Why do I keep picking the wrong people?

I’ve been looking around, but I can't find a thread quite like this, so feel free to move this if I missed it. I’m in a relationship with someone who basically has all the worst traits imaginable: he drinks too much and uses drugs pretty frequently. He grew up in a really messy household with domestic violence and an alcoholic father... It shows. He’s constantly on edge, irritable, and I’ve caught him in lies so many times. He cheated on me, he rarely keeps his word unless there’s something in it for him, and it's just constant. At first, though, everything felt perfect. He was calm, sensitive, and actually made an effort to understand me. Everything seemed fine. We spent almost every waking moment together from day one, and honestly, we started experimenting with stuff together early on and were having fun, getting along well... until the cheating happened. He begged for another chance, and I gave it to him, but naturally, I became paranoid. I’d snap at him whenever he even touched his phone. Then, about a month ago, he started getting drunk almost every single day. He turned aggressive—insulting me, swearing at me, just being the absolute worst. It’s become this endless cycle where he gets aggressive, I end up in tears, and then he just laughs at me for crying. He claims I'm driving him crazy by not trusting him, acting like my suspicion is totally baseless. Eventually, it escalated to him hitting me. I’ve had bruises on my arms and legs more often than I’d like to admit. But despite the daily insults and the physical abuse, I just can't seem to leave him. That’s the real issue. I keep clinging to those good moments, even though they're getting rare, and I keep thinking about how he was at the start. I keep hoping he’ll stop behaving this way, but it feels like no matter what I do, he'll always find something to complain about. And I've heard stories that he was just like this with his exes, too... I don't know how to fix this part of myself—this urge to try and "repair" someone instead of refusing to be humiliated. I feel like I can endure anything; I've never actually walked away from anyone, no matter how they treated me. I know that's not healthy, but I can't help it. I just really want to finally be able to end a relationship like this.

Joshua Long62 said:I’ve been looking around, but I can't find a thread quite like this, so feel free to move this if I missed it. I’m in a relationship with someone who basically has all the worst traits imaginable: he drinks too much and uses drugs pretty frequently. He grew up in a really messy household with domestic violence and an alcoholic father... It shows. He’s constantly on edge, irritable, and I’ve caught him in lies so many times. He cheated on me, he rarely keeps his word unless there’s something in it for him, and it's just constant. At first, though, everything felt perfect. He was calm, sensitive, and actually made an effort to understand me. Everything seemed fine. We spent almost every waking moment together from day one, and honestly, we started experimenting with stuff together early on and were having fun, getting along well... until the cheating happened. He begged for another chance, and I gave it to him, but naturally, I became paranoid. I’d snap at him whenever he even touched his phone. Then, about a month ago, he started getting drunk almost every single day. He turned aggressive—insulting me, swearing at me, just being the absolute worst. It’s become this endless cycle where he gets aggressive, I end up in tears, and then he just laughs at me for crying. He claims I'm driving him crazy by not trusting him, acting like my suspicion is totally baseless. Eventually, it escalated to him hitting me. I’ve had bruises on my arms and legs more often than I’d like to admit. But despite the daily insults and the physical abuse, I just can't seem to leave him. That’s the real issue. I keep clinging to those good moments, even though they're getting rare, and I keep thinking about how he was at the start. I keep hoping he’ll stop behaving this way, but it feels like no matter what I do, he'll always find something to complain about. And I've heard stories that he was just like this with his exes, too... I don't know how to fix this part of myself—this urge to try and "repair" someone instead of refusing to be humiliated. I feel like I can endure anything; I've never actually walked away from anyone, no matter how they treated me. I know that's not healthy, but I can't help it. I just really want to finally be able to end a relationship like this.

Look, if you truly want to end it, you will succeed. But if you aren't absolutely firm in that decision, you are looking at endless circles of hell with him. I know it isn't easy—because believe me, I've been there and done that—but whether you believe it or not, life moves forward with much more interesting and constructive people if you decide to prioritize change. First, you change for the better, and later, you learn how to stay kind to yourself.

Sometimes, walking away from a toxic relationship is actually harder than staying in a good one. Between the trauma bonding and those repetitive patterns, it gets complicated. But honestly, leaving is the only way out. It’s really the first real step toward healing. From there, it’s all about going no-contact and getting some solid help from a therapist to work through it.

Joshua Long62 said:I’ve been looking around, but I can't find a thread quite like this, so feel free to move this if I missed it. I’m in a relationship with someone who basically has all the worst traits imaginable: he drinks too much and uses drugs pretty frequently. He grew up in a really messy household with domestic violence and an alcoholic father... It shows. He’s constantly on edge, irritable, and I’ve caught him in lies so many times. He cheated on me, he rarely keeps his word unless there’s something in it for him, and it's just constant. At first, though, everything felt perfect. He was calm, sensitive, and actually made an effort to understand me. Everything seemed fine. We spent almost every waking moment together from day one, and honestly, we started experimenting with stuff together early on and were having fun, getting along well... until the cheating happened. He begged for another chance, and I gave it to him, but naturally, I became paranoid. I’d snap at him whenever he even touched his phone. Then, about a month ago, he started getting drunk almost every single day. He turned aggressive—insulting me, swearing at me, just being the absolute worst. It’s become this endless cycle where he gets aggressive, I end up in tears, and then he just laughs at me for crying. He claims I'm driving him crazy by not trusting him, acting like my suspicion is totally baseless. Eventually, it escalated to him hitting me. I’ve had bruises on my arms and legs more often than I’d like to admit. But despite the daily insults and the physical abuse, I just can't seem to leave him. That’s the real issue. I keep clinging to those good moments, even though they're getting rare, and I keep thinking about how he was at the start. I keep hoping he’ll stop behaving this way, but it feels like no matter what I do, he'll always find something to complain about. And I've heard stories that he was just like this with his exes, too... I don't know how to fix this part of myself—this urge to try and "repair" someone instead of refusing to be humiliated. I feel like I can endure anything; I've never actually walked away from anyone, no matter how they treated me. I know that's not healthy, but I can't help it. I just really want to finally be able to end a relationship like this.

There are certain things in a relationship you just shouldn't tolerate. It's usually where our own masochistic tendencies kick in. Like, "He cheated, but I'll forgive him because our love is so deep." Or, "He hit me, but whatever, it happens—when he hugs me later, it feels amazing and we make up with great sex, so everything is fine again."
It's this internal tug-of-war. One part of you is being realistic and sees that things are going south, that the relationship isn't making you happy, that you're suffering, or even being abused. The other part is just weak and vulnerable—it feels lost and threatened by the idea of turning a new page or setting firm boundaries. So instead, it accepts the bad stuff out of fear, or this deep-seated belief that nothing better exists, or that you're losing something massive, even if that "something" is just a collection of beatings and old, faded memories.

It's a pathology. It's obvious to everyone else, and it's obvious to you too, it's just incredibly hard to face. Once you accept the cheating or the hitting, you've essentially made peace with it. You think you're okay until he's actually knocking your teeth out or breaking your bones—then you think, "Okay, that's enough, I'm taking action." But most of the time? You won't.

Look, they say people attract their own kind of chaos. Someone craving attention finds someone who offers a temporary, hollow version of it, finding a fake sense of salvation in their arms without realizing it's an illusion. A partner isn't supposed to be there just to hug us, coddle us, and fix our insecurities—they're supposed to complement us. Once that ideal breaks (through cheating or a rough patch), all those deep-seated wounds surface: the fear of abandonment, the fear of change, the fear of being alone, the loss of self-esteem... Suddenly, the relationship becomes a pathology (even if it was always secretly part of one, we just didn't see it during the "honeymoon phase"). If you have masochistic traits and low self-esteem, you'll fall into the victim role. You'll accept losing yourself, the insults, the violence—any stupid excuse to stay in a relationship that is utterly destructive. Honestly, think about how ridiculous it sounds to use "good memories" as a reason to stay in a toxic mess. It's like if someone told you, "Hey, go kneel in a field of thorns just because we had a nice dinner once." You wouldn't do it, right? Because it hurts and it makes zero sense. But in a relationship, you hope for better. You desperately try to get back to "how it used to be" in a situation that has no future. It's completely irrational, and it's exactly what keeps people trapped in these cycles. He cheats, and she's just relieved he even came home, cooking his meals and cleaning up after him in the hopes that one day he'll magically realize how wonderful she is and they'll live happily ever after... or maybe she thinks she's just being selfish or disrespectful, and he stays because he's addicted to her presence, even if it means being belittled... and so it goes...

Look, you don't need any more excuses—you’ve gotta realize this is entirely about you. There’s a deep-seated reason why you’re okay with being hurt and physically abused, and it's something rooted deep inside... I honestly think you don't have a choice but to walk away from this relationship. And trust me, once you start addressing that pattern, nothing can stop you. Every relationship evolves over time, and nobody ever stays in that honeymoon phase forever. That was just a moment in time... it was great while it lasted, but if it isn't working now and it's making you miserable, there's really no point in beating a dead horse

Joshua Long62 said:I’ve been looking around, but I can't find a thread quite like this, so feel free to move this if I missed it. I’m in a relationship with someone who basically has all the worst traits imaginable: he drinks too much and uses drugs pretty frequently. He grew up in a really messy household with domestic violence and an alcoholic father... It shows. He’s constantly on edge, irritable, and I’ve caught him in lies so many times. He cheated on me, he rarely keeps his word unless there’s something in it for him, and it's just constant. At first, though, everything felt perfect. He was calm, sensitive, and actually made an effort to understand me. Everything seemed fine. We spent almost every waking moment together from day one, and honestly, we started experimenting with stuff together early on and were having fun, getting along well... until the cheating happened. He begged for another chance, and I gave it to him, but naturally, I became paranoid. I’d snap at him whenever he even touched his phone. Then, about a month ago, he started getting drunk almost every single day. He turned aggressive—insulting me, swearing at me, just being the absolute worst. It’s become this endless cycle where he gets aggressive, I end up in tears, and then he just laughs at me for crying. He claims I'm driving him crazy by not trusting him, acting like my suspicion is totally baseless. Eventually, it escalated to him hitting me. I’ve had bruises on my arms and legs more often than I’d like to admit. But despite the daily insults and the physical abuse, I just can't seem to leave him. That’s the real issue. I keep clinging to those good moments, even though they're getting rare, and I keep thinking about how he was at the start. I keep hoping he’ll stop behaving this way, but it feels like no matter what I do, he'll always find something to complain about. And I've heard stories that he was just like this with his exes, too... I don't know how to fix this part of myself—this urge to try and "repair" someone instead of refusing to be humiliated. I feel like I can endure anything; I've never actually walked away from anyone, no matter how they treated me. I know that's not healthy, but I can't help it. I just really want to finally be able to end a relationship like this.

There really isn't anything beautiful left in that situation. The version of him you are holding onto at the beginning never actually existed; this is the reality of who he is. Breaking free from such a destructive dynamic is notoriously difficult, but the solution is actually quite straightforward, even if it is one of the hardest things to execute: you decide to leave him, and you stick to it. No more communication. No more false hope. You simply accept the reality of how terrible he is and acknowledge the depth of the hurt he has caused you. There is no future where you "fix" him. Love yourself and respect yourself; that is the priority. Once you do that, finding someone who will love you the right way becomes much easier.

Good luck. :*

Things are only going to get worse from here. He’s never going to go back to being that person you first met, because honestly, he was never actually that person to begin with. It’s highly likely he was just playing a part to win you over—if he had shown his true colors right out of the gate, you never would have given him a chance in the first place.
Do yourself a favor and read up on psychopathy; it might help make everything click into place.

We broke up, and he’s already moved on to someone else. I won't even get into what she's like, but I can just say she seems to be exactly his type—basically the absolute bottom of the barrel for women, if you ask me. But honestly, I still have this weird urge to look out for him. I spend half the night wondering where he is, what he's doing, or who he's with. I don't know how to just stop caring about him.

Joshua Long62 said:We broke up, and he’s already moved on to someone else. I won't even get into what she's like, but I can just say she seems to be exactly his type—basically the absolute bottom of the barrel for women, if you ask me. But honestly, I still have this weird urge to look out for him. I spend half the night wondering where he is, what he's doing, or who he's with. I don't know how to just stop caring about him.

Start focusing on yourself. Where does that impulse come from? Did you grow up having to play savior to one of your parents? Something like that.
Once you start digging into your own psychology, these fantasies about "saving" people will vanish. You'll actually feel sick once you realize why you were drawn to it in the first place.
And honestly, be glad he found someone else. At least he left you alone.
Go check out the threads on domestic abuse; you'll see just how close you came to ending up in a truly dangerous situation.

boldnomad45 said:Start focusing on yourself. Where does that impulse come from? Did you grow up having to play savior to one of your parents? Something like that.
Once you start digging into your own psychology, these fantasies about "saving" people will vanish. You'll actually feel sick once you realize why you were drawn to it in the first place.
And honestly, be glad he found someone else. At least he left you alone.
Go check out the threads on domestic abuse; you'll see just how close you came to ending up in a truly dangerous situation.

My dad left when I was a kid, and they actually have a lot in common—he's a pretty bad person too... I guess maybe there's a connection there. It seems like whenever a guy tries to walk away from me, I just get even more desperate and feel like I'd do anything just to make him stay.

Joshua Long62 said:I’ve been looking around, but I can't find a thread quite like this, so feel free to move this if I missed it. I’m in a relationship with someone who basically has all the worst traits imaginable: he drinks too much and uses drugs pretty frequently. He grew up in a really messy household with domestic violence and an alcoholic father... It shows. He’s constantly on edge, irritable, and I’ve caught him in lies so many times. He cheated on me, he rarely keeps his word unless there’s something in it for him, and it's just constant. At first, though, everything felt perfect. He was calm, sensitive, and actually made an effort to understand me. Everything seemed fine. We spent almost every waking moment together from day one, and honestly, we started experimenting with stuff together early on and were having fun, getting along well... until the cheating happened. He begged for another chance, and I gave it to him, but naturally, I became paranoid. I’d snap at him whenever he even touched his phone. Then, about a month ago, he started getting drunk almost every single day. He turned aggressive—insulting me, swearing at me, just being the absolute worst. It’s become this endless cycle where he gets aggressive, I end up in tears, and then he just laughs at me for crying. He claims I'm driving him crazy by not trusting him, acting like my suspicion is totally baseless. Eventually, it escalated to him hitting me. I’ve had bruises on my arms and legs more often than I’d like to admit. But despite the daily insults and the physical abuse, I just can't seem to leave him. That’s the real issue. I keep clinging to those good moments, even though they're getting rare, and I keep thinking about how he was at the start. I keep hoping he’ll stop behaving this way, but it feels like no matter what I do, he'll always find something to complain about. And I've heard stories that he was just like this with his exes, too... I don't know how to fix this part of myself—this urge to try and "repair" someone instead of refusing to be humiliated. I feel like I can endure anything; I've never actually walked away from anyone, no matter how they treated me. I know that's not healthy, but I can't help it. I just really want to finally be able to end a relationship like this.

How long has this been going on?

Are you financially tied to him, such as through a mortgage, or do you have children together?

Is it the fear of being alone or the fear of never finding someone else?

What is your primary fear?

Joshua Long62 said:My dad left when I was a kid, and they actually have a lot in common—he's a pretty bad person too... I guess maybe there's a connection there. It seems like whenever a guy tries to walk away from me, I just get even more desperate and feel like I'd do anything just to make him stay.

Look, maybe take it easy and go see a therapist. It might be worth sitting down and working through all of this.

Daniel Kelly57 said:Look, maybe take it easy and go see a therapist. It might be worth sitting down and working through all of this.

You mean psychotherapist. And most of us could probably use one right about now.

Joshua Long62 said:We broke up, and he’s already moved on to someone else. I won't even get into what she's like, but I can just say she seems to be exactly his type—basically the absolute bottom of the barrel for women, if you ask me. But honestly, I still have this weird urge to look out for him. I spend half the night wondering where he is, what he's doing, or who he's with. I don't know how to just stop caring about him.

That "need" you feel for anyone is just pure rationalization. It's an ego defense mechanism you're using to protect yourself.

You don't need to be Freud to see exactly what's going on here based on what you wrote. It's fear of rejection. The origin story might be obvious, but honestly, it doesn't even matter right now. The biggest and most vital step is just admitting it and facing the music, then actually dealing with yourself. And that's the hardest thing any human being can do.
Psychotherapy is really just a fancy word for that confrontation.

Nancy Lee84 said:That "need" you feel for anyone is just pure rationalization. It's an ego defense mechanism you're using to protect yourself.

You don't need to be Freud to see exactly what's going on here based on what you wrote. It's fear of rejection. The origin story might be obvious, but honestly, it doesn't even matter right now. The biggest and most vital step is just admitting it and facing the music, then actually dealing with yourself. And that's the hardest thing any human being can do.
Psychotherapy is really just a fancy word for that confrontation.

She can't face anything while there's still a beast looming over her shoulder. Like Mao said—sometimes a kick in the butt is the only way to move forward. ☕

Joshua Long62 said:My dad left when I was a kid, and they actually have a lot in common—he's a pretty bad person too... I guess maybe there's a connection there. It seems like whenever a guy tries to walk away from me, I just get even more desperate and feel like I'd do anything just to make him stay.

Well, there’s the connection right there. Your dad—where you ended up taking all the blame on yourself, thinking as a little kid that you were somehow at fault for him leaving. Most kids naturally shoulder the blame for their parents' marriage falling apart because, let’s face it, all a child wants is for Mom and Dad to be there and love them. When they aren't, the kid feels abandoned and starts believing they just weren't good enough to earn that parental love. Kids struggle to grasp the idea that parents can just not get along and end up divorcing, especially if the parents don't know how to explain it to them in a way that actually makes sense.

Why am I talking about blame? Because when we feel guilty about something, we tend to compromise our own principles—we swallow our pride, bow down, and basically degrade ourselves just to show someone how sorry we are. And besides the guilt, there's fear, obviously. Like, you don't want to lose a friend or someone you rely on, so that fear and guilt combined usually make us wonder if we messed up, leading us to apologize even when maybe we shouldn't. If that fear and guilt get too overwhelming, you kind of lose touch with reality. You might find yourself apologizing to someone who doesn't even deserve it, just because your own fear forces you to take the fall. It’s a really destructive cycle...

Losing your father triggers this massive, existential fear in you that's still hanging around today, probably because you haven't fully processed it. There’s also that deep sense of guilt, and maybe some self-doubt, if you feel like you can't keep a partner or make things work. That’s why you can't handle a breakup, no matter how toxic the guy is. Better a bad partner than no partner at all, right? So, that inner child in you is working overtime to "earn Dad's love"—which basically translates to trying to hold onto a man at any cost. That’s likely the psychology keeping you stuck in these bad relationships. It might even be why you gravitate toward certain types of people or fall for empty attention; you're essentially starving for that fatherly love, still mourning him and looking for him in every guy you meet...😉
Maybe sit with those thoughts for a bit—think about what you actually feel toward your dad, what scared you, what you went through after he left, and how much all that shaped your definition of love and what you look for in a partner. Does the pain you feel in your relationships have anything to do with the pain from losing your dad? Are you actually looking for a partner to share a life with, or are you just searching for a substitute for him?

Donna White50 said:Well, there’s the connection right there. Your dad—where you ended up taking all the blame on yourself, thinking as a little kid that you were somehow at fault for him leaving. Most kids naturally shoulder the blame for their parents' marriage falling apart because, let’s face it, all a child wants is for Mom and Dad to be there and love them. When they aren't, the kid feels abandoned and starts believing they just weren't good enough to earn that parental love. Kids struggle to grasp the idea that parents can just not get along and end up divorcing, especially if the parents don't know how to explain it to them in a way that actually makes sense.

Why am I talking about blame? Because when we feel guilty about something, we tend to compromise our own principles—we swallow our pride, bow down, and basically degrade ourselves just to show someone how sorry we are. And besides the guilt, there's fear, obviously. Like, you don't want to lose a friend or someone you rely on, so that fear and guilt combined usually make us wonder if we messed up, leading us to apologize even when maybe we shouldn't. If that fear and guilt get too overwhelming, you kind of lose touch with reality. You might find yourself apologizing to someone who doesn't even deserve it, just because your own fear forces you to take the fall. It’s a really destructive cycle...

Losing your father triggers this massive, existential fear in you that's still hanging around today, probably because you haven't fully processed it. There’s also that deep sense of guilt, and maybe some self-doubt, if you feel like you can't keep a partner or make things work. That’s why you can't handle a breakup, no matter how toxic the guy is. Better a bad partner than no partner at all, right? So, that inner child in you is working overtime to "earn Dad's love"—which basically translates to trying to hold onto a man at any cost. That’s likely the psychology keeping you stuck in these bad relationships. It might even be why you gravitate toward certain types of people or fall for empty attention; you're essentially starving for that fatherly love, still mourning him and looking for him in every guy you meet...😉
Maybe sit with those thoughts for a bit—think about what you actually feel toward your dad, what scared you, what you went through after he left, and how much all that shaped your definition of love and what you look for in a partner. Does the pain you feel in your relationships have anything to do with the pain from losing your dad? Are you actually looking for a partner to share a life with, or are you just searching for a substitute for him?

I was only four when he left, so I don't really have specific memories or feelings tied to it. As the years went by, I just grew used to him not being there. It sounds weird, but it just became my normal. Honestly, it might have felt even stranger if he had suddenly shown up. I don't even know what having a father actually feels like... But yeah, I guess in every relationship there's this underlying fear of being left alone and feeling like I won't find anyone else after that.

Joshua Long62 said:I was only four when he left, so I don't really have specific memories or feelings tied to it. As the years went by, I just grew used to him not being there. It sounds weird, but it just became my normal. Honestly, it might have felt even stranger if he had suddenly shown up. I don't even know what having a father actually feels like... But yeah, I guess in every relationship there's this underlying fear of being left alone and feeling like I won't find anyone else after that.

A four-year-old isn't exactly "too small" to feel that loss, even if you can't recall the specifics at the time. Plus, growing up realizing all the other kids had dads while you didn't... that definitely shapes who you become.
I deal with that fear of being alone too, mostly because I've never really had anyone I could lean on. It's a heavy thing to carry around, and it tends to take over everything when things get rough. Realizing that is the first step, though. I'm with my boyfriend right now, and honestly, I put up with a lot just because I'm terrified of being lonely or rejected. So, you end up staying with someone because of your own fears and old wounds rather than actual love... You really have to dig into that part of yourself—work on it, figure out what triggers those feelings, and try to talk yourself through it logically...

Joshua Long62 said:I was only four when he left, so I don't really have specific memories or feelings tied to it. As the years went by, I just grew used to him not being there. It sounds weird, but it just became my normal. Honestly, it might have felt even stranger if he had suddenly shown up. I don't even know what having a father actually feels like... But yeah, I guess in every relationship there's this underlying fear of being left alone and feeling like I won't find anyone else after that.

The foundation is built during those first three years. You don't even realize how deep those roots go.
For healthy development to occur, certain conditions have to be met. Maturity isn't an automatic process; it requires specific types of interaction between a caregiver and a child. When those necessary conditions aren't met—when you deal with harmful environments involving aggression, yelling, neglect, emotional coldness, or total absence—that natural development gets stunted. A child in those circumstances can't reach their full potential. From the outside, we see behavioral issues in children and later in adults. On the inside, that child carries insecurity and emotional pain. They struggle to regulate themselves after being upset, they carry a damaged self-image, and at a core level, they feel unworthy. It manifests as difficulty navigating social interactions, emotional bonds, and even reaching their intellectual potential..."

And the mother was likely dealing with her own fallout from the breakup and everything leading up to it.
So, you have work to do. Instead of focusing on everyone else, turn that focus inward.

Joshua Long62 said:I’ve been looking around, but I can't find a thread quite like this, so feel free to move this if I missed it. I’m in a relationship with someone who basically has all the worst traits imaginable: he drinks too much and uses drugs pretty frequently. He grew up in a really messy household with domestic violence and an alcoholic father... It shows. He’s constantly on edge, irritable, and I’ve caught him in lies so many times. He cheated on me, he rarely keeps his word unless there’s something in it for him, and it's just constant. At first, though, everything felt perfect. He was calm, sensitive, and actually made an effort to understand me. Everything seemed fine. We spent almost every waking moment together from day one, and honestly, we started experimenting with stuff together early on and were having fun, getting along well... until the cheating happened. He begged for another chance, and I gave it to him, but naturally, I became paranoid. I’d snap at him whenever he even touched his phone. Then, about a month ago, he started getting drunk almost every single day. He turned aggressive—insulting me, swearing at me, just being the absolute worst. It’s become this endless cycle where he gets aggressive, I end up in tears, and then he just laughs at me for crying. He claims I'm driving him crazy by not trusting him, acting like my suspicion is totally baseless. Eventually, it escalated to him hitting me. I’ve had bruises on my arms and legs more often than I’d like to admit. But despite the daily insults and the physical abuse, I just can't seem to leave him. That’s the real issue. I keep clinging to those good moments, even though they're getting rare, and I keep thinking about how he was at the start. I keep hoping he’ll stop behaving this way, but it feels like no matter what I do, he'll always find something to complain about. And I've heard stories that he was just like this with his exes, too... I don't know how to fix this part of myself—this urge to try and "repair" someone instead of refusing to be humiliated. I feel like I can endure anything; I've never actually walked away from anyone, no matter how they treated me. I know that's not healthy, but I can't help it. I just really want to finally be able to end a relationship like this.

Just consider this:
- You might be a masochist.
- You play the victim.
- Maybe you’ve even got a bit of Stockholm Syndrome going on—meaning you're just starving for attention.
- If you're actually that desperate for notice, it means your self-esteem is pretty much non-existent.
- You have this pathological need to play the hero and save someone or something.

Take a look at those traits. See which ones actually hit home, then decide what you need to work on to "build" a better version of yourself.
At the end of the day, nobody can fix your personality for you. It’s all on you.

Good luck.

Joshua Long62 said:We broke up, and he’s already moved on to someone else. I won't even get into what she's like, but I can just say she seems to be exactly his type—basically the absolute bottom of the barrel for women, if you ask me. But honestly, I still have this weird urge to look out for him. I spend half the night wondering where he is, what he's doing, or who he's with. I don't know how to just stop caring about him.

Radical Change gave some really thoughtful responses there. You might want to look into the concept of codependency—that bolded part above is exactly what I'm talking about. Honestly, be glad you finally broke things off and let him move on with his life... Maybe the hardest part is just admitting to yourself that things went sideways. It’s easy to tell yourself you were just doing the right thing—trying to save him, playing the hero—but that can be a bit of a trap. There are certain ideas—well, they aren't even really theories, it's just how it works—about how people in these cycles satisfy their own needs, and how there's often an element of control involved, even when the other person is clearly the "bad guy." Just try to stay strong and focus on moving forward instead of worrying about where he is or what he's up to. It’s kind of sweet that you care, but maybe try channeling all that energy back toward yourself? You already know where that urge to rescue people comes from... just turn inward. If you need to, reach out for some professional help and cut ties completely—even when that urge to check in hits you hard. Especially if you aren't tied to him through finances, housing, or anything like that.