Posts by Roger Hall15

Anonymous said:I am in a complete mess, totally stuck with drugs, and now I’ve been undergoing outpatient treatment under medical supervision for quite a while, but honestly, I feel like this is worse than when I was actually using and out on the streets. I’m taking 18 heptanones, the antidepressant CITALON, and the sedative Prazine; before that, along with the heptanones, I was taking ZAN to sleep and 10mg of Apaurin—five tablets a day. Back then, it was just heroin, but knowing the risks of HIV and Hepatitis is really the only reason I started seeking treatment. During my last overdose, when the paramedics were reviving me right there on the street in the middle of the city, I told them I’d had enough and that I wanted to go into rehab, but I don't know... all these medications affect my brain so intensely that it's terrifying. I feel like a lab rat being experimented on with different drugs until they finally stumble upon the right combination for me.

Hey,

DON'T THROW IT ALL IN THE TRASH! Sorry for shouting, but just hearing the word Prazine makes my hair stand on end. If you haven't been on it long, toss it all immediately, but if you've been using it for a while, you need to start tapering off slowly.
I have no idea how many heptanones you need or how they make a person feel; that's something only you can know, so trust your gut and do what you think is best.
As for antidepressants, I know it takes a really long time for them to actually kick in, and you really need one good antidepressant to pull through. Whether the one you're currently taking is any good—I honestly don't know. Unfortunately, you have to stay on them (this one or another one) for a long time before you can truly see results.
I also think you need something for calming down. You have plenty of options there, and your doctor chose Apaurin. It isn't necessarily the best or the only choice, but maybe it will help.
With things meant for calming you down, you usually find out pretty quickly whether they work for you or not; if they don't, ask for something else. If they won't budge, go see a different doctor.

Look, regarding the heptanones, just trust yourself. You can handle this. Aside from the heptanones (is there anything else?), if you can get a solid antidepressant and a good anxiolytic, you’ll make it out. Just watch yourself closely and pay attention to your reactions—are you feeling edgy, restless, panicky? How is your sleep?

Hang in there, observe how these meds affect you, keep working on yourself, and you will get through this! 👍 This is a battle you can win! 👍

Good luck!

Laura Kelly91 said:Hey, well, that’s just fantastic news—really glad to hear it! It happened much faster than expected, which is honestly such a relief.
Now, if I could just offer a little word for Melissa Kim45 and everyone else out there dealing with similar struggles. I know firsthand just how incredibly draining it is to try and manage aging parents while simultaneously trying to keep your own head above water when everyone is constantly pushed to their breaking point... It’s an exhausting tightrope walk for them, and frankly, it's just as hard on us. For instance, I have the hardest time even convincing my dad to take a single pill; he tends to stay silent when he's hurting, so I’m always left playing detective, trying to guess how much pain he’s actually in or whether he can tough it out. He almost never admits to being in pain, but when he finally does, you know it’s serious. He was never the type to ever take medication, so now, when we bring him his propolis capsules, he starts getting agitated, and once he sees the whole bottle, he just completely loses it.🙂 Though, I suppose it isn't always like that.
Anyway, we really have to look after ourselves, because if we fall apart, we aren't any good to anyone, including ourselves. I’ve actually been thinking about finding a decent psychologist lately, because I feel like I'm right on the edge... Sometimes I don't even know what to do with myself, and it’s starting to take a toll on my relationship... not to mention everything else going on.
I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance that this is all somewhat normal, you know, when you find yourself caught up in a situation like mine. I worry about how I'll hold up if Dad's condition takes a turn for the worse and we hit that absolute worst-case scenario, especially after losing Mom... But still, we’ve started the B17 therapy, and I’m holding onto hope—not expecting a miracle, obviously, but just hoping maybe the progression slows down enough for his body to get a bit of strength back so he can handle things more independently...
Best!

The stress just drains you right out of your bones; before all of this started unfolding and before I began reading through your stories here, I couldn't have even imagined how much both the illness and the treatment itself tear a person down, both physically and mentally. It’s a grueling ordeal for the patients and for those of us standing by them.

My grandmother (my mom's mother) passed away from cancer, and even though I was already halfway through college when it all went down, I often wonder why I don't have those kinds of memories etched in my mind the way I do with everything I'm going through with Mom right now.
People say my grandmother had a much stronger spirit than she did and that she was just a different kind of person altogether, though it might also be that I've subconsciously filtered my memories.
Or perhaps I was just too wrapped up in my own world at the time.🤷

Elizabeth Gonzalez55, I'm pulling for you. You all are fighting such a heavy battle. 🙂
Never, ever, ever—not even once—should you lose hope. 🙂

I'm going to fix the Princess a light dinner so she can watch Big Brother😁 in peace, while I head out for a bit to clear my head with a walk.

Take care, everyone! 👋

brightgardener8 said:Look, don't feel awkward about just unloading everything that's weighing you down right here. We all get it. I find myself venting to my sister, then she vents to me... it’s just this endless cycle every single day. When I’m out with friends, I rarely bring up Mom; if I do, it’s just passing comments. I don't really expect them to grasp what I'm actually going through—unless they've dealt with something similar themselves—and honestly, it helps me to focus on something else for a while.
Every time I see Mom lately, it feels like an absolute test of my mental endurance.
She’s been diabetic for twenty years now, and even the Dexcom sensors she uses seem to be failing because her blood sugar keeps spiking, yet she just stuffs herself with whatever food is within reach. She’s completely obsessed with eating. Lunch isn't even over before she's already planning dinner. She actually sneaks food in her own house. And don't even get me started on the desserts... You can only imagine how impossible it’s going to be to manage her diet during this holiday season. It’s just exhausting. I try to explain things to her, but what’s the point? She doesn't understand anything anyway. Her sugar hits 20 even while she's on insulin therapy, and she just shrugs it off, saying, "It's not that high." Then she'll get up in the middle of the night to make some grits—though she barely knows how to cook anymore, so she ends up hiding the evidence of her mishaps in the oven.
I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep my cool. I want to be a good daughter and not show my frustration in front of her, but it's just so incredibly difficult. I'm not a machine.

I feel exactly the same way.

One day, she solemnly placed a face cream on the table and asked me if I could tell her what it was actually used for.😁

I managed to pull some vacation time together, so I'll have almost a full week to catch up on my own backlog and maybe try to pamper her a little bit too. I don't think I'll get any more time off before Easter, which seems like it's coming way too early next year.

And I am definitely going to catch up on sleep.🙂 😁 🙂

Angela Wright said:The "A NEW DAY" association for people battling cancer, along with their families and friends, is officially up and running as of today!🙂

Honestly, I’m so happy I could just cry about it.

Huge congratulations! 👍 🙂 🎉

Here's to a new day! 👍

Nancy Hernandez43 said:No matter how harmless you think all this stress is—unfortunately—you really need to watch yourself. I haven't gone to get checked out yet to see if the stress triggered diabetes or anything, but more importantly, my dad is finally doing okay. He’s recovered from everything, and we can all finally breathe again.
Around here, nobody is going to judge you for being soft or emotional because, at the end of the day... we're all just here to support you and offer some advice. Hang in there! Kisses.

It honestly helps me seeing stuff like this. 🙂
The same goes for me; it makes things easier when I look at people like them (which is sort of what Angela Wright was getting at earlier)—seeing those two, and everyone else who went through the absolute worst of it—they're still here, they survived, they pushed through, they're still fighting, and they stayed right here with us, even though I'm sure it hasn't been easy.
Having all of you here makes it easier for me, too. 🙂

My girl just snatched a painkiller from me. It felt suspicious how overly polite she was about asking for it, and then she practically ripped it right out of my hand while I was handing it over.
Saying she loves her pills isn't an exaggeration.🙄
Now she's already eyeing two more to help her sleep.🙄
She gets small tranquilizers now; that's plenty for her. I stopped giving her Haldol a long time ago, and now I'm slowly tapering off the Vacation, too. Those heavy-duty meds are just total garbage.👎

And I have to count out the cotton swabs before bed. 😁

Ladies, may God watch over you all. 🙂

Angela Wright said:Just clear all that noise out of your head and tackle things one by one the best way you know how. You aren't some saint capable of working miracles, and you certainly aren't God, so you can't just go around changing people or the course of fate. What happened, happened, and while I know that’s not exactly a warm hug, you’ll adapt to everything—even the stuff that feels like the absolute worst right now, trust me. So don't be afraid; instead, just lean into that version of yourself you haven't even fully met yet.

🙂

Yeah, it is a comfort. Well, maybe it isn't, but it kind of is. There are moments when I feel like I am losing my mind completely, and I can't talk to anyone because they're bored with it, or they don't remember, or they just don't care, or it's all too much work for them.
Honestly, I really have no idea how anyone manages to tolerate being around me.🙏 🙏

My cycle is a total mess right now. My doctor says it's because of the stress.

I'm trying my best not to whine about it. I really am, but sometimes I just end up being such a crybaby.

Thanks, ladies. 🙂

northernfox9 said:🙂 🙂

Pale stools and dark urine can be signs that the liver isn't functioning properly... you really ought to mention that to the doctor at the next checkup so things don't spiral into full-blown failure.

Just stay strong, hang in there. My heart and soul are with you. 🙂

Thank you for telling me that, and for the support. 🙂

I definitely need to get that checked out. I have to take a close look myself because, honestly, it's hard to fully trust what she's saying. She’s just so frail, and I can see she's already getting worked up because she has to head back to the hospital in two days. Even if she gets to come home the same day, she’s completely exhausted. I think she’ll make a decision about how to proceed with treatment soon, but it feels to me like she desperately needs a break. She's constantly feeling sick, vomiting, complaining about "stomach pain," and I am just absolutely at my wit's end. I haven't even been paying attention to how I look or what kind of impression I'm making on people lately; I'm just trying to maintain some sort of facade of normalcy, though I think I'm mostly just lying to myself since I know I've lost all self-control.
I dread confrontational situations and difficult people, especially when it comes to work.
I suppose I'm just afraid of the consequences.😁

And now she's nagging me again about those little shoes—whether she wants these ones or not, pushing the ones I specifically told her not to use. It's a thousand little things I wouldn't have even dreamed could be an issue.

The mood swings are terrifying; sometimes I worry she won't bounce back from one crisis. When things are better, I tend to push it out of my mind. One doctor (not her regular guy over in Jordan, I won't get into which one, let's just call him the "doctor on duty") actually told me he wouldn't want to be treated like this, that he'd rather not have his girlfriend cleaning him up in diapers, because otherwise, I'd find her dead in a single day.
I can't get those words out of my head.👎

Laura Kelly91 said:Hey, I hope everything went smoothly with the association. Maybe share some details about how it went... My dad was basically written off by mainstream doctors five days ago because he just can't handle the chemo anymore, and the metastases have spread to his lungs... We're going to try B17 injections along with some other supplements, a therapy they use down in Mexico... We'll see, we heard about it from people at the hospital in Springfield who actually use it.
Sending you all my strength so you can hang in there and win this fight!

Right back at you and your dad. 🙂

My mom has an appointment tomorrow and I honestly have no clue what’s going to happen or how we'll cope if they decide she needs more chemo. She’s a complete wreck right now and I really don't know when she's going to hit her limit (for instance, how she manages to ruin every single weekend, truly every one), but then today she's fine again, and then suddenly she isn't. Of course. When she says "my stomach hurts," it actually hurts, but then there are those moments where "I'm going to throw up right here" is the reality.🙄
She's got diarrhea (which always happens whenever I'm out of the house) and she's mentioning having white stools.
😕
Who knows how many little pills she's been popping.😁
Every single time she has to go to the hospital—whether it's a checkup or chemo—she becomes impossible to deal with.
Just when I think she's finally coming back to herself, it all resets to zero.🙄

Grace Fowler said:Hey everyone!
I have quite a few updates to share, though the whole situation is a bit... complicated, I suppose. Regarding the chemo, my lung targets responded well, but unfortunately, the pelvic area didn't react to the radiation, and since the treatment is pretty hard on the kidneys, my right kidney took a hit too. Because of that, the medical board decided I can't continue with the IV treatments anymore; they’re switching me over to oral Cyclophosphamide instead. At first, I honestly felt like they were giving up on me, but after sleeping on it for a night, I realized I just have to keep pushing forward. So, I went to consult with my surgeon about trying to operate on those pelvic masses, and he actually agreed to do it. Now, I’m just in this waiting phase for the surgery. Since Christmas is coming up, I've been thinking that having a successful surgery would be my little gift from God for Christmas. That's all for now... I'll check back in with more news soon, and THANK YOU all for the support.
Dina

Dina, you're going to be the one wishing us all a Merry Christmas with some good news.👍

gentlemoose62 said:Yeah, I’m actually wondering where everyone disappeared to, too.

So, look, this time I’m going to be a little selfish and ask for some prayers and good vibes from all of you because I have to go in for a breast biopsy.
I'm feeling a bit anxious about it, though I'm trying to tell myself everything will turn out fine—as if an ovarian cancer diagnosis wasn't quite enough to deal with already.
I’ll post an update once the pathology results come back.

Just one of those weird, messy chapters in life, I guess. Who knows.🤷

First off, sending all those good vibes straight to you.👍
And to everyone else out there fighting their own battles, too.🙂
Life is unpredictable and keeps throwing curveballs, but whatever comes our way, we just have to deal with it; there really isn't any other way to live, is there?
Stay strong, we're right here with you.👍

Nancy Thomas18 said:I really want to say thanks for all the kind words of support from everyone who reached out to me. To be honest, these last few days have been pretty rough, and I’ve been feeling this creeping anxiety about whether I’ll have to go under the knife again because things have gotten a little complicated. I just can't seem to shake this abscess forming under my liver, though it is thankfully much smaller than it was after that first surgery. I’m finally heading in this Friday to get my chemo schedule sorted out, so there’s just a lot of chaos swirling around right now. Looking through some of the posts here, it seems like everyone goes through such terrible side effects, and I’m genuinely scared about how I’ll manage it all, even though I know I have to. My biggest wish is just to hold on long enough to see my son graduate. He’s only three years away from finishing, and I really hope I can make that happen; I’d like to think I’m not that much of a jinx.
Hang in there, everyone fighting for the people you love; those of us dealing with this just have to take it one day at a time, pushing through until things get better. Sending love to everyone, and my deepest sympathies to those who have lost their loved ones.

You’re going to make it. 👍
There are definitely going to be crises, but there will also be those moments where you tell yourself everything is okay, because you actually will be okay. I honestly think you should start getting your support system organized now, just so things are easier when you truly need them.
Don't try to carry the whole world on your shoulders if you don't have to, and please, don't feel bad about asking for help. There’s no such thing as a stranger when it comes to illness and hardship, and people who have walked this path before you will understand exactly what you're going through. And believe me, they are out there. 👍

Just keep moving toward that day when you can sit down at your computer and write: my son graduated today, stay strong, keep fighting, and just keep moving forward.👍

slyseal28 said:Basically, everyone, we’re doing just fine and life is good! Both of us have birthdays coming up this week, so this CT scan really feels like the best birthday present we could ask for. We finally beat that damn cancer!!!

👍 That’s the spirit. And happy birthday to you both! 🙂 🙂

I'll shoot you a DM. They aren't exactly expensive. 👍
You can find flaxseed oil at any local health food store. Just a heads-up though, once you crack that seal, you really need to finish it within a week, so keep it tucked away in the fridge.
It’s not exactly dirt cheap, but it won't break the bank either.

Don't even mention it. Everything is going to turn out just fine. 🙂

By the way, I always go with ground flaxseed. Ideally, you’d want to grind it right before you eat it to get the full benefit, but I usually just pick up the pre-ground stuff at the store.
The thing is, staying hydrated can be such a chore for some people, though I find if you really dress up a salad with enough oil, it helps things move along.
If you can manage it, try to get her to drink plenty of fluids, and steer clear of heavy, greasy meals. Instead, just adding a good splash of olive oil or flaxseed oil to her salads should do the trick; I truly believe that's a healthy way to help with these kinds of issues.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. 😘

mellowbadger5, that is such a tough situation. There are tablets (and suppositories)—I can't recall the exact names right now, though I could go take a look—that are pretty well-known, but honestly, it’s better if those are treated as a last resort. The real issue is that after a few days, everything just turns to stone, and then it becomes a nightmare; sometimes it feels physically impossible to pass anything at all, especially that first movement after things get stuck. 😁 Bekunis works well, and those fruit gummies—the ones from CVS—are good too, but as you mentioned, diet really is the key. Something like a cleansing tea worked for my mom, but only a couple of times before it stopped being effective.

If I’m following you correctly, the medication (including the stuff for nausea) causes everything to just lock up higher up, so there’s really no point in forcing suppositories during that phase; they’ll just end up getting pushed right back out while the hardened waste stays stuck above. It’s better to clear the path first with Bekunis or perhaps some tea or tablets if it's absolutely necessary, and then once you feel like something might actually move, use a suppository to help it slide through. Give it about thirty minutes to an hour, and then you'll see some progress. 👋 😁
Right now, I’m thinking of the standard glycerin suppositories; I always keep those on hand at home.

I went to check. It was Dulcolax. But again, I have to say, I try to make sure that remains a final option. The concern is if she gets a sudden bout of diarrhea and loses too much fluid due to electrolyte imbalance, though with my mom, that tendency is quite pronounced; for some people, it isn't quite as dangerous, you just have to be careful about staying hydrated.

Yogurt is great, and you can easily mix in some flaxseed plus flaxseed oil. It felt to me like those (much like the fruit gummies) are more for maintenance. When those heavy medications cause a blockage, it's much easier to manage if there aren't several days' worth of hardened "backlog" 😁 sitting in the intestines.

That’s just how I handle it, though I honestly don't know if it's truly the best way.

Hey everyone. 🙂

The cancer seems to be retreating in my mom’s case too; her discharge papers say things like "thoracic imaging shows satisfactory intrathoracic status given the nature of the disease, noting near-complete regression of tumor infiltration in the core of the right lung as well as satellite lesions in the upper right lobe. Medications blah blah."
"Current status: afebrile, slightly tachypneic, somewhat disoriented to time and place, no peripheral lymphadenopathy. Lungs: bilateral basal breath sounds heard."

Diagnosis is Small Cell Lung Carcinoma, right side.

They keep bringing up electrolyte imbalance and SIADH again, but her sodium was last at 134, and I honestly don't see why that was such an emergency that she needed two immediate IV infusions. I know it’s a bit low, but—shouldn't we just let the body do its thing a little when it clearly looks like (or at least seems to be) stabilizing? She still has to undergo her 8th round of chemo, and I really, truly have no idea how that’s going to go.
Despite those relatively good clinical findings, she’s weaker than ever and struggling with constipation and cramps. Right now she’s taking Bekunis, and that (plus a suppository when things "get moving") 😁 helps, though it always comes with cramps. She used to have ulcers and took Peptoran, but now she’s on Controloc, and getting a gastroscopy is out of the question, frankly.

Mentally, I think she’s okay. As far as her headspace goes—she isn't making those claims anymore about wanting an illegitimate child or asking where her dad is, but being with her is hard. To be honest, I never quite know the reality of things when she tells me something. If she says she can't pee, it might mean she simply forgot she went an hour or two ago. Because of that SIADH thing, she can only drink about a liter of fluid a day, so there's no way she's passing liters of urine. After the 7th chemo session, there was just one instance where she held onto water severely, swelled up, and got those heavy bags under her eyes. One dose of Lasix fixed that and she was fine.

I suppose I should be satisfied. I think I wrote before that I wasn't even sure if she’d make it to the second round of chemo. Well, here we are—she’s already pushed through seven. Sometimes she’s in pain (though how could I ever truly know?) and she settles it with Plivadon 😲 or Voltaren (which I always give her alongside the Peptoran. So, I don't know if she actually wants a pill or if she’s genuinely hurting. It might be that she doesn't recognize what's happening, like when she won't realize what she's eating—saying some pastry with margarine tastes just like fine pâté). 😁

All her medications are at minimum dosages, other than that, she often finds ways to manage on her own. She likes her pills. 😁 I keep an eye on her blood pressure, wash her when she gets too messy, but despite everything, she can still manage a short walk.

Hang in there, people. My mom is 71 years old. She wants to live. She’s incredibly suggestible, and sometimes what I tell her isn't even true or I have no clue what I'm talking about, but I say it anyway if I feel like it might comfort her. This might just be a temporary reprieve, I don't know.

Never lose hope. Hang in there, you damn mess, hang in there, Grace Fowler. Hang in there, ladies and gents. How it feels for those who are sick and those looking after them—only we know. It's damn hard—it is.

May God give you all strength. 👍

Diana dear, please accept my most sincere condolences. 🙂

Angela Wright said:Have you guys thought about doing a PET-CT scan? I feel like that might provide some much clearer answers.

I’ve been reading up on it, and apparently, that's an option available here in the States now too. She's scheduled for one more round of chemo in December—and after that, there'll be a period focused solely on recovery. If her electrolyte levels stabilize and we don't see any more imbalances, then we'll just wait and see how things settle for a while.
She really just needs a break from everything; she's absolutely exhausted.
If those imbalances persist, we might look into that PET-CT scan to see if it uncovers anything useful, but honestly, I'm not making any definitive plans right now.
It’ll happen as God wills. It rarely ever goes any other way, anyway.

I really want to echo what you said for all the newcomers and even for those who just follow along silently.
Like you mentioned, we can't win against death, but we certainly can fight. And it's in that struggle that we discover truly miraculous things. That fight never actually stops, not even when we eventually say goodbye. Because, fundamentally, we never truly part ways. 🙂

There is so much experience, advice, and wisdom shared here. Personally, I think this is one of the best threads on the entire forum—maybe even the best. I can't even put into words how much it has helped me.

Carol Ramirez said:Today we said goodbye to my grandfather, who was like a second father to me and my absolute rock.
I honestly don't know how to face things right now; everywhere I turn, there are traces of our fight—his medications, everything I used to prepare for him, the prescriptions, the lab results, his glasses. If I could, I’d just run away to Mars.

Please accept my deepest, most sincere condolences. 🙂
From everything you've shared here, it’s clear how much you loved one another.
Love never truly dies; it doesn't just vanish.

It’s been six full years since my dad passed away, and in all that time, I haven't once been able to bring myself to even say the words "my dad." Not once—I can't even type it out. I miss him so intensely, and I feel that loss of having that steady hand, that wise person to talk to. We really miss his strength, that ability he had to just set everything right. But then again, that’s all on the surface level, all very earthly. It doesn't make the ache any less heavy.
My dad will always be my dad, and he stays with me and all of us. Wherever I eventually find myself, he’ll be waiting. In some other form, within an eternal and infinite Truth and Love—that’s where we’re headed. That force is so powerful it can carry us across to the other side of the river, even through this kind of grief.

As for my mom, regarding the cancer, she’s doing a bit better. They couldn't see anything on the X-ray, so they sent her in for another bronchoscopy. She refused, and we stood by her decision. The first one was incredibly, incredibly hard on her. Then they sent her for a CT scan, and the doctor says the results look fine. I don't know how much weight to put on any of this, though; we are dealing with specialists here, after all. They mentioned they would mail the results over, but things are a total mess at the local clinic because they're doing renovations in Jordanovac and everything has been moved around. She’ll go back for her next checkup (likely just bloodwork, I’m not sure about the rest yet) in two weeks. She has another round of chemo scheduled for December. Beyond that, I’m in the dark. We aren't really thinking about such a distant future.
Subjectively speaking, things are rough. She’s in constant pain. She’s weak, sometimes barely able to walk. She gets dizzy and stumbles, and I’m constantly terrified she’s going to take a fall somewhere. Her sleep is terrible. And when those coughing fits hit, it is absolutely harrowing to watch. She had leg cramps just now, so I was massaging them; I only finally sat down after she took her pills and went to bed. I also rubbed some scented lotion on her wherever I could because her skin has become so terribly dry.
Unless, of course, she’s watching the game. 😁 That’s how I found her when I walked in: sitting there, focused, following the score.😁
After the chemo, she deals with constipation, which turns into its own little battle. 🙄 On top of that, she gets nauseous for a few days afterward (though usually not the very first day). It isn't catastrophic; she takes a pill and she’s fine for the day, and probably the next too. I don't quite grasp the mechanics of it, but given her age (she just turned 71) and her weight (about 91 pounds), she just needs to stay on top of it and react immediately, and it passes without her actually vomiting. Compared to other patients, she handles it quite well.

Dear Carol Ramirez, if you do decide to flee to Mars, please take me with you.😢