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jadeowl2 said:Audrey Hepburn 🤣.
But honestly, you nailed it. Offering comfort—just like offering love—isn't some transaction where you expect a payout later. And even if there is a "payback," it usually comes from somewhere else entirely, if it shows up at all.
Look, if you’re feeling low and trying to be there for someone else just leaves you feeling drained and bitter, then don't do it. It's not always easy to tell if you can give without subconsciously looking for something in return (I've definitely tricked myself into thinking I could, only to realize I couldn't...), but you get better at reading yourself over time. Can you actually give without wanting something back? That's the big question you have to ask yourself... once you answer that, everything else falls into place.
Personally, I wouldn't call myself much of a shoulder to cry on, but I'm a good listener. Though, when I see someone spinning their wheels in the same mud, making zero effort to actually change anything? That just wears me out. In those cases, I just pivot to a different topic...
Basically, you stop offering comfort when you feel they don't deserve it anymore. And honestly? That's fine. Even I hit that wall sometimes.
If people want unconditional listening, they can find a therapist in NYC. Those professionals charge for a reason; they don't do it for free. 🙂
I remember reading some expert advice once suggesting we should just tell people they have no right to demand we act like therapists. We're their friends, not clinical specialists. No one is obligated to play that role.
Walter Bennett said:Maybe try mapping this out mentally—like, creating some kind of "consolation merit" spreadsheet?
In the first column, you’d list the specific issue they're facing, then in the second, assign points based on how heavy or serious that problem actually is. In the third, you track exactly how much time they actually spent focusing on *your* problem. If you divide those points by the time they gave you, the final number represents their earned consolation credit—measured in minutes or hours, of course.
I like where you're going with that. Thanks. 🙂 I'm working on my mental spreadsheet right now. 😁😁😁
I talked on the phone with four different people today, and all four spent the entire time complaining about their medical issues.
One survived a stroke six months ago and is doing alright now—we already covered that when it happened. The second person has foot pain, specifically a toe issue, making walking difficult (total drama). The third has arm pain—and look, I get it, I know what real arm pain feels like, so I sympathize—but they’re also dealing with severe depression. The fourth has low iron and isn't feeling great, though her levels are actually within the normal range, so it's mostly just fatigue.
Every single one of them wanted comfort and empathy, which I guess is standard, especially in these weird times. Even the person struggling with depression and intense arm pain—who arguably has the hardest time—was the least vocal about complaining.
The reality is that none of these people have ever truly offered me any support during my own health struggles, even the serious ones. When they're feeling good, they couldn't care less about how I am.
Now the roles are reversed. I'm actually in a better place right now—I just got a new diagnosis this morning, though nobody bothered to ask how I was handling it—so it got me thinking: do these people even deserve my sympathy?
As a human being, I believe you should comfort the suffering and feed the hungry. But life has taught me plenty of times that sometimes that isn't the smartest move you can make. There are endless examples of that playing out in the real world.
Maybe what I'm saying is trivial, but I think it's a legitimate question.
What would you do? Offer comfort, or just give them an "uh-huh, okay, moving on"? Let's be honest: once they recover and feel better, they won't care about my problems then either. They didn't care before, and they won't care now.
Thoughts?
I’m on the same page. If it’s long-term and potentially carcinogenic, just get it handled. A friend of mine had her entire gallbladder removed because of stones, and she doesn't miss it at all. Honestly, she says she can eat even better now than she could before. :-)
Why gamble on it turning into something nasty when you can just cut it out and be done with it?