a specific example
When we get together, my family doesn't talk much. There’s often this awkward silence hanging in the air.
Not too long ago—maybe over the last year or so—I used to feel incredibly anxious in those moments, so I took on the role of the entertainer.
Basically, I’d be the one kicking off conversations about this or that topic.
That would usually ease the tension in the room (and in me).
But some things have actually changed, thanks to psychotherapy.
1.
Your motivation for talking is just so you don't feel so terrible.
-->
You probably don't even know how they're feeling. They might have a completely different perspective or set of emotions than you do in that situation.
2.
You mentioned taking on the role of the entertainer. But wait, who are you entertaining? Yourself or them? Playing the entertainer is like working a job where you aren't getting paid anything. But you actually are! Like you said,
your feelings change and you don't feel so bad. You take action, and they become the means through which you feel better.
3.
Let's define what communication actually is. What counts as communication? Words, gestures, non-verbal cues, emotions.
Words and speech shouldn't really be the foundation of communication... emotions should come first. Emotions show up through non-verbal actions—like when you turn toward someone, look at them, and give them your attention. Giving someone your attention is the core of communication, and it's more important than words. When you focus your attention on someone else, you shift the focus away from yourself and stop obsessing over your own thoughts, emotions, or that uncomfortable silence.
It’s possible to be with people for two hours without saying a single word and still feel fulfilled and connected. What's the trick? It happens when you're actively engaged in the communication—really listening to what others say and watching them. You don't have time to overthink or manufacture ideas. True engagement comes spontaneously and naturally, not through analysis and forced effort.
I've noticed this myself when I'm feeling low:
I close myself off non-verbally. I stop making eye contact and my body language becomes guarded. Now, there are two options: I can fill that mental gap with attention and
active listening or I can start building a narrative:
"Nobody is listening to me."
"I can't get a word in edgewise."
"I'm weak," etc.
When we listen actively,
there isn't any room for those kinds of thoughts. !!
another specific example
My dad drives me home from the train station—it's about a ten-minute drive.
He stays silent, and I stay silent.
Then I make a decision inside my head: fine, if you've decided to be quiet, then so am I. I DON'T WANT TO BE the entertainer anymore.
And what usually happens? He starts talking. The topics are banal, sure, but it's obvious he can't handle the discomfort of the silence either.
So, I've changed one behavioral pattern.
It's not always easy, though. Sometimes it's hard, depending on how I'm doing generally or what phase I'm in.
Sure, but people don't "stay quiet" because they want you to feel bad. They are just in their own worlds with their own thoughts. In a way, you're holding the silent person responsible for how you feel. You're being passively angry at them. You've given that person the power to dictate your emotions, so you hold them accountable, and then you end up feeling bad because you know deep down you betrayed yourself by shifting the responsibility onto them. Subconsciously, you're admitting helplessness.
It’s funny how that "just say anything, just don't stay silent" pattern works. My mom has been using that tactic for years. I wonder if she’s the reason I ended up like this—it's highly likely, I guess.
That's a sharp observation. Looking at myself, I've picked up way too many patterns from my dad. Not so much from my mother. Maybe we just gravitate toward the parent we resemble more.
I'd argue we actually learn how to act from them. They basically serve as a blueprint for how to handle certain situations, and we just end up mimicking it.
Here are the patterns I inherited from my father: --> playing the victim
--> social tension / either be the center of attention or get emotionally crushed
--> a sense of inferiority
--> passivity
--> the "angry little diet" effect
peace