Alright, look, don't come for me if this sounds a bit silly, but I've been sitting here wondering about this for ages: 1. Didn't we used to have way more freedom when it came to formatting posts? I distinctly remember being able to change my text color to white—or basically any color I wanted—but now that option seems to have vanished into thin air. 2. Seriously, why can't avatars be just a tiny bit larger? Half the time, they're so microscopic I can barely tell what the person is even supposed to be looking at. 3. Is there any reason why we don't have spoiler tags yet? That would be such a game-changer for discussions. 4. Or is it just me, or does it feel like the selection of emojis has shrunk lately?
My dad passed away today. At least his suffering is finally over. I want to thank everyone here who lent me a hand through this forum. I still have a little bit of Ensure and Prosure left over, so if anyone can use it, just let me know. Now I'm just facing this huge void and some really heavy, messy days ahead without him.
Kimberly Green23 said:Hey everyone. Sending huge support to slyseal28 and Grace Fowler. Please, keep staying optimistic just like you always have. I haven’t posted in a while. My stepdad was doing significantly better, but then he caught a bladder infection. His primary care doctor prescribed some antibiotics, but completely failed to consider that people with stomach issues shouldn't be taking them—and he’s dealing with adenocarcinoma. Long story short, he turned yellow and ended up spending three weeks in the hospital. He’s back home now and feeling a bit better. However, his discharge papers included recommendations for adult diapers and a visiting nurse, and that’s where the headache starts. The substitute GP (his regular doctor is on vacation) refuses to authorize the Medicare coverage for the diapers without a recommendation from a neurologist at the local clinic, but the neurologist isn't available until the end of the month and there’s no one covering for him. I keep telling my mom that the hospital's recommendation should be enough and we shouldn't need a neurologist, but I honestly don't know if I'm right. On top of that, the head visiting nurse won't sign off on the paperwork for regular home care because she claims that last time she saw him two months ago, he looked "pretty good." Does anyone have advice on how to deal with these absolute nonsense bureaucrats without totally losing our minds?
Change everything. Seriously. Especially the GP (if the substitute is just as useless) and the visiting nurse. In my case, my dad's regular doctor was away for specialized training, and nobody was actually "covering" for him—it was just whoever happened to be walking through the doors at the clinic. It drove me absolutely insane because I never knew who was in charge or when they’d show up, and I simply don't have the time for those games. So, I moved him to our small rural clinic. That doctor actually works with people; he does house calls and, most importantly, doesn't lecture you about your specific situation. He was the one who wrote the order for the IV fluids, which was vital because my dad was practically starving. Even at the medical board meeting, they were asking if I needed nursing care. I didn't. Getting the IV coverage was such a battle because almost no one would cover my specific needs, so I eventually had to pay out of pocket for different nurses every single day just to get those fluids. To make a long story short... the GP writes the prescription for the diapers to confirm it with Social Services, and you can get them at any pharmacy. Even if the substitutes aren't what you want, it works. The issue isn't the system itself; it's the individual people. Whether they *want* to write the paperwork for Social Services or not. But as for the visiting nurse? You really have to give them a piece of your mind... "Oh, he looked fine two months ago"? Give me a break. Our healthcare system is a joke... no comment...
Hey, I’m checking in too. Still fighting the battle with the nursing home, though things have calmed down a bit. Dad’s been there almost two weeks now, and he’s already been to the ER nine times in just seven days. On the first day, they ripped out his IV line and didn't set it back up right (that happened three times), which led to the absolute nightmare where his feeding tube got clogged. Honestly? It was my fault. I made some stupid mistake with the formula and it gummed everything up. At that moment, I genuinely thought I’d killed my own father. Thankfully, they finally managed to swap it out after a massive struggle. Then there was the water issue... and then they had to pull the tube again, but they actually got it sorted this time. He actually seems to be doing better over the last couple of days. He has a physical therapist helping him work on his exercises, and he isn't losing his grip on things—he can even talk when the IV line gets finicky. He’s even changing the gauze under the IV himself and applying his own cream. He’s walking, too, which the nurses at the facility are treating like some kind of miracle. He isn't being a problem child, and he hasn't needed the ER since last Tuesday (well, excluding Saturday when I insisted he go in for a check-up). He’s stopped calling me constantly asking when I'll visit, and the staff at the home hasn't called me at 5:00 AM anymore... at least not yet. He looks so much better. I honestly didn't realize what a fighter he was. I actually threatened the facility to get them to fix the suction machine, and they promised to have it done this week. I’ve already given my notice to quit my job, but the worst part is that Dad is starting to actually like it there. For now, we're just dealing with the hydration issues, plus he has an infection under the IV site because he ripped it out, taking some skin with it. It’s all oozing and looks pretty gruesome. I’m applying cream, but nothing seems to help. The skin at the ER is a total pain when I go in to clean the site. I tell them it’s because the suction machine at the home is broken, and they just shut up. If that redness doesn't clear up by Saturday, I’m dragging him straight to the ER, and I might just slap that nurse myself. Truthfully, I don't even want to go there; it feels easier to just leave him to deal with them so they have less work to do. Sadly, my dad is the one suffering for it. It's heartbreaking. But there’s still a tiny flicker of hope in me... mostly because he refuses to give up. Most importantly, he isn't getting disoriented anymore and is physically stronger. As for that damn cancer, it looks like it hasn't spread past his neck yet... if only he could get strong enough for the chemo.
So, they called me from the nursing home at 5:15 AM saying he was acting out, and by 9:00, he’s already in the ER. He’s got a feeding tube in his throat, and on his very first night there, he managed to rip it right out. Then, those incompetent hacks in the ER didn't do nearly enough to stabilize him, so he had to be rushed back to the facility twice in one night. Today makes three times. Three times in two days! That was all starting at 9:00 AM, and they didn't even get him back to the facility until almost 4:00 in the afternoon—and to make matters worse, they dropped him off at the wrong location! Nobody was even there with him! He was left hungry and thirsty. I am paying $5,000 a month $0.00 for this, and these people are absolutely useless. His ankles are swollen shut; he definitely has fluid retention, but nobody is doing anything about it. They just tell me, "The doctor didn't prescribe anything." Well, if he's heading to the ER every single day, then someone needs to drain that fluid! I ended up crushing his diuretic pill because he couldn't swallow it, and if things don't improve, I might just give him a double dose tomorrow. I’m actually headed out to inspect a different facility now. Honestly, I'm dreading tomorrow morning because I know the nurses will call again, claiming he’s being difficult or that his tube fell out again.
Melissa Kim45, hang in there. I totally get where you're coming from because I'm going through the exact same thing right now. I moved my dad into an assisted living facility, but he’s started acting out so much lately. Honestly, I don't think they'll be able to put up with him for much longer. The real issue is that the pain medication he's on just completely wipes him out—he gets high on it and loses all sense of reality. Since he's still mobile, he wanders all over the place, breaking into other people's rooms, and the nurses just can't seem to keep him under control. He even started writing stuff in a notebook, saying they should call me to come pick him up or he'll kill himself. So then they call me, and I'm just at my absolute breaking point. I thought putting him in a facility would make life easier for both of us, but it's had the exact opposite effect. I'm barely sleeping because the nurses call me at 5:00 AM every single morning because he did something crazy again. On top of that, I'm spending nearly five hours a day sitting there with him. Sometimes I lose my cool and end up screaming at him, and then I just feel terrible about it. I really don't know how to help him. I hate the idea of sending him to a state-run institution like a high-security nursing home, but if the current facility can't handle him, I don't have any other choice...
Unfortunately, I missed the show. I don't really sit around watching TV much, and besides, I turned in early because I have to be up at 4:00 AM for work. Tomorrow, the doctors are calling me in to talk about my dad. Honestly, I’m 99% sure I already know what they're going to say: Van from the hospital. I actually went to see another oncologist to get a second opinion, and he basically told me there isn't much left to be done. They mentioned chemo, but even that’s a long shot since the radiation narrowed the veins in his neck. Still, you never know—every body reacts differently, so I guess that's our one tiny sliver of hope. But man, he's just too weak for chemo. The hardest part of all of this isn't even the medical stuff; it's that my dad thinks he’s going to die tomorrow. He’s just lost his will to fight. I keep trying to hammer it into him—telling him not to give up, telling him he needs to stay alive just to spite that jerk of a doctor for another year. (I think the main doctor is on vacation right now because they scheduled me with some other guy I've never met. I seriously hope that bastard gets eaten by a shark while he's out swimming in the ocean.)
Hey. My dad ended up in the ER today—which is actually surprising, given how hard it usually is to get them to take you seriously—because he started choking. It was either some kind of tumor wrapping around his neck or just an insane amount of mucus blocking his airway. They had to perform an emergency tracheotomy right then and there. The doctor mentioned that a massive amount of phlegm came out, and now they’re worried about pneumonia because of all that gunk. I was waiting for the chest X-ray results, but the doctor said they couldn't get a clear picture of the current situation since the scan was done before the procedure. He’ll be scanned again tomorrow. There’s definitely an infection, though; we could see it in his bloodwork. We actually went to the ER yesterday because his stomach was acting up, and while I was scrolling through his lab results online, I realized he already had some kind of inflammation going on. They put him on antibiotics, inserted a catheter, and told us he has to stay strictly bedridden for a few days. That part actually scares me. He’s always been such an active guy, and I’m worried that if he stays down like this, he won't bounce back as fast as usual. Plus, I'm terrified he’s going to pull out all those wires and tubes hooked up to him. The staff said I should only visit briefly because he needs total rest, but honestly, if he hadn't made it to the hospital today, he probably would have suffocated. I'm dreading what my favorite doctor 😠 is going to say when he does his rounds tomorrow, I can already see him getting pissed off at why Dad showed up at this unit instead of heading straight to Morocco. But I have to say, the doctors on duty today and yesterday? Honestly, they were a pleasant surprise. Truly impressive work.
rapidbear8: I am so sorry. Everything seems to be happening way too fast with my dad, too.
Linda Wright5 said:Hey everyone, I’m reaching out with a heavy heart, though I find some peace in knowing that my sister passed away peacefully in her sleep last night. She was a true fighter, and honestly, I couldn't be more proud of her.
I'll still be hanging out here reading your posts, and I'll help out whenever I can.
Stay strong, everybody. Just keep pushing forward.
Melissa Kim45 said:Hang in there, everyone. Seriously. 🙂
I know how much this sucks. Honestly, I’m struggling too. There are still people who haven't checked in for a while, and I just hope they're doing okay. dustyranger11, you mentioned earlier that you just need to vent even if nobody's reading. Well, newsflash: we *are* reading. 🙂
Cancer is a damn nightmare.👎
The sleepless nights aren't as much of an issue here anymore because Mom is just too weak—she mostly sleeps through the night, which actually makes things a little easier on my end. My mornings usually start with a massive reality check, but whatever. Today she had some donuts and Prosura (she got the Megostat later, too); she really craves those things. I give her whatever she asks for. Most of the time, though, she can barely hold the donut in her hand; she’ll take a tiny bite, stop, and then just start rubbing the donut against her hair. If I tell her to stop, she won't listen—you basically have to physically move her hand away. She’s also reached that stage where she can't tell a phone apart from a remote control. I keep the volume low on the phones, and I just don't let her touch the remote. I'll set something on for her to watch, and she'll just stare. At this point, I think as long as the TV is on, she’s fine; she can't really follow what's happening anyway.
🙂
It’s a lot like what my dad is going through. Today (I was at work, and I finally got my car fixed after that wreck) he was actually almost acting normal. He tried to get behind the wheel of the car; I barely managed to stop him. He remembers everything—every single word the mechanic told him. It really cut deep when he called me by my mom's name, and the kicker is, he knows he did it. He told me it felt weird calling me that, but it's probably because I'll be joining her soon (she passed away from a heart attack back in '95). I told him, "As long as you're breathing, there's hope." One day his throat is raw, the next it's totally fine, and he gets these fever spikes. I told him that tomorrow, once the sun goes down, we're going for a walk, even if I have to lead him around on a leash. I saw him today from the bus (I recognize the man; he's the one with the feeding tube and that large syringe used for meals). He was pouring beer into the tube. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that. I asked Dad if he wanted a beer, and he said no—he'll let me know when he wants one or maybe some wine. I'll fulfill any wish he has.
Betty Sanchez82 said:Basically, I haven't posted for a while because I honestly didn't know what smart thing to say. My dad, who is dealing with gastric adenocarcinoma with liver metastases, just finished his first round of chemo. It lasted 6 days. He received Cisplatina and 5 doses of 5Fu (22-hour drip, so basically 5 bags in a row). They sent him home now, and we're looking at a 4-week recovery period. On the first day, he felt a bit weak, which he chalked up to being stuck in bed for 6 days straight. Normally, he’s a very active guy. The only issue right now is this tightness when he swallows, almost like a sore throat. His doctor gave him some kind of gel for it today. While searching online, I stumbled upon a site about mushroom-based health supplements. I reached out to them and they seem okay, but the price tag is a bit steep. For a 60-day course, you're looking at roughly $5667. Money isn't really an issue if it actually works. I'm curious to hear your thoughts—has anyone here had experience with this stuff? Honestly, there was a moment where I just felt like buying everything in sight. I took Angela Wright's advice and bought some Native propolis; he's drinking plenty of nettle tea, I'm pushing fresh fruits and veggies, and of course, beet juice. Does anyone else have tips on how to boost blood counts and prep for the next chemo cycle?? Sending so much strength and respect to all of you for your courage and fight. Reading these posts really makes me feel like I'm not alone in this.
That "mushroom health" thing: it's called Miko San. I went to see them last month and ordered a 10-day dose for about $1167. The guy there tells you that you need to spend money for at least 60 days, but really it should be 100! I show up and what do I see? 16 liters of liquid in glass bottles weighing 100 pounds. And I don't even have a car! Since I couldn't haul that much, I just took half (for 5 days) and paid for a full box of 12 bottles. Dad started taking it (you're supposed to drink nearly a liter a day following a specific schedule). But since his throat was burned from the radiation, it was stinging him—honestly, almost everything stung—and it was hard to take on an empty stomach. By the second day, his throat was so swollen he couldn't even swallow a pill or a sip of water, let alone a whole liter of this stuff a day. So, his "fasting cure" effectively started right then and there. We ended up opening two bottles and calling it quits. If you decide to go for it and it doesn't end up working for him (I don't know yet, since things are still changing with him), I'll gladly give you whatever I have left (10 bottles). I've scheduled an appointment with a private oncologist for next week, but I'm also thinking about contacting the oncologists over at Quest Diagnostics. I'm planning to get a brain MRI and tumor markers done there, since those jerks who were supposed to do it before completely dropped the ball. I spent the entire night dealing with him. He keeps calling me and banging on the walls because he forgets where he put things. He can't even handle his cell phone; he thinks it's a remote control. He's constantly demanding pain meds. He's talking nonsense. This morning, he thought he was in the hospital and started yelling at me for giving him pills "for no reason" when I hadn't even checked his temperature. It's just terrible; this confusion started happening on Saturday.
shadowmason6 - I've heard things about that CT scan over at General Hospital. Honestly, my oncologist is being such a total pain in the neck that they won't even bother writing me the damn referral form. The only person left who might be able to handle this is the radiologist, but I have no idea if they're actually authorized to write it. I was thinking about just heading over to get an MRI of my head and neck and then getting some blood markers checked out at Quest Diagnostics instead.
Amanda Miller69, they actually stole my dad from the hospital. And it wasn't just him—they did the exact same thing to my grandma a few years back. They literally kicked her out. They were yelling at her, asking why she even bothered coming there to die instead of staying home, basically telling her she was a lost cause. Thank God she’s still with us. Honestly, I think going to that place was a massive mistake. We should have gone to General Hospital or maybe a specialized oncology clinic instead (I had surgery for some fibroma near my breast and armpit at one of those places, and they were actually great). Whenever someone mentions that "rib frrr" nonsense to me... I grew up right outside of Washington, D.C., so if there's ever an emergency, we automatically head straight to that specific hospital because it's our local catchment area.
They sent my dad home yesterday. The "dear" doctor just waved his hands dismissively and mentioned his favorite little getaway: some small town, USA. When I tried to look over his test results, he started screaming at me, yelling about how I was actually doing him a FAVOR by putting in the tube and keeping him at the hospital for a few days. He’s convinced they're done with him. It's honestly pathetic. 😢 I'm going to try and find somewhere else to go just to get a brain scan. I need to know if it has spread to his head. I asked one of those oncologist experts if it might have moved up there, and he was just like: "It *could* spread, but there's no indication it has right now." Unbelievable. Might as well just send him home to die.
Linda Peterson37 said:God, if you only knew how many times I’ve found myself in this exact same position. Honestly? You have to be rude. You have to be stubborn, persistent, relentless, and then—just when you think you've done enough—you have to be a little bit more persistent. You have to demand what's yours and ask them for things a hundred times if that's what it takes. Don't take no for an answer. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this before, and honestly, I don't know if my experience will even be helpful to you, but our family went through a total nightmare navigating the hospital system. To be blunt, I haven't had a single positive interaction with them. Please, don't let this discourage you, but you have to give it everything you've got. You have to fight tooth and nail to make sure they actually help your dad. My father went through the exact same thing—he had a high fever for several days straight, and for the life of God, nobody could tell us what was causing it. Was it pneumonia from being bedridden? Was it this or that? Or was it something else entirely? We would go days without getting a straight answer while his temperature stayed stuck above 100 degrees, sometimes even hitting 103. Every time we asked, they’d just give us the same old line: "Well, ma'am, that's just due to his underlying condition." They used that excuse for everything, but we knew it wasn't the truth. Eventually, my mom had to absolutely lose it and cause a massive scene on the ward because nothing was happening otherwise. Look, you should try to be polite and play nice with them, but if being nice isn't getting results, then you have to step up. If being reasonable doesn't work, it won't work.
I have to admit, during that stretch of time, we were all collectively teetering on the edge of a total nervous breakdown. We were way more sensitive than usual—actually, a hell of a lot more sensitive—so our fuses were incredibly short. We were snapping at every little thing, but honestly, I think that’s just human nature under that kind of pressure. I mean, look, you're dealing with the person you love most in this world. You would literally give anything for your only child. So, of course, when I see carelessness, hesitation, negligence, or just pure apathy, it’s going to get under my skin. It's bound to make me lose it. At the end of the day, we are all out here fighting—or we *were* fighting—for the lives of the people we love most.
Listen, honey, just go for it. You’re going to find a level of strength inside yourself that you didn't even know existed. Just give it everything you've got—and I mean *everything*—for your dad. And please, remember this: never, ever give up. Just stay brave. 🙂🙂
Thanks. I’ll post an update tomorrow on how everything went. I’m going to do whatever it takes to make sure I don't look like a total amateur in front of that permanent Dr. I. D. guy—unless, of course, he ends up blinding me first. I'm filing my nails just in case.
If my primary care doctor hadn't bailed on her specialization and left us hanging for two years—honestly, this whole setup is useless—things might be different. Instead, it’s a revolving door; every single week, it's a different face, or maybe it isn't, who knows anymore? They already caused me a massive headache regarding his IV drip because I live out in the middle of nowhere, and absolutely nobody can send a nurse out to cover my neck of the woods. Not to mention the exhaustion of having to recount the exact same medical history to a different doctor every single day. In just four days, three different people have tried to poke him with a needle. I’m just sitting here wondering if the condition has spread and if there's even any hope left... If it has spread, I'll just move him into a private assisted living facility; I don't care about the cost or the wait times, I'll handle it. But if it hasn't spread, and if all this is just side effects from the radiation and there actually *is* help available, but the system refuses to step up, then that's a whole different story. I'm terrified for tomorrow, but I'll admit, I'm a quiet person by nature, and that's my weakness. I'm not naturally the persistent type, but he only has me. I will squeeze every bit of effort out of this system, even if I end up behind bars, just to save a little more of his life.
I’d love to just transfer him to another hospital, but they won't take him. They’ll just claim he’s already being treated elsewhere and tell him to stay put. But where am I supposed to go? He's so sick he can't even walk—his muscles have completely atrophied from being bedridden. And he's hungry, too. To make matters worse, there aren't any test results after his radiation treatment; we only have the ones from before. Nobody has bothered to actually examine him since he finished. For all I know, everything happening might be side effects from the radiation rather than the cancer itself. Honestly, who knows? Even the doctors don't seem to have a clue. And don't get me started on them—they won't lift a finger if the doctor decides to wash his hands of the case and starts demanding cash under the table. (I've heard stories about people handing over money, giving a polite "thank you," and then absolutely nothing changes—it's like you didn't pay a dime). Sadly, I can't even record our conversations because my phone is basically a relic from the Stone Age. I’m ready to call the police and the New York Times. I would do anything, even risk everything, for my dad. You put your faith in these doctors, you pay your taxes and your premiums, and they just quietly let you slide into the grave...
It’s been a while since I last posted, but I mentioned my dad here a bit ago. He has throat cancer. It was officially diagnosed six months ago, but he’s definitely been fighting this for about two years now. The doctors completely missed it, even though he kept going in for checkups. He went through radiation, and he lost about 90 pounds in just two months! He practically starved to death. To make matters worse, the hospital staff didn't even want to admit him because they didn't want to deal with a case like his—they basically brushed us off. They finally talked about putting some kind of feeding tube in him, but they waited until the absolute last minute, hovering over whether it should go in his intestine or his stomach, and then nothing happened. He’s running a constant fever, and we have no idea why. His throat is incredibly swollen, probably from the radiation being too intense. They tell me there’s nothing visible in his throat except for the edema from the radiation, which has almost completely closed off his airway, along with a ton of mucus. He’s coughing up pus. He’s heavily medicated on morphine and is already hallucinating. I’m meeting with the doctor tomorrow, and I can already tell they’re going to start talking about money. They notified us today that they want to discharge him and likely send him to a small town, USA (not happening as long as I'm breathing). This is so incredibly hard. He’s deteriorated completely in just two weeks. Between not being able to eat because his throat felt like it was on fire, and then the swelling getting so bad that even crushed pills or water wouldn't go down... it's been a nightmare. I had such a hard time finding anyone willing to give him saline IV fluids just to keep him stable until the tube could be inserted. ("The doctor kept stalling.") And now, today, they’re telling me he’s too weak to even handle the procedure for a gastric tube. So instead, they want to leave the nasal one in and move him to a small town, USA, after I "consult with the doctor." I knew they weren't going to keep him at the hospital, but in an entire week, they haven't performed any tests. All they did was draw blood, give him IVs and food, and promise they would scan his lungs and heart, but nothing ever happened. No scans. No real testing. I don't even know if it has spread or not. Why the fever? Does he have pneumonia? Has it reached his brain? I don't know, God help us, I just don't know... all I know is they want to ship him out to a small town, USA. He's all I have, and I would sell both my kidneys just to give him one more year—even though they told him he has maybe two to five years, and he might not even make it six months. He’s only 55. I just need to vent, even if nobody reads this. Tomorrow, I’m honestly terrified I might actually gouge that doctor's eyes out if he brings up money. He hasn't done a single thing for him. No chemotherapy either. 👎
Hey everyone. So, I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that my dad was scheduled for surgery. Well, change of plans—they didn't go through with it. They’re claiming his heart is too weak, even though he’s only 55 and has a decent fitness level. Honestly, his cardiologists have told us straight up that his heart isn't the problem. It’s just the anesthesiologist who’s refusing to clear him for the procedure. But get this: we went to see a private specialist today, and that doctor said there shouldn't be any issue at all with anesthesia or the surgery itself. He can do it. No problem. Anyway, starting Monday, he begins radiation therapy. Some people are telling me I shouldn't let him go through with the radiation and should instead fight to get him transferred to a different hospital where they'll actually perform the surgery on his rib—people are calling the current doctors cowards for backing out when they clearly could do the job. I have a question though: if he goes through with two weeks of radiation, and the cancer doesn't shrink, will he still be able to have the surgery right away? Or is the radiation going to mess things up too much?
Thanks so much to everyone who replied to my post. My dad is heading in for surgery tomorrow—at least, that’s what they told him—and they mentioned it might be done with a laser? I honestly don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. All I know is he's been dealing with this tumor for two years now, and up until this point, it hasn't really caused major issues. Regarding his throat, I just want them to cut it out before it spreads to his other organs. When he went to the hospital today (he was home over the weekend), he told me he's never felt pain this intense. It just absolutely crushed me. I don't have a mom, so everything he has, I am. That makes everything a million times harder. No one else carries this weight with me; I have to do this all on my own. And it’s his heart we’re talking about. I feel like I have no one to turn to at Rib. Nobody knows anything, except for the doctors, and the doctors aren't even there—they finish their rounds and then they're off to surgeries. Honestly, maybe my dad would be better off at a specialized cancer center instead of being stuck at Rib. I haven't exactly had pleasant experiences with them. I don't know if I'm wrong, but that's just how it feels to me.