Her, my mother-in-law, or me?
in Psychology ·
I’m actually really curious to hear how your father-in-law handles a situation like this. I guess it would be interesting to know what kind of role he generally plays in your family dynamic, too. Like, what’s the vibe between him and your mother-in-law? And how does he actually get along with your husband?
The way your husband interacts with his mother feels incredibly possessive. It’s like he never actually went through that necessary stage of pulling away and becoming an independent adult during his teens. Honestly, it looks like a textbook case of a dysfunctional symbiosis. He treats her authority as this irrational, absolute force, basically giving her a free pass to meddle in his life—whether she’s doing it directly or just pulling strings from the sidelines—and making decisions for him. I guess if things don't go exactly her way, the whole dynamic shifts into manipulation, guilt trips, or those little emotional games designed to keep him under her thumb.
I’d probably suggest having an objective conversation with your husband, though I guess I don't really know what your communication style is like. Like, can you actually talk to him without things escalating into shouting matches? Can you stick strictly to the facts and be completely honest about what’s bothering you in the marriage? You’d also have to let him actually respond—you shouldn't try to jump the gun and answer for him, which, if I recall correctly, is exactly what his mother does anyway. I suppose it just depends on how much he rationalizes everything or how many excuses he uses to brush the problems under the rug.
I guess he just needs to realize that being a husband comes with its own set of responsibilities, much like how he’s held accountable for his performance at work or whatever. He's got obligations to you, plain and simple, and he ought to be just as committed to that role as he is to his professional life.
You really need to put the focus on the kid here. I mean, sure, maybe today your mother-in-law has some little nitpicks about how you run your household, but give it time—tomorrow she’ll be breathing down your neck about how you’re raising YOUR child. You can't let that happen. If you allow her to step in like that, you're basically sabotaging your own relationship with your daughter. She needs you to be a solid, consistent role model for her as she grows up, and you won't be able to provide that if you're constantly yielding to someone else's interference.
I suppose I’d also say that sitting down with a family therapist could be a pretty solid move. It’s possible your husband is viewing everything through such a subjective lens—maybe even letting some weird jealousy toward his mother cloud his judgment. Having an objective third party involved, someone who actually knows what they're talking about, might give you an argument he can't just brush off or rationalize away with his usual excuses. If he's faced with a professional opinion, he might finally just back down, which is probably the only way anything actually changes around here.
If it doesn’t work out... well, I guess that’s just how it goes. I really am sorry, but I honestly think it would be a huge mistake to let your daughter become another casualty of these messed-up dynamics.
The way your husband interacts with his mother feels incredibly possessive. It’s like he never actually went through that necessary stage of pulling away and becoming an independent adult during his teens. Honestly, it looks like a textbook case of a dysfunctional symbiosis. He treats her authority as this irrational, absolute force, basically giving her a free pass to meddle in his life—whether she’s doing it directly or just pulling strings from the sidelines—and making decisions for him. I guess if things don't go exactly her way, the whole dynamic shifts into manipulation, guilt trips, or those little emotional games designed to keep him under her thumb.
I’d probably suggest having an objective conversation with your husband, though I guess I don't really know what your communication style is like. Like, can you actually talk to him without things escalating into shouting matches? Can you stick strictly to the facts and be completely honest about what’s bothering you in the marriage? You’d also have to let him actually respond—you shouldn't try to jump the gun and answer for him, which, if I recall correctly, is exactly what his mother does anyway. I suppose it just depends on how much he rationalizes everything or how many excuses he uses to brush the problems under the rug.
I guess he just needs to realize that being a husband comes with its own set of responsibilities, much like how he’s held accountable for his performance at work or whatever. He's got obligations to you, plain and simple, and he ought to be just as committed to that role as he is to his professional life.
You really need to put the focus on the kid here. I mean, sure, maybe today your mother-in-law has some little nitpicks about how you run your household, but give it time—tomorrow she’ll be breathing down your neck about how you’re raising YOUR child. You can't let that happen. If you allow her to step in like that, you're basically sabotaging your own relationship with your daughter. She needs you to be a solid, consistent role model for her as she grows up, and you won't be able to provide that if you're constantly yielding to someone else's interference.
I suppose I’d also say that sitting down with a family therapist could be a pretty solid move. It’s possible your husband is viewing everything through such a subjective lens—maybe even letting some weird jealousy toward his mother cloud his judgment. Having an objective third party involved, someone who actually knows what they're talking about, might give you an argument he can't just brush off or rationalize away with his usual excuses. If he's faced with a professional opinion, he might finally just back down, which is probably the only way anything actually changes around here.
If it doesn’t work out... well, I guess that’s just how it goes. I really am sorry, but I honestly think it would be a huge mistake to let your daughter become another casualty of these messed-up dynamics.