Self-destruction

I’ve been wanting to write this for a while, but I couldn't settle on a title that actually captured everything weighing me down.

In the end, I realized it all boils down to good old-fashioned "self-destruction."

The reason I'm finally putting pen to paper is because I’m feeling a void right now. It sounds trivial, but I miss "Mom." Not my mother—the woman who gave birth to me—but *Mom*. That childhood feeling where you felt safe, where her mere presence made every worry vanish, and where one look from her could make your whole world feel right.

Is this just nostalgia for a time that passed?
Or is it part of that "I don't want to grow up" phase?

Since I have a natural tendency toward self-destruction and playing the victim—patterns I picked up directly from my mother—it turns out I’m currently missing the very person who made me this unstable and dissatisfied.

I’m stuck in a depressive loop, grieving things that aren't even there anymore.
I’m angry at her—at her actions, our relationship, and my own reactions to her.
She’s manipulative and a master of emotional blackmail. She’s the type of person who acts like a vampire, slowly draining your blood, your emotions, and your energy, all while acting like she’s some kind of deity. Like she’s the only one meant to exist, and her needs are the only ones that matter.

Of course, it’s all incredibly deep and complicated.

I know we already have threads about toxic parents and their kids, but I want to talk about how we *feel*. I don't just want us to nod along and agree that "parents are the problem."

I cut contact with my mother a long time ago. As far as I'm concerned, she doesn't exist anymore. There is zero communication between us.
And yet, I’m killing myself with these nostalgic feelings.
I haven't processed these emotions, so I keep digging deep into the past, searching and searching, only to end up feeling pathetic. I always end up destroying myself. It’s almost like I’m seeking out that self-annihilation.

It’s obvious that this self-destructive streak is wired deep into me, and it's wired wrong. When I start digging through the wreckage, instead of feeling bad, my adrenaline spikes and I somehow feel better. I actually find a weird sort of enjoyment in my own suffering.
It’s sick, really.

Then there's this closed loop that's so hard to break. I destroy myself, and I enjoy it at the same time.

Luckily, I’m not a masochist; I don't go as far as physical self-harm. My head is just a mess.

Masochism isn't just about physical stuff—though honestly, that's beside the point right now...

Maybe try Googling "inner child" or something.
It sounds like yours is acting up, and you really need to learn how to look after her—since, well, you're the only one who can.

Look, you're allowed to feel nostalgic. It doesn't make your decision to move out from your mom back then any less right, nor does it invalidate whatever you decide to do next.

Humans are inherently self-destructive creatures. It isn’t just you; this tendency is actually baked into the very progress of our civilization.
What we can actually control is how we manage that destructive streak. It would be nothing more than an illusion—a total utopia—to expect it to just vanish.

Someone already pointed out to you earlier that masochism isn't strictly limited to physical pain.

Have you dealt with specific struggles in the past that pushed you toward a depressive state? I suspect that perhaps some of your current, day-to-day issues are what's driving this intense longing for your mother's presence and protection?
Or maybe not. Maybe that craving stems from the core of the issue itself, independent of any daily stressors. But from what I've gathered so far, you haven't felt this need for closeness before, largely because you're fully aware of how much your mother's influence actually tears you down.

mistydrifter55 said:I’ve been wanting to write this for a while, but I couldn't settle on a title that actually captured everything weighing me down.

In the end, I realized it all boils down to good old-fashioned "self-destruction."

The reason I'm finally putting pen to paper is because I’m feeling a void right now. It sounds trivial, but I miss "Mom." Not my mother—the woman who gave birth to me—but *Mom*. That childhood feeling where you felt safe, where her mere presence made every worry vanish, and where one look from her could make your whole world feel right.

Is this just nostalgia for a time that passed?
Or is it part of that "I don't want to grow up" phase?

Since I have a natural tendency toward self-destruction and playing the victim—patterns I picked up directly from my mother—it turns out I’m currently missing the very person who made me this unstable and dissatisfied.

I’m stuck in a depressive loop, grieving things that aren't even there anymore.
I’m angry at her—at her actions, our relationship, and my own reactions to her.
She’s manipulative and a master of emotional blackmail. She’s the type of person who acts like a vampire, slowly draining your blood, your emotions, and your energy, all while acting like she’s some kind of deity. Like she’s the only one meant to exist, and her needs are the only ones that matter.

Of course, it’s all incredibly deep and complicated.

I know we already have threads about toxic parents and their kids, but I want to talk about how we *feel*. I don't just want us to nod along and agree that "parents are the problem."

I cut contact with my mother a long time ago. As far as I'm concerned, she doesn't exist anymore. There is zero communication between us.
And yet, I’m killing myself with these nostalgic feelings.
I haven't processed these emotions, so I keep digging deep into the past, searching and searching, only to end up feeling pathetic. I always end up destroying myself. It’s almost like I’m seeking out that self-annihilation.

It’s obvious that this self-destructive streak is wired deep into me, and it's wired wrong. When I start digging through the wreckage, instead of feeling bad, my adrenaline spikes and I somehow feel better. I actually find a weird sort of enjoyment in my own suffering.
It’s sick, really.

Then there's this closed loop that's so hard to break. I destroy myself, and I enjoy it at the same time.

Luckily, I’m not a masochist; I don't go as far as physical self-harm. My head is just a mess.

It sounds like you never really got the chance to let out all that anger and frustration toward your mom—or just life in general—so instead, you just bottle it all up inside. When you do that, those feelings start leaking out through self-punishment or this weird, masochistic streak... it's like you're looking for pain. A lot of times, that’s just a pattern you picked up growing up—maybe you had a manipulative mother who used affection as a weapon or punished you by withholding love. You basically learned the hard way that suffering is some kind of prerequisite just to feel okay again, or to finally feel like you actually deserve a hug or some actual love afterward...
Now that you're all grown up, whenever life gets heavy or you hit an emotional wall, you just fall right back into that old pattern—you start punishing yourself, putting yourself down, and basically robbing yourself of any chance at being happy. It’s like your inner critic has completely lost its mind and you're just desperate for some kind of release... Some people deal with it through physical pain, others spiral into depression, then you've got the folks who lean into hypersexuality, or even just reckless, "don't care if I live or die" behavior... it's all just ways to vent that pressure...

Missing your mom... honestly, it’s more than just being sentimental. It feels like this deep craving for love mixed with a total fear of actually stepping up and handling adult life—you know? Like, when you feel that crushing pressure and start doubting yourself, you just want to lean on someone else because being independent feels impossible. So instead of facing it, you end up retreating—either by chasing those "good old days" through nostalgia or just spiraling into self-sabotage...

You really have to work through that deep-seated resentment toward your mother—it’s like, you need to settle those old scores internally first. You've gotta totally rewire how you see yourself from the ground up. Once you actually start believing that you're capable, smart, and genuinely worthy of love, that's when you finally break out of that cycle of putting yourself down... it's tough, though. You have to recognize all those toxic patterns she shoved onto you, or even the ways you started mimicking her just because, well, she was your primary role model growing up. Honestly? Trying to do this solo is an uphill battle. You might make some progress, but then things get stressful and you end up falling right back into self-sabotage... it's much better to work with a therapist or join a support group. It helps to have that extra layer of guidance...😉

Roger Parker5 said:Humans are inherently self-destructive creatures. It isn’t just you; this tendency is actually baked into the very progress of our civilization.
What we can actually control is how we manage that destructive streak. It would be nothing more than an illusion—a total utopia—to expect it to just vanish.

Someone already pointed out to you earlier that masochism isn't strictly limited to physical pain.

Have you dealt with specific struggles in the past that pushed you toward a depressive state? I suspect that perhaps some of your current, day-to-day issues are what's driving this intense longing for your mother's presence and protection?
Or maybe not. Maybe that craving stems from the core of the issue itself, independent of any daily stressors. But from what I've gathered so far, you haven't felt this need for closeness before, largely because you're fully aware of how much your mother's influence actually tears you down.

Donna White50 said:It sounds like you never really got the chance to let out all that anger and frustration toward your mom—or just life in general—so instead, you just bottle it all up inside. When you do that, those feelings start leaking out through self-punishment or this weird, masochistic streak... it's like you're looking for pain. A lot of times, that’s just a pattern you picked up growing up—maybe you had a manipulative mother who used affection as a weapon or punished you by withholding love. You basically learned the hard way that suffering is some kind of prerequisite just to feel okay again, or to finally feel like you actually deserve a hug or some actual love afterward...
Now that you're all grown up, whenever life gets heavy or you hit an emotional wall, you just fall right back into that old pattern—you start punishing yourself, putting yourself down, and basically robbing yourself of any chance at being happy. It’s like your inner critic has completely lost its mind and you're just desperate for some kind of release... Some people deal with it through physical pain, others spiral into depression, then you've got the folks who lean into hypersexuality, or even just reckless, "don't care if I live or die" behavior... it's all just ways to vent that pressure...

Missing your mom... honestly, it’s more than just being sentimental. It feels like this deep craving for love mixed with a total fear of actually stepping up and handling adult life—you know? Like, when you feel that crushing pressure and start doubting yourself, you just want to lean on someone else because being independent feels impossible. So instead of facing it, you end up retreating—either by chasing those "good old days" through nostalgia or just spiraling into self-sabotage...

You really have to work through that deep-seated resentment toward your mother—it’s like, you need to settle those old scores internally first. You've gotta totally rewire how you see yourself from the ground up. Once you actually start believing that you're capable, smart, and genuinely worthy of love, that's when you finally break out of that cycle of putting yourself down... it's tough, though. You have to recognize all those toxic patterns she shoved onto you, or even the ways you started mimicking her just because, well, she was your primary role model growing up. Honestly? Trying to do this solo is an uphill battle. You might make some progress, but then things get stressful and you end up falling right back into self-sabotage... it's much better to work with a therapist or join a support group. It helps to have that extra layer of guidance...😉

I actually do understand the root cause.
It’s pretty straightforward.
The timeline goes like this: Fighting with my mom as an adult. Growing apart. Anger. Depression. Regret.

Look, we fought. Years have passed since then. I just can't seem to find peace or accept how things are.
On one hand, I'm furious, and on the other, I'm falling apart.

And that bolded part? That's probably the "falling apart" bit. Cause and effect.

Donna White50 said:It sounds like you never really got the chance to let out all that anger and frustration toward your mom—or just life in general—so instead, you just bottle it all up inside. When you do that, those feelings start leaking out through self-punishment or this weird, masochistic streak... it's like you're looking for pain. A lot of times, that’s just a pattern you picked up growing up—maybe you had a manipulative mother who used affection as a weapon or punished you by withholding love. You basically learned the hard way that suffering is some kind of prerequisite just to feel okay again, or to finally feel like you actually deserve a hug or some actual love afterward...
Now that you're all grown up, whenever life gets heavy or you hit an emotional wall, you just fall right back into that old pattern—you start punishing yourself, putting yourself down, and basically robbing yourself of any chance at being happy. It’s like your inner critic has completely lost its mind and you're just desperate for some kind of release... Some people deal with it through physical pain, others spiral into depression, then you've got the folks who lean into hypersexuality, or even just reckless, "don't care if I live or die" behavior... it's all just ways to vent that pressure...

Missing your mom... honestly, it’s more than just being sentimental. It feels like this deep craving for love mixed with a total fear of actually stepping up and handling adult life—you know? Like, when you feel that crushing pressure and start doubting yourself, you just want to lean on someone else because being independent feels impossible. So instead of facing it, you end up retreating—either by chasing those "good old days" through nostalgia or just spiraling into self-sabotage...

You really have to work through that deep-seated resentment toward your mother—it’s like, you need to settle those old scores internally first. You've gotta totally rewire how you see yourself from the ground up. Once you actually start believing that you're capable, smart, and genuinely worthy of love, that's when you finally break out of that cycle of putting yourself down... it's tough, though. You have to recognize all those toxic patterns she shoved onto you, or even the ways you started mimicking her just because, well, she was your primary role model growing up. Honestly? Trying to do this solo is an uphill battle. You might make some progress, but then things get stressful and you end up falling right back into self-sabotage... it's much better to work with a therapist or join a support group. It helps to have that extra layer of guidance...😉

Is there an on/off switch for all of this somewhere? 😁

mistydrifter55 said:I actually do understand the root cause.
It’s pretty straightforward.
The timeline goes like this: Fighting with my mom as an adult. Growing apart. Anger. Depression. Regret.

Look, we fought. Years have passed since then. I just can't seem to find peace or accept how things are.
On one hand, I'm furious, and on the other, I'm falling apart.

And that bolded part? That's probably the "falling apart" bit. Cause and effect.

Is there an on/off switch for all of this somewhere? 😁

I honestly think it’s a mix of things—partly that lingering anger that drove you away from your mom in the first place... which, if you think about it, might have actually been a lifesaver since it stopped her from micromanaging your whole life...
It feels like you're still totally stuck emotionally—just trapped by this constant loop of guilt and fear toward your mom. It’s like... even though she isn't physically there, she’s always hovering in the back of your mind, living right there with you and watching your every move... You’re basically waiting for her to change, right? Just wishing she’d call one day and say, "Hey, I was wrong, I'm sorry, please come home..." But let's be real—you can't force her to change. That's never going to happen. All you actually have control over is yourself... Once you finally stop expecting that hug or that apology, that's when you can actually start grieving and finally break free from her grip. Otherwise, she’ll follow you anywhere—even from the grave. Honestly, though? It’s not really *her* following you anymore... it’s more like this intense superego that’s constantly bleeding guilt because you feel like you hurt her or broke some toxic family dynamic. Plus, there's that deep hunger for love because you haven't quite convinced yourself that you're actually a good person yet... you don't really love yourself, do you? So, what's happening is this internal war—this massive, crushing superego built up from her strict parenting that keeps hitting you with guilt, clashing against this fragile, underdeveloped ego that never felt truly seen or loved. It’s all playing out on a subconscious level, so you don't see the connection... you just see the result: feeling sad, feeling weak, just desperate for a hug (which is really just a craving for her love). You end up feeling clumsy, stupid, and just plain awful—like you don't even deserve to be here... and that's just that weak ego crumbling every time a bad emotion hits and you don't know how to process it...
Honestly, I wish I could go back and tell my younger self—when I actually had the chance—that the relationship I had with my mom was just straight-up toxic. It left me carrying so much baggage... but look, I’m a smart, resilient, brave woman who actually wants to live life to the fullest. I deserve to enjoy myself, to feel good, and to be loved by people who actually bring something real to the table. I want to live life on my own terms, you know? I can't go back and "fix" how things were with her, so instead of sitting around hoping she'll finally love or respect me, I've gotta focus on changing myself. That means lowering my expectations to something realistic and setting some serious boundaries so I can deal with her in a way that works for me... Whenever I feel that old wave of guilt hitting me when we talk, I realize it’s just that wounded little girl inside me screaming for the affection she never got. My mom didn't protect me—she actually used my need for love against me, making me feel guilty just to keep me under her thumb and make me do whatever she wanted. It was messed up, and honestly, she was a bad parent. But I’m not that scared, helpless little kid anymore. I’m a grown, capable woman—yeah, I have my flaws like everyone else, but I’ve got plenty of strengths too. I just want to love myself, give that hurt little girl inside me a hug, and finally heal... so I can just be happy and proud of the life I'm building... 😉
Look, this stuff doesn't just happen overnight—it takes years of grinding on yourself, really digging into your own head, your emotions, what you actually need, all that... Self-work is brutal, honestly. Most people spend their whole lives running away from themselves because they can't stand to admit they're the ones with the issue—they'd much rather point fingers at everyone else to explain why they feel like crap. You, though—you tend to blame yourself by default, which isn't helping. You've gotta find a way to ease that guilt and just let the anger go... You have every right to be mad at your mom, but you also have every right to be happy. You need to embrace who you are, flaws and all. We all have our ups and downs, good days and bad ones... those moments don't define who we are, and they shouldn't change how people see us. We're so much more than just one depressing night or a few bad moods, right...?

mistydrifter55 said:I’ve been wanting to write this for a while, but I couldn't settle on a title that actually captured everything weighing me down.

In the end, I realized it all boils down to good old-fashioned "self-destruction."

The reason I'm finally putting pen to paper is because I’m feeling a void right now. It sounds trivial, but I miss "Mom." Not my mother—the woman who gave birth to me—but *Mom*. That childhood feeling where you felt safe, where her mere presence made every worry vanish, and where one look from her could make your whole world feel right.

Is this just nostalgia for a time that passed?
Or is it part of that "I don't want to grow up" phase?

Since I have a natural tendency toward self-destruction and playing the victim—patterns I picked up directly from my mother—it turns out I’m currently missing the very person who made me this unstable and dissatisfied.

I’m stuck in a depressive loop, grieving things that aren't even there anymore.
I’m angry at her—at her actions, our relationship, and my own reactions to her.
She’s manipulative and a master of emotional blackmail. She’s the type of person who acts like a vampire, slowly draining your blood, your emotions, and your energy, all while acting like she’s some kind of deity. Like she’s the only one meant to exist, and her needs are the only ones that matter.

Of course, it’s all incredibly deep and complicated.

I know we already have threads about toxic parents and their kids, but I want to talk about how we *feel*. I don't just want us to nod along and agree that "parents are the problem."

I cut contact with my mother a long time ago. As far as I'm concerned, she doesn't exist anymore. There is zero communication between us.
And yet, I’m killing myself with these nostalgic feelings.
I haven't processed these emotions, so I keep digging deep into the past, searching and searching, only to end up feeling pathetic. I always end up destroying myself. It’s almost like I’m seeking out that self-annihilation.

It’s obvious that this self-destructive streak is wired deep into me, and it's wired wrong. When I start digging through the wreckage, instead of feeling bad, my adrenaline spikes and I somehow feel better. I actually find a weird sort of enjoyment in my own suffering.
It’s sick, really.

Then there's this closed loop that's so hard to break. I destroy myself, and I enjoy it at the same time.

Luckily, I’m not a masochist; I don't go as far as physical self-harm. My head is just a mess.

If you're going to go full no-contact with a parent,
you seriously need a massive, rock-solid reason to justify it.

And if you haven't totally processed that reason,
it's honestly better to just reach back out
and try building a relationship based strictly on
those few things that you actually agree on.

It's way better for everyone involved.☕

mistydrifter55 said:I actually do understand the root cause.
It’s pretty straightforward.
The timeline goes like this: Fighting with my mom as an adult. Growing apart. Anger. Depression. Regret.

Look, we fought. Years have passed since then. I just can't seem to find peace or accept how things are.
On one hand, I'm furious, and on the other, I'm falling apart.

And that bolded part? That's probably the "falling apart" bit. Cause and effect.

Is there an on/off switch for all of this somewhere? 😁

So, are you two living under the same roof or not?
And what was the actual spark that started the fire?

If you aren't living together, honestly, fighting like this feels pretty pointless. People usually clash over the friction of shared space and daily life.
If you don't share a household, you could spend all day arguing over whether Joe Biden or Donald Trump is better, for all the good it'll do.
And frankly, neither of them deserves that much of your emotional energy.😁

Donna White50 said:I honestly think it’s a mix of things—partly that lingering anger that drove you away from your mom in the first place... which, if you think about it, might have actually been a lifesaver since it stopped her from micromanaging your whole life...
It feels like you're still totally stuck emotionally—just trapped by this constant loop of guilt and fear toward your mom. It’s like... even though she isn't physically there, she’s always hovering in the back of your mind, living right there with you and watching your every move... You’re basically waiting for her to change, right? Just wishing she’d call one day and say, "Hey, I was wrong, I'm sorry, please come home..." But let's be real—you can't force her to change. That's never going to happen. All you actually have control over is yourself... Once you finally stop expecting that hug or that apology, that's when you can actually start grieving and finally break free from her grip. Otherwise, she’ll follow you anywhere—even from the grave. Honestly, though? It’s not really *her* following you anymore... it’s more like this intense superego that’s constantly bleeding guilt because you feel like you hurt her or broke some toxic family dynamic. Plus, there's that deep hunger for love because you haven't quite convinced yourself that you're actually a good person yet... you don't really love yourself, do you? So, what's happening is this internal war—this massive, crushing superego built up from her strict parenting that keeps hitting you with guilt, clashing against this fragile, underdeveloped ego that never felt truly seen or loved. It’s all playing out on a subconscious level, so you don't see the connection... you just see the result: feeling sad, feeling weak, just desperate for a hug (which is really just a craving for her love). You end up feeling clumsy, stupid, and just plain awful—like you don't even deserve to be here... and that's just that weak ego crumbling every time a bad emotion hits and you don't know how to process it...
Honestly, I wish I could go back and tell my younger self—when I actually had the chance—that the relationship I had with my mom was just straight-up toxic. It left me carrying so much baggage... but look, I’m a smart, resilient, brave woman who actually wants to live life to the fullest. I deserve to enjoy myself, to feel good, and to be loved by people who actually bring something real to the table. I want to live life on my own terms, you know? I can't go back and "fix" how things were with her, so instead of sitting around hoping she'll finally love or respect me, I've gotta focus on changing myself. That means lowering my expectations to something realistic and setting some serious boundaries so I can deal with her in a way that works for me... Whenever I feel that old wave of guilt hitting me when we talk, I realize it’s just that wounded little girl inside me screaming for the affection she never got. My mom didn't protect me—she actually used my need for love against me, making me feel guilty just to keep me under her thumb and make me do whatever she wanted. It was messed up, and honestly, she was a bad parent. But I’m not that scared, helpless little kid anymore. I’m a grown, capable woman—yeah, I have my flaws like everyone else, but I’ve got plenty of strengths too. I just want to love myself, give that hurt little girl inside me a hug, and finally heal... so I can just be happy and proud of the life I'm building... 😉
Look, this stuff doesn't just happen overnight—it takes years of grinding on yourself, really digging into your own head, your emotions, what you actually need, all that... Self-work is brutal, honestly. Most people spend their whole lives running away from themselves because they can't stand to admit they're the ones with the issue—they'd much rather point fingers at everyone else to explain why they feel like crap. You, though—you tend to blame yourself by default, which isn't helping. You've gotta find a way to ease that guilt and just let the anger go... You have every right to be mad at your mom, but you also have every right to be happy. You need to embrace who you are, flaws and all. We all have our ups and downs, good days and bad ones... those moments don't define who we are, and they shouldn't change how people see us. We're so much more than just one depressing night or a few bad moods, right...?

Yeah.

Spot on. 100%.

Thanks 😉

Benjamin Taylor6 said:So, are you two living under the same roof or not?
And what was the actual spark that started the fire?

If you aren't living together, honestly, fighting like this feels pretty pointless. People usually clash over the friction of shared space and daily life.
If you don't share a household, you could spend all day arguing over whether Joe Biden or Donald Trump is better, for all the good it'll do.
And frankly, neither of them deserves that much of your emotional energy.😁

🤣🤣🤣

Nah, we don't live together. And even if we did? We’d probably be bickering about that, too. 🤦.

The reason for the fight doesn't even matter anymore. It’s long since faded into nothing.
A whole bunch of bigger, deeper frustrations just started bubbling up once things began to fall apart.
It's those little things you usually try to swallow, only for them to explode later on.
But honestly? None of that matters now.

I guess I was just feeling nostalgic for some imaginary version of the past, but looking back, it was really just me running away from the present. I'm starting to see why I always do that—why I struggle with current issues or why I sometimes let small, stupid problems pile up until they're overwhelming.

Someone mentioned Toxic Mothers earlier, so I dug up this

I definitely see myself in this section:
The Envious Mother
Envious mothers just won't celebrate their daughters' wins, even when those daughters are working themselves to the bone to make them proud. But the second a daughter fails? Suddenly, Mom is right there by her side, almost acting like she’s secretly thrilled about the setback. Women who grew up with moms like this often view their own success as a threat to their relationships. Growing up, they were constantly sent mixed signals and never knew where they stood. They tried to meet the impossible standards their mothers set, but the moment they actually hit the mark, they were met with nothing but resentment. These women often walk through life feeling like they aren't good enough or successful enough, when the truth is they are actually *too* capable—and their mothers just can't stomach it. The underlying message from the mother is basically: "I'll only love you if you stay small and don't develop any talents that might overshadow me.">

My biggest emotional meltdowns as an adult always happened right after I achieved something big.
Growing up, I was incredibly ambitious. I’d pour all my energy into these massive, nearly impossible goals, but once I actually pulled them off, instead of feeling happy or satisfied, I just felt empty. Just this weird sense of sadness and misery.
Eventually, my ambition just started to fizzle out. Since I wasn't finding any joy in what I accomplished, I stopped setting new goals altogether. Why bother?
(The only time my adrenaline would actually spike was when things went sideways—when I had a sudden crisis to fix or some last-minute chaos to handle.
)
So now, I tend to pour all my focus and energy into the process itself. I get lost in the middle because I have zero drive to actually reach the finish line. Reaching the end doesn't give me any kind of thrill. Consequently, I find myself drifting through endless tasks or getting bogged down in projects that make absolutely no sense. I just work for the sake of working.
I think I need to start setting tiny, manageable goals and actually rewarding myself when I finish them. 🙂

_____________________________________________

Back in the day, whenever I talked to my old lady, she wouldn't ask "How are you?" She'd ask, "Is there a problem?"
That woman practically lived on other people's drama. She’d just sit there waiting for someone to come crying to her shoulder so she could play the part of the deeply empathetic listener. In reality? She was just feeding off the chaos.
Ugh, that part used to drive me absolutely insane, and honestly, it still gets under my skin today—seeing people who "feed" off everyone else's struggles.

mistydrifter55 said:Someone mentioned Toxic Mothers earlier, so I dug up this

I definitely see myself in this section:
The Envious Mother
Envious mothers just won't celebrate their daughters' wins, even when those daughters are working themselves to the bone to make them proud. But the second a daughter fails? Suddenly, Mom is right there by her side, almost acting like she’s secretly thrilled about the setback. Women who grew up with moms like this often view their own success as a threat to their relationships. Growing up, they were constantly sent mixed signals and never knew where they stood. They tried to meet the impossible standards their mothers set, but the moment they actually hit the mark, they were met with nothing but resentment. These women often walk through life feeling like they aren't good enough or successful enough, when the truth is they are actually *too* capable—and their mothers just can't stomach it. The underlying message from the mother is basically: "I'll only love you if you stay small and don't develop any talents that might overshadow me.">

My biggest emotional meltdowns as an adult always happened right after I achieved something big.
Growing up, I was incredibly ambitious. I’d pour all my energy into these massive, nearly impossible goals, but once I actually pulled them off, instead of feeling happy or satisfied, I just felt empty. Just this weird sense of sadness and misery.
Eventually, my ambition just started to fizzle out. Since I wasn't finding any joy in what I accomplished, I stopped setting new goals altogether. Why bother?
(The only time my adrenaline would actually spike was when things went sideways—when I had a sudden crisis to fix or some last-minute chaos to handle.
)
So now, I tend to pour all my focus and energy into the process itself. I get lost in the middle because I have zero drive to actually reach the finish line. Reaching the end doesn't give me any kind of thrill. Consequently, I find myself drifting through endless tasks or getting bogged down in projects that make absolutely no sense. I just work for the sake of working.
I think I need to start setting tiny, manageable goals and actually rewarding myself when I finish them. 🙂

_____________________________________________

Back in the day, whenever I talked to my old lady, she wouldn't ask "How are you?" She'd ask, "Is there a problem?"
That woman practically lived on other people's drama. She’d just sit there waiting for someone to come crying to her shoulder so she could play the part of the deeply empathetic listener. In reality? She was just feeding off the chaos.
Ugh, that part used to drive me absolutely insane, and honestly, it still gets under my skin today—seeing people who "feed" off everyone else's struggles.

Man, you're heading down the wrong path again...
I feel like you’re subconsciously beating yourself up over everything that goes wrong—mostly because you set the bar way too high for yourself... You're constantly expecting these massive wins, often aiming for things that are just out of reach, or at least they used to be...
I really hope you get how wrong it is to pile all that weight on yourself just to feel like you actually matter...
Why did you even do that? It’s like... back when you were just a kid, you were so desperate for that cold mother of yours to actually hug you—to give you some support, tell you that you actually matter, or just show you a little love... but she only gave it out in tiny, tiny drops. So, you figured if you could just tackle some massive, impossible task, it would prove you were better than everyone else. You thought if you crushed it, your mom might finally notice... and then, for once, you’d actually feel worthy. Like her attention was the only thing that made you worth something in the first place...
Look, even when you finally clock out for the day, you're still stuck with that feeling—knowing deep down your mom is never gonna give you credit for anything you actually pull off. It’s always the opposite, honestly... just constant put-downs, endless criticism, and that heavy, sinking feeling that stays with you... Your mom did all that just to manipulate you—to make herself feel bigger and more powerful than you were (it’s honestly absurd), and your whole success story was basically just her ambitions riding on your back instead of yours. If she bragged about you to the neighbors, it gave you this fake sense of worth, but in her eyes, you weren't actually the point... making an impression on the people next door was what mattered to her.
Eventually, you saw through the game and started resenting her. Once you finally moved out, you lost that specific "mode" you used to operate in—you didn't have that pressure to perform the impossible anymore, so your drive just kind of tanked. If she were still around, you’d probably still be sucking up to her just to get a crumb of praise, right..?
The thing is, you don't really have a sense of self-worth, which is why you still crave her approval despite everything. You still want her to tell you that you matter today... but let's be real, that’s never going to happen..
These little short-term goals you chase? They're just ways to vent frustration and get a quick hit of dopamine to boost your mood. They're unplanned and impulsive, which is why you get this sudden urge to do something just to feel like you actually matter but the feeling fades fast, and then you're right back in the downward spiral. You almost feel like you *have* to crash, because how else are you supposed to climb back up, right... there's no high without the low, and you crave that rush just like you did when you were a little girl..😉
If you were mentally in a good place, you could easily force yourself to knock out a task. You'd set a goal, tell yourself "okay, once I finish this, I get a reward," like going out, buying something nice, or taking a trip. You'd actually know *why* you're working toward something—whether it's money, free time, or just pure enjoyment. But instead, you're acting on impulse, kind of like an addict needing a fix just to feel human... You're doing this because you struggle with self-love, you rely on others, you carry guilt, you punish yourself... it's depression and all that stuff..

I won't say anything about your mom—you know her better than anyone... but honestly, you have such a massive opportunity here to rebuild your life far away from her influence. Just take it slow. Work on yourself in small steps, set actual plans, find a therapist, meet new people, find something you genuinely love and dive into it. And no matter what happens, remember to give yourself some credit when you do something well. Remind yourself that you can handle things on your own, and when the bad stuff hits, just shrug and say, "hey, this happens to everyone, it'll pass, moving on.."😉

Whenever you set a goal or a task, just stop and ask yourself *why*. What's the real motivation? What are you trying to prove, and to whom? How does it actually relate to you? Personally, I don't feel like I owe anyone anything or have anything to prove... we usually end up stuck either because we don't ask ourselves "why" or because we don't know how to tell other people "enough is enough"...

mistydrifter55,
maybe "envious" isn't really the right word for your mom
she just wasn't as good at handling her family's wins as she was at handling their losses—you know, when she could play the role of the caregiver to the underdog, or ultimately, the martyr
it was only when she could step into that part that she’d actually shine, and that’s when you’d feel that trickle of love from her—even if it had some toxic undertones
so, basically, you started self-sabotaging as a kid just to trigger her attention and affection
you somehow linked those masochistic or self-destructive feelings tied to failure (or sabotaged success) with her love—like they were two sides of the same coin—as if you were "offering" her problems just to buy a little love; you adapted to her expectations (which were centered on struggle) so she could play her part, because without that drama, you weren't getting much of her love
because of that, you couldn't even celebrate your own wins; you just felt empty since she never truly celebrated them with you—well, maybe she did, but she didn't know how to show it properly, and you definitely received more from her when you were "down"

now that you guys aren't close, you miss her—you miss that dynamic—and you end up sabotaging yourself in whatever way you can just to feel miserable, conditioned by all that old programming to believe that love will eventually follow the chaos
but it doesn't come; you're mostly just giving it to yourself through the adrenaline rush or whatever

but you're sinking deeper into dissatisfaction, and there's less and less joy to go around

curious if I'm on the right track?

every time you sabotaged yourself, you hurt yourself a little, pushed a part of yourself away, and refused to reach your full potential—sacrificing who you are for her sake (that's what kids do)
over time, that part of you has grown so strong that it’s going to haunt you destructively until you finally let yourself see and feel it. It’s brutal, but it has to pass through you, and the more you fight it, the worse it gets
I’m in therapy myself, but I once got a piece of advice like this from a non-professional on a forum, and it actually works for me; when I let the emotion in, I get restless, trying to catch it with my mind, but it slips away. I feel this discontent that isn't tied to anything happening right now—something I can't quite put into words. If I let it out, it’s like emotional hurricanes and storms; sometimes anxiety hits first, but once the storm passes, there's this massive release of energy—all that energy your subconscious was wasting just trying to keep Pandora’s box shut. Give it a shot; life provides plenty of opportunities

and you know, in a way, that self-destruction is actually your protection against something your brain perceives as a greater evil, I guess
and is there any greater evil than losing a mother's love for a child?
except you aren't a child anymore; you can survive without her, and you are worthy of love regardless of her—or anyone else's—conscious or unconscious conditions

once you work through this, maybe you'll even give her a chance to be a better mom than she used to be, because you won't be expecting things from her that she simply isn't capable of giving—after all, someone probably poisoned her too, leaving her with these broken mechanisms

I honestly can't believe I have to say this again, but we really need to start looking at the bigger picture here because everyone seems so distracted by the minor details that they're missing the absolute forest for the trees! It’s like, you know, we’re sitting here debating these tiny little nuances while the actual foundation of everything is shifting right under our feet, and if we don't wake up soon, we're going to be left staring at a total mess wondering where it all went wrong. I'm being completely serious when I say that the sheer level of complacency I'm seeing from people lately is actually kind of terrifying, and it’s definitely not just me feeling this way because anyone with half a brain can see the writing on the wall if they just bother to pay attention for five minutes! kaže:
... I mean, seriously, is there any greater evil than... You seriously want to go out there and throw away your mother's love? Like, actually risk losing that bond? Man, you have no idea what you're playing with here. That kind of connection is everything, and once you mess with it, you can't just hit undo or patch it up like some buggy Python code. It’s heavy stuff, man, really heavy. You gotta think about the long game because once that trust is gone, it’s gone for good.I mean, honestly, you really only need to think about doing that for one kid.
...

Look, you might actually want to give her a fair shot at being a better mom than she used to be, honestly. If you just stop expecting her to pull off things she clearly isn't capable of, it changes everything—because let’s face it, she was probably raised by people who basically poisoned her outlook from the start, leaving her with some seriously broken mental wiring that she's still dealing with today.

Moms just always have that way of showing they love you, no matter what happens.,
But honestly, it’s pretty obvious that it happens in all sorts of different ways—even if people aren't even consciously aware they're doing it.

I honestly feel like we’ve all just hit that point where everything feels way more intense than it used to be, you know? Like, you wake up one day and suddenly you're expected to have all these answers and navigate this massive, complicated world without a roadmap, and it's just exhausting. It’s that heavy realization of being an adult—where the stakes actually feel real and you can't just hide behind excuses anymore. I was thinking about this the other day, how much mental energy it takes just to stay on top of things when life keeps throwing curveballs at you, and it really hits home that there's no going back to that carefree simplicity we had growing up. It’s a constant grind, but I guess that's just part of the deal now, right? You just have to keep pushing through and figure it out as you go. Honestly, kids just get it, you know? They have this way of seeing right through all the noise that adults tend to overcomplicate.
They’re actually forgiving her and keeping things going with their mom, which honestly just blows my mind.
Look, at the end of the day, we all just need to grow up. ☕

Jacob Long said:mistydrifter55,
maybe "envious" isn't really the right word for your mom
she just wasn't as good at handling her family's wins as she was at handling their losses—you know, when she could play the role of the caregiver to the underdog, or ultimately, the martyr
it was only when she could step into that part that she’d actually shine, and that’s when you’d feel that trickle of love from her—even if it had some toxic undertones
so, basically, you started self-sabotaging as a kid just to trigger her attention and affection
you somehow linked those masochistic or self-destructive feelings tied to failure (or sabotaged success) with her love—like they were two sides of the same coin—as if you were "offering" her problems just to buy a little love; you adapted to her expectations (which were centered on struggle) so she could play her part, because without that drama, you weren't getting much of her love
because of that, you couldn't even celebrate your own wins; you just felt empty since she never truly celebrated them with you—well, maybe she did, but she didn't know how to show it properly, and you definitely received more from her when you were "down"

now that you guys aren't close, you miss her—you miss that dynamic—and you end up sabotaging yourself in whatever way you can just to feel miserable, conditioned by all that old programming to believe that love will eventually follow the chaos
but it doesn't come; you're mostly just giving it to yourself through the adrenaline rush or whatever

but you're sinking deeper into dissatisfaction, and there's less and less joy to go around

curious if I'm on the right track?

every time you sabotaged yourself, you hurt yourself a little, pushed a part of yourself away, and refused to reach your full potential—sacrificing who you are for her sake (that's what kids do)
over time, that part of you has grown so strong that it’s going to haunt you destructively until you finally let yourself see and feel it. It’s brutal, but it has to pass through you, and the more you fight it, the worse it gets
I’m in therapy myself, but I once got a piece of advice like this from a non-professional on a forum, and it actually works for me; when I let the emotion in, I get restless, trying to catch it with my mind, but it slips away. I feel this discontent that isn't tied to anything happening right now—something I can't quite put into words. If I let it out, it’s like emotional hurricanes and storms; sometimes anxiety hits first, but once the storm passes, there's this massive release of energy—all that energy your subconscious was wasting just trying to keep Pandora’s box shut. Give it a shot; life provides plenty of opportunities

and you know, in a way, that self-destruction is actually your protection against something your brain perceives as a greater evil, I guess
and is there any greater evil than losing a mother's love for a child?
except you aren't a child anymore; you can survive without her, and you are worthy of love regardless of her—or anyone else's—conscious or unconscious conditions

once you work through this, maybe you'll even give her a chance to be a better mom than she used to be, because you won't be expecting things from her that she simply isn't capable of giving—after all, someone probably poisoned her too, leaving her with these broken mechanisms

We’ve basically thrown two totally opposite theories out there—now I’m actually curious which one hits the mark...?😉
To me, it feels like the mom is just super envious, you know? Like, she sees someone else's failure as her own little win... as if their setback somehow makes her look better. That probably explains why she keeps downplaying her daughter's successes... which, honestly, is likely why the girl started pulling away during her teen years. What we're seeing now seems like the fallout from being rejected by her kid, mixed with a total lack of self-awareness... Guess we'll see how it plays out...

Charles Lopez3 said:

I honestly can't believe I have to say this again, but we really need to start looking at the bigger picture here because everyone seems so distracted by the minor details that they're missing the absolute forest for the trees! It’s like, you know, we’re sitting here debating these tiny little nuances while the actual foundation of everything is shifting right under our feet, and if we don't wake up soon, we're going to be left staring at a total mess wondering where it all went wrong. I'm being completely serious when I say that the sheer level of complacency I'm seeing from people lately is actually kind of terrifying, and it’s definitely not just me feeling this way because anyone with half a brain can see the writing on the wall if they just bother to pay attention for five minutes! kaže:
... I mean, seriously, is there any greater evil than... You seriously want to go out there and throw away your mother's love? Like, actually risk losing that bond? Man, you have no idea what you're playing with here. That kind of connection is everything, and once you mess with it, you can't just hit undo or patch it up like some buggy Python code. It’s heavy stuff, man, really heavy. You gotta think about the long game because once that trust is gone, it’s gone for good.I mean, honestly, you really only need to think about doing that for one kid.
...

Look, you might actually want to give her a fair shot at being a better mom than she used to be, honestly. If you just stop expecting her to pull off things she clearly isn't capable of, it changes everything—because let’s face it, she was probably raised by people who basically poisoned her outlook from the start, leaving her with some seriously broken mental wiring that she's still dealing with today.

Moms just always have that way of showing they love you, no matter what happens.,
But honestly, it’s pretty obvious that it happens in all sorts of different ways—even if people aren't even consciously aware they're doing it.

I honestly feel like we’ve all just hit that point where everything feels way more intense than it used to be, you know? Like, you wake up one day and suddenly you're expected to have all these answers and navigate this massive, complicated world without a roadmap, and it's just exhausting. It’s that heavy realization of being an adult—where the stakes actually feel real and you can't just hide behind excuses anymore. I was thinking about this the other day, how much mental energy it takes just to stay on top of things when life keeps throwing curveballs at you, and it really hits home that there's no going back to that carefree simplicity we had growing up. It’s a constant grind, but I guess that's just part of the deal now, right? You just have to keep pushing through and figure it out as you go. Honestly, kids just get it, you know? They have this way of seeing right through all the noise that adults tend to overcomplicate.
They’re actually forgiving her and keeping things going with their mom, which honestly just blows my mind.
Look, at the end of the day, we all just need to grow up. ☕

She isn't ready to let it go—she’s hunting for someone to blame and wondering why it happened...
You really have to put in the work to truly forgive, accept her, accept yourself, and finally move on..

Donna White50 said:We’ve basically thrown two totally opposite theories out there—now I’m actually curious which one hits the mark...?😉
To me, it feels like the mom is just super envious, you know? Like, she sees someone else's failure as her own little win... as if their setback somehow makes her look better. That probably explains why she keeps downplaying her daughter's successes... which, honestly, is likely why the girl started pulling away during her teen years. What we're seeing now seems like the fallout from being rejected by her kid, mixed with a total lack of self-awareness... Guess we'll see how it plays out...

I'm also curious about the response. The theories aren't exactly opposites, though—in psychology, most things eventually boil down to pretty much the same labels anyway.

From what I can tell, she didn't really "reject" her mom (meaning, setting boundaries) until she was older and realized her mother was actively sabotaging her well-being, not back in her teen years.

And maybe that mother *was* envious of that whole "go-getter" attitude—since that's just not how she's wired. It’s possible that view actually runs parallel to my own.
That mom could be a total powerhouse in her career or whatever, but that doesn't mean she can't play the victim—if anything, it just makes the whole drama even more complex.

The issue is when you hit that antagonism with a parent (something I'm still digging through myself)—it creates this internalized negative self-image. You end up swallowing the idea that you're somehow flawed or unworthy because Mom "knows best," and she sends that message through subtle non-verbal cues—maybe even verbal ones.
There’s gotta be a lot of guilt involved too—like, when I think negatively about my mom, I feel guilty, even though I have to protect myself.
And if I accept that Mom is "right," I just end up feeling shame and guilt for not being "good enough" or whatever.

Donna White50 said:We’ve basically thrown two totally opposite theories out there—now I’m actually curious which one hits the mark...?😉
To me, it feels like the mom is just super envious, you know? Like, she sees someone else's failure as her own little win... as if their setback somehow makes her look better. That probably explains why she keeps downplaying her daughter's successes... which, honestly, is likely why the girl started pulling away during her teen years. What we're seeing now seems like the fallout from being rejected by her kid, mixed with a total lack of self-awareness... Guess we'll see how it plays out...

I started "feeling" my mother—realizing we just didn't click—way back in puberty.

Basically, that drift between us started the moment I stopped being a "little girl."
When I was tiny, she could still play the part of the mom. Tying my shoes, cuddling, telling stories... everything was great then.

But once school started, the distance set in.
Her reasons, her frustrations, whatever drama drove her behavior? I honestly don't care anymore. I don't even want to analyze it.

So. Here we are.

The big questions.

Forgive my mother? For what? I don't hold a grudge against her for how she chose to live her life.
What I *did* hold against her was how, after Dad passed away, she failed to keep the family together. Instead, she fueled the fire between her own kids. She basically "picked sides" between her children (and obviously, I wasn't the favorite). How can a mother discard one child while embracing another? I have two kids myself, and honestly, I don't think I could ever do that.
Her choice? Not seeing her grandkids.
Her choice? Suing me—her own flesh and blood—for harassment, right when I was trying to reach out. After she called the police to report me for "harassment," I cut contact. Yet, she keeps calling me. Makes sense, right? (?)

Move on? Move on to where? How?
I’ve dealt with my connection to my mother—the current, real-life version. I have zero intention of talking to her again. There's just no need.
But I haven't settled things internally. The emotional stuff, the private battle with myself... that's still there.

That’s what I want to fix: my inner peace.
I want to change how I function.
I want to break my behavioral patterns.
The ones baked in from childhood. I know it won't be easy. Honestly, I don't even know how to start.
All I know is that this pattern is hurting me and the people around me.
And that’s really what bothers me. That's the thing I actually want to change.

mistydrifter55 said:I started "feeling" my mother—realizing we just didn't click—way back in puberty.

Basically, that drift between us started the moment I stopped being a "little girl."
When I was tiny, she could still play the part of the mom. Tying my shoes, cuddling, telling stories... everything was great then.

But once school started, the distance set in.
Her reasons, her frustrations, whatever drama drove her behavior? I honestly don't care anymore. I don't even want to analyze it.

So. Here we are.

The big questions.

Forgive my mother? For what? I don't hold a grudge against her for how she chose to live her life.
What I *did* hold against her was how, after Dad passed away, she failed to keep the family together. Instead, she fueled the fire between her own kids. She basically "picked sides" between her children (and obviously, I wasn't the favorite). How can a mother discard one child while embracing another? I have two kids myself, and honestly, I don't think I could ever do that.
Her choice? Not seeing her grandkids.
Her choice? Suing me—her own flesh and blood—for harassment, right when I was trying to reach out. After she called the police to report me for "harassment," I cut contact. Yet, she keeps calling me. Makes sense, right? (?)

Move on? Move on to where? How?
I’ve dealt with my connection to my mother—the current, real-life version. I have zero intention of talking to her again. There's just no need.
But I haven't settled things internally. The emotional stuff, the private battle with myself... that's still there.

That’s what I want to fix: my inner peace.
I want to change how I function.
I want to break my behavioral patterns.
The ones baked in from childhood. I know it won't be easy. Honestly, I don't even know how to start.
All I know is that this pattern is hurting me and the people around me.
And that’s really what bothers me. That's the thing I actually want to change.

Man, there's so much rage in you, and you remind me of myself so much it's actually scary.
Maybe it'll be easier if I tell you how I felt, so maybe you can find some common ground...
Unlike you, I never truly felt like my parents loved or accepted me. My younger sister was always the golden child, while I was left on the sidelines, feeling the weight of being the oldest brother. I've always craved love, and I'd say I still do—I have this intense need to be close to someone. Ever since I can remember, I've felt lonely and unloved (though today I'm okay, and I'm proud of what I've achieved). As a kid, I used to daydream all the time about some stranger just picking me up, accepting me for who I am, and loving me... even if it was just in my head. That guilt my parents constantly pushed onto me was also a huge part of my life. That's where my submissiveness started. Today, I'm not really submissive—I'm actually pretty dominant and don't take orders from anyone—but I flip into heavy masochism whenever I'm in a bad mental state..
I finally went full no-contact with my parents recently, though I'd been pulling away for the last 15 years. At first, cutting them off gave me a sense of satisfaction; for the first time, I could actually get back at them by letting them suffer.. But after a few months, they realized they messed up, changed their tune, and now they're acting totally fine toward me. But honestly? I'm not ready to forgive them. If anything, I feel cheated because their attitude toward me suddenly improved. I want the person at fault to suffer, regardless of the fact that I know they couldn't act any differently given how immature and narrow-minded they are. I often feel terrible about it... there's an entire ocean of suppressed rage and pain inside me that I've never let out. In fact, I've always tried so hard to bury my negative feelings, my anger, and my pain, trying to make sure none of it touches me too deeply. Nowadays, I can't cry. I can't stand seeing sadness or pain in other people's eyes. When someone I know passes away, I just feel nothing—just emptiness.. honestly, all negative emotions just don't reach me; I automatically shut them down or bury them.. But that doesn't mean they aren't there, or that the last 30 years haven't happened and been forgotten forever. Every harsh word, every insult, every bad emotion—it's all still inside. I just don't want to let it out. Not only do I not want to, but I've pushed it down for so many years that I don't even know how to let it all out if I wanted to. I don't even know the triggers for my negative emotions. I just know that out of nowhere, I'll feel totally pathetic, worthless, sad, desperate... and I'll feel like hurting myself or someone else..

Where does this whole self-destruct thing even come from?..
It comes from the same place mine does—you’re just deeply hurt. You grew up without enough love from your mom, dealing with all that misunderstanding, being belittled, and then finally getting totally pushed away after your dad passed. Losing your dad was traumatic enough on its own, but then you lost your mom too, since she basically shut you out after he died.
You’re furious—like, pure rage levels—so much so that you decided to just wipe her from your life entirely. You're disgusted by her, you can't stand her...
But cutting her off isn't going to quiet those emotions screaming to get out. It won't stop the ache of losing a mother who rejected you in the first place. That’s why you said at the start of this thread that you just want a mom who will hold you... because you're hurting, and you need comfort and love..
Since that volcano inside you is constantly hurting and trying to erupt—but you won't let it (just like I don't)—it ends up exploding all the time. And if you can't aim that anger at other people, you end up turning it inward. You tell yourself you're stupid, that you're disgusting, that you hate yourself... because you have to dump that energy somewhere. You have to settle the chaos inside... and that cycle repeats constantly. Every time there's a trigger, every time an old memory of pain and anger resurfaces, every time you mess something up, or have a bad day, or your husband gets on your nerves, or your boss snaps at you..

So how do you actually fix it..?
By letting it all out.. honestly, it takes a massive amount of time and grit. Eventually, you might reach a point where you can look back and realize your mom just didn't know any better. You can accept her for who she was without letting her run your life anymore..
That's why people always say "you need to forgive your mother," but right now, neither you nor I am anywhere near being able to do that—nobody could be.. you have to drop the weight sitting in your heart first. Only then can you really process things and feel what's real.. and if everything works out in the end, you'll forgive her and move on, feeling lighter and way more whole than before..
But hey, who am I to lecture you? I'm just starting this journey myself... I've spent my whole life acting like a master thief, just perfecting the art of hiding my bad feelings without even realizing I was doing it...😉