Posts by silverheron91

Olivia Smith2 said:Luckily, I managed to finish my degree before the psychosis hit, though unfortunately, it was in one of those humanities fields. God, I was practically signaling how dim I was from the very start—quite unlike you. 🤣

It’s actually quite lovely to read that you pushed your intellect to such incredible heights; for me, it feels like I only truly started developing once everything went south.

From what I can see, you still have plenty of spirit left—that’s a sweet thing to notice. Mine feels broken; I don't even know how I'm managing to type. I get the impression I'm slowly, surely, becoming dyslexic.

Is it total garbage? Absolutely. You lose everything overnight. It happened to me, too. Take Saturday night, for example... Two years ago, I’d be out hitting clubs in NYC looking for a good time, but now? Now I'm just home alone, washing down Pregabalin and Xanax with beer.

I have to admit, life isn't exactly thrilling like this... I just don't have the courage for the things I won't even say out loud...

And yeah, my sense of "self" is brutally fractured—I'm not sure if others with psychosis feel the same... but I don't perceive myself the way I used to. It's as if I've lost my identity and turned into someone I don't even recognize.

To me, it all feels very, very terrible. If I weren't so apathetic, I'd probably be crying. 🤣

Oh, please, there's nothing left in me—no spirit, no soul. 🤣

Look, I was never really much of a party girl. Back when things were going well, I loved heading out with friends or old high school teachers to catch a play or an art exhibit. I've always preferred hanging with older crowds who actually knew more about art than I did.

And since you mentioned drinking alone... Well, I hate to disappoint you, but you aren't the only one. I do it a lot. Actually, contradicting everything I just said, I did go to my cousin's birthday party recently. But it was such a snooze-fest; they were all just talking about diapers and toddler milestones. I ended up ditching them to hang out with the older folks in the house for a bit. Even when I walked into Babakao, they were still stuck on topics about their kids and husbands. I grabbed a couple of Helex, downed a bottle of Jägermeister, and as soon as it slid down my throat, I suddenly had enough inspiration to carry a whole monologue. They actually listened to me intently. 🎉

Olivia Smith2 said:Well, that’s comforting! I guess we can just hold hands and dance through the chaos then. 😢
How have you been managing to cope with it all?

Honestly? It’s been incredibly tough. Growing up, I was basically the "gifted kid" everyone pointed to, but everything kind of crumbled during my teens when those first signs of personality disorders and psychosis started creeping in.

Then, in my early 20s, I felt like my brain was finally waking back up. I was hitting my stride, really pushing myself intellectually. I spent my days buried in books, tackling complex problems, just trying to build a solid, productive life. But then—and this is the kicker—the downward spiral started, and it hasn't really stopped since.

It happened so fast. One minute I had the whole nine yards—a career, college, a solid circle of friends, hobbies, you name it. Three weeks later, I was being hospitalized. I lost everything. They put me on 6 Modern and eventually sent me home feeling like a total zombie.

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Olivia Smith2 said:That describes my life perfectly, dear Harold Anderson3—at least for the last two years, ever since I dealt with that awful psychosis.

I'm honestly at a loss regarding this constant "foggy" feeling, and the worst part? It feels like even the doctors don't have the answers. It's just devastating.

Anyway, how are things with you?

I feel like my brain just stopped working properly while I was on Moditen. You definitely aren't alone in this. 🤣

Harold Anderson3 said:I'm wondering why they decided to scale you down? A standard dose for that one usually lands somewhere between 15 and 30 mg. One thing about Abilify is that it doesn't typically hit you with that heavy, sedative feeling you get from other antipsychotics, even at the higher end of the spectrum, though I suppose everyone reacts differently to side effects.
Don't feel like everything is gone for good; with the right treatment plan, things can definitely get back to where they were, though I know firsthand that finding that balance isn't an easy road. Figuring out the exact cocktail of meds and the perfect dosages is a real struggle, but you just have to keep pushing forward.

Aripiprazole makes me feel incredibly restless, but taking Akineton totally fixes it for me.

The main thing is that I'm not on that sedative Moditen; that stuff basically turned me into a zombie. Now my psychiatrist is debating whether to ditch everything else and just switch me over to Leponex.

5 mg a day? Are you seriously cutting a 10 mg pill in half? I had no idea they even made doses that tiny! I’m sitting here taking 30 mg myself.

Ugh, I am seriously losing my mind here. I finally called my dentist, and he basically told me there’s no way he can just pull the tooth—I'm looking at actual surgery.

Has anyone else gone through this nightmare?

Carl Rivera43 said:Sure thing... where exactly

weaver.

Saturday.

Carl Rivera43 said:Eh... I mean, there are still some really solid breweries in that part of town too... plus, it isn't nearly as crowded. And honestly? The prices are a little easier on the wallet, too.

It's a trek, though. Downtown is just more convenient for everyone.

Why Central Park? Honestly, what a waste of time. We could be there by 5:30 instead.

Hey everyone, who's down for Saturday at 7?

Betty Fowler said:Do strong people just accept injustice? Or is it the other way around?

Strong ones do. 🙂

Carl Rivera43 said:But what does "accepting injustice" actually look like in practice?

Let’s not overthink this one... It means accepting things you can't change. Like getting sick. Or death.

I’ve always been drawn to people with actual grit. You know the type—the ones who can take a punch from life, deal with injustice without throwing a tantrum, and don't crumble at the first sign of trouble. They aren't fragile little flowers; they just shrug, take it on the chin, and say, "Well, that's just how the world works."

ironrider11 said:Kill yourself for love? That's a massive question. First off, what even is love? What do you need to solve to figure it out? Love from someone else, love for yourself, or some lack of love from anyone...? Personally—and I don't even try—I end up practicing hating more than loving. I find myself there more often. Using hate as a sort of ceiling. Loving always feels selfish to me. A bit possessive. Unconditional, selfless love sounds "heavenly," sure. Maybe the inability to do that is what fuels all this universal hatred. It's hard not to be a data-processing machine. Kill yourself for love? Probably not because of a lack of it, but maybe because you never actually recognize it in reality, only as some mental concept. Never say never, I guess. Though I doubt it. What kind of love-filled seas are we talking about here?...

Deep stuff. 🕺

ironrider11 said:Nah, it isn't. There’s "critical," and then there’s critical. Both probably get lumped together as critical, sure, but they aren't even close... 😬

It was critical. I was calling FEMA obsessively. But I wasn't looking to check into a hospital.

Honestly, looking back once the fog clears, this isn't even depression anymore. It feels more like sadness and melancholy. But it's one of those... unbearable kinds.

Do you think anyone would ever actually die for love?

ironrider11 said:I'd love to. Just shoot me a link in a DM, or whatever. I won't be "peering into your soul" or anything. Just observing, maybe sparking some imagination, sure. Depression is... usually pretty constant, imho? What it carries within itself isn't always the same thing or the same reaction. When things get critical, it's just not worth being. Just like all those other psy-fi (sci-fi) ailments, morebit.

It's critical. 😬

Jeffrey Ramos4 said:I’m a fan of literature in general. I usually lean toward prose, but I can appreciate a good poem now and then. I actually just stumbled upon two up-and-coming American female authors that I’m planning to dive into soon. They aren't exactly household names yet, but they've both published work—one has even released a second book. One focuses on gritty, real-life psychological themes, while the other writes existentialist sci-fi dystopias mixed with horror...

Names?

Jeffrey Ramos4 said:Look, there will always be trolls. That’s just life. People are unpredictable, everyone has their own weird tastes, and frankly, criticizing others is the easiest thing in the world to do. But for every genre out there, there’s an audience that actually gets it and appreciates the craft.
If you aren't too shy about it, shoot me a DM with whatever you've written so far. I'd really love to give it a read. 😉

Are you into poetry?

Jeffrey Ramos4 said:In what sense? Are you worried about criticism? A confidence thing?...

Honestly, who knows. Could be! I guess I’m just a total softie when it comes to anything I actually care about—and my work is my heart, so there's that—but on the flip side, I absolutely live for a little provocation. Back when I was working as a reporter in Chicago, I had plenty of haters breathing down my neck, but it never rubbed me the wrong way. If anything, the more they tried to tear me down, the more fuel I had to write even better. I just love the reaction.

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