Windows 8 issues?

So, I fired up my laptop today—it’s only been turned on maybe four times since I bought it last week.
And here we go. It says "Working on updates. 100% complete. Do not turn off your computer." It isn't some error message; looks like just another one of those Windows quirks. For what it's worth, I'm using an HP.
It’s been stuck like this for a good hour or two now. And honestly—even if I shut it down and restart, it just loops right back to this. That little spinning icon keeps going, but nothing actually happens. What am I supposed to do?

Try booting into Safe Mode. When you power it down and turn it back on, tap the F8 key to pull up the menu and select Safe Mode. If it bypasses the menu and starts loading Windows, shut it down again and hit F8 immediately. Keep repeating that until the menu actually appears.
Once you're in Safe Mode, try running a System Restore; it might fix the issue, or you could just try a simple restart to see if luck is on your side.
If a System Restore works, try installing the updates one by one rather than all at once. You also need to make sure you upgrade to 8.1 eventually.

I know I'm not offering much here, but using F8 to get into Safe Mode seems like your only shot right now. 🙂

He just keeps hitting F8 with me—whereas F10 drops him right into the BIOS, which I don't even get.

It would be incredibly helpful if you could shed some light on what exactly we're discussing here... whether it's a washing machine, a coffee grinder, or perhaps a specific computer model...

Otherwise, we might just end up concluding that F8 safe mode isn't available on every single PC, unlike my own setup...

My apologies, that was my mistake. I wasn't aware that F8 doesn't work on Windows 8.🙂
I did some digging online, and it looks like you're going to need an installation DVD.
Here is the link; you'll need to follow method 2: