't checked off yet, and I honestly feel like being with someone would just hold me back. I'm worried all my dreams would just end up falling through.
I’ve come to realize that I’m actually afraid of myself. Is it just that I don't know how to function properly in a relationship? Maybe I just don't want the commitment or the feeling that I have to answer to someone else.
Look, I’ll admit it—now you have to figure out for yourself what it is you're actually afraid of.🙂

brightmaker29 said:"Quincy"

Honestly, I really don't know.
Ask yourself: do you actually want a relationship? And if so, why? If not, what's the reason?
Maybe you just haven't come across the right kind of person yet—someone who actually fits what you're looking for.
Stop worrying about everyone else and quit comparing yourself to them. Like, everyone seems to have a boyfriend or something...
Everyone's happy.
I'm actually super friendly with all the guys I'm not interested in, but the second someone catches my eye? I immediately shut them down or just totally ignore them.😠
I've actually realized that I don't want a relationship right now. I still have so many life goals I haven't checked off yet, and I honestly feel like being with someone would just hold me back. I'm worried all my dreams would just end up falling through.
I’ve come to realize that I’m actually afraid of myself. Is it just that I don't know how to function properly in a relationship? Maybe I just don't want the commitment or the feeling that I have to answer to someone else.
Look, I’ll admit it—now you have to figure out for yourself what it is you're actually afraid of.🙂

SENDING THIS TO YOU FOR COURAGE. 🙏 🙏 👍 👍 👍

I think my issue is that I loathe change. I've carved out this little routine within the chaos of my current life, and I'm terrified of anything disrupting my comfort zone, even if it's something good. It feels pathetic, but I'm scared of happiness too, because I have no idea who I'd become if things actually went well.😢

Other people have never been my benchmark; I don't care if they're in relationships while I'm flying solo.
Just like you, I have no desire for obligations or feeling like I owe someone an explanation for my actions. That kind of restriction would be suffocating. As for finding high-quality partners, I haven't met anyone worth giving a chance to—someone capable of accepting me exactly as I am.