Posts by Jose Ward4

Andrew Doyle said:Look, you don't exactly have much time during those kinds of appointments. Doctors are often forced to churn through an overwhelming number of patients, and that's a direct failure of the healthcare system itself. I'm not trying to make excuses for anyone, but I want you to understand that this isn't always about the individual doctor-patient relationship. There is a massive, systemic machine behind it all, and ultimately, it's the patients who end up suffering the consequences.
Jose Ward4, any chance you can change your profile picture?

Man, I don't even know what to tell you. I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this. Everything is just getting under my skin. I feel lost here. It feels like everything is wrong. I have this damn feeling that we were all meant to be healthy, but we’ve just drifted too far away from nature. I don't know. Part of me wants to just pack up and go somewhere beautiful—somewhere with nothing but sunshine and health where you can actually live naturally—but I'm terrified. I don't know what's waiting for me out there, and I'd be all alone. If I leave, I have nowhere to come back to. To make matters worse, my business is struggling right now, and I have no idea how long I can hold on. And if I do manage to pull myself together, only to end up right back in this same cycle... then I'll be sitting there in retirement facing cancer, thinking, "I gave it everything I had, now it's your turn." Does that even make sense? Every morning when I wake up, I have this urge to just sink into a river. Nature has always pulled at me. I truly don't know what to do. Maybe I'll leave, or maybe I'll just grit my teeth and stay.

@Harold Anderson3 man, I'm heading to the clinic. If I had actually gone to the hospital, I think I would have completely lost it. Yesterday was just bizarre. It felt like she was playing mind games with me. I don't know. She asks me stuff like, "Who's cooking for you?" As if she doesn't know I live alone. And then there were more questions like that. My head started pounding and I just began to lose myself. I started acting totally irrational. And at the end, she just kind of brushed me off. Like, I don't even know how to describe it. Just a total "I don't give a damn about you" vibe. That's the impression I got. Honestly, it was like, "You hurt my feelings, so now you can just screw off." I have no idea. I barely made it out of there. I honestly don't even remember how I got home. I swear. It’s like she washed my brain with those eyes and that voice—like she keeps changing her tone. I've got no clue. bogte, it's like she's the crazy one, not me. Thank God I didn't go to the IRS right after that. Jesus, imagine the look they'd give me. My God. You know how it is, you have this reputation among all those "normal" people and then... well, thank God I didn't go. Look, this might sound weird to you, but you know when you take your car to a mechanic? Like, you drop it off at a shop in Chicago or something for repairs. The mechanic runs a diagnosis, tells you what's wrong with the machine—maybe the screen is shot or the timing belt is gone—and then he tries to fix it or swap it out. That’s exactly how it felt to me. I felt like a car, just sitting there with all these emotions, except I'm not a car, and here she is diagnosing a malfunction in me. It’s such a terrible feeling. It's practically telling you that something is fundamentally broken inside you. And I think that goes for male psychiatrists too. It's the same method. Establishing a breakdown. Why is it that instead of a kidney or a heart, it's always your psyche or your soul? That's not something to play with. I don't even know what else to say. I actually feel a bit better today. Better, anyway. I forgot about it. The anger and the anxiety just vanished. Now that I'm thinking back on it... when I walked in and looked at her before she even looked at me, I had this feeling like she was reading my thoughts. Just another machine.

Harold Anderson3 said:Whether I'm staying busy on these message boards or out in the real world doesn't really matter to me, as long as I'm staying productive. My main goal is just to make sure I'm not totally falling apart, whether that's online or just navigating life in general, you know?

I hear you, I really do. Look, I'm sorry, man. I'm just not having a good day today. It’s always like this whenever I leave a session with my psychiatrist. Please don't be mad at me. I truly wish you nothing but the best. This woman just wrecks me. It’s honestly getting unbearable. And honestly? All these psychiatrists and psychologists... they just throw diagnoses at you that don't even exist just so they can play around with their expensive medications. It's all about the profit. They're all part of the same system. See? Now I'm apologizing and trying to relate. It's taking me a while to finally pull myself together. I think even my primary care doctor noticed, because I showed up at her office looking like a complete wreck. She's known me forever; I've been there a million times. She knows how I breathe. She actually rushed out after five minutes to head toward the hallway where the specialist's office is. I'm not even sure. I just don't feel right when I go to see her, and I always come back feeling broken. I'm only starting to feel human again now that I've watched "normal life" on CNN. That actually helped ground me a bit. It'll probably take me two or three days to fully recover and start functioning normally again. She just breaks me down and makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. You can't truly know a person in five minutes. Sure, they might judge how you act, how you feel, or what you think in those five minutes, but they have no idea what a person is actually going through. You need to spend real time with someone. It’s all wrong. It's all just a way to make money and build a corrupt society. It's all lies. It's just about them getting rich while we suffer. I've been thinking more and more lately that I was already hitting a breaking point back when I was in college. Back at the College of Science. I really think that if I hadn't enrolled there, I wouldn't even be doing this stuff today. Sorry again.

Harold Anderson3 said:I’m still feeling completely wiped out, even though I managed to sleep for fifteen hours straight. On top of that, I've been feeling pretty low.
Maybe my current medication isn't quite hitting the mark. I think I saw my old therapist last Wednesday, and she suggested that 30 mg of Zoloft might actually be too much for me. So, I dropped down to 15 mg for a few days, and honestly, I felt better almost immediately. During those few days, I was incredibly active on here, posting twenty times a day or even more. Of course, the more you post, the higher the chance you'll run into a ban, which is exactly what happened to me.
It seems like 15 mg might actually be too little, though. I probably need to settle somewhere around 20 mg. It’s such a delicate balancing act trying to find the right cocktail from all these different medications available. In fact, I really need to overhaul my entire treatment plan.
Yesterday, I ran into a guy I knew from my last hospital stay. He was just wandering aimlessly through the city, looking totally lost. He didn't even recognize me. Honestly, seeing him made me think he might be having an even harder time than I am.

Wait, hold on. You take your medication just so you can stay active on the forum? Besides, they don't ban you just because you post a lot; it depends on *what* you actually write. I saw someone like that after I got out of the hospital, too. He had no idea where he was. Almost got hit by a city bus.

Well, things went okay for me. But honestly, you just can't trust it. Dealing with people like that and seeing how they act... it genuinely gives me anxiety. That sheer arrogance is exhausting. You really have to try and just enjoy the moment and make the most of the rest of the day. It started out as such a beautiful morning, though. There are plenty of lovely women out and about. If I could just run into a cute girl to grab coffee with, that would be absolutely perfect.

@Carl Rivera43 haha. But seriously, there are some gorgeous women out there. Just incredibly sweet. I wouldn't mind getting close to all of them.

So, I was sitting with my sister at her therapist's office today. Really nice woman. Not scattered or flighty like most people you meet. She had an appointment set for Friday. Anyway, right then, this guy I’ve known since we were kids—and let me tell you, he is quite possibly the biggest jerk on the planet—starts acting all high and mighty right outside my window. He actually mocks me and starts laughing. Honestly, I wanted to give him a piece of my mind. @Carl Rivera43, man, if only you could have seen it. This guy thinks he's such a stud. He goes running every day. Watches his watch like every single second is life or death. He’s just overflowing with testosterone and looking for a fight. I wouldn't be surprised if he swung at someone just for looking at him the wrong way. I really would love to knock some sense into him if you were there to witness it.

@Nicole Barrett76 You saw her on CNN. Live. Just yesterday.
@Carl Rivera43 Honestly, you won't believe it. Total freedom of movement. Those scenes during the earthquake... my God. I have no idea what was going through her head at that moment.

I’m just sitting here looking out the window at these beautiful American women. Seriously, you all are stunning. I think it’s finally happening. You dress so well. Truly lovely. Hands down, the most beautiful women in the world.

Jesus, I am absolutely floored. Did anyone else catch the news report tonight? Some woman actually stabbed a police officer. Jesus Christ. God Help US.

Harold Anderson3 said:Life is really just a continuous process, moving through these inevitable cycles with their own beginnings and endings. That’s just basic biology for you. 🙂

Look, that wasn't even what I was getting at. You just don't get it. I wasn't talking about biology at all. Honestly, these heavy, deep conversations just stress me out. It feels like a bad joke. And I really don't need you lecturing me here. I've had enough "learning" for one lifetime. Especially from people who haven't actually lived through anything or don't have a clue where they're headed—and I'm not talking about you. I didn't come here to be schooled; I came here to talk to someone who actually gets it, someone facing the same struggles or dealing with the same issues. That's it. This whole thing is just depressing. Take care.

Life is just such a strange thing, isn't it? It’s constantly shifting under your feet. You don't see someone for years—just total radio silence—and then suddenly you cross paths again, and you realize how much everything has morphed. Not just them, but you too. It’s wild. It feels like this endless cycle that just keeps looping back on itself. One group of friends moves on, a new crowd drifts in, and it just keeps rolling. I honestly think that constant turnover is what makes us who we are; it forces us to evolve so we can actually connect with new people. It all came flooding back to me just now when I thought of this one guy.

Here’s my two cents. It’s been tough for me to really connect lately, but I truly hope that one day I'll find that spark again—the kind that makes the world look brighter and more beautiful. I actually felt a little glimpse of that this past Friday with a girl I met, though she isn't "the one," it still changed my perspective instantly. Suddenly, just walking down the street and breathing the air feels better. I think I'm just missing love, I guess. I don't know.

Harold Anderson3 said:Question: Do you think there will come a day when you’re finally, permanently in full remission?
Is that something you actually want? Is it something you find yourself hoping for?

Honestly, I just hope things turn out okay. That’s all I can really say—I just hope it’s good.

Nicole Barrett76 said:@Jose Ward4... the connection between libido and memory doesn't necessarily have to be linked to schizophrenia.

It really just comes down to how energy is distributed within the body.

If an excessive amount of energy is diverted toward sexual arousal, there will naturally be less available for the brain, which can lead to diminished efficiency in memory and other cognitive functions.

I have actually observed this phenomenon in my own experience; whenever I engaged in masturbation—especially if it was a prolonged session—I would notice a palpable decline in my memory retention for the following three or four days, despite having no history of schizophrenia.

It is quite possible that you were experiencing a hypomanic episode prior to your time in San Francisco. While individuals with schizophrenia may occasionally undergo manic or depressive episodes, these are often not the primary symptoms or aren't prominent enough to trigger a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, resulting in a schizophrenia diagnosis instead, or perhaps leaving bipolar disorder as a mere sub-diagnosis.

Man, this is actually pretty interesting. I've definitely noticed that same thing regarding self-pleasure. But what exactly is a "hypomanic episode"? Can you give me the short version? What does a manic person even act like? Is it a feeling of being manic, or is it just how you behave?

That's just my take on it. Honestly, you could probably argue that I was acting like a maniac back then, though it doesn't affect me much now. I still think it all ties back to libido. Your sexual drive, your sense of love, security... all of it. I need to sort that out within myself. I won't keep repeating myself, though; I've already posted about my plans for moving on, so maybe it's best to just bury the hatchet and focus on the future. Whatever happened, happened.

I just need to ask you all crazy people something. Has anyone else experienced a situation where an insanely high libido—specifically when you're having sex constantly but with genuine love—actually caused your memory to fail? Is that even a thing? Like, can an overactive drive actually make it impossible to think straight? That’s what happened to me before my diagnosis. I wanted to be intimate so much that I literally lost track of what day it was. I had to stop and really force myself to sit down and figure out the date just to stay grounded. This was all happening months before I ended up in the hospital. It got so bad that I actually checked myself in, hoping to find a specialist who could explain why my brain felt like it was short-circuiting. Back then, I didn't even realize what being in a psychiatric ward meant. I remember wandering around at 1 or 2 in the morning, just walking the streets, hoping I might run into someone. I wasn't trying to be rude or insensitive to women or anything; they usually pushed me away, but I just felt... wrong. Not like myself. Because just eight or nine months prior, I hadn't dealt with this constant, overwhelming urge. It reached a point where I didn't even know the calendar. I do remember that after I took my first pill while I was under observation in Brooklyn, my libido seemed to settle back down within a couple of days. It was like nothing had happened, except I found myself talking even more than usual. Has anyone else gone through something like this?

@Rebecca Rivera3 I totally get that. Honestly, I feel the same way—I just don't want to go anywhere, which is why I find everything so repulsive lately. But looking at my own experience with schizophrenia, there's this one massive issue: if I miss my meds, my libido just goes through the roof. It’s intense. I just have this overwhelming urge to be intimate. I hear what you're saying about feeling uncomfortable, like people are pushing sex on you or it feels intrusive, and I truly do understand that. But I'm starting to think that all these struggles we deal with—all these illnesses piling up in our lives—have everything to do with a person's ego and their drive. Because, let's be real, everyone wants to be intimate, whether they admit it or not. There's nothing quite like it. Anyway, try to get out for a walk, even if it's just for a specific reason. Just give it a shot. Try to force yourself to head to the grocery store at a time that actually works for you. For me, having a goal makes it so much easier than just wandering aimlessly around town without any direction. And I know how hard it is when family drama hits. When my dad was battling cancer, I barely left the house because I just wanted to be there for him. Please, try to realize that things aren't always as bleak as they seem, if you can manage it.

@Angela Stewart6 Honestly, I’ll try to look that up if I can actually figure out how to navigate this site. I have absolutely no clue what that even means or what I'm supposed to be looking for. Is it like 12-hour standard time or some kind of solar cycle? Who knows.

@Rebecca Rivera3 Wait, why is it that bad? Are you feeling lonely specifically, or just... empty in general? What do you mean by "emptiness"? I don't quite get it. Is it a lack of motivation or something else? For me, the hardest part is just the sheer dread of having to run errands—hitting up the grocery store, dental appointments, all that annoying life stuff. That’s what really gets to me. But I guess everyone deals with something. And that feeling where you feel like you don't belong anywhere? Total displacement. That was basically my whole existence before my diagnosis and my stay at the hospital. My memory was just gone. I couldn't even tell what time it was or what day it had become. Look, I know we can't offer much help over the internet, but I'm sending you a huge hug. I really hope you feel better soon. BTW, I haven't taken my meds yet today. Not that I'm trying to lecture anyone here! It's just that once I take them, my entire thought process shifts. That's just how it works for me. Massive fluctuations because of the medication. You can't really replace what the body is naturally supposed to do on its own. Dammit. So, don't be surprised if my tone or the way I write changes completely in a few hours.

Patience pays off.

@Angela Stewart6 Oh, I almost forgot to ask you—what’s your take on those 12:00 PM vibes?

Angela Stewart6 said:@Jose Ward4, they say we’re just eternal children.
I truly believe that depression sets in when we suddenly view our life events through a completely different lens—trying to wrap our heads around them—when, in reality, there's absolutely no reason to be so negative about it.

I guess so. I definitely feel like a big kid myself sometimes.🙂

If that's what you mean, I think I get where you're coming from. It's like when you meet someone or have a conversation, and then you spend hours later dissecting it—trying to figure out what actually went down, or what that person was truly thinking in that exact moment. If that's what you're talking about, then yeah, I get it. But lately, my experiences have been mostly positive. I haven't had enough bad ones to spiral into a depression over them. For instance, the other day I was at the local Post Office and I was in such a rush. I was pushing to get things done fast, and looking back, I wasn't exactly being a saint; I probably came off as some arrogant jerk. But then today, my neighbor—who has known me since I was a little kid—dropped by. She needed a signature for some chimney inspection paperwork, and everything was perfectly fine. She knows who I really am and how I react. That matters more to me these days: who accepts me for who I actually am. Also, I think my voice sounds a bit different because I've been working out too much. I started doing push-ups and a little Pilates, so I guess my testosterone levels are up.

Angela Stewart6 said:unknown; it’s honestly tough to say who has it harder, but I have to agree with Jose Ward4 when he mentions that depression is often just a passing phase. From what I recall, Dr. Harold Anderson suggested that antidepressants might be a necessary step forward. Ultimately, it’s the doctor’s call—that was certainly the case for me after going through those long stretches of low moods or whatever you want to call them.

@Jose Ward4, I think I'll skip giving you my direct take on that 12:00 PM timeframe—not because I don't have one!—but rather because I have a broader perspective on that time of day in general. And you make an excellent point regarding famous figures; there are so many quotes from Marilyn Monroe out there that really resonate—you can almost feel her mental state bleeding through the words. I highly recommend giving them a read.

@Nicole Barrett76, cut me some slack! Sometimes, a person just doesn't know the right way to react.

Honestly, women can see through just about everything. It’s like a superpower. Me? I can usually spot when a guy is being shady or feeding me lines just by the way he phrases things. You can hear the dishonesty in the subtext. Speaking of things being off, I finally stopped taking my Risperdal. Even though I only had to take it once every three months, I’ve been totally off it for about five months now. But lately, I’ve noticed my voice sounds different. It feels like my vocal cords have tightened up or something. When I was on the medication, my voice felt more relaxed, and breathing just felt... easier. Now that this change is happening, it’s actually getting on my nerves. It’s frustrating. Maybe I should try some throat lozenges or maybe some honey and propolis or something? My voice just lacks its usual strength, and my throat feels incredibly dry. Aside from that, I feel alright—well, as alright as one can feel given the circumstances. And about that noon deadline? Please. I’m basically just a giant kid who loves to mess around.

Dr. Harold Anderson3 Asks:
I figured it was about time I weighed in on this whole debate regarding whether depression in schizophrenia is actually something you can move past.
It’s like I’ve said before—it just comes in waves. These cycles of highs and lows, they just keep looping. Even after dealing with psychiatric diagnoses for ten years—eight of those being schizophrenia—I still can't fully wrap my head around it. When that depression hits me, it isn't just "feeling down" or having a bad day. It’s pure, unadulterated despair. It’s misery. It’s agony. There are moments where I honestly just want everything to end, where I feel like I can't go on. But then, after a few days, the clouds clear, everything feels fine again, and we're right back at square one.
I’ve definitely had my fair share of "productive" symptoms. I actually posted on here once about how convinced I was that I was the mastermind behind bringing George W. Bush down in 2009. It felt so real at the time. After that episode, I ended up being hospitalized for six months—one of the longest stays that ward has ever seen.
On top of all that, I’ve dealt with maybe two or three milder psychotic episodes because, let's be honest, I haven't ever actually stepped away from my antipsychotic medication. But looking back over these last eight years, the math breaks down like this: I was psychotic about 10% of the time, stuck in a depressive slump about 40% of the time, and felt relatively normal for maybe 50%. So, you tell me—which one is actually worse? Which one does more damage to your ability to actually live your life? Is it psychosis or just deep depression? Honestly, I’ve been sitting here staring at the wall for twenty minutes trying to untangle the two. It feels like such a fine, blurry line sometimes, doesn't it? One minute you're just drowning in that heavy, soul-crushing weight where even getting out of bed feels like climbing Everest, and the next, the world starts looking... wrong. Like the colors are off or the shadows are moving when they shouldn't. I remember back in college, during finals week, I hit a wall so hard I thought my brain had actually short-circuited. I couldn't tell if I was losing touch with reality or if I was just so exhausted that my mind was playing tricks on me. It's a terrifying gray area. You want to reach out, but how do you even frame the question? "Hey, am I just sad, or am I losing it?" It’s a heavy thing to carry. Just something on my mind today.??

I’ve never really had that kind of confidence myself. If I were being honest—and I mean truly, deeply honest—I’d say I spend most of my time believing I am someone, or something, that I’m actually not. You mentioned you were the one who essentially brought down George W. Bush. That’s heavy stuff. For me, it’s more about the daydreaming. I think my head is constantly in the clouds because I’m lacking real connection and the kind of attention a person needs. Lately, I've been throwing all my energy into work, but even then, I find myself hanging out here with friends from the forums. It hits me hard sometimes, especially when I woke up this morning. I can't help but wonder: is it even possible to actually turn those dreams into reality? I think I dream so much because there are so many things in my life that feel completely out of reach. It happens often, though. I’ll be sitting there in my apartment, totally alone, and I'll just start thinking... man, it would be so nice if she were just here. To have someone cook a meal, sit down together, watch some TV, and just exist. That’s what I’m missing. Just that sense of a normal, quiet life.

Forty percent depression? That’s a heavy number. Honestly, I don't even know how you're managing to stay afloat right now. It’s exactly what I was saying before—everyone processes this kind of thing differently. There isn't a one-size-fits-all manual for dealing with depression. Maybe you really ought to touch base with your therapist if you haven't already. It might be worth seeing if they want to adjust your treatment plan or perhaps dial back the dosage. You never truly know if you're overmedicated until you check. Then again, it could be the other way around. Dealing with both psychosis and depression at the same time is just... it's a lot. It's a massive weight to carry. But people fight through it. They really do. Hang in there. I'm rooting for you.