Posts by placidwolf2

granitefalcon26 said:There are hereditary mental illnesses, like schizophrenia. People with schizophrenia really should think long and hard about whether they want to have children.

If you had been paying closer attention, you might have noticed me mentioning "severe psychosis" earlier—I was referring specifically to schizophrenia and the risks involved in parenthood. 😉

Look, everyone, I think we might be getting a little too carried away with the idea that psychotherapists are miracle workers. Don't get me wrong—it’s incredibly helpful to advise someone struggling with mental health issues to seek professional help. Encouraging them, using kind words, or even helping them vet a high-quality doctor or find the right therapist if we can, is vital. But that isn't a magic wand that solves every single life problem. If someone were battling something like cancer, we wouldn't just tell them, "Go see a doctor," and assume they'll be back to their old, fully functional selves in a few months. If they even make it that far.

So, let's try to offer support in other ways too. Everyone has the right to become a parent. Whether someone is mentally healthy or dealing with psychological struggles, they both face the same heavy doubts when deciding whether to have children. Both groups worry about being good parents in equal measure. For people without these struggles, the questions usually lean toward finances, career timing, or trusting their partner. But for those dealing with mental health issues, the primary fear is often whether their own emotional instability will negatively impact or "pass on" to their child.

I don't have all the answers to these questions. The decision for an aspiring mother is deeply personal, and it's ultimately her call to make. Given the state of the world today, that choice is also a brave one. Maternal instinct tends to uplift any woman—with perhaps the exception of those facing severe psychosis—and children can serve as a powerful catalyst for anyone to grow into a more mature, responsible version of themselves.

No government legislation in the US prohibits people with mental health conditions from parenting, so please don't try to enforce it here with comments like, "Get treated first, then have kids." I've noticed this happening not just in this thread, but in others as well. Every mother deserves selfless support from her partner, her family, her friends, and society at large. No mother should be left to struggle alone—not the one working through her own stability while raising a child, and not the "healthy" one who is constantly chasing a corporate ladder. There are no guarantees about which child will turn out "damaged" or otherwise.

It’s true what ultraoptimism suggested: we bring whatever we carry inside ourselves into our relationships. But we should also allow ourselves the grace to let our children bring beauty into our lives, just as our loved ones and those who believe in us do. At the end of the day, a family is a collective unit, not a single cog in a machine that gets disqualified from parenthood just because it squeaks a little. With the right support from friends and a more positive outlook from society, all our children can grow up to be little engines of love, building a better future for the world.

Jason Martin4, based on your opening post, it's clear you're an incredibly rational, responsible, and kind person. I have zero doubt you'll be an amazing mother. 🙂

Don't let it get to you, honey.

I can only imagine how overwhelmed, scared, and uncertain everything feels right now. But this will pass, you'll see. If you’ve lost your sense of hope, just let me hold onto it for you—I’ll believe you can get through this crisis if you can't.

Regarding the BPD diagnosis you mentioned: pregnancy is actually a massive motivator for people dealing with that. It often provides a powerful reason to finally take those personal struggles seriously and handle them with more responsibility. So, don't think for a second that wanting a child is selfish.

Despite all the chaos, from what you've described, your husband clearly wants this as much as you do. That’s a pretty reliable sign of how much he loves you. He isn't ashamed of you, either. With his support and affection by your side, there are good days ahead in parenthood. Let this baby be the reason you find the strength to overcome your internal battles.

Between the therapy you've started, having a husband who stands by you, and the arrival of your child, you have a real shot at building a stable, decent life. You might even learn how to cook along the way. 😉 Choose to live well, and don't you ever give up on that. 🙂

fadedbear92 said:It really depends on how ill or unstable they are... a therapist has to find their own way to reach the client. It doesn't always happen during that first session—though I know people who bail immediately—but ideally, they should research how a specific type of practice works beforehand...
Quincy Jones:

For many therapists—if not most—intentionally provocative stances or creating "incidents" serve as a way to more quickly develop methods for handling specific clients.

Sure, that happens, but that doesn't mean that kind of approach is actually going to work for the client...

Quincy Jones:

I know a colleague—a total authority and top-tier expert here in the States for certain disorders—who would tell female clients (even those who weren't exactly his type 🙂) things like, "Well, you're a total bombshell, what else could you possibly need in life?" Many women felt this was basically workplace harassment and left immediately, even though I know for a fact he never actually crossed any lines.

To me, that’s already crossing a major line, unless you've known them through therapy for a very long time, of course...

Quincy Jones:

I usually hear from people deciding on therapy: "I just clicked with my therapist right away." Or they didn't. But what does it even mean to "click"? You can "click" with the first new age guru you meet, some snake oil salesman, or someone who took a three-month course in some quasi-therapeutic school. But will they actually help us?

Okay, so what’s your alternative? That everyone just follows a cookie-cutter manual?

Quincy Jones:

So, has psychotherapy served as nothing more than an excuse for many to claim their condition is unchangeable, just so they can maintain the status quo and their relative comfort, without truly wanting to change? Or am I wrong?

It all comes down to how much the therapist makes you aware of your own toxic patterns, and whether you're actually willing to admit they're wrong and fix them. And yeah, that takes a lot of time... there's no such thing as an instant fix, at least not in my book...

Unfortunately, most people here are stuck relying on insurance referrals, which usually leaves them feeling pretty let down. There are only a handful of folks willing to actually look into things and eventually pay out of pocket if it's in their own best interest.

fadedbear92 said:It really depends on how ill or unstable they are... a therapist has to find their own way to reach the client. It doesn't always happen during that first session—though I know people who bail immediately—but ideally, they should research how a specific type of practice works beforehand...
Quincy Jones:

For many therapists—if not most—intentionally provocative stances or creating "incidents" serve as a way to more quickly develop methods for handling specific clients.

Sure, that happens, but that doesn't mean that kind of approach is actually going to work for the client...

Quincy Jones:

I know a colleague—a total authority and top-tier expert here in the States for certain disorders—who would tell female clients (even those who weren't exactly his type 🙂) things like, "Well, you're a total bombshell, what else could you possibly need in life?" Many women felt this was basically workplace harassment and left immediately, even though I know for a fact he never actually crossed any lines.

To me, that’s already crossing a major line, unless you've known them through therapy for a very long time, of course...

Quincy Jones:

I usually hear from people deciding on therapy: "I just clicked with my therapist right away." Or they didn't. But what does it even mean to "click"? You can "click" with the first new age guru you meet, some snake oil salesman, or someone who took a three-month course in some quasi-therapeutic school. But will they actually help us?

Okay, so what’s your alternative? That everyone just follows a cookie-cutter manual?

Quincy Jones:

So, has psychotherapy served as nothing more than an excuse for many to claim their condition is unchangeable, just so they can maintain the status quo and their relative comfort, without truly wanting to change? Or am I wrong?

It all comes down to how much the therapist makes you aware of your own toxic patterns, and whether you're actually willing to admit they're wrong and fix them. And yeah, that takes a lot of time... there's no such thing as an instant fix, at least not in my book...

Of course not. 🙂 Especially since that kind of system doesn't even exist in Rhode Island. I only brought it up as a hypothetical example—something that might be our near future. I could have just as easily mentioned Gestalt, which is what someone aligned with the Nationalist Party might gravitate toward, even if CBT would serve them much better. But that sense of unease and the desire to "outsmart" the process keeps them stuck with the first therapist they find. 🤷

Kyle Lee7 said:I completely agree. This aligns perfectly with my own philosophy of what therapy and a therapist should ideally provide, and it’s also backed up by my own personal history—having gone through two separate therapeutic journeys myself.

I think I fall into that category of people who don't mind discovering bits and pieces about their therapist over time. In the beginning, knowing anything about them wasn't a priority for me—it wasn't even on my radar. What mattered most was simply finding someone I felt a connection with right out of the gate. To be honest, even now, I have no idea what their political views, religious beliefs, or other personal stances are, and frankly, I don't care. What really matters is how they show up for the work. They’ve proven to me that they aren't judging me based on my own values or trying to mold me to fit theirs; instead, they focus entirely on me as an individual and prioritize my actual well-being.

That being said, if any of them had started throwing around racist, homophobic, xenophobic, or misogynistic remarks—I’d have just turned on my heel and walked out right then and there. Even though those views wouldn't personally affect me, I simply have no interest in working with anyone who isn't open-minded.

So here's my question: How is a mentally unstable client actually supposed to realistically assess a psychotherapist's values or level of openness?

For many therapists, if not most, intentionally provocative stances and creating friction can serve as a way to more quickly develop specific methods for handling certain clients. I know a colleague—a total authority and top-tier specialist in the US for specific disorders—who would say things like to his patients (even the less attractive 🙂 ones): "You're a total bombshell, what's wrong with your life?" Many experienced this as borderline workplace harassment and left immediately, even though I know for a fact he never crossed professional boundaries. Once many clients realized his method of working and his undeniable success rate—especially after being disappointed by other therapists—they tried to come back to him, but he simply couldn't take them anymore. Not because he didn't want to, but because he was just too busy.

I often hear from people deciding on therapy: "I clicked with my therapist right away." Or, "I didn't." But what does "clicking" even mean? You can "click" with the first new age guru you meet, a snake oil salesman, or some three-month graduate of a quasi-therapeutic course. But will they actually help us?

Recently, I briefly described how Schema therapy works regarding a certain personality disorder. Everyone was appalled and gave long-winded responses about how they'd never dream of trying "something like that." And yet, while Schema therapy shows success rates as high as 52% for that specific disorder, everyone would rather stick to psychoanalysis, spiritual healing, etc.—methods that have a success rate of zero percent for this condition—just because it's more comfortable. A terrifyingly large number of patients, when starting therapy, get the impression that their "ideal self" is far too distant from their "actual self," making everything feel futile, leading them to look for an excuse to quit (pre)emptively.

So, is psychotherapy merely serving as an excuse for many to claim their condition is unchangeable, just so they can preserve the status quo and a sense of relative comfort instead of truly wanting to change? Or am I mistaken?

redharbor9 said:Obviously they have every right to know. The real question is how much the therapist chooses to reveal or answer. It can be risky for the therapist because being too open might lead a client to expect a level of closeness that isn't professional, which causes massive issues with certain types of patients...

EDIT: I had one female client ask about my sexual orientation. I told her. Then she went and asked my colleague—who actually referred her to me—why I hadn't just mentioned I was gay. My colleague asked her why that even mattered, and the client just looked confused and said it didn't matter... Then there was this guy who wasn't sure if he should wish me a Merry Christmas, so he went stalking my Facebook to check my religion. Clearly, that didn't help him much because he ended up coming in to ask what my religion was and if he was supposed to wish me a Merry Christmas anyway.😍

Look, sometimes clients need these "irrelevant" details just to build rapport, which honestly makes the therapy more successful...

Some therapists let clients call them 24/7, while others freak out if they get a single text. I actually know a therapist who lived with a client for a week—that’s basically the absolute peak of losing all boundaries. On the flip side, I know therapists who won't say a damn thing about themselves beyond their credentials...

Lately, giving a client your direct number so they can reach out whenever they need to has become a defining feature of certain modern psychotherapeutic approaches.

For instance, Schema therapy introduced the concept of Limited Reparenting (see the link, page 31), which outlines an entire strategy for building a more successful, secure, and trusting therapeutic bond—and that includes mandatory phone contact. Schema therapy has proven particularly effective when working with BPD, NPD, PTSD, and ED patients, as well as treating other disorders with high suicide rates. Today, there’s hardly any recent scientific literature on these conditions that doesn't discuss or recommend Schema.

Personal experiences with providing a phone number have been overwhelmingly positive; I haven't heard a single therapist complain about clients abusing the privilege. Initially, calls tend to be frequent—maybe two or three times a week—but as therapy progresses, they taper off until they drop to once a month or not at all, which is actually a reliable sign of clinical progress and success. 🙂

slyraven9 said:Oh man, reading this... it hits way too close to home. Honestly, it sounds so much like me. When I'm totally wrapped up in a guy, I'm only looking at dudes. But the second I'm caught up with a girl, it's strictly women. I don't even know how to put it into words, it's so hard to define those vibes. One day it's one way, the next day it's totally different, the third day it's somewhere in the middle, and the fourth day I'm a whole different person again. It’s just... asymmetrical. Everything is just a total mess, honestly...

Fortunately, things aren't a complete disaster every single day for me, so I can catch my breath. If it were constant, I’d probably lose my mind. 😳It mostly follows some kind of predictable rhythm every few months. I’ve noticed I’m most drawn to women during the spring and especially in the summer. 🙄During the winter, I’m happy just being with my boyfriend; girls aren't even on my radar then. Honestly, I’m a bit of a mess. I was lying awake last night thinking that maybe I’m just envious of how good they look in all those breezy summer dresses—yum. 😍Envious yet obsessively attracted... I don't know if there's a clinical term for that specific phenomenon. It actually crossed my mind to just take my boyfriend's last name and see what happens next. ☕

@redharbor9 - thanks. if my brain starts acting up again, I'll be back. 😍

Drew Morgan Asks:
I think it’s actually possible—you just fully embrace being gay. Once you truly accept that part of yourself and fall for a guy, women just sort of... stop existing to you. It’s like they fade into the background entirely.

Man, you actually got me laughing with that one. Seriously, I was tearing up. 🤣 I'm just not so sure I could pull off those kinds of sudden pivots myself. 🤷

Brian Murphy3 Asks:
I feel like I’ve said this a hundred times already, but I’ll say it again: sexuality isn't some black-and-white issue. It’s made up of a million different shades and nuances.

Look, Dušo, I’m not exactly looking at things in black and white, if that’s what you think. That’s actually the whole reason I’m asking these questions—I'm trying to figure out what kind of colors I actually have inside me. I can't seem to uncover them on my own, or maybe I’m just colorblind. 😵

Brian Murphy3 said:I've said it a hundred times before and I'll say it again: sexuality isn't black and white.
It's made up of a million different shades.
A huge number of people experience attraction to the same sex without being able to put a label on it themselves. Some act on it, others just keep it as a fantasy. All I can tell you is to figure out what you actually want. If you want to feel a woman's touch, then go for it. If you think it's just a passing whim, then wait. Don't just rush in or drive yourself crazy overthinking it. People end up feeling miserable (like the OP here) when they realize they aren't strictly straight—not because they're "afraid" of themselves, but because we live in a society that still treats being gay as something unnatural or shameful. This is your life and your desires. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that YOU are happy, not the judgmental crowd surrounding us. Good luck! 😉

Look, I’m trying to give you some constructive advice here. I’ve been chewing on this for a long time, but honestly, how am I supposed to just sit around and wait? This has been my reality for years now, and I've already cycled through seven or eight of these "crushes" that went nowhere. 😕 That’s the core of my struggle—this constant impatience and the way I miss out on opportunities because I’m always overthinking everything. I can't help but wonder if being this cautious actually counts as bravery, or if I'm just stuck. But what really keeps me up at night is whether all this mental gymnastics will eventually cause me to lose feelings for my boyfriend. We have this deep connection, and I’d hate to let my own neuroses get in the way of that. Maybe you have a point about how toxic society can be. It’s possible that my subconscious is holding me back, not because I’m actually afraid of changing my life, but because I’m terrified of the judgment from everyone around me. I worry about how my choices might affect him, or how my friends will react. Honestly, I’m spiraling a bit. I need to take a step back and process all of this. Thanks for the input. 😘

redharbor9 said:Yeah, it happens. I've seen it plenty of times. Usually with women in their 30s or 40s. They just suddenly realize they're attracted to women, even if they already have a husband and kids. It almost always ends the same way—divorce and leaving the guy (and the kids) behind..

Don't ask me about the "why" or whatever. I don't dig into the past like that; I just deal with what's happening right now. But yeah, it's possible and it definitely happens..

Well, thanks for the consolation. At least I don't have kids to drag away from a boyfriend or a future husband just so I can take them off to live with my new wife.😂

I haven't really kept up with the legal side of things here in the US: are same-sex couples allowed to adopt children?

And judging by your tone, you must be from my neck of the woods.😲 I went through psychotherapy about five or six years ago for a different issue, but I wouldn't mind going back. Since you specialize in sexuality, consider me a client on your couch tomorrow.🙂

We can always move this to private messages if my questions are getting too intrusive.😉

silentbison23 said:You're probably bisexual. If you were purely gay, you wouldn't be into guys at all.
They tend to be very straightforward about it; they actually can't stand men. Just like how gay men are—they can't even imagine being with a woman. Not out of some personal hatred or anything, it's just that they can't picture it. I heard that from a guy who is strictly gay.

Thanks for the input. 😘 I get where you're coming from, and I've actually considered that possibility. Maybe I didn't make this clear enough, but when I fall for a woman, men basically cease to exist in my mind—I just don't perceive them anymore. 😕 It feels like an all-or-nothing situation for me; there isn't much middle ground. The real issue is what happens if I actually commit to a woman after having physical experiences with one. That pull is obsessive, yet at the same time, it absolutely terrifies me.

I know the general consensus is that sexual orientation mostly solidifies during adolescence, and back then, my feelings definitely leaned toward guys. That’s why I’m so conflicted. If anyone here knows the clinical take on this: is it actually possible to suddenly realize you're homosexual right as you're hitting thirty? When you're young, you just drift along without overthinking things like I am now. I'm scared to dive into something REAL that could completely overhaul my life, because part of me keeps telling me this is all just some temporary phase.🙄

I feel like I’m constantly battling this identity crisis. For the longest time, I’ve always been exclusively into guys, but then there are these phases where I find myself falling for a woman. It usually happens out of nowhere—just a passing thing—but then suddenly she’s all I can think about for days, and I’m just counting down the minutes until I see her again. Meanwhile, everything with my boyfriend seems totally fine, except maybe when we're being intimate; I catch myself imagining his touch is actually hers, though he has absolutely no clue what's going on in my head. Then, just as quickly as it started, the feeling fades. I can't really explain it. I just know I don't have the guts to approach any of these women I find attractive, even though a part of me really wants to. I'm terrified that if I actually tried, I might find out I actually enjoy physical contact with them, and that scares the hell out of me. I’ve always told myself I was only attracted to men, and I’d really prefer to keep it that way. Things are great with my boyfriend, and I tend to view these feelings as just some passing phase that might eventually disappear on its own, so why risk everything? What do you guys think? Is it worth taking the leap to figure out who I really am, or should I just keep playing it safe and stay the course as I have been?