How do I forgive myself?

Hey everyone... so, here’s the deal. I had a great childhood. Seriously. Good friends, a solid family, and I was just one of those naturally upbeat, optimistic kids who actually liked life. I liked myself, I liked the people around me... I loved how the morning sunlight would hit my room and wake me up 🙂, man, I just loved being alive. Even elementary school was a breeze; I made good friends and everything was, in a word, perfect. But then high school happened. I ended up in a class with this one guy I’d hated since forever because he lived to insult people, and honestly, he was the only person in this entire city I was actually afraid of. And of course, life decided to screw me over by putting me in his class for four straight years. The bullying started basically on day one, and I just couldn't handle it. I wasn't the type to ever insult anyone, and nobody had ever picked on me before—I was pretty sensitive, if I'm being real. By freshman year, I fell into a massive depression. I’d skip school for two weeks at a time because I physically couldn't bring myself to go. I still remember my mom crying because she felt totally helpless 😢 and that kind of thing just eats you alive from the inside. I wanted to drop out, and yeah, I even thought about suicide, but I believe in God, so I knew I could never actually do that. I remember walking toward school, having maybe fifteen minutes left before the bell, and halfway there, I just wanted to vanish. I wanted to run away because everything felt so heavy. So, I just retreated into myself. I lost my good friends, and my life became this miserable loop of school-home, home-crying. I shut myself in my room and grew to hate the sound of my phone alarm because it meant I had to face the world again. That went on for four years. Now? I’m a completely different person. I can see it in my family's eyes—especially my dad's. He looks at me like I'm some weakling or a coward, and it kills me. They're disappointed, and I get it. I rarely go anywhere anymore because this fear has basically become part of my DNA. There isn't a single moment where I feel happy anymore. I don't pray much, and I don't go to church; I want to, but I just can't. I prayed every single day during those four years, and look what it got me. I'm angry. My self-esteem is trashed, and I feel useless. These bitter memories play on a loop in my head every day, and I can't shake them. I can't forgive myself for not being "brave" enough or for letting that guy walk all over me. I'm heading to college now, but I have zero motivation to study. I'm sad, I'm tense whenever I'm out in public, and I just can't do this anymore. I used to be so free and confident, and now I'm just... pathetic. 😢 I've been thinking about moving away, maybe somewhere far off, just to try and forget. This city reminds me of everything too much, and I'm terrified of bumping into someone from high school and feeling that shame all over again. I ask myself every single day: WHY? How did that happy kid turn into this depressed person with zero drive, someone who can't see any beauty left in the world, someone living entirely in the past, trapped in pain and anxiety? Every day is the same. For the last five or six years, I've spent about 80 percent of my time stuck inside my house. It's pathetic. I want to go for a run, play some pickup basketball, go to the movies... but I can't move because this fear holds me back. I'm scared that one day, I'll just give up entirely. 😢. Sorry for the massive wall of text. Thanks for listening.

I honestly feel like you're blowing this way out of proportion. What exactly do you have to apologize for? You were going through that incredibly volatile and difficult stage of life called puberty, all while dealing with being bullied. Back then, your personality wasn't even fully formed yet; you didn't have the tools to handle it any better than most people would have. You didn't do anything unforgivable. You can always mend fences with friends later, but right now, it would be much more productive to focus on building yourself up and tackling those underlying issues. It’s completely understandable that you were angry at someone who was tearing you down—don't beat yourself up over it. The important thing is finding a way to let that anger go. Trust me, in a few years, this whole situation is going to feel like a tiny speck in your rearview mirror.

Just so you know, if I had a choice, I’d trade places with you in a heartbeat. Given what you've been through, just imagine if the person insulting you was actually a parent or someone close to you. If you take a look at some of the stories shared on this forum, you'll see that plenty of people have faced much darker struggles. Honestly, you should count yourself lucky that you actually had a decent childhood compared to so many others out there.
Try reaching out to someone you trust to talk about what's eating at you; getting it off your chest is the first step toward healing. Opening up here and sharing your story was definitely a good move too.

Thanks for the reply. I’ve been scrolling through a lot of threads on this sub lately, and man, some of them are heavy. Real heavy. Reading about people dealing with massive, life-altering struggles makes me realize my own situation might not be the end of the world, but it’s still eating me alive. It’s this constant, nagging guilt that keeps me stuck in place. I’ll admit, I tend to overthink things—I blow them way out of proportion—but I just can't seem to make any actual progress. It kills me to look at who I used to be compared to who I am now. If this is just how my life is going to be forever, I don't know if I can handle it. I'm rarely happy these days because I've completely retreated into my own head, and this fear has just... settled in. My family knows what's going on, but nobody else does. To everyone else, I put on this mask and act like everything is perfectly fine... but I'm fragile. I break way too easily. Every time someone says something even slightly negative, I immediately take it personally; I think it's a leftover reflex from high school😢.. I don't go out on weekends, I barely leave the house unless it's for classes at the university, and I don't really have any hobbies anymore. It's all because of this fear that I can't even put into words

If this keeps up, you might want to consider sitting down with a therapist. It could be anything from an anxiety disorder to clinical depression... Regardless of what it actually is, don't let it weigh you down too much; these are things you can definitely work through. Have you thought about trying to shake things up a bit, maybe by heading out somewhere with some friends or something similar? What exactly is weighing on your mind?

And honestly, that whole cliché about how you're stuck being the same person you were in high school? It’s been eating at me. If there's any truth to that, then I'm seriously 😢... Look, I’ve never gone out of my way to insult anyone—not even that one guy I can't stand. I don't wish bad luck on anyone. Deep down, I’m a believer, but I just can't seem to find my way back to church. It's hard when this constant, gnawing anger just won't let up. To make matters worse, I spent four years in a classroom environment that was basically a pressure cooker, and now I can't help but feel like the whole world operates that way. It makes me want to close myself off from everyone. I'm just disappointed in people, plain and simple. I've become "cold" toward others, and let's be real, that isn't the true ME.

Jason Booth25 said:If this keeps up, you might want to consider sitting down with a therapist. It could be anything from an anxiety disorder to clinical depression... Regardless of what it actually is, don't let it weigh you down too much; these are things you can definitely work through. Have you thought about trying to shake things up a bit, maybe by heading out somewhere with some friends or something similar? What exactly is weighing on your mind?

And honestly, I don't really have friends. I get along with everyone fine, but I haven't actually stepped foot in the city in six years. I lost touch with everybody. I still have some buddies from college, but that's it—nothing since graduation. Plus, after six years of doing the exact same thing every single day, you just get used to being alone. That's where I am. Sometimes it hits hard because I have nobody to turn to, but even if I did, I wouldn't be able to handle being out and about all the time anyway. It’s hard to put this fear into words. It’s like I’m terrified of running into someone from my high school days. I'm scared people will see what I've been through, or see who I really am behind the curtain. I'm scared of the judgment. I carried all that baggage from high school straight into adulthood. I'm incredibly hard on myself; if I trip up even slightly, I immediately spiral into thinking I'm a total loser and wondering what everyone else thinks of me. I can never just relax. I'm always tense, and then my head and legs start aching from the sheer stress of it all, I guess...

briskcobra12 said:And honestly, that whole cliché about how you're stuck being the same person you were in high school? It’s been eating at me. If there's any truth to that, then I'm seriously 😢... Look, I’ve never gone out of my way to insult anyone—not even that one guy I can't stand. I don't wish bad luck on anyone. Deep down, I’m a believer, but I just can't seem to find my way back to church. It's hard when this constant, gnawing anger just won't let up. To make matters worse, I spent four years in a classroom environment that was basically a pressure cooker, and now I can't help but feel like the whole world operates that way. It makes me want to close myself off from everyone. I'm just disappointed in people, plain and simple. I've become "cold" toward others, and let's be real, that isn't the true ME.

Where on earth did you hear that nonsense? 😕 🤣 Go run a poll with people over twenty and you'll see firsthand that it's absolutely not how the world works. 😉

briskcobra12 said:And honestly, that whole cliché about how you're stuck being the same person you were in high school? It’s been eating at me. If there's any truth to that, then I'm seriously 😢... Look, I’ve never gone out of my way to insult anyone—not even that one guy I can't stand. I don't wish bad luck on anyone. Deep down, I’m a believer, but I just can't seem to find my way back to church. It's hard when this constant, gnawing anger just won't let up. To make matters worse, I spent four years in a classroom environment that was basically a pressure cooker, and now I can't help but feel like the whole world operates that way. It makes me want to close myself off from everyone. I'm just disappointed in people, plain and simple. I've become "cold" toward others, and let's be real, that isn't the true ME.

Whoever came up with that cliché deserves to be taken out. When I went to my 10-year reunion a few years ago, almost nobody was "the same," not even on the surface. That whole idea is nonsense. Just relax. Try going out with some people from your college or pick up a hobby where you'll be surrounded by a new crowd. Personally, I’d suggest martial arts to build up some confidence, or maybe even dance classes (you'll meet tons of women, and you'll be one of the few guys there). Cheer up, man—life is beautiful when you've got enough cash for a Budweiser.👍

Lisa Smith7 said:Where on earth did you hear that nonsense? 😕 🤣 Go run a poll with people over twenty and you'll see firsthand that it's absolutely not how the world works. 😉

So, I was talking to some actual professors the other day—real academics, mind you—and they were out here preaching that high school is where you basically bake your character in stone. They were insisting that who you are during those four years is exactly who you’ll be for the rest of your life. Honestly? That hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s such a heavy, almost fatalistic thing to say, right? Like, once you hit eighteen, you're just stuck with whatever version of yourself showed up to homeroom. It’s a pretty grim way to look at growing up.😢

Olivia White65 said:Whoever came up with that cliché deserves to be taken out. When I went to my 10-year reunion a few years ago, almost nobody was "the same," not even on the surface. That whole idea is nonsense. Just relax. Try going out with some people from your college or pick up a hobby where you'll be surrounded by a new crowd. Personally, I’d suggest martial arts to build up some confidence, or maybe even dance classes (you'll meet tons of women, and you'll be one of the few guys there). Cheer up, man—life is beautiful when you've got enough cash for a Budweiser.👍

I already did the martial arts thing, and yeah, I really had that confidence back then. But now? I don't know. I can't bring myself to sign up again because of this feeling inside me. I'm telling you, I'm just too stiff. I don't know how to value myself; I always put everyone else ahead of me, worrying about what they'll think or if they'll laugh. I'm terrified of taking that next step. To be honest, I hate being around people because of how high school was. I spent four years stuck like that, and starting over now isn't easy. I don't know... maybe once I start living in a new environment, things will get easier. Or maybe not. Maybe I'll just end up being the same person all over again...
😢

I get the feeling you're just spinning your wheels here. It's like you're stuck reliving the same old stuff over and over again. Honestly, I think it might be time to just... stop. How old are you anyway?

briskskipper71 said:I get the feeling you're just spinning your wheels here. It's like you're stuck reliving the same old stuff over and over again. Honestly, I think it might be time to just... stop. How old are you anyway?

I don't know, how am I supposed to...😢 Look, I'm 19...

briskcobra12 said:So, I was talking to some actual professors the other day—real academics, mind you—and they were out here preaching that high school is where you basically bake your character in stone. They were insisting that who you are during those four years is exactly who you’ll be for the rest of your life. Honestly? That hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s such a heavy, almost fatalistic thing to say, right? Like, once you hit eighteen, you're just stuck with whatever version of yourself showed up to homeroom. It’s a pretty grim way to look at growing up.😢

That individual is likely just deeply insecure. They haven't made a single step of progress since their high school days. It’s frankly pathetic that people like that are allowed to teach children in our public schools. I've encountered far too many stunted, small-minded professors who seem to think the only way to soothe their own massive egos is by picking on their students.
Nineteen years old. It’s an age where you think you’ve finally arrived, yet you haven't even left the driveway. At nineteen, you can still fundamentally reshape who you are. I remember being that age, sitting in a dusty diner in Chicago, convinced the world owed me everything while having absolutely nothing to offer it. I was certain my temperament was set in stone. It wasn't. You have enough plasticity left in your soul to tear down the old structures and build something entirely different. Don't let anyone tell you your nature is fixed. It isn't. Not yet. 😉
I know I’m going to be there for you now. 🙂 Let’s be honest—at this stage of life, most of us are still just kids deep down. Especially those college freshmen wandering around campus like they actually know what they're doing. We're all just playing dress-up in adult clothes, pretending we have a clue. 😉

I totally agree that even at this age, we’re basically just kids running around in adult suits. For me, the absolute worst part is being stuck right in the middle—you aren't a kid anymore, but you haven't exactly "arrived" as an adult either. You just end up feeling completely lost in the void. So, you really think all this uncertainty just fades away eventually...

Lisa Smith7 said:Where on earth did you hear that nonsense? 😕 🤣 Go run a poll with people over twenty and you'll see firsthand that it's absolutely not how the world works. 😉

God, man—honestly, I’m a completely different person than I was back in high school. Especially on the inside. 😁
The real changes started kicking in halfway through college.

Go find yourself a boyfriend 🙂

quietpilot87 said:God, man—honestly, I’m a completely different person than I was back in high school. Especially on the inside. 😁
The real changes started kicking in halfway through college.

I really hope you're right...

Brenda Cooper3 said:Go find yourself a boyfriend 🙂

You mean a girlfriend🙄. I had one, but we just broke up recently, so yeah, I'm flying solo for now.

19 years old... I honestly thought you were older... that's good though.
Look, I think you really need to sit down and just process everything that happened. Honestly, take a week if you have to. Just write it all out—analyze every single situation that still makes you feel humiliated today. Look at your own reactions, too. If you messed up, figure out how you’d handle it differently now. Once you’ve done that, draw a line in the sand. Tell yourself, "That happened, and it is forever behind me." PERIOD. No more chewing on it, no going back to the old ways.
Just look forward. Where are you now? Who are you becoming? What are your goals—long-term, short-term... whatever. Live for tomorrow instead of wallowing in the pain other people caused you. And yeah, I say "wallowing" intentionally because, let's be real, there's a little masochist inside all of us that kind of enjoys punishing ourselves over stuff from the past. I'm thirty, and while I don't exactly have a catalog of amazing memories from middle school or high school, at this point, those years, those teachers, those kids... they don't matter at all. It feels like it was a different lifetime. About that silly cliché you mentioned... a few years back, I ran into an old classmate from high school. She got married right after graduation, she's 27 now, a stay-at-home mom with two kids. Meanwhile, I finished college, did my internship, started grad school, worked, traveled, hung out with friends, learned things... blah blah blah. Then I run into her at a doctor's office—she lights up and goes, "Oh my gosh, remember when we were in high school? Those were the days!"
If high school is the absolute ceiling for someone, they might as well give up right now. And I don't mean educationally, I mean personal growth. Real development doesn't stop at 18 or 19; that's actually when it truly begins. So, please, stop wasting time on nonsense. Focus on real things—stuff that actually makes you happy and things you're actually good at. Start with college, pass your exams...
When I was your age, I was convinced I was the only miserable, unlucky person on earth while everyone else was perfectly happy, successful, and smart. There was this one "perfect couple" I kept seeing, and I used to be so jealous of them because, to a naive kid like me, they looked genuinely happy. Luckily, a friend eventually introduced me to his sister—someone I'd heard nothing but terrible things about for years. Apparently, both she and her husband were heavy drinkers and fought constantly; basically a social worker's worst nightmare. I was in total shock—that "perfect couple" I envied was actually my friend's literal nightmare. And I had actually been jealous of them. 😂

Thanks, @briskskipper71. I’m actually going to give this a shot, mostly because I’m honestly sick of my own bullshit. I don't want to spend the rest of my life stuck in some loop of wondering why everything went sideways in the first place. So, yeah, I'll try. I'm going to lean into my studies, start hitting the pavement for some runs, and just hope that eventually, things shift—that I can find my way back to being that old version of myself who actually felt happy and optimistic. To be fair, right now? I’m not holding my breath. It feels like this heavy weight is just going to stick to me forever. Honestly, I’m just fed up with myself. Part of me just wants to pack a bag and disappear somewhere far away from everything.

briskcobra12 said:I really hope you're right...

You mean a girlfriend🙄. I had one, but we just broke up recently, so yeah, I'm flying solo for now.

Why don't you try facing your fear head-on?
It’s the simplest solution, yet easily the most difficult. Ultimately, the choice is yours. 🤷