Posts by Andrew Lopez10

Hey everyone,

I’m definitely not an expert at drafting these kinds of posts, but here goes nothing. 😁
So, I’m a guy in my mid-twenties looking for someone to chat with, get to know, and maybe see where things go. I’ve got my circle of friends, sure, but honestly, I’m just exhausted by how superficial everything feels lately—there’s this constant sense of being misunderstood by the people around me and just the world in general.

As far as my day-to-day goes, I’m big on grabbing a coffee and either getting lost in a good conversation or just sitting solo with the morning paper. I love hitting up the cinema, traveling, cycling, running, and I actually enjoy my job. That said, I still love a good night out and can definitely hold my own on a dance floor. Alcohol has this funny way of turning me into an absolute sweetheart overnight 🙂 though I don’t go overboard too often.

Ideally, I’d love to meet someone who’s mature, level-headed, and has their life together, but without being "boring"—and let's be clear, I don't mean that literally. I just really don't have the energy for anyone who lives for unnecessary drama 24/7. Most importantly, I just want someone who is genuine and comfortable in their own skin. That’s pretty much the gist; I’m looking to offer the same in return. 🙂

Eric Gray2 said:Yeah, it is.

Oh yeah? And why's that?
thanks for such a deeply profound and intellectually stimulating answer, really. 🙄

she loves me unconditionally and without limits 😁
is that going too far? 😛

restlesstrucker15 said:Dear forum members, it has been quite some time since my last update. For the most part, I am doing alright; my Elice is performing its function, yet I find myself still struggling with persistent insomnia and a growing dependency on hypnotics. Has anyone here utilized Clonazepam for sleep issues, and if so, what dosage did you find effective? My doctor suggested introducing it because of my current reliance on Valium and Dormicum—since Cerson hasn't provided any relief—as a way to facilitate a break from standard hypnotics. She isn't a proponent of using antipsychotics to treat insomnia, and I've found that classic benzodiazepines, such as 20 mg of Valium, merely relax me without actually inducing sleep. I am hopeful that these tablets might offer some assistance, at least by allowing me to step away from the usual hypnotics for a while.😉

I was on Xanax for a short stint because I was spiraling with panic and couldn't get a wink of sleep... I don't usually touch any medication at all so I can't say how it affects everyone, but that Xanax was legit like some kind of MAGIC pill; I slept like a baby and woke up feeling completely recharged. 😁

Ugh, trying to map out my whole psychotherapeutic journey is honestly way too complicated for a single post 🤣 😁

So, I bounced from Gestalt therapy over to psychoanalysis for maybe two or three months before circling right back to Gestalt again.
Look, I get that a year might not seem like a massive amount of time to some people, but I feel like I’ve already hit the core of it—or at least, I finally see the big picture. Honestly, there’s no point in me rehashing every single specific instance because they all followed the exact same pattern: just me feeling embarrassed and alienated.

I can't tell you how many times I felt like life was actually better during that initial phase when I was still blissfully living a lie. The second I walked into therapy and finally admitted, "Everything is fake, I'm finally feeling myself," everything just went south. I became a total neurotic wreck, drowning in this sense of worthlessness that had been buried deep down until then, and now I can't even find my way back to that old sense of self-worth I used to have. It feels like I'm stuck in this loop forever 🙂

Anyway, I don't know. It sucks. 😁

PS Regarding the therapy itself, I seriously feel like we've hit a wall. There's nothing left to say, and we're just digging through the same dirt and obsessing over the same old topics over and over. We have a great rapport and we know each other inside and out, which is exactly why I'm sitting here wondering what else I'd even be doing there.

First off, I have absolutely no clue how to even title this thread... Basically, how are you supposed to deal with mental health struggles when there isn't some concrete reason behind them? It sounds incredibly stupid. I get that someone might be spiraling because they can't land a specific date, and I realize that could feel like their entire world is ending, but what do you actually do in a case that's that exaggerated?
I honestly don't know how to put this into words, and since I'm terrible at talking about abstract concepts, I guess it's best to just lay it out using my own life.
I have everything, yet I have nothing 🙂

To anyone looking in from the outside, it looks like I’ve made it, but internally, I feel like I’m standing there with empty hands. On paper, my life has been solid—good family, financial security, a decent education, a solid circle of friends. Sure, there were plenty of moments in my experience where things felt excruciatingly painful, leaving me feeling isolated, rejected, or just plain weird, but I never let that show. I played the part, pretended everything was fine, and refused to ever look weak.
The truth is, I feel like a completely different person today, but I don't even know who that is because it feels like my whole identity has just... evaporated. Everything feels diluted.
By nature—back in my childhood before life started conditioning me—I was an extrovert, open, happy, and just full of energy. Over time, because of all the crap I went through, I became more guarded just to protect myself, though I still managed to stay satisfied and happy within my own sense of grandeur. I’ve written about this before, how I lean toward narcissism (not in the cliché way people use the term), and I think that's accurate; I relate to a lot of the literature on it since I've spent so much time studying it.

I’m in psychotherapy now, and I’ve laid it all bare. I’m not hiding anything from myself anymore; I’ve dragged out all this pathetic, shameful side of my soul, the part where I feel like the most worthless human being on the planet. I’ve revisited my childhood, processed it, and I see it all clearly now. Honestly, therapy is starting to feel predictable; I know exactly what’s coming next and roughly what my therapist is going to tell me. I don't even believe anyone else can fix me anymore—I know it’s all on me and entirely within my own head.
But man, it gives me the chills when I look at who I am today. It creeps me out that my only real ambitions involve finishing my degree and landing a job just so I can secure some material stability and a shred of status. Nothing else comes from within me anymore, at least not with the intensity it used to. I'm young, and everything just feels so damn bleak; that old optimism and zest for life have completely vanished, but I won't sit here and wallow, otherwise I'll be doing this until tomorrow... How do you help yourself? How do you move forward when you don't have one single concrete problem or any tangible obstacle stopping you from getting what you want and enjoying life? Yeah, I know, "it's all in your head." But what is the actual next step after over a year of intense therapy and non-stop soul-searching, confronting the very things I used to run from?
Maybe patience... maybe. But I’m terrified because I have this nagging feeling that nothing has actually been resolved, even after opening up all those wounds.

What I’ve finally realized is that I really, truly hate myself. Like, deep down in my bones. I’m a walking contradiction of extremes. I used to feel good only when I could convince myself I was great while keeping all the dark thoughts buried deep in my subconscious. Then they all bubbled up, and I basically lost my mind (a million symptoms later), and while I'm better now, I still know it's all right there—that I'm still unstable, fragile, and miserable. I just want that old kid back, the one who was full of happiness, optimism, and a genuine will to live.
I don't have creativity or ideas left—the kind that actually come from me, rather than just being fantasies about professional success. 😁

Anyway, yeah, I don't know... are there others out there dealing with these vague, non-specific problems and fears? Anyone else who had everything, yet felt like they had nothing? 😢

My therapist told me I shouldn't feel guilty because even though my parents seemingly gave me everything, they totally missed the mark. She put it like this: it's like giving a kid a million of the newest toys, but they're still starving. Yeah, they didn't truly *see* me, they didn't know how to connect with me, but is it really such a catastrophic mistake that I have to be dealing with this mess today?🙂

gentleraven90 said:I used to absolutely love just walking down the street and soaking in all the greenery, those gorgeous sunsets, and whatever else was beautiful. Honestly, these days? I’m just genuinely happy when I can cross the street without spiraling into a total panic, and I’m actually pretty proud of how far I’ve come. Even something as simple as making it to the local bakery felt like such a win 🙂and it just goes on like that forever
It makes me wonder, though—in what other ways are we just constantly being let down? I guess if there were a competition for who struggles more than everyone else, we’d definitely take home the gold. We live in a culture where mental health is basically a taboo subject unless you’re talking to a tiny circle of close friends, and even then, they don't really get it. Maybe we aren't cut out for certain jobs, our energy levels completely tank, or we start noticing hair thinning... eventually, you become a bit of a burden to your own friends. They think you just need to "decide" to be okay and suddenly everything is fixed. Because I care about them, I end up pulling away and saying less and less. And so it goes, indefinitely. During my worst bouts of anxiety, I didn't even have the strength to cook, eat, or just *exist*, which led to this awful cycle of self-loathing because I felt like I wasn't being a "real woman" or a decent mother and all that nonsense🙂
But hey, I guess it could be worse...

😢 You think this is permanent? 😕
How long does this phase usually last?
For me, back two years ago, I was in a coma-like state for six months, then everything went back to normal for a year, and now I've been struggling for about three or four months. It feels like these waves just hit me periodically and then everything settles back down, so that's why I'm asking...

First off, this is a killer topic to dive into 😁
I find myself constantly chewing on the idea of whether there’s actually an upside (?) to the mental struggles I deal with—especially when they hit me hard. And honestly, that word "handicapped" in the title rubs me the wrong way too, just like someone else mentioned, though I get why some people might genuinely feel that way.
If my own mental "handicap" shows up as this whole spectrum of neurotic symptoms—those little flares that pop up here and there and trip my internal alarm bells—then I truly believe those symptoms are worth digging into. They mean something. We can actually flip them into an advantage if we’re willing to lean into it and really want to. (I know, sounds super optimistic, but if I didn't believe there was a fight worth winning, I’d be feeling legitimately handicapped, no quotes needed, just like the title says.)

So, what are the perks?
The real advantage is giving yourself permission to actually get to know who you are through psychotherapy and by finally becoming conscious of all those messy problems and negative loops in your head. The perk is the hope that one day I’ll actually live life to the fullest once I can shake off all that self-inflicted garbage—you know, the guilt, the self-loathing, and the shame. It’s a double-edged sword, really: I have this ability to feel the heavy weight of existence, which allows me to build incredibly intense connections with people where I give everything and receive just as much back.
Another plus is the fact that I keep fighting, even when it’s brutal and I stumble, because I hold onto this hope that it’ll all somehow "pay off." And honestly, a massive upside could be the creative stuff that pours out of these struggles—that deep, raw processing of emotions and life itself. I truly believe that, and it’s how I cope, even though most days I’d much rather just be some shallow, mindless person living a totally banal, easy life.

As for feeling "handicapped," it’s mostly about how hard it is for me to open up to anyone. I operate in extremes—it’s all or nothing with me. I bottle everything up and become a pro at dodging people or uncomfortable situations. I’m basically living a double life: there's the healthy version of me, and then there's the neurotic side that I try to keep buried deep under the surface, though of course, it always bubbles up eventually 🙂. Plus, I’m terrified of everything, and even when things are going great, my brain manages to cook up the absolute worst-case scenarios for the future. My family dynamics aren't exactly stellar, and socially, I feel like I'm failing, especially since I'm naturally an extrovert—even though in reality, I act like a total introvert because I'm so guarded, vulnerable, and anxious. But if you want the bottom line on my biggest handicap, it’s the total lack of EASE in my daily life and this constant, nagging state of worry.
Oh, and yeah, a very real, tangible handicap is my smoking habit and just generally living an unhealthy lifestyle 😢

But hey, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for both myself and all of you that we can navigate these hurdles and keep fighting. I just really hope my romanticized vision of all this doesn't end up being a total bust 😁 Since I'm still pretty young, I'm genuinely curious to see how this all plays out in the end 🍿