Laura Castillo6
Active Member
238 messages
joined Sep 2016
"Do you like sex? Then you're a wicked girl."
The big mistake people make when thinking about hallucinations is assuming that everything the brain registers is just a fake image. It’s not quite like that. For instance, if you see those birds, seeing them isn't the hallucination itself; rather, the hallucination is the way the brain twists the actual properties of what's happening. I remember once feeling like I was being tracked through my laptop. In reality, I *was* on my laptop, but nobody was actually stalking me through the webcam like I was absolutely convinced during the onset of my symptoms.
It's the same deal with sexual hallucinations. I had this unshakable conviction that I had to get certain women pregnant—women I actually knew. It wasn't just a passing thought; it was a rock-solid belief. I remember lying in bed one night and having this vivid illusion that I was having sex with one of them. It felt "real," too—the sensations were incredible. Unfortunately, those kinds of hallucinations always ended abruptly for me. My brain would just pivot immediately to the next thing, jumping from one hallucination to the next.
At the same time, other things were happening in my life. Right before things started spiraling into psychosis, I met this incredibly gorgeous woman. On a scale of 1 to 10, she was a 10+—I'm talking looks, beauty, brains, and talent all rolled into one. She was seriously gifted. But, as life often goes, I developed this totally unrealistic sense of self-confidence (during my psychosis, the only time I ever felt fear was when I was dealing with negative hallucinations), but otherwise, I felt invincible. I approached her without any hesitation and somehow managed to get her number by asking her dad directly. But then, reality hit hard. I ended up in a psychiatric ward. When I got out, I found out she had already jumped into a relationship with someone else (someone she might have met just before me). I can't shake it from my head because my brain convinced me it was only a matter of time before she became my wife. 😁
So, much like with your birds, that girl is a real person, and she really is as amazing as I described. But the hallucination is the idea that she's my future wife or that we're actually together. 🙂
Hopefully, you understand a bit better now why these experiences feel so intense for most people dealing with psychosis, and why people tend to attach such supernatural significance to these hallucinations.