Posts by Jeffrey Stewart4

Well, I’m back again... There was nothing from the drug test. I realize how harsh my demands were, but honestly, I just couldn't ignore my gut feeling.🤷
So, here is the situation: when I first suggested he take a test, he flew into a rage. He acted as if I didn't trust him, claiming he couldn't deal with me and that everyone—including me—looks at him like he's some kind of addict. And truth be told, he isn't wrong. I feel like I’ve betrayed his trust, but... there is a "but" coming...
It turns out he went out one weekend to some party and was actually looking to pick up some speed or cocaine.
A very close friend of his let me know; it wasn't out of malice, but rather an attempt to help pull him away from that kind of environment.
I have to admit, hearing that absolutely crushed me. It broke me completely. Yet, despite the heartache, I told him I would stand by him no matter what.
He eventually admitted that it was true, and after a long, heavy conversation, he asked me to be his support system. He opened up about how, in the beginning, he was thinking about drugs 24/7, and while it's less frequent now, not a single day goes by without those thoughts crossing his mind. He said he just needs someone in his corner.
I can't shake the feeling that he might not be quite as invested in "us" as he is in needing someone to help him navigate life, and right now, I am the one standing there.🤷
Everything seemed fine until last weekend when he went to visit a friend in San Francisco. He checked in during the first couple of days, but then, nothing. Total radio silence.
I called him, I sent messages... and there was absolutely no sign of him until yesterday. Then, I get this text: "Please understand, it's just easier this way. I'll call you when I'm ready."
And that's it! How am I supposed to "understand"? How or why is it easier for him, and what does he mean by being "ready"???
I mean, I have a thousand questions racing through my mind, and he won't even give me the courtesy of a response!!
Now I'm stuck in this limbo: should I leave him alone until he decides to reach out, or should I try calling him again?
I am genuinely, deeply worried about him.

Christian Sanchez4 said:All jokes aside, I see your point. I completely agree with you—the percentage of people who actually pull themselves out of a deep hole is incredibly small. That said, I think there are slightly more than 5% of us out there.😁

I’ll jump in here for a moment, speaking as someone who has spent plenty of time stuck in the mud and has been granted countless opportunities by those closest to me—both with and without prejudice.🙂

I can't summarize my lifelong struggle against prejudice in just a few sentences, so I won't attempt it here. But let's just say I have a profound dislike😁 for all forms of bias, from the mildest to the most malicious.

You wrote that very well. If we were discussing any other topic besides addiction, I would be right there with you.
however xD
Addiction operates under its own set of rules. You mention crime or various setbacks, but you can't group narcotic dependency in the same category as theft, fraud, or lying—even though it certainly shares some of those traits.😁 I'm not sure if you've ever had a loved one struggling with addiction. Trying to "negotiate" with someone in that state, or trying to appeal to their logic, intellect, or the love and connection you share... please don't take this personally, but I don't think😁 it's logical. It's only natural that you're trying to apply the same pattern of trust and second chances that you've used in other life struggles to the issue of addiction. Hell, we're all wired that way.
They were at Walmart😁
but that approach just doesn't work.
An addict cannot pull themselves out alone. Sure, they need support. But it isn't the kind of support that leaves them even an inch of breathing room to act as a participant in their own recovery. Support for an addict must be strong, strict, uncompromising, and merciless. It has to be deaf and blind to all their suggestions, their inputs, their delusions, their desperate attempts to withdraw, and their lies—to every miserable human impulse that will inevitably surface. Because it will. You simply cannot trust an addict.
Even later, once the chemicals are physically out of their system and they begin to navigate the standard agony of processing the real world and their place in it, the person helping them needs at least two faces. One face provides the rehabilitated person with therapy and support, instilling the willpower and strength needed to start healing their own wounds and awakening the intellect required to eventually return to reality. The second face must be ruthless and firm, uncompromisingly monitoring every vacant stare, every conversational slip, and every shift in body language. This second face must be ready to grab that pathetic individual and drag them back to solid ground, regardless of any brilliantly crafted or pathetic little lies, pleas, promises, or "bla bla," the moment they sense that person starting to drift toward the bottom. And it will happen. Over and over again.
This "recovery" process takes forever... sometimes I wonder how the people who truly love me and stayed by my side (and there aren't many🙂) finally reached the stage where they could actually trust me again. I try to replay the movie in my head to figure out when that turning point was. I think it took years and years of me maintaining a "normal" life—just the daily grind of a standard, boring existence—before they stopped counting how many pills I had left unswallowed, checking the trash for empty bottles, or rifling through my makeup bag, things like that... And very often, when I mention taking something as basic as a 1.5 mg Xanax, I can see that long, piercing look in their eyes. I know they aren't doing it on purpose; it’s just an instinctual reaction, a way to keep tabs on me.

To wrap things up: of course, support means everything. I don't know what would have happened to me if I hadn't received it (though, honestly, I think I would have pulled through somehow because I know exactly how my brain was wired back then, but I'm not trying to brag😬). In the end, it was pure spite that saved me. My own, most basic, primal, and perhaps even childish spite. But without support, the struggle would have been much bloodier and more miserable, with outcomes no one can predict.
But you can try and try until you burn out and vanish into your own effort if you are trying to help someone who is unreachable. It is simply impossible. At first glance, it seems like you should be able to break through to anyone if you try hard enough. That is the trap😁 because you absolutely cannot. And it feels devastating when, after X number of years, you realize you've just slammed yourself against a wall that you have zero chance of moving.

If I were in Jeffrey Stewart4's shoes, knowing everything I know now—I would leave. I would mourn, cry, wipe my tears, pick up whatever pieces of my heart were left, and move on. Walking away is far less painful than staying. But it isn't about it being less painful; it's about what is fair for her. It's the right thing to do.

I am fully aware, deep down, that walking away would be the better choice—honestly, it would have been best if I had never even started this journey—but...
I just can't bring myself to leave; I simply can't.
How am I supposed to just abandon him? I want him to know that I’ll be there, standing by his side, ready to help if he falls back into that hole again. But at the same time, I need him to tell me the truth, because I feel like I've earned that much. Back when he was using, he wasn't one of those guys out committing crimes or stealing from neighbors, mostly because he comes from such a well-to-do family. The only people he's truly hurt are his parents and his sister. He has betrayed their trust a thousand times over, and they are living in fear, just like I am.

Yesterday, I finally laid all my cards on the table and voiced every single doubt and fear I’ve been harboring about him. He claimed he understood where I was coming from, but the moment I suggested we get tested, he absolutely lost it😢...he acted as if I were personally insulting his character by questioning his integrity. So, here I am, feeling utterly defeated and small. It feels ugly—maybe even pathetic—to have even brought up the idea of testing, but I need clarity for my own peace of mind, and he's digging his heels in and refusing. Am I really such a desperate, broken person? How can I find any footing when I can't even trust my own instincts
I honestly don't know how we move forward from here.🤷

Samuel Davis16 said:My husband’s best friend is an addict.
They grew up together, so they're still inseparable.
He’s been with his girlfriend for three years now.
She knew he was shooting up for years, but she wouldn't be with him if he hadn't stopped—or at least, that's her excuse.🙄
She knows exactly what someone on a bender looks like (and he is—sometimes it's just pills, sometimes it's coke, but lately, it's all IV), yet she chooses to look the other way.
They make it work. But only because she’s so high herself that it’s honestly unbelievable.
(He isn't your typical street junkie who steals from people; he doesn't have the legal baggage he used to.)
What I can't wrap my head around is this: how one addict can't give a normal woman everything she needs, and how a normal woman can endure it even when she knows.
Even while she's high.
Look, if you could actually provide everything—emotionally speaking—maybe he wouldn't be using. She'd see that instantly, no matter how blind she might be.☕
It would be great if that were the case, but nobody can guarantee he won't slide right back into the pills.
Anyone using is a hard-core hedonist. They love the high too much to stay clean.
They are rare—I mean reaaaaally rare—people who get clean. Even when they manage to detox physically, they never truly get clean mentally.
Anyway, hope that gives you something to think about.

I honestly believe that even those who successfully get clean still have drugs constantly playing on their minds. My partner and I are always out and about, just taking things slow... I asked him earlier if he felt ready to go outside, and he told me he wasn't quite ready yet (when I pressed him on what he meant, he said he wasn't ready for "the environment")... I don't even know, I'm just completely overwhelmed right now.
But seriously, what kind of "environment" is he talking about?? wtf??
He used to be heavily into coke, and people told me that users often have tiny pupils. So now I find myself constantly observing him, but his pupils seem to fluctuate between being tiny or huge.😕
I went to the CVS today and bought a test kit, thinking maybe I could ask him to take it. Is that being rude or intrusive? Honestly, I feel like it’s the only way I’ll ever find any peace of mind.
It’s hard to believe I'm sharing my life with complete strangers while I can't even open up to my best friend... But talking here feels a little easier.

brightridge59 said:The reality is, when you're with an addict—even one who is in recovery—you spend most of your time navigating the "lows" rather than enjoying the "highs."

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you can be the one to change him or that he won't eventually relapse. Because, unfortunately, they often do.
If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

That’s exactly what keeps me up at night—the fear that he'll relapse. But honestly, what am I supposed to do? I feel like I'm completely paralyzed by everything happening right now😢. I'm 28 years old—and look, I'm not some naive kid; I have a college degree and a career behind me.
It’s heartbreaking because I see this reality all too often at my job; I've seen plenty of users, and I even saw one colleague pass away, which was just devastating... And now, here I am, having fallen for someone just like them. It’s a heavy situation, and I think I might care a little too much.

James Allen6 said:It seems like you don't have any trust in him, and without that, nothing works.

Can't you just sit down and have an honest conversation with him to ask whatever is on your mind? I guess it feels like his sister is closer to you than he is.

No one can truly guarantee that he will stay on the right path forever. I suppose that is just a risk you have to accept if you decide to stay with him.

It isn’t so much a lack of trust as it is genuine fear... those nagging doubts always seem to linger in the background.
We actually did talk openly about it, because I've always been the type of person who would rather ask a direct question than dwell on uncertainty. He insists he's clean, but... honestly, how many guys like N. have ever actually admitted to using? It's incredibly rare. People tell me I should look him in the eye to see if he's lying, but what does that even prove? When it comes to this stuff, I suppose I'm just... naive.

We haven't been together long enough for this connection to feel like some unshakable, lifelong foundation, yet somehow... I find myself unable to just walk away. My friends, naturally, are losing their minds and are deeply concerned about my judgment.
I can’t seem to access any sense of logic right now because I am completely swept up in this infatuation.

placidranger said:Just on leave, or what?

Yeah...
I realize how messy it is since he's an ex, but what happens if he stays true to his word? Apparently, he's been clean for nearly three years.🤷

I need some serious advice here.
I’ve found myself in quite a predicament. I was in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend—we even lived together—and everything was perfectly aligned for us to take that next big step in our lives. But then, what happened? I went and fell head over heels for someone else, much like a teenager caught up in a sudden, overwhelming crush.
To make a long story short, my previous relationship imploded, and now I am completely consumed by this new guy. There have been whispers floating around town that he struggles with addiction, but honestly, I was so blinded by infatuation that those rumors didn't even register as a red flag at the time.😲😲
Everyone in my circle warned me to stay far away from him, but I decided to follow my heart instead. Now that we are actually together, I find myself oscillating between pure bliss and intense insecurity. There are days when he won't reach out to me at all, leaving me hanging, yet when we finally meet up in the evening, everything seems perfectly fine. It's an exhausting cycle; I spend most of my day pacing anxiously or losing my appetite, but the moment I see him, I feel like I'm walking on air. I don't think I've ever experienced a feeling quite this intense in my entire life—or if I did, it was so long ago that I've completely forgotten what it feels like.
It’s gotten to the point where even his own sister has pulled me aside to express her doubts about whether he’s truly staying clean.😢
I am genuinely at a loss. What should I do?
He has completely turned my world upside down.

Melissa Ruiz said:because I certainly wouldn't want someone snatching me off the street while everyone else just stands there watching without lifting a single finger. 😁

:

Oh, give me a break! Why on earth are you so preoccupied with this, especially when you're just passing through Washington, D.C.? It’s absolute nonsense. Honestly, what kind of mindset does your hometown even have?

Heaven forbid we let Vlatka get her hands on any credit cards..

Raymond Ward3 said:silverpuma10, honey, there’s no such thing as an abortion pill in the way you’re thinking—and Plan B isn't even an abortion pill; it’s just a high dose of contraceptive hormones designed to trigger bleeding within about 24 hours. Have you considered talking to your parents or maybe a counselor? You’ll likely find plenty of people telling you it’s no big deal if this is what you’ve decided, but truthfully, it really is. Abortion carries both physical and psychological weight, and the procedure itself involves removing the uterine lining along with the pregnancy under local or general anesthesia. I personally know a young woman who went through an abortion, and she’s still struggling deeply with the aftermath today.

I find myself in total agreement with everything said here. An abortion is a heavy, significant thing, but it’s even heavier to face the reality of having a child when you’re still essentially a kid yourself—don't take that personally, but if you aren't emotionally mature at 18, you simply aren't ready to be a parent. A child shouldn't have to raise a child.

First things first, you really ought to schedule an appointment with your OB-GYN so they can point you toward the right specialists and next steps. To be honest, I’ve never actually heard of standalone abortion pills being sold just anywhere. I am aware that there are those Plan B options, though the name itself makes it pretty clear exactly when and why you’d use them, and you can expect to shell out about $500 at a clinic.

Michael Anderson10 said:aha, if you were asking whether it was just two beers or TWO beers, I suppose we'd have a real debate on our hands,

Fair enough. Anyway, Jackie, I'll catch up with you later. Take care.

Michael Anderson10 said:And why exactly would he be allowed to do that when others aren't? I suppose one has to wonder why he’s considered so much more special than everyone else.

Honestly, what kind of double standard is he actually operating under here? It’s enough to make you lose your mind. Look, I’m all for accountability—sure, he had too much to drink and there needs to be a penalty for that—but $667?? Come on! He wasn't even incapacitated. It feels fundamentally unjust to hand him the exact same sentence they gave that billionaire's son who killed that girl over the summer last year.

Michael Anderson10 said:I suppose you all take it quite lightly, though I wonder if anyone truly considers what happens when someone isn't just caught, but actually ends up behind bars. One might ask whether they’d be any more inclined to avoid drinking and driving after that.

Look, I am certainly not advocating for letting drunk drivers off the hook, but there is a massive difference between a criminal offender and a guy who simply had two beers before getting behind the wheel.

I’ll take a look at my buddy's computer later today; there's a chance he might still have those files tucked away since he was caught up in that same situation a few years back. I'll get back to you once I know more. Cheers.