Falling for an ex with an addiction problem

I need some serious advice here.
I’ve found myself in quite a predicament. I was in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend—we even lived together—and everything was perfectly aligned for us to take that next big step in our lives. But then, what happened? I went and fell head over heels for someone else, much like a teenager caught up in a sudden, overwhelming crush.
To make a long story short, my previous relationship imploded, and now I am completely consumed by this new guy. There have been whispers floating around town that he struggles with addiction, but honestly, I was so blinded by infatuation that those rumors didn't even register as a red flag at the time.😲😲
Everyone in my circle warned me to stay far away from him, but I decided to follow my heart instead. Now that we are actually together, I find myself oscillating between pure bliss and intense insecurity. There are days when he won't reach out to me at all, leaving me hanging, yet when we finally meet up in the evening, everything seems perfectly fine. It's an exhausting cycle; I spend most of my day pacing anxiously or losing my appetite, but the moment I see him, I feel like I'm walking on air. I don't think I've ever experienced a feeling quite this intense in my entire life—or if I did, it was so long ago that I've completely forgotten what it feels like.
It’s gotten to the point where even his own sister has pulled me aside to express her doubts about whether he’s truly staying clean.😢
I am genuinely at a loss. What should I do?
He has completely turned my world upside down.

I mean, honestly... everything stays perfectly fine until you start obsessing over every little detail
It’ll be much easier to pull him away from all that nonsense if you just relax...

You really ought to distance yourself from him as quickly as you can.

Please take this as some very friendly advice coming from me. 😉

I have to ask, just how far has this "relationship" actually progressed? (especially since you clearly already met his sister).

Look, don't overthink this. I've had enough experience dealing with addicts to know where this goes. It starts with a friend, then it's a boyfriend, and before you know it, you're drowning too. My advice—and I'm sure others here would agree—is simple...
cut ties.
fast.

Just on leave, or what?

We haven't been together long enough for this connection to feel like some unshakable, lifelong foundation, yet somehow... I find myself unable to just walk away. My friends, naturally, are losing their minds and are deeply concerned about my judgment.
I can’t seem to access any sense of logic right now because I am completely swept up in this infatuation.

placidranger said:Just on leave, or what?

Yeah...
I realize how messy it is since he's an ex, but what happens if he stays true to his word? Apparently, he's been clean for nearly three years.🤷

It seems like you don't have any trust in him, and without that, nothing works.

Can't you just sit down and have an honest conversation with him to ask whatever is on your mind? I guess it feels like his sister is closer to you than he is.

No one can truly guarantee that he will stay on the right path forever. I suppose that is just a risk you have to accept if you decide to stay with him.

James Allen6 said:It seems like you don't have any trust in him, and without that, nothing works.

Can't you just sit down and have an honest conversation with him to ask whatever is on your mind? I guess it feels like his sister is closer to you than he is.

No one can truly guarantee that he will stay on the right path forever. I suppose that is just a risk you have to accept if you decide to stay with him.

It isn’t so much a lack of trust as it is genuine fear... those nagging doubts always seem to linger in the background.
We actually did talk openly about it, because I've always been the type of person who would rather ask a direct question than dwell on uncertainty. He insists he's clean, but... honestly, how many guys like N. have ever actually admitted to using? It's incredibly rare. People tell me I should look him in the eye to see if he's lying, but what does that even prove? When it comes to this stuff, I suppose I'm just... naive.

If you truly love him, you’ll stick by his side through thick and thin. Just make sure you don't let yourself fall into drug use. If you see that he’s actually doing it, you have to walk away from him. If he loves you, he’ll stop.

William Nelson7 said:If you truly love him, you’ll stick by his side through thick and thin. Just make sure you don't let yourself fall into drug use. If you see that he’s actually doing it, you have to walk away from him. If he loves you, he’ll stop.

The reality is, when you're with an addict—even one who is in recovery—you spend most of your time navigating the "lows" rather than enjoying the "highs."

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you can be the one to change him or that he won't eventually relapse. Because, unfortunately, they often do.
If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

brightridge59 said:The reality is, when you're with an addict—even one who is in recovery—you spend most of your time navigating the "lows" rather than enjoying the "highs."

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you can be the one to change him or that he won't eventually relapse. Because, unfortunately, they often do.
If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

That’s exactly what keeps me up at night—the fear that he'll relapse. But honestly, what am I supposed to do? I feel like I'm completely paralyzed by everything happening right now😢. I'm 28 years old—and look, I'm not some naive kid; I have a college degree and a career behind me.
It’s heartbreaking because I see this reality all too often at my job; I've seen plenty of users, and I even saw one colleague pass away, which was just devastating... And now, here I am, having fallen for someone just like them. It’s a heavy situation, and I think I might care a little too much.

Jeffrey Stewart4 said:It isn’t so much a lack of trust as it is genuine fear... those nagging doubts always seem to linger in the background.
We actually did talk openly about it, because I've always been the type of person who would rather ask a direct question than dwell on uncertainty. He insists he's clean, but... honestly, how many guys like N. have ever actually admitted to using? It's incredibly rare. People tell me I should look him in the eye to see if he's lying, but what does that even prove? When it comes to this stuff, I suppose I'm just... naive.

In my opinion, you cannot be happy in a relationship where there is no trust.
You simply have to believe in the person you are with.
If you find yourself constantly questioning things like this, it probably means you don't trust him.

I guess you can usually tell by someone's behavior if they are using drugs, right?

When you're talking about heroin, you have to realize just how clueless some people are. The mood swings, the physical appearance, the way they talk, even their eyes—when someone is high, it’s obvious enough to see from a plane flying over.

My husband’s best friend is an addict.
They grew up together, so they're still inseparable.
He’s been with his girlfriend for three years now.
She knew he was shooting up for years, but she wouldn't be with him if he hadn't stopped—or at least, that's her excuse.🙄
She knows exactly what someone on a bender looks like (and he is—sometimes it's just pills, sometimes it's coke, but lately, it's all IV), yet she chooses to look the other way.
They make it work. But only because she’s so high herself that it’s honestly unbelievable.
(He isn't your typical street junkie who steals from people; he doesn't have the legal baggage he used to.)
What I can't wrap my head around is this: how one addict can't give a normal woman everything she needs, and how a normal woman can endure it even when she knows.
Even while she's high.
Look, if you could actually provide everything—emotionally speaking—maybe he wouldn't be using. She'd see that instantly, no matter how blind she might be.☕
It would be great if that were the case, but nobody can guarantee he won't slide right back into the pills.
Anyone using is a hard-core hedonist. They love the high too much to stay clean.
They are rare—I mean reaaaaally rare—people who get clean. Even when they manage to detox physically, they never truly get clean mentally.
Anyway, hope that gives you something to think about.

One more thing,
When I fall for someone, I don't care who they are—heart doesn't pick favorites.
But deep down, you always know it won't last if you're the only one putting in the work.
If he actually shows up and gives you enough of himself, then it works.
For as long as it lasts. And nobody can tell you, "Oh, he'll definitely start acting up again." Maybe he will. But if you go in with that mindset, you just cut the cord early.
What can I say? Good luck.

Samuel Davis16 said:My husband’s best friend is an addict.
They grew up together, so they're still inseparable.
He’s been with his girlfriend for three years now.
She knew he was shooting up for years, but she wouldn't be with him if he hadn't stopped—or at least, that's her excuse.🙄
She knows exactly what someone on a bender looks like (and he is—sometimes it's just pills, sometimes it's coke, but lately, it's all IV), yet she chooses to look the other way.
They make it work. But only because she’s so high herself that it’s honestly unbelievable.
(He isn't your typical street junkie who steals from people; he doesn't have the legal baggage he used to.)
What I can't wrap my head around is this: how one addict can't give a normal woman everything she needs, and how a normal woman can endure it even when she knows.
Even while she's high.
Look, if you could actually provide everything—emotionally speaking—maybe he wouldn't be using. She'd see that instantly, no matter how blind she might be.☕
It would be great if that were the case, but nobody can guarantee he won't slide right back into the pills.
Anyone using is a hard-core hedonist. They love the high too much to stay clean.
They are rare—I mean reaaaaally rare—people who get clean. Even when they manage to detox physically, they never truly get clean mentally.
Anyway, hope that gives you something to think about.

Spot on. For the rest of their lives, they'll carry that feeling in their heads—that one specific high that nothing else in this world can even come close to touching.

Dennis Doyle3 said:Spot on. For the rest of their lives, they'll carry that feeling in their heads—that one specific high that nothing else in this world can even come close to touching.

I’m an optimist, though. I actually know someone fighting this by just swapping one addiction for another.
And honestly? That’s the only way it works.
Look, I'd rather someone be a fanatic about, say, their faith or a local church than be hooked on meth.
It’s not the same rush, sure.
The point is, you have to realize it’s a level of pleasure that defies comparison.
But if a person actually WANTS something—if they have a PURPOSE or a PERSON—they might pull it off.
Only if they want it for themselves, though.
Unfortunately, there are no guarantees.

There are no guarantees. I just wanted to point out that this is a lifelong battle. That’s exactly why there are so many relapses—most people simply don't have the grit to keep going.

Jeffrey Stewart4 said:That’s exactly what keeps me up at night—the fear that he'll relapse. But honestly, what am I supposed to do? I feel like I'm completely paralyzed by everything happening right now😢. I'm 28 years old—and look, I'm not some naive kid; I have a college degree and a career behind me.
It’s heartbreaking because I see this reality all too often at my job; I've seen plenty of users, and I even saw one colleague pass away, which was just devastating... And now, here I am, having fallen for someone just like them. It’s a heavy situation, and I think I might care a little too much.

Asking "what if" is a dead end. What if I get hit by a car walking out my front door? (Please, don't lecture me on probabilities, I'm just trying to help this girl out)
Having a degree doesn't make you smart if you're choosing to stay with someone like this. Intelligence doesn't matter here.
Love is the same whether you're dealing with a schizophrenic or anyone else; everyone's brain functions the same way when they're hooked, regardless of their education, status, or age.
Look, stay with him if that's what your heart demands, but the second he hurts you, get out.
BUT THAT GOES FOR ANYONE, NOT JUST ADDICTS.

Dennis Doyle3 said:There are no guarantees. I just wanted to point out that this is a lifelong battle. That’s exactly why there are so many relapses—most people simply don't have the grit to keep going.

Yeah, everyone knows a dopamine hit turns a person into a hedonist.
It feels too good to quit, and even when the spark fades, you want to stop but you can't because you're hooked.
If you quit, you aren't just stopping an action; you're still fighting the urge.
The battle isn't against the addiction itself, it's against the desire.
We're wired to seek out pleasure.
Anyway, OP, you know better than anyone—if he's truly an ex, you'll realize it pretty damn fast...
Fingers crossed it stays that way.