Posts by Brian Hayes43

David Vaughn75 said:I’m honestly starting to wonder if I’m way too late to let the crew know I’ve been dealing with schizophrenia😢

It hit me about 7 years ago

Think of it like managing a turbulent storm; you use medication to steady the ship and keep everything on course. Just let it all out, because holding it in is like trying to contain steam in a pressure cooker—it only causes more heartache. What is the absolute worst-case scenario here? Perhaps you'll filter out the people who aren't truly meant to be in your life. We are all carrying some kind of heavy burden, so you might as well carry yours with a smile on your face.

Is this your first time as a mom? 🙂

While I don't have children myself and I'm a man, I find myself completely empathizing with why you posted this. It feels to me as though you were gripped by a sudden wave of panic, worrying that you might be failing as a parent or simply feeling overwhelmed because things didn't go smoothly. On top of that, the situation felt awkward, perhaps because you felt judged by those superficial and passing glances from strangers, which can certainly be startling. Just take a deep breath and remember that next time you feel uncertain, simply reaching out and holding your little one is often the most soothing remedy available.

As for the actual, practical reason behind the crying, you'll likely get the best insight from the women in this community; they truly understand these nuances better than anyone. And all five of them 😉.

Best regards!

Brian Hayes43, you’ve perfectly articulated the exact hurdles that have been holding me back as well. Or rather, they *were* holding me back, because I’ve finally made up my mind to stop being such a mess. I know that paralyzing fear all too well—that tendency to label everything as a "defense mechanism" while overthinking every little thing, retreating into lines of code for five days straight, or dealing with intimacy issues for one reason or another.

But honestly? None of it matters in the grand scheme of things. Just shake it off and seize the day. You don't even need a prescription to find your way out of the woods. I’ve been stuck in a hole so deep it's hard to describe, but I have no doubt that in six months, I’ll feel like a brand-new person. You just have to be incredibly stubborn about it. You have to identify exactly what’s missing from your life and then pursue it relentlessly. That is the only true path to happiness; there isn't some magic pill for it.

Whether this stems from how your brain processes dopamine or if it's purely a product of how you were raised is ultimately irrelevant once the situation becomes unbearable. Personally, I've always leaned toward the idea that development is shaped by a 90:10 split between genetics and upbringing.

If you ever dive deeper into whether depression is tied to genetic predispositions regarding dopamine receptors, please let me know, as I find the subject fascinating. Though, perhaps it’s better to leave it alone; people tend to overcomplicate things with theories when they should just toss those doubts aside and take whatever steps are necessary to get better.

My friend,

You know deep down that you can’t just excise her from your soul, nor would you ever truly want to; it's an inescapable truth. When your time eventually comes to leave this world, she will likely be one of those final, lingering thoughts drifting through your mind. Rather than trying to build a dam against your emotions, try not to spin your wheels endlessly over things that are simply beyond your control. It is better to find peace within yourself and with her—to offer forgiveness and carry a small fragment of her spirit in your heart forever, as if it were a compass providing strength throughout your journey.

As for your current girlfriend, open up to her completely and share everything that weighs on your heart. Look her straight in the eyes while you do it.

I wouldn't presume to know exactly how you're feeling, as someone else navigating similar mental health challenges might offer more profound insight. However, I came across a particularly insightful piece if you're interested in taking a look. It’s a great way to get the conversation moving. http://www.lambdassociates.org/blog/bipolar.htm

wiredmason56 said:Hey, does this ever happen to you? Like, you wake up in the middle of the night after a weird dream, and you’re just terrified to go back to sleep, even though you're exhausted. But then, when you close your eyes, it isn't just darkness... it's like these distorted faces start appearing, you know? Just creepy, demonic eyes everywhere. So I end up snapping my eyes open, over and over again, until I'm eventually too tired to fight it anymore...

I experienced something very similar when I first started practicing meditation, particularly during that phase of my life when I was still grappling with a heavy sense of resentment and fear. It felt as though those internal anxieties were simply manifesting visually, much like how a storm cloud might reflect the turbulence of the atmosphere. Once I began the process of making peace with my past, those visions gradually faded away.

It feels like an entire lifetime has passed since the last update, even though it’s only been a month. I'm just checking in to say how much I despise how incredibly slow things seem to be moving lately. It is truly exhausting.

All anyone talks about is finding work, find work, find work...

Well... thanks for reminding me what my twin looks like! We're moving fast, but when you're twins, that isn't exactly cheating. 😁

Madison Square Garden!

nimblenomad8 said:For sure, but I can tell you one thing—I would never turn away a child like that. I got married super young, just 20. Honestly, I don't even know why! My parents were all for it, basically saying, "Hey, if college isn't working out, just get married." So, being a bit impulsive, I dropped everything and said, "Fine, let's do this, I want my own family." I moved halfway across the country and dove headfirst into being a housewife—cooking, cleaning, laundry, the whole nine yards. Then, after two years of marriage, I found out he was cheating. In some old-fashioned circles, people act like it’s just "how men are"—that they need to stray a bit before coming home—but mine really took to it and wouldn't stop. That went on for four more years until my little girl got sick and ended up in the ICU. I spent a month straight by her side in the hospital while my mom stepped in to help with my older kid so my husband could keep working. Once we finally got home and things settled, I did a little digging online to see what he'd been up to while I was preoccupied, and yep, he was still seeing the same person. Eventually, I just snapped. I knew exactly how everyone would react, so I didn't say a word to my family at first. I knew they'd make a huge scene and try to explain my divorce to the entire neighborhood like it was the end of the world. But I was exhausted, and I had to protect my mental health just to be a good mom. (Side note: he actually abused me for six years, too.) Anyway, the divorce was a nightmare, and his exit was just as messy, though I kept the kids. I stayed single, raised them through school, and life moved on. Two years later, I met an old friend—a single guy I'd known forever through his mom. We started dating casually, no big expectations or heavy promises. But after six months, he tells me he's just not ready to be with a woman who has kids and that he's not looking to marry overnight. I was like, "Okay, fine." But when you want something and someone says no, there's nothing you can do. Then, out of nowhere, he starts begging his godmother to convince me to give up my child. His mom lost it, her blood pressure spiked, and suddenly everyone is throwing stones at me. And so, here I am.

Oh man, this brings back memories of how my own mother desperately tried to find someone after her divorce just so we could escape our miserable situation. Most of the guys she picked were total oddballs; we're talking characters like Bald Ribić, some skid-row alcoholic, or even a married man... personally, I’m just relieved she didn't end up pregnant by any of them. Eventually, after quite a while, she found a decent, local guy who was actually normal, and now I have a sister. She's developed the exact same "mom syndrome" that I have, though yesterday, after a little spat, I was the one having to take HER to the dentist because she starts making such a scene whenever she goes with Mom..🙂

Once, during a heated moment when she was truly losing her cool with me, my mother let something slip that she probably felt she needed to get off her chest just to find some peace. She actually said, "I should have aborted you too.>>" I brought it up to her several times later on, trying to make a point, but I didn't realize until much later how deeply those words actually wounded her, and now I carry a bit of regret for that. The bottom line is that she chose not to go through with it, for me or for my younger sister.

As I’ve mentioned before, even as a man, I struggle to fully grasp the depth of a mother's biological bond—though I am profoundly grateful that she chose life for us. You will have children of your own when the timing is right, and looking back, perhaps your decision stemmed from the fact that you simply weren't ready for motherhood at that stage of your life. It is an incredibly heavy choice to make. I feel a little out of place in this conversation, but I figured I would share my perspective; if it helps anyone, then it was worth sharing.

Please feel free to let out everything that’s weighing on your mind. You are completely anonymous here, and you'll find that people are more than eager to lend a hand—especially the women, who tend to have a much deeper intuition for these kinds of things.

That’s my point. You can’t simply shake off those thoughts because they always seem to carry some sort of deep, abstract significance.

Eric Mitchell55 said:I think I’ve asked this before, but I’m not sure if anyone actually got back to me.
How do you all manage to tell what’s actually real from what isn't?
I struggle with it quite a bit. It’s hard to know how to act when those moments hit—that fuzzy feeling where I can't quite tell if something is really happening or if my mind is just playing tricks on me.
It’s such a weird thing to try and put into words, too.
I just get this heavy sense that I don't really belong in the place where I am right now.

That sounds like Joe Rogan territory—when you find yourself trying to convince your own mind that a paranoid delusion is actually the objective truth. In those moments, the difficulty lies in the discernment itself.

A bunch of wanderers, really. It seems like everyone is just preoccupied with how this cosine function eventually loops back to pi. 🙂
I might even wrap it up.

Harold Anderson3 said:It was simply what needed to happen. Even after those initial six months, I ended up stuck at home for another four because the medication was just too heavy for me to work. To be honest, I didn't really care whether I was recovering at home or in a hospital setting; if anything, being in the hospital felt better because the supervision was more consistent and everything was more organized.

When I finally made it to the hospital—after spending two days wandering around lost in these terrifying hallucinations—they told me they needed to give me an injection, and I honestly convinced myself the police had ordered them to kill me. I actually made my peace with it, thinking, "Well, I guess I'm dying for my country." After that, the paranoia subsided, but a few days later, the hallucinations were still so bad that I couldn't even tell the difference between black and white shapes while playing chess with a roommate. That’s when the depression hit—this massive, crushing low caused by some stupid mistake I made while in a state of psychosis. I ended up breaking a mirror and cutting myself with a shard of glass. At the time, I somehow rationalized that I had to do it because it was what was expected of me. My doctor told me I wasn't doing well because I had somehow embraced my own illness (which I mentioned before). She adjusted my treatment and ramped up the dosage, which meant I spent most of my time sleeping rather than being awake. There were also these compulsive behaviors, a sort of OCD, which added to everything, ultimately stretching my stay out to six months.
Things have been looking up since then, especially since I've been consistently taking my medication for almost four years now.🙂

I didn't experience those kinds of hazy, surreal fantasies, though I certainly recognize that feeling of drifting so far out that you eventually just surrender—much like slipping into a coma. It turns out I was hiding away from reality a little too effectively for my own good.🙂

Kenneth Rivera10 said:Brian Hayes43, have you ever considered picking up a writing career? It’s pretty obvious to most of us that you actually have a knack for it.

It feels as though Philip K. Dick already covered every possible corner of the imagination. 🙂

Matthew White4 said:Just ignore them. Honestly, as long as we’re letting other people's opinions get under our skin, we aren't truly free. It’s only when you realize that you're the only one accountable for your own life—that nobody out there actually holds the leash—that you finally become ready to fight back.
Whether it’s all in your head or actually happening, it shouldn't matter. You can't live your life by someone else's yardstick; you have to be your own damn standard. There shouldn't be any emotional or psychological police patrolling your business.
Don't stress over things that don't matter; once you wrap your head around that, you're winning...

If we were on X right now, I'd be hitting that retweet and favorite button immediately. 🙂

Thanks for the validation.

I have another question that’s been weighing on my mind. I previously went into detail about how my paranoia first took root and eventually spiraled into hallucinations—specifically that gnawing fear that you're being watched and listened to constantly. It starts as a doubt, an inability to confirm if the threat is real, but then it gradually morphs into pure terror. At the end of that post, I described a situation where I became convinced that the hosts at a local radio station had started reading my Twitter feed live on air, mocking me or making snide comments about my immaturity. Since all those jokes or bits of encouragement aired are indirect and things I could easily relate to—whether because of basic human nature or my own delusions—I find myself stuck in this loop of wondering if I'm just imagining the whole thing or if it's actually happening.

The issue has escalated because, right before I deactivated my Twitter account, I left links to this forum and several specific threads regarding depression, schizophrenia, and suicide. Now, I’m haunted by the suspicion that they are continuing to follow me here, reading my posts on this forum and commenting on them through the broadcast.

So, tell me, if this isn't just in my head, how would you handle being in my shoes? How do you navigate a total collapse of self-confidence and a constant battle against questioning reality, all while feeling like a group of people on a major radio station—people who are lucky enough to lead seemingly "normal" lives—are playing gods with your sanity?

I'm not looking for a recommendation to see a psychologist; I simply want to know how you all would react to this scenario if you were facing it and weren't sure if it was real.

Larry Campbell said:Hey, Vince!
Take a good, hard look at everything you just wrote... it takes a rare kind of courage and actual intelligence to say those things, and honestly, you're making sense. May this be nothing more than the starting point for you to finally go after what you want and build the life you've been dreaming of.

It also requires immense stamina. When you spend years in isolation, whether you realize it or not, you risk losing that essential edge and the practical life experience needed to function in the real world. A few people have reached out via DM offering to talk, but honestly, I don't think many people grasp just how precarious my situation actually is.

To summarize:

I don't have a single acquaintance, let alone a friend. The last people I was close with were back in my teenage years. Should I reach out to them? They probably have kids in elementary school by now. And should I try joining a local youth group at a church? It's not that I'm picky about who I associate with, but I simply can't bring myself to fit into a crowd that chooses blind faith over critical thinking, no matter how much they push it. I apologize if that offends anyone.

I don't have a high school diploma, which makes finding steady work nearly impossible. My plan is to enroll in an adult education program this fall, but I'm short on funds. My mom is currently taking out a loan just to help me cover dental work. Sometimes I feel like telling her to save that money instead, because I'm not sure I can pull all of this off. I can't see myself doing manual labor for the rest of my life. I tried working as an electrician, but listening to the guys on the construction site—who can barely communicate properly—was overwhelming. I wonder if I'm being hypocritical for feeling that way.

I have nothing to call my own. I have exactly one computer, which I bought with the money I earned during my last attempt to reintegrate into society before I gave up out of frustration. Everything else was provided for me. I'm wearing old clothes, I don't have my own apartment or a car, and even at thirty, I'm still sleeping in my childhood bedroom.

How does someone start from absolute zero at age thirty? To be perfectly honest, I have no idea how I'll manage, but I am taking steps forward. I'm moving quietly, heading toward an unknown destination. Ultimately, I hope that one day, my persistence might serve as a blueprint for someone else facing similar odds, though I can't guarantee success just yet.

Anyway, I have to head to the dentist now.

shadoweagle39 said:First off—thanks.
It takes guts to be this transparent about who you are. It isn’t even about being recognized; it’s because telling your own story is a necessary step toward facing yourself and the internal chaos we all deal with.

Second—you’re smart, articulate, emotionally intelligent, literate, and above all, a decent guy. I don't see what's stopping you from moving forward.

Third—actually, I do see it. Your self-confidence is shot. Take a look around and list the people whose opinions actually matter to you.
The voices on the radio, the internet, Twitter? Do you honestly think any of them are "better" than you? Are they important enough to ruin your life over their opinions? None of them have ever paid your bills or cared about your well-being. They aren't factors in your life.

Fourth—getting kicked to the curb is progress. If they walked away, just tell them thanks.

I hear you loud and clear. It’s tough to find your momentum when you're flying solo, but things are finally starting to move. I needed that dose of blunt reality rather than some sugar-coated version of the truth. Thanks for having my back.

I guess there's a little bit of everything here—emojis, applause, and even some debate over which kind of pain is more productive.
Best of luck to everyone out there.

Thank you so much; I am going to give this my absolute all and get started right away. You have my word.