Posts by granitesurfer36

velvetranger16 said:It isn't that you are constantly falling into these traps; rather, you are choosing to accept them. Let's be honest: most of us encounter the opportunity to have an affair with someone who is already committed, but we don't enter into those situations because we reject them. For some reason, you aren't valuing yourself enough. A therapist would likely be able to pinpoint exactly why your self-esteem is so low. Are you afraid of being alone? It seems as though you operate under the principle of "anything is better than being by myself."

You are essentially mistreating your own soul (and your body). I suggest seeking answers from a professional, but in the meantime, while you wait for an appointment, remember every single day that you are the priority in your own life. Do not settle for being someone's second choice or being exploited just to chase a few hours of fleeting, false happiness.

I'm fully aware of all this. I know I'm terrified of ending up alone and that I fall into that "better anyone than no one" mindset. I KNOW IT'S WRONG, but...

Chris Peterson53 said:It is entirely possible that you aren't recognizing your own worth—meaning, on a subconscious level, you are seeking out what already belonged to someone else. Essentially, you are living a borrowed life by stepping into someone else's shoes.
Typically, a lack of self-esteem and those feelings of inadequacy are rooted in your upbringing—specifically within your family dynamic and how you were treated growing up.
In households with multiple siblings, if parents—whether they realize it or not—consistently favor one child over the others, they can instill that sense of inferiority; it creates an inability to build a life from the ground up,
leaving that child perpetually stuck playing a supporting role in someone else's story.
Similarly, overly critical or domineering parents can plant those same seeds of doubt through constant criticism or a total lack of validation and support—even if they only have one child.
If you have identified a pattern that isn't working for you, you can take steps to fix it yourself—by truly reflecting on your own value and realizing you don't need to play these roles. You don't need to settle for "hand-me-downs," if you'll excuse the metaphor.
But, if you find you can't break the cycle on your own, then yes, you really do need to see a therapist...

I've actually been weighing the idea of seeing a therapist. You're right about the parents part. I know something wasn't right and it left its mark on me, but I still can't quite pin down exactly what it was...

Timothy Cruz6 said:Hmm. I wonder how old you are?

When I was around 19 or 20, that’s exactly what I looked for. There were plenty of reasons, but the core issue was simple: since I was their first serious partner, they had absolutely no right to demand anything more than what I was willing to offer at the time—which was just hanging out, and who knows about tomorrow. Every attempt at control or making demands gave me the perfect trump card: "Who are you to ask anything of me? Am I asking anything of you?"

I don't think I was an emotional masochist, so that doesn't necessarily mean you are. In fact, it wasn't until I was 20 that I entered my first relationship where I was the only woman. It didn't end well. It started suffocating me almost immediately, and the whole time, I was just running away from something—likely myself.

I'm over 30, so this doesn't apply to me. I don't seek out those types of relationships, or maybe I do subconsciously, but I always end up in them and can't help but wonder why I do this to myself or why I don't have the strength to say NO! Honestly, I just crave a normal, ordinary relationship where my entire schedule isn't dictated by when we talk or see each other......

Carl Cox3 said:I am no psychiatrist, but it seems to me you are either starved for attention or simply find comfort in your own suffering because you feel you deserve it. Is it not easier to stay in that cycle? Just walk away from those people 🙂

Even if you aren't a pro, you hit the nail on the head. I've spent my whole life craving affection and validation, and half the time I convince myself I don't get it because I'm just a bad person who deserves the loneliness... 🤷

Carl Cox3 said:You are an emotional masochist.

So how am I supposed to avoid being an emotional masochist... or is it just my fate?

The admins might tell me this thread is in the wrong section, but I honestly feel like I need some professional perspective here. This is the third time in my life I’ve found myself as the "other woman"—call it whatever you want—and every single one of these relationships has been devastating for me. It looks like this third one is following the same destructive pattern, yet I still can't seem to just say no.

What is actually wrong with me?

That’ll be for the best 🙂...it's not the headache that's bothering me so much, it's this glare making it impossible to see anything...

Over the last week, I've been getting these visual disturbances—flashing lights in my field of vision that blur everything—followed by a sudden, dull ache on the right side of my head. It usually lasts for a few hours. Does anyone know if this could just be related to low blood pressure, or should I go ahead and make an appointment with my doctor?

Thanks to everyone for the advice and for being so understanding, but Angela Newman33 is completely out of the loop. It’s been 16 days now and I'm feeling so much better 🙂...the shame and guilt have faded, along with that constant loop of wondering why, how, or if we could have seen it coming and stopped it. I’ve finally accepted that it was his decision, and there was nothing we could have done to change it. The human mind is a strange thing; I've always relied on psychoanalysis to understand my own actions and attitudes to find a way toward healing. This time was no different... thanks again, everyone.

wiredfalcon21 said:I wouldn't go so far as to call you a psychiatric case in general, but given how you're reacting to everything right now, I can see why it feels that way—and I don't see why you're denying it. People seek out psychological or psychiatric support all the time, especially after being robbed or facing the kind of situation you're in. It isn't unusual at all for someone to look for mental health assistance after the sudden loss of a loved one.

I don't have an issue with seeing a psychiatrist or a psychologist. There's no shame in it. I've actually been before, but I just don't feel like they can really help me. Maybe I'm wrong...🤷

Jonathan Hayes5 said:My sincerest condolences.
I truly feel for you, and honestly, it’s easy for me to empathize because I went through something very similar a long time ago. The hell I endured is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I don't usually speak about this in public, so if you ever need to talk, we can always chat via private message. All I can say here is that an act like that is deeply personal; no one else carries the responsibility for it except the person who actually does it. Don't let this define your life.
Hang in there!

Thanks for the kind words. I really don't want this label to follow me forever, and I know that's entirely up to me.

wiredfalcon21 said:I strongly suggest that you head to the emergency room immediately. They can provide you with a referral so you can get to a crisis center or a psychiatric facility right away, regardless of the hour. If you happen to be in the Los Angeles area, there are specific crisis centers available, but if not, please just go to the nearest psychiatric hospital in your vicinity.

You're talking like I'm some kind of psychiatric patient...

Five days ago, my father took his own life. Pain, despair, bitterness, guilt, anger—even shame... those are just a few of the things I’ve been carrying around. During the day, I can hold it together, but at night, the memory of what he did haunts me. I find myself constantly replaying it in my head. I’m actually scared to go to sleep because even when I finally drift off, I wake up thinking about it all over again. How can I help myself get through this?