#1 ·
Confession
I want to share my experience with you all.
Maybe this isn't quite the right spot—I might have missed the specific thread—but we were already talking, so...
Please, read this. It’s a lesson in what a person can do to their own psyche. I hope it serves as a warning for some; let others learn from my mistakes.
The trouble began in January 2020.
It started as a minor sinus drainage. Just an occasional throbbing, nothing major. I hate swallowing mucus if I can help it, because when it drains down the back of your throat, you can sort of preemptively force it out through your mouth using negative pressure. So, I decided to do just that. I grabbed a tissue, and accidentally, I saw the contents. Oh my god.
YELLOW secretion mixed with GRAY and BLACK rubbery chunks!!!!!!!!
Total shock. I stared at it, completely lost. That gray stuff looked like wet cement. The black bits? Almost like charcoal. They had this weird, rubbery texture—bits and strips all tangled up in the standard sinus mucus.
I asked my partner. Nothing. I asked five or six close friends. They were stunned. No clue. They didn't even want to talk about it. (Mind you, I showed them a photo since I actually took one)
Now, look, I know I'm a hypochondriac. I tried not to be dramatic. I figured maybe I just inhaled some lint from the blanket while sleeping. I checked the blanket; I did see a few gray fibers, but the texture didn't match at all. I kept trying to convince myself there was no cause for alarm.
Then, over the next few days, the same discharge appeared at least five times a day. What now? It’s not like I’m inhaling pounds of dust.
So, I do the worst thing possible: I go to Google. I search "gray black mucus."
And the result is always the same: fungal sinus infection.🙏
I call my primary care doctor. I describe the symptoms, I tell her the color of the mucus, and she agrees—that's the classic sign of a fungal infection.
I get blood work done, a CBC, a CRP—everything comes back perfectly normal.
Then I get swabs for bacteria and yeast in my throat and nose and wait three to four days for the results.
THE HYPOCHONDRIAC PHASE
In the meantime, while waiting for those results, I am deep-diving into the disease I am *certain* I have, simply because that's the only thing the internet says is possible. Apparently, immunocompromised patients are the ones who usually get fungal sinus infections—like people with diabetes (sure, why not?), HIV, or AIDS!!!!! You can actually die from an acute fungal infection.
I start hyperventilating. I know my blood work is fine, but how can I have black mucus and a fungal infection if everything else looks okay? It makes no sense. I haven't been promiscuous, I don't have tattoos... I started having panic attacks. Then came the restless legs—what I started calling "buzzing" in my feet.
I Google "buzzing in feet"—it pops up as a symptom of HIV. (That buzzing, which I now call "vibrations," was likely something I developed from the sheer shock of it all.)
I am dying inside. I can't sleep. I start taking Xanax, then eventually Valium.
In my head, I have HIV, and that’s why I have this fungal infection. I’m waiting for the swab results, but I’m reading on Google that oral thrush is most common in people with HIV. It’s over. I’m finished. I find myself staring at my loved ones' tongues. People look at me like I'm crazy when I ask them to show me their tongues. In my mind, I'm comparing their tongues to mine, looking for extra coating that signifies fungus. Is it possible? In my head, it definitely is.
Finally, the results come back for the throat and nose swabs: bacteria is negative, and the yeast did not grow!!!!!!
But I'm still in shock. What is happening to me??? I call the doctor, and she sends me to an ENT—who *also* mentions fungus...!!! The obsession returns. I feel like I'm dying again. I show the ENT the photo of the mucus, and he doesn't even doubt it. He's certain it's fungus. He sends me for an MRI to see the actual structure of it, because he can't see it clearly during a standard examination via rhinoscopy.
I finally decided to get tested for HIV because I couldn't live like this anymore. Honestly, I wanted to crawl into a hole from the embarrassment at the clinic where they tested me. While I waited for the results to be emailed to me—since I was rushing from the MRI appointment straight to the testing center—the email arrived. I had convinced myself I had it, even though my blood work has been perfect from day one and I haven't engaged in any risky behavior that would expose me to the virus. The result was, of course, HIV NEGATIVE. But I'm still reeling. I still can't quite believe it.
So, I finally got my MRI results back. Three different doctors all said the exact same thing: everything looks perfectly normal. There’s nothing wrong.
And yet, I’m still sitting here blowing black and gray mucus out of my nose.
Honestly, the stress is wrecking me. I can’t even function anymore. I’m dealing with at least ten different symptoms—panic attacks, tremors, diarrhea, a low-grade fever... if I hadn't taken some Xanax, I don't know where I'd be right now. Then it hit me: wait, if nothing is physically wrong, why am I seeing this black stuff? Is it possible it's actually coming from my makeup???
It sounds ridiculous, right? I mentioned it to my partner, and he's convinced that's the culprit.
So, I decided to run a little experiment. I went out and bought blue makeup: mascara, eyeliner, the whole nine yards (which was a total waste of money, by the way, because I look like a damn parrot wearing it) and waited until the next day to see if anything would come out.
The result? Yellow discharge mixed with tiny bits of blue—exactly the same texture as the stuff I was getting when I used black makeup. I didn't know whether to laugh and be relieved or ask someone to slap me for being such an idiot and putting myself through this...
I have absolutely terrified my body with this whole ordeal. I haven't even recovered from the shock; I’m still shaking inside, feeling these weird sensations and vibrations in my legs. I truly hope nobody else ever has to go through this.
If you know a woman (or a man who wears makeup😛) who starts noticing strange discharge, please, let them know there's this bizarre possibility that makeup can travel from the tear duct straight into the sinuses.
From the very beginning, I was stuck in a dark headspace. My mind could only jump to the absolute worst-case scenarios, which is exactly why I felt forced to conduct this DIY test.
I’m worried this whole mess might have messed up my blood work. I'm currently waiting on tests for autoimmune diseases, and I'm just praying it's nothing serious. This time, I'm trying not to spiral.
Anyway, there it is. That's my story, my confession.
I want to share my experience with you all.
Maybe this isn't quite the right spot—I might have missed the specific thread—but we were already talking, so...
Please, read this. It’s a lesson in what a person can do to their own psyche. I hope it serves as a warning for some; let others learn from my mistakes.
The trouble began in January 2020.
It started as a minor sinus drainage. Just an occasional throbbing, nothing major. I hate swallowing mucus if I can help it, because when it drains down the back of your throat, you can sort of preemptively force it out through your mouth using negative pressure. So, I decided to do just that. I grabbed a tissue, and accidentally, I saw the contents. Oh my god.
YELLOW secretion mixed with GRAY and BLACK rubbery chunks!!!!!!!!
Total shock. I stared at it, completely lost. That gray stuff looked like wet cement. The black bits? Almost like charcoal. They had this weird, rubbery texture—bits and strips all tangled up in the standard sinus mucus.
I asked my partner. Nothing. I asked five or six close friends. They were stunned. No clue. They didn't even want to talk about it. (Mind you, I showed them a photo since I actually took one)
Now, look, I know I'm a hypochondriac. I tried not to be dramatic. I figured maybe I just inhaled some lint from the blanket while sleeping. I checked the blanket; I did see a few gray fibers, but the texture didn't match at all. I kept trying to convince myself there was no cause for alarm.
Then, over the next few days, the same discharge appeared at least five times a day. What now? It’s not like I’m inhaling pounds of dust.
So, I do the worst thing possible: I go to Google. I search "gray black mucus."
And the result is always the same: fungal sinus infection.🙏
I call my primary care doctor. I describe the symptoms, I tell her the color of the mucus, and she agrees—that's the classic sign of a fungal infection.
I get blood work done, a CBC, a CRP—everything comes back perfectly normal.
Then I get swabs for bacteria and yeast in my throat and nose and wait three to four days for the results.
THE HYPOCHONDRIAC PHASE
In the meantime, while waiting for those results, I am deep-diving into the disease I am *certain* I have, simply because that's the only thing the internet says is possible. Apparently, immunocompromised patients are the ones who usually get fungal sinus infections—like people with diabetes (sure, why not?), HIV, or AIDS!!!!! You can actually die from an acute fungal infection.
I start hyperventilating. I know my blood work is fine, but how can I have black mucus and a fungal infection if everything else looks okay? It makes no sense. I haven't been promiscuous, I don't have tattoos... I started having panic attacks. Then came the restless legs—what I started calling "buzzing" in my feet.
I Google "buzzing in feet"—it pops up as a symptom of HIV. (That buzzing, which I now call "vibrations," was likely something I developed from the sheer shock of it all.)
I am dying inside. I can't sleep. I start taking Xanax, then eventually Valium.
In my head, I have HIV, and that’s why I have this fungal infection. I’m waiting for the swab results, but I’m reading on Google that oral thrush is most common in people with HIV. It’s over. I’m finished. I find myself staring at my loved ones' tongues. People look at me like I'm crazy when I ask them to show me their tongues. In my mind, I'm comparing their tongues to mine, looking for extra coating that signifies fungus. Is it possible? In my head, it definitely is.
Finally, the results come back for the throat and nose swabs: bacteria is negative, and the yeast did not grow!!!!!!
But I'm still in shock. What is happening to me??? I call the doctor, and she sends me to an ENT—who *also* mentions fungus...!!! The obsession returns. I feel like I'm dying again. I show the ENT the photo of the mucus, and he doesn't even doubt it. He's certain it's fungus. He sends me for an MRI to see the actual structure of it, because he can't see it clearly during a standard examination via rhinoscopy.
I finally decided to get tested for HIV because I couldn't live like this anymore. Honestly, I wanted to crawl into a hole from the embarrassment at the clinic where they tested me. While I waited for the results to be emailed to me—since I was rushing from the MRI appointment straight to the testing center—the email arrived. I had convinced myself I had it, even though my blood work has been perfect from day one and I haven't engaged in any risky behavior that would expose me to the virus. The result was, of course, HIV NEGATIVE. But I'm still reeling. I still can't quite believe it.
So, I finally got my MRI results back. Three different doctors all said the exact same thing: everything looks perfectly normal. There’s nothing wrong.
And yet, I’m still sitting here blowing black and gray mucus out of my nose.
Honestly, the stress is wrecking me. I can’t even function anymore. I’m dealing with at least ten different symptoms—panic attacks, tremors, diarrhea, a low-grade fever... if I hadn't taken some Xanax, I don't know where I'd be right now. Then it hit me: wait, if nothing is physically wrong, why am I seeing this black stuff? Is it possible it's actually coming from my makeup???
It sounds ridiculous, right? I mentioned it to my partner, and he's convinced that's the culprit.
So, I decided to run a little experiment. I went out and bought blue makeup: mascara, eyeliner, the whole nine yards (which was a total waste of money, by the way, because I look like a damn parrot wearing it) and waited until the next day to see if anything would come out.
The result? Yellow discharge mixed with tiny bits of blue—exactly the same texture as the stuff I was getting when I used black makeup. I didn't know whether to laugh and be relieved or ask someone to slap me for being such an idiot and putting myself through this...
I have absolutely terrified my body with this whole ordeal. I haven't even recovered from the shock; I’m still shaking inside, feeling these weird sensations and vibrations in my legs. I truly hope nobody else ever has to go through this.
If you know a woman (or a man who wears makeup😛) who starts noticing strange discharge, please, let them know there's this bizarre possibility that makeup can travel from the tear duct straight into the sinuses.
From the very beginning, I was stuck in a dark headspace. My mind could only jump to the absolute worst-case scenarios, which is exactly why I felt forced to conduct this DIY test.
I’m worried this whole mess might have messed up my blood work. I'm currently waiting on tests for autoimmune diseases, and I'm just praying it's nothing serious. This time, I'm trying not to spiral.
Anyway, there it is. That's my story, my confession.