Separation anxiety

Hi, everyone. I stumbled upon this forum and noticed how much you all support one another in the psychology subforum. That’s why I’m reaching out.
I’m dealing with a serious psychological hurdle. I need to go abroad for work to pick up some extra cash. But there's the catch. I've been feeling this intense internal resistance ever since the trip became a reality. Before it was even on the table, I was praying to God that it would happen. Now? I have an indescribable struggle with leaving my family. It feels like I’ve fallen into this life loop where anything attempting to pull me out of it just ends up destroying me. So, the dates keep shifting, and I’m left questioning everything... how will I manage, what will I do? My stomach knots up. I just stare at the calendar, counting the days. Look, I’m only going for 15 days. I know, you'll probably laugh, but you don't know what I'm going through. I could stay longer, but I’ve set a strict limit of 15 days—not a single day more. The job will be grueling; I'll be working every single one of those 15 days. I’m also terrified of having to handle everything myself—cooking, laundry... it seems like I've grown too used to having a woman's touch around the house. I'm not spoiled, per se, but I have this genuine phobia of living that way. I feel like a terrible example to my child, and my wife gives me these strange looks. I’m slipping into a total depression as the departure date approaches. To make matters worse, the trip is disorganized. I don't even know how I'm getting there or where I'll be staying, and that uncertainty is paralyzing. I'm the type who needs to know every detail in advance, not find out once I arrive.
Sorry if this is a bit scattered; I'm not quite sure where to start. I'm in my mid-thirties. I suppose I should mention that I'm an only child and was incredibly close to my mother, having grown up without a father since I was 11.
Thanks for reading..

It isn’t going to last forever, and it certainly won't feel like an eternity. You have a wife and a child waiting for you at home, and you're out here working hard to bring that money back to them. Just keep your eyes on the prize and focus on making it back to them safely.

Well, it is what it is.
You’ve learned how to have everything handed to you on a silver platter, and that comfort zone? It feels like a safe haven.
Maybe your mom kept you a little too close to the vest, leaving you with this lingering fear of being on your own.
Usually, kids outgrow that separation anxiety by age three.
Then again, there's puberty.
If you didn't push through that phase back then, well, here you are facing it now.
If you actually want to take that job you're dreaming about, grit your teeth and just go. You don't have the luxury of hiding behind your fears anymore. It's time to grow up.
It's time to learn how to run your own laundry, cook your own meals, and handle the bills. That's just what adults do.
Pull yourself together and get moving. You aren't going to die, and nothing bad is going to happen. Even if you mess up, you've got a place to land. Believe me, there are plenty of people who have to leave home and can never come back.
Count yourself lucky that you have a family backing you up—now it's up to you and your future career.
So, man up, step up, and do what needs to be done.
Leave those childhood fears back at your parents' house. Don't bring them to your wife; she and your kids need you to be their rock, not another person they have to carry.
It's time to grow up.

Good luck!

Look, you’re a grown man now—you shouldn't need a mom or a wife constantly hovering over you just because you're terrified of being alone.
I mean, sure, it's a little awkward when you have to head out into the unknown, meeting new people and taking on jobs in places you've never even been... but everyone goes through that phase sooner or later. It's not the end of the world, honestly. People adapt, they figure things out. You'll find a place to crash, there'll be a 7-Eleven or a grocery store nearby so you can grab a bite, you'll get your work done, and in two weeks, you're headed back home. Yeah, those first few days might feel a bit weird, but you'll survive it... Just try to look at the bright side—you're getting out there to see something new...

Thanks for the input, everyone. Honestly, I expected as much... it all just boils down to me being a little spoiled.

Carol Richardson6 said:Thanks for the input, everyone. Honestly, I expected as much... it all just boils down to me being a little spoiled.

Not quite. You were just poorly raised. No one taught you how to be independent or socialize properly. You're just fearful. Most likely, your parents were the same way.

It’s entirely possible. I grew up in a broken home, an only child. My father wasn't in the picture. My mother is flying solo now; she’s working incredibly hard just to stay afloat, but she manages... I see so much of myself in her. And seeing how much I'm struggling through all of this? She’s starting to think she made the wrong call.

Your mother raised you wrapped in a bubble of protection, constantly shielding you from every possible fear.
She likely believed she was acting in your best interest, but there comes a point where growing up becomes non-negotiable. Our parents won't be by our side forever, and maturity is going to hit whether we’re ready or not. It’s certainly better to face it sooner rather than later.

At some point, you just have to grit your teeth and push through. You do it so that one day, your own child grows up to be a confident, resilient individual—someone who isn't carrying the weight of the same patterns you were subjected to.

I understand why you feel such sympathy for her, but she’s at an age where she can't go back and undo the past or turn back the clock. You, however, have the agency to change things. You have the profound responsibility of raising a tiny, living soul, and you owe it to your child to do what is right for them.

Thanks so much for the kind words and the advice... it really means a lot to me..

It’s not even about being afraid to leave; it's more that I'm carrying this massive weight of guilt over the fact that I eventually have to move out from my mom's place. She’s a totally reasonable person, honestly, so she gets that growing up means moving on—there's no conflict there. But man, how do you actually shake that sense of guilt and the heartache that comes with it? Does anyone know what actually helps?

How old are you now, and does your mom have a partner she’s living with?
The fact that she’s actually reasonable gives you a massive leg up over people dealing with mothers who are—to put it politely—completely irrational.

Just take it one day at a time. You have to internalize the idea that you are responsible for your own life, and your mother is responsible for hers.

Terry Lopez18 said:How old are you now, and does your mom have a partner she’s living with?
The fact that she’s actually reasonable gives you a massive leg up over people dealing with mothers who are—to put it politely—completely irrational.

Just take it one day at a time. You have to internalize the idea that you are responsible for your own life, and your mother is responsible for hers.

Man, that's a whole other story. She’s reasonable, sure, but she just doesn't get me. I feel like I've spent countless hours every single day doing nothing but emotional labor. I spend my time dreaming about my grandma and my dad, and now, it looks like I'll be dreaming about my mom too. It's going to take forever to actually change how I react, which is why this community is honestly helping me so much. My grandma was a narcissist in the worst way, my dad was basically her servant, and I ended up being my mom's emotional slave. She constantly pushes guilt onto me, when the truth is she's just retreated into this role of the victim and the caregiver. As she's gotten older, she's only become more unstable in that regard. She’s always trying to mold me into someone else. I used to try to change her too, but those were just mistakes I made when I was younger. I'm pretty much over it now. I don't even know how long this healing process is going to last, especially since I grew up thinking they were all perfectly fine and that I was the one who could never do anything right.

Carol Richardson6 said:Thanks for the input, everyone. Honestly, I expected as much... it all just boils down to me being a little spoiled.

I wouldn't say that. I have a feeling there might be more going on than just that. It isn't quite that simple.
Maybe there's a hint of OCD involved, or something similar. A need for control, perhaps. A fear of uncertainty. Who knows. Honestly, diagnoses are usually overrated; most of this is perfectly normal. What I mean to say is that there is a valid reason why you feel this way, and why you're experiencing such intense resistance, and that's okay. It's not for nothing. It's likely some kind of mechanism that maybe protected you in the past, even if it doesn't serve you anymore. I guess you shouldn't suppress those feelings, but rather just experience them. You're an adult now. Things will probably turn out fine. Let us know how it goes.